Overcoming the final boundaries of passion…
NOTE:
The first scene here is a direct continuation of the
Prologue scene from Truths Untold.
Jasper, Alberta
September 2000
The sound of the splash still echoing in the distance, a soft voice and a gentle touch came to him from behind.
"What was that, Mulder?"
He spun around quickly, dazed with the feeling that he had just briefly lost some time, and inexplicably guilty about the fact that she had probably been witness to it. Old habits die hard. Track two, side A, of Mulder & Scully's Greatest Hits collection....
"What was what?" He swept aside some twigs and leaves from the seat next to him and extended his arm in a welcoming gesture.
She rolled her eyes at him, maneuvering around the tree to join him on the colorfully painted wooden bench, one of many scattered along the shore surrounding the lake. Dressed in a white sleeveless tunic top over some matching walking shorts, she looked like a totally different person than the one that he usually encountered on a day to day basis. So much softer and relaxed. So much more so than he had ever imagined her capable of being, in all honesty. Why on earth hadn't he thought of taking her on a vacation sooner?
"You just threw something into the water," she whispered conspiratorially into his ear, edging close to him in the most "personal space invading" way she knew how. And she knew how very well, considering she had learned from a master over the years.
Leaning away from her slightly so he could look into her eyes, he replied dryly, "Aren't you up a little early for having stayed up so late, Scully?"
"Okay, so you don't want to tell me. Fine."
"No, it's just that I'm feeling a little ridiculous 'cause I don't actually recall doing it. I mean, I meant to do it, but..." At her puzzled and almost concerned look, he shrugged it off with a sheepish smile. "This fresh mountain air must be intoxicating, that's all. It was — a ritual I promised to perform."
"Promised who?"
"Myself. And someone else who once cared about me."
He looked off into the distance to where the object in question had pierced the surface of the water. Tell-tale concentric ripples were still radiating outwards from the area, growing larger and more undefined until they faded into the depths of the lake. She followed his gaze for several seconds before looking at his face, reading it perfectly. After all these months, it was still obvious whenever he thought about her.
"Diana?"
It struck him how, for the first time that he could figure, the name didn't stick in her throat in some way. Ever since they shared a somewhat heated "full disclosure" conversation a few months ago, Dana Scully had finally come to terms with Diana Fowley, laying her unfortunate rival to rest. In the meantime, the process had also allowed him to grieve properly. He finally came to some satisfactory understanding that Diana had been put into the position of not having many choices, to the point where she ultimately lost control over what her life had become. Strangely enough, it had been Scully who had convinced him that it was perfectly acceptable to have happy memories of their time together all those years ago. We are the sum total of all of our memories. If we arbitrarily cast any of them aside, even for what we think are noble reasons, we become less than what we're meant to be. Impromptu Dana Scully wisdom. Funny how things worked out.
"Yeah. When I finally caught up with her after all those months, I tried to give back the wedding band that she had left me with, but she wouldn't hear of it. I didn't tell you this part — and I know it sounds pretty pathetic — but I wore that ring the whole time she was gone."
Instinctively, she reached up to her throat and touched her necklace. "So there's precedent..."
"Well, no. Maybe, I don't know. When I wore this," he leaned over to slide his fingers underneath hers, tilting up the cross so that it reflected in the sunlight, "it was with the hope that it would act as some sort of beacon, to lead me back to you. On the other hand, it never entered my mind that wearing the ring would help me find Diana. It wasn't even like I was trying to find her. It was just that I wasn't quite ready to let go yet, to face a certain element of truth. I was a lot younger back then, Scully. Principled, but in a different way. Anyway, she told me to keep it so that I could perform some sort of ritual with it."
"What do you mean — or, what did she mean by that? What kind of ritual?"
"She told me — and these are her words, not mine — that when I finally find the woman who can love me the way I deserve to be loved, I should do something with it. You know, to mark the occasion."
"Like throwing it into a lake?"
"Like throwing it into a lake."
He looked into her eyes momentarily and then shifted his attention to the water lapping close by, marveling at the identical liquid blueness that he saw in both.
"Interesting concept. Seems an uncharacteristically magnanimous gesture for a woman in that situation, though."
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, when she said it, it was with more than just a broad hint that it might eventually be her."
"And what? You didn't believe it could ever happen?"
"Not at the time. I told you that I didn't take her little disappearance as a betrayal, but it still affected me. It was something that couldn't be erased no matter how many times she said that she loved me. Diana was good at saying the words, you know; I heard them all the time. I just knew that whatever she had been involved in that had kept her away for six months — regardless of whether it had been for my own good, for my own protection, whatever — I just wasn't going to get over it that easily."
"And yet..."
"And yet, when I saw her a couple of years ago for the first time in almost a decade, why did I react the way I did?"
She dropped her head slightly, wondering if she would always be so transparent. "I dunno. Maybe I just wanted to hurt some more."
In the brief spell of silence that followed, Scully thought back to that strange time in their lives, a little over two years ago, in the months after her cancer had gone into remission. Somehow it made perfect sense that Mulder gravitated towards Diana when he saw her again. It must have been a strange combination of wanting self-punishment and basic, fundamental escape. Who better to do that with than an old flame?
"Did you sleep with her?"
"I assume you mean within the past couple of years?"
She nodded, brushing off a leaf that had fallen into her lap, trying not to appear too solemn should the answer not be what she wanted to hear. He seemed to be taking his time in answering her, in any case.
"No.... Does that surprise you?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, it does."
"I'm hurt." He was only joking, but he had to admit to being slightly disturbed by her implied assumption. "Why would you think I'd sleep with her?"
She had her reasons, but Scully knew that there were certain things that would never be shared, no matter how close two people were.
"Well, it wasn't like you and I were involved at the time."
"Scully, you and I have always been involved. From the moment we met. It would be a lie to try to deny that."
"So are you saying that you haven't slept with anyone in the entire time that we've known each other?"
"No, I'm not saying that."
The look on his face was an odd one indeed. She couldn't tell whether it was an attempt at a false bravado that dared her to ask further, or whether it was a plea not to do so. No matter, since she surely did not want to know any details. Just another one of those things that needn't be shared.
"Anyway... getting back to Diana, she threw herself at you enough times, and was obvious enough about it."
"Not to sound egotistical, Scully, but you've seen various other women throw themselves at me. I haven't slept with any of them either. Besides, you didn't exactly ask if I was tempted." He punctuated his last word by flicking his fingers playfully at the buttons of her shirt. She swatted his hand away and decided to play along this time.
"Were you?"
"Were you tempted with Doctor Dan?"
"Do you recall the part about him being a cardiac patient?"
"That's got nothing to do with whether or not you were tempted, Scully."
"In that case, I'd prefer not to answer that." She was smiling as she said it.
"Oh? I'm the only one who gets to do the soul-baring thing this morning?"
"Indulge me, Mulder. I promise it'll be remembered and well paid for before the day is out." "Oooh, well then... ask away, by all means."
He gave her such an exquisitely sweet smile that it made her heart swell. It almost made her want to swallow the question that she simply had to ask, now that the opportunity presented itself. "Since you offered, I do have something else I'd like to clear up. Something that's been eating at me for almost a year now..."
"What is it?"
"When I was in New Mexico last October and I called you to see how you were doing — just before you were admitted to the hospital — Diana answered your phone. I'm positive it was her." "Yeah, it might have been. I mean, it must have been. Yes. What about it?"
"I've never been able to figure out why you called her, how you thought she could possibly help you —"
"I never called her."
"Then why was she at your apartment?"
"I'm a little fuzzy about that entire time, but not so fuzzy that I don't remember how it started. I collapsed in the stairwell at the university and the next thing I knew, she was leaning over my face. She took me home."
"She said at the hospital the next day that you'd called for her."
"Well, Scully, obviously someone called for her. Highly unlikely that she was just passing by. All I'm saying is that it wasn't me."
Scully looked out to where Mulder's little "ritual" had entered the water and could no longer see any ripples to give away what had happened. Gone. That easily.
Unable to tear her eyes away from the water even though she felt Mulder's intense gaze on her, she asked quietly, "Is there any part of you that wishes that things could have turned out differently between you two?"
There was no hesitation this time, his response came so quickly as to be rehearsed. "Specifically, yes; generally, no."
"That's very diplomatic."
She seemed very introspective, and suddenly Mulder wasn't quite sure what part of this conversation was mere satisfaction of morbid curiosity and what part might be something more. He decided that starting from this day forward, he didn't want to be guessing about those sorts of things any more.
"Tell me what you're thinking, Scully."
"I'm thinking about 'finding a woman who loves you the way you deserve to be loved'. Good words."
"I sense a 'but' waiting to be said."
"Well, the 'but' would be that... you surely deserve more than what I've put you through."
"We're not going there anymore, Scully. Right? Whatever our self-perceived shortcomings, we said that we're just gonna move forward and leave all that baggage behind us." Her expression was still tinged with uncertainty, although he could tell that she was trying to rid herself of all doubts. "Hey, I made that a condition of this trip. You weren't supposed to come along if you didn't agree. No
regrets . The misunderstandings we had between us have been resolved. Resolved and buried, just like that ring I threw in there."
"If only 'resolved and buried' could mean 'simple and easy'."
"You know better than that. No matter what path we choose, simple and easy is not in the cards for us."
"I know."
"Hey, don't look so down. We're on holidays. Look at that sky — could you have asked for a better welcome on your first day?"
"After the welcome I got last night, I'd be quite greedy to expect better."
He grinned at her, suddenly feeling extremely light, as though he could float on air. He felt energized. Must have been that little bit of Scully magic last night. He stood up and looked out over the water one final time, saying a personal farewell to a path not taken. Then he turned and reached a hand down to her, pulling her to her feet.
"So Scully, how do you propose we kill these hours before we welcome your second night here?"
* * * * *
Washington, D.C.
Approximately Two Weeks Ago
Dana Scully stopped in her tracks upon seeing her partner sitting at the familiar bench. She had expected to find him here, and yet she was surprised all the same. Surprised because they so rarely came here anymore. But expected because he was by himself. She had always imagined that it was a familiar haunt for him, somewhere he would go to for some peace and quiet. As she continued to watch him from a distance, memories of covert meetings intermingled with incomprehensible feelings of separation and anxiety came flooding back like it had all been yesterday. But she didn't need reality to remind her that it had been many yesterdays ago. Six years' worth, in fact. Long before either one of them had been forced to make any truly important decisions. Long before life — in essence — became complicated.
She had left him an hour before lunch, off to run a quick errand. They had been cleaning out the basement office, organizing files for an internal audit and evaluation that Skinner had told them would happen sometime within the next six weeks or so. Cases were light, as they oddly tended to be in the late summer. Catching up on paperwork and ensuring some semblance of organization was an annual ritual that they usually undertook at this time of the year. Nothing overly exciting or exerting. So she was surprised when she returned to find him nowhere in sight. No note, no message. His jacket was hanging on the coat rack and his cellphone — as she soon discovered — was in its pocket. When two o'clock rolled around and he still hadn't returned, she started out on the long walk to find him. Across the mall and many steps beyond, she finally arrived at her present location.
She saw him lean forward, resting his chin in a steeple formed by his fingers, his elbows supported by his knees. The muscles in her stomach clenched involuntarily at the sight. The reaction took her by surprise. In itself, the scene she observed would not have been disturbing to any passerby. A man was simply sitting on a bench by the river, probably deep in thought. All in all, nothing too much out of the ordinary. So why did Scully see the picture as one of profound loss?
She continued to watch from a distance, approaching only when she finally saw him sit up straight again.
"Is this seat taken?"
Mulder looked up, shading his eyes with his hand as he tried to focus on the figure against the bright afternoon sun. No mistaking that form. And no mistaking that line, either, the one that brought with it so many memories from days gone by. Memories of secret messages and after-dark meetings. Back when the chase was still thrilling and new. When life was simplistic and focused. Exactly how long ago was it? Fox Mulder suddenly felt very old.
He had also gone too long without answering. Scully seemed a bit unnerved by his silence and started to apologize for her intrusion.
"I'm sorry. I — I didn't realize that you might want to be alone..."
"No, Scully — have a seat. I just zoned out for a second; seeing you standing there took me back. Didn't expect you, that's all. And since when did that question need an actual reply anyway?"
"Oh, you mean, it was just our secret code for clandestine meetings?"
"Yeah, kinda like a password to get us into our exclusive club. Only paranoiacs and enigmatic doctors need apply. Although after all these years, I think I'm a little less paranoid and you're a little less enigmatic — at least to me."
Clandestine meetings. Exclusive clubs. Everything seemed to have a double meaning these days. "Life used to be so thrilling, huh, Scully?"
"Used to be? What are you saying, Mulder — that your life is dull all of a sudden?" "Not dull, no. Never dull."
"But not thrilling?"
"Not especially... and I'm not just talking work, Scully."
Well, there it was in a nutshell. Life outside of work had never been thrilling, so what was he getting at?
"Mulder, to you, work has always been your life and vice versa. Now I know that you've reached the end of a lot of thrilling chases, but look at what it's brought you. Rumor is that the X-Files might be set to become a full fledged division that'll be given full recognition at the Bureau. And I know you're not given to valuing that sort of thing, but you must know what all this means in the big picture. A lot of changes are going to be happening, changes that you and I have worked towards for so long. I mean, Mulder, you might soon have everything you've ever hoped for."
There was a significant and protracted moment of silence before he turned away from her and said, "I won't have you."
She was so surprised that all she could do was return the silence. He, on the other hand, was expecting at least some sort of attempt at appeasing him, such as, "what do you mean by that?".
"So it's true?" He stared out across the river, avoiding the questioning gaze that he felt from her. "No, of course not. What have you heard?"
"That you've accepted a forensics research assignment at Quantico as part of a small team working under the supervision of a Doctor or Agent James Russell."
She breathed a small sigh of relief. That.
"Well, if you know that much, Mulder, then you should also know that it's a temporary assignment that doesn't even officially remove me from active field duty."
"I heard fourteen months, Scully. That's about as temporary as the year twenty-oh-one." "It's not full time."
"Fine. It doesn't really matter anyway. Except for the fact that you made this decision on your own — without even bringing it to my attention. When were you going to tell me? Were you just going to leave? Didn't you even want to give me time to get a new partner?"
The way he emphasized the last word made her flinch inwardly. This was totally unexpected. That she didn't let him know from the beginning had nagged at her all along, but she had not anticipated having to answer to this barrage of emotion here on the banks of the Potomac.
"What we've heard is that the X-Files division is getting actual resources, Mulder. You're going to have your pick of junior agents. My position on this research team is going to leave me with two or three days every week to pursue my regular work. I thought that it was an arrangement that wouldn't require you to take on a full-time partner."
"Did you ever stop to think about whether I wanted to do this anymore?"
Talk about unexpected.
"What are you saying, Mulder? That you're done with the X-Files?"
"Scully, so much has happened over the past year. I think my head is still spinning from all of it. I've felt things over the past twelve months that I've never felt before. It's been crazy. I've been crazy. I've lost so much and yet I feel I should be thankful for so much more. And throughout everything, I keep turning to you as that pillar of stability in my life, that constant reminder of where my own reality begins and ends. But somewhere along the way, I lost track of the fact that we still have our own agendas. We're still each our own person. And ultimately, we have our own roads to follow. I didn't realize that until this morning."
"What happened this morning?"
"I got a call from the University. They're interested in having me teach a course in paranormal sciences of all things."
"Are you interested?"
"Maybe, but that's not the point."
"What is the point?"
"The point is that maybe we've gone as far as we can, doing what we've been doing. Together. Regardless of what the Bureau has in store for the X-Files, maybe it is time for us to go our separate ways. Professionally speaking. Scully, we can't go on hiding what's happened for much longer. If I recall, it was never our intention. And I don't know about you, but it doesn't feel right to be involved in this illicit — albeit well-behaved — affair. I know we've agreed not to conduct any bedroom romps for the time being, but we've already crossed that line and at some point, continuing to deny ourselves is just stupid."
"What does all of this mean in terms of —"
"This project you've signed on for? I guess what I'm trying to say is that, much as I don't like it, I think I now realize that it's inevitable. You've got other places to go and so do I. So I've been sitting here trying to gain clarity, you might say."
"But..." She stopped and glanced at her watch, smiling slightly when she returned her gaze to his face. "Clarity is not quickly or easily gained?"
"Something like that." He offered a crooked, self-deprecating grin in return, squinting against the sunlight. "You look like you have something to say, Scully. What is it? You didn't just traipse out here to find my sorry ass, did you?"
"Well, I couldn't get ahold of you by phone." Mulder looked to both sides of himself, suddenly aware that he was just in his shirtsleeves. No jacket next to him; he had be en sitting out here in total cellphone deprivation.
"I got my appointment confirmed. This Sunday."
Scully's annual medical. Another agonizing check into the state of the cancer. Another tension-filled two weeks of not just hoping that everything was stable, but of praying that nothing new had surfaced. At that particular thought, Mulder felt his muscles tighten up as he revisited an unpleasant memory from a few months ago. Scully's little "outing" with the Cancerman. The incident had dangerously sidetracked the two of them for nearly a week. He just hadn't known how to deal with the unexpected anger that he felt at her misguided adventure. And he was scared to death that something had been done to her without her knowledge. He had almost insisted that she get checked out right then and there, but for the sake of rebuilding some unity over what eventually turned out to be the beginning of a rather rough period for them, he had left it alone.
Scully knew exactly that sort of thoughts had entered his head just by his changed expression. "I was wondering if you'd come with me..."
The look on his face softened immediately as he reached over and took one of her hands from her lap. He was still somewhat amazed that she had asked, despite the fact that little by little, she had been more open about her vulnerability lately.
"Of course I will."
They sat in contented silence for several minutes, before Scully withdrew her hand and got up, walking towards the edge of the river bank.
"How long have you known about this project, Mulder?" She kept her back to him while she talked. "About a week or so. Your Dr. Russell called my number by mistake; wanted to leave a message with me that the project had been approved. I told him to call back and put it in your voicemail." "I was wondering why you've been sort of distant lately..."
"Sorry. It's my unfortunate male ego, Scully. I thought you were running away from me. Like I said, a bit of clarity helps. You'd think I would have realized a long time ago that neither one of us wants to be doing this until we're fifty. We have to let go some time."
"So it looks like you might have a real decision to make too."
"Well, this position is for January. I have some time on my side. But I'd still like to see what comes out of this department evaluation thing. Although, no matter how nicely they put it, it's still an audit and those are never pleasant. Maybe my decision will be made for me."
"Would that surprise you?"
"After all the decisions that I haven't made in this lifetime? Not one bit. But who knows — maybe this time, I'll even agree with it."
She turned around to lean against the steel railing, meeting his eyes briefly before looking off into the distance. Mulder took the opportunity to study her from head to toe, considering just how much she had changed since the last time she stood in that exact same spot in front of him.
"I used to come here every now and then, after work, when we were shut down that first time. There was this rock — over there, I think; it's totally covered by that overgrown shrub now — where I'd sit and watch this bench. I'd wait to see if you'd show up."
"Spying on me, Scully?"
"No, but I was concerned about you for a long time. And you weren't altogether forthcoming, if I remember correctly. It was all I could do, since I didn't exactly feel comfortable enough to just call you up and say, 'hey, I'm in the neighborhood, can I drop by'?"
"So did you ever catch me here?"
"Honestly? Once. But I didn't know how to approach you, how to explain why I was even here. So I just left."
He got up from the bench and walked over to her, leaning forward against the railing, facing in the opposite direction.
"Interesting times, huh? Talk about paranoid. Funny thing is, I don't think that I'd have the same commitment to it all if the opportunity were to arise again. I don't think that I can care that much anymore. About the job." He leaned back to look at her, a bemused expression on his face, as though he had surprised even himself by admitting such a thing out loud. "What does that mean?"
"I think it means you're getting old, Mulder." She smiled at his look and reached up to ruffle his hair affectionately. "But seriously, after so many years of chasing the same stick, it's perfectly understandable."
"Are you comparing me to a dog, Scully?"
"All I'm saying is that — outside of what might be happening with the X-Files now, finally — you haven't been rewarded all that well for the time that you've invested. And at some point, the commitment wanes, especially if you've found some of the answers that you've been looking for. I mean, it's not like you're here for the money —"
He laughed. "God, no."
"Or the hours —" She elbowed him in the ribs for emphasis.
"Ow. Another huge benefit. Don't mention respect or I'll really have to cry."
"Mom once told me that as we get older, our priorities sometimes change so much and so quickly that it's astounding when we finally realize it. I guess until that moment we're busy running around looking for the latest and greatest 'key to everything'. Or, I suppose — if our names were Smith and Jones and not Mulder and Scully — we're chasing after the next best minivan or motorboat. We're all the same; it's just a matter of degree. Chasing our tails, not seeing what's really important."
"So you are comparing me to a dog."
"You and me both, Mulder. And maybe the whole flippin' world too."
"You know what, Scully? I think I did manage to gain some clarity here this afternoon. Your mom's right. It is astounding. It's astounding to know that I'm no longer willing to put off the rest of my life for the remainder of this job. Or for any other job for that matter. We only get so many chances and God knows you and I have pushed the limits. So it's not just the dilemma of letting the Bureau know that we are doing what they think we're doing anyway and then trying to live with the aftermath... it's — it's so much bigger than that."
"So as usual, Mulder, where does that leave us?"
"Let's take that vacation, Scully. Let's take your trip to the mountains and see those blue-green lakes before I really get old and my parts shrivel up. I know we have to be on our best behavior for the next little while because of this audit and what it can mean, but... " He turned sideways and leaned in close to her, whispering suggestively into her ear, "In the meantime, let's go somewhere far away where we can relax by day and screw each other's brains out by night. Or the other way around, it really doesn't matter to me. Let's just set aside all these monumental decisions for later."
* * * * *
J. Edgar Hoover Building
Washington, D.C.
Mulder walked up to Skinner's desk as authoritatively as he could manage under the circumstances. The older man's stern expression greeted him as usual, almost warning him to be speedy with his request and not waste his precious time.
"Assistant Director Skinner, I'd like to request clearance for some vacation days for me and Agent Scully."
The stern expression transformed into one of confusion. "Excuse