CHAPTER TWO
I woke up the next day with renewed vigour; time to sort out of my life. I carefully picked a good outfit for work. One of the perks of the job is that you can wear what you want, within reason. No baseball caps, vests, shorts, big logos, but a discrete t-shirt, jeans and trainers is fine. That's my standard casual outfit so it's always nice to go to work like this rather than wearing a boring shirt, trousers and shoes combo like the mind-numbingly dull office job I had a few years ago.
Noticing the time, I rushed to brush my teeth, put some product in my hair and headed quickly out the door towards the nearest bus stop on my route. I have to wait up to twenty minutes for a bus into work. Twenty minutes of worrying about what to say to him.
“Just be yourself,” I said to myself very softly, making sure the old woman near me didn't hear and think I was a weirdo. “Think positive and believe the rumour!”
The rumour came from one of the managers at work, Diane. She's not my line manager so gossiping with her is fine, I think. She came to me with the news at lunch time in work a few weeks ago.
“You'll never guess what, Dom?” she said.
I didn't have a chance to say anything.
“Do you remember that staff night out a few Fridays ago?”
“Yeah, of course,” I replied, slightly bored.
She continued. “Well, I didn't tell you at the time because he was there.”
“Who was there?”
“Freddie” she told me.
“Yeah, I know Freddie was there, because I was there.
She was stating the obvious and I was unsure where this was going.
“Stop talking and listen to me, will you?” she insisted. “So, I bumped into my mate, Stuart, at the bar when you lot were probably dancing to something cheesy. I know this Stuart from my last job. I'd not seen him in a while and I was very surprised to bump into him. Anyway, he only recognised Freddie!”
“Small world,” I replied. “I was expecting something juicer than that though.”
“Well, you'll never guess what?”
“What?” I demanded.
This was going on too long and I knew she liked to drag out a story for maximum effect. This certainly wasn't the first time.
“Well Freddie apparently got absolutely wasted one night and tried to kiss the face off my mate Stuart.”
“What?”
“I know!”
“That's bollocks,” I insisted.
Secretly, I was excited at the thought of it being true. I wanted to do a big camp dance and struggled to restrain myself.
“It's true, Dom. Stuart wouldn't lie about that,” Diane insisted. “I've known him years. It's too random to make up! He said Freddie had been chatting to him and then lunged at him and he had to push him away. And that's the last he saw of him before we were all out the other week.”
I could feel my smile getting wider and it was hard to contain. How weird would it look to Diane if she noticed I was smiling at a guy trying to kiss another guy.
Diane continued. “The dirty dog! He's going round telling everyone he's straight and then he gets pissed and tries to kiss my mate. He's lied to us all this time!”
“Maybe it's not true. We don't know for certain,” I argued, conscious of the fact that I had also lied to Diane and everyone else at work by saying I was straight when I first joined the company several months ago.
“What should we do about it?” asked Diane.
I sensed she wanted to confront him.
“I don't know,” I responded. “I've not worked with him for that long, we've only seen each other out of work a few times and I wouldn't know how to approach the subject. I can't just go up to him and say somebody told me you're gay. Is it true?”
“Yes fair point,” Dianne said laughing. “I think you should fish for the facts though. You're a lot closer to him than I am.”
What she said did made sense. We were much closer.
At that moment, I switched into fantasy mode and imagined me and Freddie curled up on a sofa, kissing whilst watching a soppy film.
Diane quickly stopped me. “So you find out all the dirty details and don't forget to tell me!” she demanded.
I sensed she might be suspicious about me too.
This was quite a girlie conversation and I didn't know if I was being paranoid, but I got the impression she might be testing me. Was she observing my speech and reactions? Was the rumour a ploy to try and 'out' me?
“But don't get too close to him,” Diane suggested. “He might try and kiss you too. He's got a reputation now and you don't want to be his next victim, do you Dominic?”
She laughed to herself as he left.
Maybe she didn't suspect I was gay after all.
Once she was out of reach, I thought to myself I fucking hope I'm his next victim. It could happen anywhere as far as I was concerned in that moment; the fitting room, the canteen or on top of the till point with customers all around; Me and Freddie making sweet love. My thoughts were very deep and slushy and I couldn't help but wonder whether one kiss with him would take all the years of pain away and we could become boyfriend and boyfriend.
The bus finally arrived and I showed the driver my weekly pass. He feigned a smile and signalled for me to sit down. My stomach was churning now. I had been thinking about Freddie a lot for a while now. Going through the rumour in my head again made me want to blurt something out as soon as I saw him. Something corny and cringey like 'you're gay and I'm gay, so let's be gay together' would suit me down to the ground. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed someone familiar walking towards me.
“Alright, Dominic. How's it going? I've not seen you for years.”
It was my mate, Cole, from school and I hadn't seen him since I left.
He looked good in his sporty t-shirt, track suit bottoms and white trainers. He certainly look fitter than I remember him with nice stubble and toned arms.
“Alright, Cole. It's been awhile. What have you been up to?”
“Oh nothing much, mate. I'm working at B&Q down the road still. And I'm still with Melanie. We live together now in a house about ten minutes away. I don't drive, that's why I've had to get the bus into town. I need to pick up some stuff for my little girl.”
“Oh, that's excellent news. How old is she? And how long have you and Melanie been together now?
“It's six years now. We hooked up soon after we all left school. And my girl, Elizabeth, is two now. So where are you working now, Dom?”
“A place in town that sells men's, women's and kids clothes.”
“Cool, mate. Have you got a girlfriend, Dom?
“No, mate!” I snapped at him.
Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice.
I am sick to the back teeth of people asking me this question. It always annoys me; reminding me that I don't have one or, more to the point, that I don't have a boyfriend.
“Nothing serious,” I said. “I have a few girls on the go but I don't want to settle down into an old married couple like you and Melanie, do I?”
If I'm going to lie, I might as well jazz it up I thought.
Cole gave me a nod before realising he needed to get off at the next stop.
“I'll catch you again some time mate,” he muttered as he left.
I secretly hoped I would never see him again. He was pleasant, just like in the past, but I despised the questions about girls. The quick chat did help take my mind off Freddie for a moment though. But now it was all flooding back as I gazed out of the window.
We soon passed my old college and I wondered what my best mate Tom was up to. We first met at that college four years ago but have lost touch a bit since then. He's got a girlfriend and a baby on the way so they're bound to come first.
I missed Tom though. We used to spend practically every day together when we were at college. We were in many of the same classes and sat next to each other all the time plus we always spent lunch together when we both were in and plenty of our free time as well. We also had the same part-time job. We were like two peas in a pod for a good few years. I really missed that come to think of it.
I soon noticed a familiar row of shops out the window indicating it was almost time to get off the bus. I glanced at my watch and worked out I was due to start work in precisely eighteen minutes. I knew that by the time I got off the bus and walked to work, I would have just enough time to put my things away in my locker then head to the shop floor ready to begin another eight-hour shift. There wouldn't be enough time to talk to Freddie before work began. I would have to catch him for a chat during work.
I was confused about what to say as I began my shift. I was already annoyed when I realised Freddie was working on the other floor to me. I wasn't going to see him unless we happened to be on the same lunch. I tried to rectify the problem by talking to my line manager within the first hour.
“Hi, any chance I can work on Menswear today?” I asked my line manager casually when she came by the till.
That would mean a full day of being near Freddie.
“No can do, Dominic,” she told me matter-of-factly. I know you blokes don't like working on Women's but we're short staffed so you're going to have to stay here I'm afraid.”
She mustn't have understood that something more important than women's clothes and the customers were on my mind today. I would have to think of an excuse to go up to Menswear.
I spotted an opportunity shortly after.
“Alice, can you cover me on the till for a few minutes please, ” I asked her. “I need to sort something out. I'll be as quick as I can. Thank you.”
Before she could answer, I was already walking away.
She had no choice but to put the clothes in her hands down and take my place on the till point.
I noted I was rushing a bit on the escalator. I felt a bit of sweat on my forehead and tried to hide it using the my left forearm. I was as nervous as hell and my heart was racing quicker and quicker.
I saw Freddie in the distance as I reached the top of the escalator. He was helping a man with what appeared to be shirt sizes. He looked so damn handsome; even more so than I could remember in my mind. He looked trim and healthy in his red t-shirt, blue jeans and red trainers. I liked that he dressed similar to me and was not too dissimilar to me in height and weight; maybe we could share clothes in the future I couldn't help but think.
He seemed to be enjoying chatting with the man.
As the customer grabbed a plain blue shirt from the rack, Freddie caught my eye and I gave him a wild, goofy smile.
But he didn't seem to react; like he hadn't even seen me.
I headed towards him and hovered around some men's jeans whilst he finished helping the customer. It seemed like forever for the customer to go away but it mustn't have been more than a minute. The sweating had gotten worse and it must have been noticeable.
“Do you want to go for a drink after work, mate?” I hurriedly asked Freddie.
It was all I could get out of my body.
But then I rambled on incoherently. “It doesn't matter if you can't. I mean I was just wondering if you were free and wanted to go for a drink. I mean I'm not up to much later, that's all. I thought we could go for a beer.”
“I can't tonight,” Freddie responded after a long awkward pause.
“OK. How come you can't?” I asked.
He looked annoyed at me for asking for an explanation.
“Because Me, Malcolm and a couple of the girls are off to the cinema.”
I felt a sudden pain in my stomach. I didn't know what else to say.
“Oh, right. Have fun then.”
I stood like an idiot waiting for an invite that never came.
After what seemed like an eternity, but no more than a few seconds, he just turned away from me and busied himself with work.
I was visibly upset as I sulked off, slowly heading back down from the escalator with absolutely no enthusiasm in my bones.
All that kept going through my mind the next few hours was 'why was Freddie off with me'. He had made other plans without including me. Even when I knew about the plans, he didn't invite me. He didn't even seemed pleased to see me. Rage was burning me inside. I just wanted to get out of this hell hole and hide away from the world.