Atlai’s Fear
Every time Atlai felt this emptiness inside him, he was almost positive he would remain that way forever. But the single thought always pierced its way though, dragging him back to life. It was the thought of Nathifa and others close to him that was stronger than the endless fear washing all his feelings away, leaving his soul and mind hollow. And the tiredness that followed was from the understanding that the horror of his childhood dream and the loss of his family would stay inside, following him no matter where he lived, no matter how he lived.
But soon enough more positive thoughts took over, reminding him how happy everyone would be to see him, how they would come out to greet him and that there would be a small celebration for the safe journey he and his friends had. There would be only family and close friends. He would be telling them about the trip, what’s new in the world. Of course he would leave the part of an attack out of the story. He always did. There was no need to spoil the celebration.
These thoughts made him happy. It worked all the time, sending the horrible recollection of his childhood to the back of his head. It would be unfair to say that Atlai forgot his parents and sisters completely, but his memory of them faded into the background, as if it was so long ago that he couldn’t picture their faces. And only on those rare occasions when he was forced into violence and destruction their dead faces became vividly clear.
Atlai forgot the time when they have constantly been on his mind. He forgot how it was to live a life of absolute apathy. Forgot how it was to float in the dead waters of the endless ocean, with not even a single presence of life. His first clear memory began from the moment he woke up in the mill ten years ago. He still remembered it as if it was yesterday.
He was covered with dirt, unable to tell what happened exactly, only a blurred memory of digging a hole remained in his mind. It didn’t concern him though, because for some unexplained reason he was happy.
That’s when the man, whom he remembered vaguely as well, walked in. Aware that he was the owner of this place and his name was Farid, Atlai for the life of him couldn’t remember where he knew this man from or what he was doing in his mill and how he knew this was a mill in the first place. The man was upset and nervous. He had something on his mind, Atlai could sense it straight away.
Farid walked over to him, stood there for a while, looking into his eyes and then suddenly grubbed Atlai pressing him against himself in embrace. Atlai couldn’t understand what was going on, but didn’t object as he felt connected to this man and the warm feeling of having a friend made him even happier.
When Farid released him, Atlai saw that he was smiling and what seemed like for the first time he heard his voice.
"I’m sorry I didn’t come over straight away, but I was so afraid to leave them. They’re better now but yesterday they were too scared to stay alone."
He was silent for a moment, then his smile was replaced with a grimace of hatred and anger. He lowered his head and said:
"I don’t know where those men came from and although I have an idea of what they were after, I must admit I don’t remember much about what happened. But I do know that I shudder to think what those men would have done if it weren’t for you."
He raised his head and looked into Atlai’s eyes "I don’t want to ask what you’ve done to them or how is that possible that a boy of your age could overpower six killers. It’s not my place to do that. I’m just grateful to God for sending you to us."
Farid fell quiet again. It seemed like he was gathering his thoughts "I’ll try to say what I want and please forgive me if I’ll say something wrong. You know I’ve always been concerned about you and cared for you, but it was mostly out of pity. This time it’s different. I’m in debt to you with my life, more than my life." He waited for a second and then continued "I don’t know what happened to your family and I’m not trying to replace them." Farid stopped, looking confused "I don’t know what I’m saying. Look Atlai, you’re not alone any more, I’m your friend, your future is my future and mine is yours. Do you understand?"
Atlai smiled and responded in a clear voice "Yes. I think I do."
Farid’s reaction to his response was almost laughable. He looked as if he heard a horse talking back at him. He stood like that for some time and Atlai started to wonder if he’s going to talk at all when Farid grubbed and hugged him again, this time much harder. Atlai heard Farid’s voice in his left ear "Finally. It’s sure good to hear you boy. It’s sure good to see you smile."
Two girls appeared in the door way. The older one was crying, but it was the younger one that captured his eyes. He remembered her face clearly, which was strange considering he didn’t remember much of anything else. In fact the memory of the girl’s face was the only real memory he had. And the weird thing about it was that although he knew her name he did not know anything about her. It was as if he remembered seeing her image guiding him out of dark horrible place, the memory of which was also vague to him. Looking at her smiling young, innocently beautiful face made him feel reborn, like he escaped the grip of death or something even worse.
He could still recall the feeling he had that day. He didn’t like to hold on to it too long though. Because for some reason if he thought about it for too long the fear of what would happen to him if he lost Nathifa was starting to creep up on him. This fear progressed to its worst about three years ago. It was then he realized that Nathifa stopped being a girl who had a strange yet strong connection with him and suddenly became the only woman he could picture himself with. At that instant the whole world started to revolve around the idea of what Nathifa thought, what Nathifa did and whether it would be good for her, whether she would like it. Lots of times he was embarrassed about seeing things in such a foolish perspective, but could hardly help it.
All this time he wished he could tell her how he felt. Hundred times a day he was catching himself at the thought of asking her to be his wife. But too many things were in the way, too many excuses. It was either her age or his job or something else, but Alai always had been able to find a reason to wait. However, the truth was Nathifa was old enough already and he certainly could have had another job. And although he was good at what he did, it wasn’t the right line of work for a family man - too dangerous. But he could change it, open his own business perhaps, Farid would be more than happy to help him get started. He had been pestering Atlai to quit for far too long now, saying the life of the hauler was a life of risk (if he only knew how many times Atlai and his companions were under a grave danger, he would probably get so angry with him, Atlai wouldn’t have a choice but to quit).
So his work wasn’t good enough reason either and it wasn’t like he had no place to bring a wife to. He built his own house when he turned eighteen (Farid was very unhappy about it, he didn’t like the idea of Atlai living by himself, but somehow Atlai didn’t feel right living in Farid’s house or in the mill for that matter).
All these excuses weren’t the real reason. The real reason was simple, he was scared. Scared of being rejected and having his hopes crushed. More than that really, because if Nathifa was to reject him he wouldn’t be able to show his face at Farid’s house any more. But that wasn’t his biggest fear, what he was afraid of the most, was