When they were both out of the room, I could let myself succumb to the fright that threatened to overwhelm me.
Suddenly, intense pains began in earnest. I was so frightened I could barely think. When the pains occurred, I pounded the make shift bed as tears coursed down my cheeks. I wiped tears from my face with the back of my hand, leaving a residue of tiny bits of straw.
I suppose I was feeling sorry for myself, but I felt like a child as I sobbed. I wanted my mother. I had never, even in the three months I was visiting Elizabeth, missed Mother as much as I did at this moment. She should have been here to hold my hand, to lead me through the birthing process.
I was in the midst of strangers. They were good, kind and compassionate strangers, but strangers, none-the-less.
I was homesick. I needed my Father. My brother and sister as well as Joseph"s parents and Sarah I missed dreadfully. In my despair, I realized my only needs were for my home and family.
Instead, I was in a distant place, surrounded by animals with a stranger who would assist at the birth of my child. Joseph looked so lost and lonely as he left the hut where the baby was to be born, I wanted to comfort him. I sniffled, wiped my eyes, but the tears would not stop.
I felt a warm cloth pressed against my face. “Go ahead and cry. It"ll make you feel better.” Ruth stated, her voice calm and caring. “Let me wipe your face.” She had entered the room without my knowledge.
She was as thin a woman as her husband was fat. Dark eyes displayed love and compassion. Her hands were slim and work-worn. Though about the age of my mother, wrinkles on her face were barely discernable. Her smiles as she worked with me brightened her entire face.
Watching her, I knew God sent her to care for me. She bustled about, spreading knife, string, salt and clean cloths onto a bushel. This basket was upturned and made into a table, just as we did at home. She brought a container of water and set it to one side.
“I asked your husband to bring a few more skins of water.” She smiled at me in a conspiratorial manner. “That will keep him busy for a while.” She stooped down beside me. “Mary, can you raise yourself a little? I"d like to place clean cloths beneath you.”
“Of course,” and I raised myself from the pallet. She spread quite a bit of hay, then the cloth on top. She removed the pallet and had me lie back down.
The cramps...no...it was more than cramps. The agony came in waves. I felt like my body was tearing to bits.
Once, I felt I left the earth. I saw myself floating over the stable, watching what happened below.
My belly became a huge pulsating knot as the Baby moved to get out of His warm cocoon. He pushed against my ribs so hard I wondered if they might crack. The mound moved down and, for a moment, the pain subsided.
It was then I noticed how quiet the animals were. None had made a sound since my labor intensified. I looked around at them. They all seemed to be watching, waiting for something to happen. It was almost as though they knew a momentous event was occurring and they understood.
I wanted to scream...cry out, but I knew Joseph was just outside. I didn"t want him to hear me. Once, I almost wanted to curse God who had given me this burden to bear. So much pain, so much travail just to bring His Son into this world. Was it worth it? I asked myself.
I twisted and turned, trying to move away from the torture. In spite of my efforts, it followed wherever I turned.
Ruth stayed near, holding my hand as I squeezed hers so tightly I felt I was breaking her bones. She encouraged me to breathe as the animals did when they were giving birth. It gave a little relief from the torment. She told me to scream if I felt like it; for many reasons, I felt I couldn"t.
“It would frighten Joseph to death if I screamed.” I tried to laugh, but was barely able to smile. “He is so sensitive.”
“I"m sure your husband knows what happens when birth occurs. He expects to hear you. Don"t try to hold those screams in. They sometime help to relieve the pain.” She wiped my face with a fluffy cloth, her voice murmuring softly. “Just let go.”
“Joseph isn"t the only reason I can"t let myself cry aloud, Ruth.” A small pain hit and I panted, trying to go with the pain as she had shown me. It subsided. “You have customers in the Inn, entertaining themselves. I can"t intrude on their celebration...whatever it is they"re happy about.”
Jealousy hit me and I raged silently that anyone could enjoy themselves tonight when I was in so much agony.
I gasped as anguish shot through my body. This pain felt like it was an enemy, tearing bones from flesh. I gasped at the intensity.
Ruth grasped my hand, “Go with it, Mary. Push.”
I pushed, attempting to rid my body of this horror. When the pain finally subsided, I took a deep breath as I clung to her hand.
I stared up at this lovely woman. “I can"t make noises, Ruth. On possibly the busiest night of the year, your husband is taking care of all the work in the Inn while you"re with me. I couldn"t make a disturbance and run some of your livelihood away.”
She smiled as she wiped my face. She bent down and kissed my cheek. “Honey, those people won"t hear you.
And it won"t matter if they do.”
“There are the animals, too. Smelling blood is bad enough, but they might really get upset should I begin to scream. It isn"t fair to them.” Another pain hit as water poured down my face, sweat mingling with tears.
She wiped the sweat and tears from my face and cleansed my body frequently. The soiled cloths and straw were often replaced. When this happened, the sweet smelling straw killed the odor of the blood I was spilling.
The pain hit me like a cart slamming into the side of a building. I couldn"t take any more. “Oh, God,” I moaned.
“Please let This Child of Yours be born soon.” I twisted. I turned. I panted. I breathed with a rasp. I clutched Ruth"s hands.
Finally, in the darkest part of the night I felt my insides give way. Something slipped from my body. I rested. I was so exhausted I barely knew the Baby was born until I heard His soft cry.
“It"s a beautiful little Boy, Mary.” Her voice was tender.
I rested as she cut the umbilical cord, tied it, then cleaned the baby. She wiped his entire body with salt, to keep any potential infection at bay. She then wrapped him in swaddling clothes. She laid him in my arms as the after-birth spewed from me. Then she cleansed me, and I lay back on fresh straw, with a clean pallet beneath me.
I barely heard her tell Joseph to enter. I knew he was there when he stooped down beside us. He tenderly moved a tress of wet hair from my forehead, then kissed me deeply. “Oh, Mary,” and I saw tears in his eyes. “The pain you endured to bring this Little One into the world must have been terrible. I wish I could have shared it with you.” His voice was tender and oh so soft. “May God bless you always.”
He reached out a large, frozen, work worn finger and gently touched the tender skin of our new born. “How beautiful He is.” I sat up and Joseph helped me to my feet, as I held Jesus. I turned and laid Jesus in the manger on the sweet smelling straw. Could any child be more wonderful, I asked myself. And knew that when I had other children I would feel differently, no matter how hard I attempted to show no favoritism.
I lay down beside the Baby and closed my eyes as Ruth covered us both with a cloak. Joseph stooped near us and held my hand. “Rest,” he said, kissing me on the forehead. His steps were quiet as he left me. When he opened the door, I heard the reveling still going on in the Inn.
I rested, nestling Jesus in my arms, dozing. I heard Joseph when he returned. I didn"t wake completely, but I could feel him hovering, protecting us.
Soon, I heard Ruth return and opened my eyes. There were snowflakes on her shoulders, but her face held a puzzled expression. “The strangest thing has happened. There"s a huge star standing right over this hut.” And she pointed upward.
I started to rise. “Stay, Mary,” Joseph cautioned. “I"ll see what it"s all about.”
When he returned, he led a group of shepherds into the room. The older man said, “I"m Abraham.” And he ducked his head in greeting.
He was a tall, thin man, with wind-burned complexion. His twinkling brown eyes missed nothing as he glanced around. He rubbed his hands together to alleviate the coldness. The thatch of grey hair which covered his head and hung over his ears held tiny flakes of snow, softly melting onto the ground. His mustache was thick and grey, but neatly combed. Sandals covered long, thin, sand encrusted feet and his cloak was dusty, but wrapped around him tightly. On his bony arm he carried a crook. Two younger men entered behind Abraham. “These are my sons,” Abraham swept his hand toward younger men as he began introductions. “They are Jeremiah and Amos.”
Jeremiah stepped forward, bowed a moment, then stepped back as two boys entered. “These are my boys, Obadiah and Saul.”
I noticed these entrants were quite young. As they crowded in behind the men, they reminded me of my brother.
They were at once graceful when bowing and awkward as they shifted from one foot to the other. Maybe they were old enough for their Bar Mitzva, I thought, but barely. They looked around the rough building, noticing each animal, then on to the mangers, as well as the few tools visible.
“And this is my son, Jonah,” Amos said, stepping forward. I thought Jonah must be no more than 10 years old.
He was shy and stared at me in awe.
As I looked closely, it was obvious they were all part of the same family. They were tall, thin men, wearing robes which I"m sure their wives or mothers made. Each had brown eyes that twinkled at some unknown, unheard joke. Each wore a girdle and a camel"s hair cloak.
Each also wore a head veil pulled back, which partially covered their thick black, straight hair. Though the odor they brought was as bad as most sheep herders, it didn"t seem to matter.
“We have come to see the babe that was born.” Abraham stated in his deep voice.
I hurriedly picked up Jesus, holding him too tightly. Alarmed, I stared from Joseph to the shepherds as Jesus squirmed.
“How did you know about a baby?” Joseph asked, his voice abrupt and harsh. “Who told you?”
“The Angels told us,” Abraham replied in a hushed, reverent voice. “We were out on the hillside watching our sheep...”
Jeremiah interrupted. “We"ve been having troubles with animals who prey on our sheep and we were keeping an especially close watch...”
Amos exclaimed. “Suddenly this bright light appeared above us...”
Obadiah flung his arms in the air, the crook nearing the animals, causing the donkeys to stamp their feet and bray in alarm. “And I have never been so scared...”
His enthusiasm subsided as Jeremiah spoke sternly, “Obediah!”
Jonah could contain himself no longer. “It was an Angel.” He declared, with an emphatic nod of his head. “It stood right in front of us, like we could reach out and touch it. It said it was the Glory of the Lord and the light shined all around us.”
“We sure was scared.” Obadiah repeated.
“It was the brightest thing I ever saw.” Saul said, his voice filled with wonder. “That Angel brought a whole bunch of Angels with them and they...”
Abraham had let the others tell as much of the story as he intended and began again. “This first Angel told us not to be afraid. He said he had brought great news and a lot of joy to all people.” He shook his head in bewilderment. “We didn"t know what he meant, but the Angel just kept on talking. He said that in the city of David...” He nodded to himself, then looked at us. “That"s Bethlehem, you know.”
We nodded back when he again stopped. “The angel told us there was a Savior born who is Christ the Lord.”
His voice became quiet with reverence as he talked.
Amos took up the story. “The angel told us this bright star and the angels appearing were signs. And then he said there was a babe wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.”
Saul interrupted. “And when that Angel got through talking, a whole other bunch of Angels appeared and started singing...”
Amos" eyes looked as bright as stars themselves, as he concluded. “They sang, „Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to all men with whom God is well pleased.”
Jeremiah said, his voice hushed. “Suddenly it got dark, except for this very big star shining right over us. As soon as we could get the sheep into the cave, out of the weather and safe from animals, we followed it here.”
“And there that babe is,” Saul sang out, pointing to Jesus, who was sleeping.
The old man spoke in a reverent voice. “It is a wondrous thing that has happened.”
They moved nearer to Jesus, but held their distance. They fell down and worshiped the Baby, saying prayers to God. When finished, they stood, looked at Joseph and me, then nodded in unison and without another word, left the stable.
Ruth stayed in a corner of the hut while the shepherds were there. I could tell by her face she was wondering what had just happened. It was impossible to explain to her. She could not know she was the instrument God used to help bring His Son into the world.
She walked over to me. “Mary, I don"t know why a star came and stood above this cave. I don"t know what happened with the shepherds, and I"m not sure I believe what they said. I"m not even sure I want to know.”
I placed my hand on her arm. “Ruth, I can never thank you enough for what you"ve done this night. Somehow, Joseph and I will pay for all your labors and the kindnesses you have shown.”
She hugged me closely. “Maybe I"ve seen a miracle, but I don"t know how or why. I do know I"ve never participated at a birth when I felt so in touch with God.” She walked over to the manger and looked at Jesus who was awake.
“The only pay you owe is to bring Him to visit if you return to Bethlehem.”
“I will,” I promised, as I readied myself to feed him.
“Come, Joseph,” Ruth suggested. She picked up the dirty clothes as well as the rest of her materials. “We"ll get food for Mary. She must keep up her strength.” They left the cave, Joseph looking back at his family with a proud smile.
Later, I heard many listened as the story of the shepherds and a star was told. Few believed. Those who had been dancing and dining and having a good time in the building where the star appeared, said little. Later, I heard there was quite a bit of talk in Bethlehem and surrounding areas.
I kept all these happenings in my heart, wondering at the behavior of the shepherds. Would there be more events to remember and ponder?
As Jesus pulled at my breasts, I knew that never had a sensation been as wonderful or as fulfilling for a woman.
Her child must depend on her for his total well-being.
This was what God put woman on earth for, I thought. She was to nurture her newborn and give sustenance to her husband. She was to be a handmaiden to the Lord and to lead her family in the right way. Now, I had a tiny bit of knowledge as to what being a mother meant.
This realization frightened me more than anything ever had. As Jesus ate, I wondered. How could I be so much to so many different people? Was I capable? I didn"t know. Was I capable of leading this Jesus, whom I had just given birth to, in the way His Father decreed? Could I be a loving wife to Joseph? Could I be a good mother to any other children I might birth? I didn"t know. I said aloud, “God will lead me.”
I unwrapped Jesus" swaddling clothes and examined him from head to toe. His little fingers were long and slender. They curled around my finger, holding on tightly. Brown eyes stared up at me as though he could really see.
When a cow lowed softly Jesus turned His head, then swiftly returned to eating. As He ate, I looked around at this poor place where He had been born. True, it was warm and clean. I hoped and prayed if we had other babies there"d be a bed for them. I also prayed we"d be home around our people so they could rejoice with us.
Jesus" entire body was beautifully made. His skin was as soft as a new born lamb. My fingers stroked the down on His head, then I leaned over and kissed the softness.
When He stopped eating, I picked up the swaddling cloths. I held Him tightly for a moment then kissed His button of a nose. I was rewrapping Him as Joseph returned with a tray for me. He placed the tray on a bushel as I swaddled Jesus, then laid Him back in the manger.
Standing near the manger, I drank the soup Ruth prepared. It was hot and tasty and served with steaming bread.
I knew I was gorging myself, but couldn"t seem to stop.
“Slow down, honey.” Joseph admonished with a smile. “You"ll be sick.”
I grinned at him. “Joseph, I"ve never been so hungry in my entire life. I hope having babies won"t always do this to me or I"ll be as fat as Father"s favorite ox.”
Placing the bowl on the tray, I said,“It would be nice if we had the cradle you made.”
I put the last bite of bread in my mouth and chewed.
“He"ll have the cradle soon.” Joseph promised. “We"ll be on our way as soon as we go to Jerusalem to the Temple.”
“I had forgotten that. We must find a place to stay for forty days, until my time of uncleanliness is over.”
“Yes, and we must get Jesus circumcised and make a trip to the temple so you can make sacrifices and I can redeem Jesus.”
“I can"t wait,” I said, my impatience showing. “That donkey sure is a blessing.” I then walked across the cave to check on Jesus.
Joseph caught my arm, stopping my forward movement.
“Mary, slow down.” Joseph said. “I want to say something and I want you to listen.”
“What is it?” I stopped and looked up into his eyes that glowed with love and something else...reverence?
“I know what you went through must have been torture.” His voice was so tender I could barely hear him. “It would have been all right to scream. Don"t you know I understood what was happening?”
“Joseph,” I reached up and kissed him.
“Oh, my darling little Mary,” He took me in his arms. “Don"t you know men feel the pain their wives are enduring?”
I thought about that a moment. “I honestly didn"t know that.” I put my hand in his and held on tightly. I knew Joseph was sensitive, but I didn"t understand until that moment just how sensitive he really was.
I laughed at him. “Next time I"ll scream, I promise.”
I loosed my hands from his as he walked to the manger. He stood looking at Jesus, then picked Him up. As he stared at the Baby, tears formed in his eyes and he held the Child tightly. It was almost as though he could never let anything hurt this Infant. I knew in that moment Joseph felt this was as much his child as any he would ever have.
Soon after Jesus" birthday, we decided to stay in Bethlehem longer than planned. It happened this way.
The next morning I awoke to a soft mewing sound. I turned on my bed of straw and looked at the perfect little face looking back at me. As I fed him, Ruth entered.
“Please come and have a meal with us. We would really like to get to know you.” She grinned down at Jesus and patted His face. “Besides, I can"t let Him go home yet.”
I looked at Joseph and he nodded. “We"d like that very much.”
When Ruth left, Joseph brought water and I bathed the baby and myself.
As we stepped from the hut, I shivered and made sure Jesus was covered warmly. Though the sun peeked behind a playful cloud, and there was no snow this morning, it was still cold.
“I wonder if all the people have left the Inn,” Joseph remarked, as we both noticed the lack of people milling about. It was so quiet I couldn"t believe it was the same Inn we entered last night.
Looking at the building, we could tell it needed repairs. “I wonder if I could work to repay them for their kindness,” Joseph said quietly, as we walked toward the open door.
The soft, gentle sway of almond trees outside the door scented the air. There was a puff of wind and a few pink and white blooms dropped to the ground. We hoped they hadn"t bloomed too early so the nuts would not grow and mature. A small limb from a shrub, possibly broken by a visitor, swept across the yard.
Entering the room, the odors of food and drinks tantalized our appetites. I looked around as we entered, being unable to fully appreciate it the night before. Now, only Ruth and her husband sat at a highly-polished table.
“Come, sit with us.” Matthew invited, a smile lighting up his thin face. “There"s hot tea and bread, as well as juice. The honey cakes will be done soon. Please help yourselves.” He stood and held out his hand to shake Joseph"s, then leaned toward me. His soft hand reached tenderly toward Jesus. “So this is the little one who was born in our barn.”
I showed Jesus off as Ruth poured tea. She then reached to take the Baby, now clean and fed, to cuddle Him. I picked up my cup. “It sure is quiet, isn"t it?” I said, then sipped the tea.
“It always is after everyone leaves in the mornings.” Matthew said. “Last night was really momentous, though.
We"re happy to sit and breathe for a few minutes.”
The caravans had earlier resumed their journeys. The visitors, animal and human, who stayed at the inn overnight had departed. People who came to Bethlehem to register were on their way home, as well.
There was barely a sound, except the grunts and other noises emanating from Jesus.
As we sat around the table, Joseph noticed a large splinter hanging from the side. “Do you have an axe or knife I can cut this splinter away?”
Matthew nodded. “Anything else?”
“If you have a plane, then I can smooth it so it doesn"t hurt anyone.” He suggested. “I"m afraid the next person who sits here just might get hurt.”
Matthew was studying Joseph as he worked with the splinter. “Are you a carpenter, Joseph?”
“Yes,” he replied. “and I"m happy to fix this. It"s the least I can do after the way you and Ruth cared for us.” He bent the piece of wood back and forth until he could do the repairs.
“Joseph, I"ll get whatever tools you need if you and Mary will stay with us awhile. We need an enormous amount of work done in this place,” he stated, as he waved a hand to encompass the entire inn. “We"ve needed repairs for quite a long time, but it"s impossible to hire a dependable worker.”
Ruth laughed and patted Matthew"s hand affectionately. “Poor Matthew can"t pick up a tool without bruising, or cutting his hand or something even more dramatic.”
His thick jowls jiggled as he grinned, nodding in agreement. “Incidentally, Ruth and I have discussed ways to make our place into a really good caravansary. We"d like to build more rooms and furnish them better.” He looked around the room as though he could already see his dreams fulfilled. “But we could never find a carpenter who was dependable.”
Joseph looked at me, but I could not give him an answer. “Matthew, will you let Mary and me discuss this before we decide?”
“Of course.”
“I have to tell you Matthew, we must go to Jerusalem so Mary can offer her sacrifices. I must also pay to redeem our Son at the temple.”
“Of course. If you and Mary decide to remain in Bethlehem, you"ll have a place to stay, with work for as long as you wish.” He poured more grape juice into our cups. “I have enough work for many months. I also have friends who would be happy to hire someone they can trust.”
Later, while Jesus slept, with Ruth watching Him, Joseph and I walked around. In the distance, mountain tops sparkled with snow. Lower down, we saw splotches of green, scarlet, amber and tan. Nearer to us, clay of the road running by the Inn glowed red in the sunshine. We wore robes with cowls to keep as warm as possible.
“What do you think, Mary?” Though the sky was beginning to threaten rain or worse, dust from the courtyard flew in little swirls around our feet as we walked. Small pebbles lay underfoot as well. I saw where Ruth had tried to grow flowers. Stalks were brown from the cold. With so many people arriving each day, very few plants survived. The survivors wilted in either the cold or the heat.
“Should we stay in Bethlehem or go home?” He stooped and picked up a rock as he used to do in the mountains around Nazareth.
“Joseph, I don"t know.” I stopped and lifted my foot. Joseph held my arm as I removed a pebble from my sandal. “This job may be perfect for us right now. You said work was getting very scarce at home, didn"t you?”
As we walked, we talked about conditions back home. “Yes. Remember, Joseph, since Herod sent soldiers to Nazareth, people are saving their money. They know taxes will increase. Some are afraid they may have to flee their homes.”
We stopped and Joseph looked in the distance as though he could see all the way to Nazareth.
“Matthew told us we"d have a place to stay Joseph, and though we"ve just met, I really like Ruth. She"s such a nice person and treats us like family.”
“It"s all right with you if we stay?” I loved Joseph for taking my feelings into consideration before making a decision.
“I can"t abide not being home with our families, but we must do what we think is best for us.”
When we told Matthew and Ruth we were staying, they took us upstairs to a room furthest from the dining area.
“I know this isn"t the best room in the world, but it will be quieter than the rest.” Matthew"s voice held hope as he asked, “Will this be all right?”
“Don"t you rent this every night?” Joseph asked.
I looked around the room. There were no furnishings. The room was merely a bare floor and walls. However, two windows gave quite a bit of light in the daytime. It was quite large and had glass on the windows.
Looking more closely, I felt it had a great deal of potential. The walls and floors were clean, the glass panes were a plus as far as I was concerned.
“People furnish their own pallets when we rent it.” Matthew said, “If we hire you, we can save money by paying you a smaller salary.” Matthew slapped Joseph on the back and his belly shook as he laughed.
Joseph smiled and they shook hands. “We"ll take the job and the room. That is, if you don"t mind if I make a few pieces of furniture for it.”
“I"ll even give you the wood.” Matthew said and he and Joseph went downstairs. I stayed for a while, envisioning what could be done to make the room livable.
The first job was to build a table. Joseph had it completed before the day was over. As he worked on the table, I wrote mother to inform her of our decision. The next caravan heading in the direction of Nazareth would take the letter for us.
That night as we lay on our pallets, Jesus between us, I looked toward the sky. I smiled as Joseph"s muted snores sounded. Millions of stars twinkled as I watched the half-moon rise.
Was this what God wanted for us? I asked myself. Where was Gabriel tonight?
A hyena screamed and a jackal barked. I glanced at Jesus. His breathing was slow and regular. He smiled in his sleep as I moved him to my other side and snuggled closer to Joseph on our pallet. Still sleeping, Joseph placed his arm around me and rested his head on mine.
A few weeks later Jeremiah, Father"s friend, the caravan leader, brought mother"s answering scroll. When I unrolled it, my hands shook. I was so happy to hear from home.
Mother wrote:
“We"re so disappointed you won"t be home soon, we can hardly wait to see our Grandson. Of course, you and Joseph, as well. We understand why you"re staying. There"s little work here at the moment because people still don"t know what Herod will do.
“If Joseph has a good position we all agree it will be better for you and your family to stay there for awhile.
“Too, when you begin your journey home, travel will be easier because Jesus will be older.
“We are taking care of your house with help from Joseph"s family. They talk with us frequently and miss not being able to run in to see you both when they desire.
“Sarah"s little belly is rounding out, but it"s still quite a while before the anticipated birth. All in Nazareth send their love and blessings on the three of you.”
I read the scroll so many times Joseph said I would wear it out. I finally tied it with a piece of colored string and placed it so I could see it when I became homesick.