Chapter Thirty-Three
Moses mumbled and rolled over, groping for his wife’s warmth.
Rose leaned over him smiling and said softly, “I’ll be back soon.”
Moses cracked open his eyes and took in her dressed condition. He sat up quickly. “What time is it?” The cabin was still swathed in dark shadows. “Where are you going?” His voice quickened with concern. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything is fine,” she assured him. “I just need some time to think before a new year starts.” Rose had been hoping Moses wouldn’t wake up until she had returned, because she didn’t know how to explain her sudden, deep need to be alone.
Moses looked at her closely and nodded. “You’re going looking for answers.” He smiled. “I hope you find them.” He lay back down under the warm covers. “I’m happy right here. I’ll be waiting for you.”
Rose leaned down to kiss him one more time and slipped out into the frigid morning. The sun was still hiding far beneath the horizon, but its glow was already kissing the morning sky. She pulled her cloak tightly around her shoulders and hurried down the road leading to the river. When she found the small path to the water’s edge, she pulled up her dress and eased her way carefully, aware a misstep in the dark could send her tumbling into the icy waters. Below her was the large granite boulder she was seeking. She jumped and breathed a sigh of relief when the sturdy rock held her. Eddies of swirling water surrounded her, but she was secure. She drew her knees to her chest and fixed her eyes on the eastern sky.
January 1, 1861 marched into the world with a glory that took her breath away. Great banks of fleecy, cumulous clouds absorbed the morning rays of the sun and exploded into a glorious pageantry of color and light. Radiant shafts pierced the clouds and sent probing fingers of light shooting into the early morning indigo sky. The wind, blowing briskly just moments before, completely abated, leaving the James a glassy mirror to reflect the panorama unfolding above.
Rose caught her breath at the sheer beauty embracing her. “Thank you,” she whispered. Leaning back, she allowed the glory of the morning to penetrate her heart and mind as she watched God usher in a new year.
Rose had come looking for answers. Or maybe just to ask questions. Her life was so full, so rich. Why wasn’t she satisfied? Why did her dreams and longings still eat at her, demanding attention? She was so happy with Moses. She and her daddy had spent long hours together catching up on the years that had been stolen from them. Watching her mama’s joy gave her a deep contentment of her own. Still, her heart was restless.
“Am I free to go now, God?” she whispered. “Can Moses and I leave Cromwell to start a life of our own?” Moses supported her dream to go to school and become a teacher. He had listened to her talk for hours about teaching Negro children to become all they could by showing them how to break the bonds of tyranny that had held not only their bodies, but their hearts and minds as well. He wanted her to be a teacher and was willing to do whatever it took for her to become one.
Was it indeed time to go? Her mama wouldn’t be alone any more. Her daddy was here to stay. The thought of leaving her mama made her heart ache, but the frustration of merely longing for her dreams was eating at her, too. She frowned, thinking of all the children she would leave behind her here. Carrie had allowed her to turn one of the barns into a school. For three hours every day she was teaching the Cromwell children to read and write. Daily, she watched them blossom under the wonder of learning. Could she leave them behind? Wasn’t she already a teacher? Why was there such a burning to go north and go to school?
Rose already knew the answer. She, too, wanted to become all she could be. There was so much she wanted to learn. So much she wanted to know about things that were nothing more than mysteries to her now. Her heart was hungry for knowledge. She stared into the morning sky and allowed her frustrations to explode from her in a mighty sigh as the brilliance of the sun drove back the colors and painted the sky a vivid blue. “Aren’t I ever going to do anything but ask questions, God? Will I ever get answers?”
Slowly, words her mama had said many times floated gently into her mind. Askin’ questions keeps you comin’ to God, Rose girl. You can rest sure he done got all the answers. You can also rest sure he ain’t gonna tell you till you need to know. He don’t mind the askin’ though. As long as we’re askin’ that means there be somethin’ in us that still believes he gonna tell us one day. And he will, Rose girl. When the time be right, he gonna answer all dem questions…If we done knew all the answers, there wouldn’t be no need to trust God. Wouldn’t be no need to get to know him. And that, Rose girl would be the tragedy. Knowin’ all the answers without knowing God... Why, knowin’ ‘em that way wouldn’t mean nothin’!
Rose hadn’t understood her mama back then. Now she did. She lowered her eyes to stare into the glassy water spread before her and bowed her head. “I trust you, God. You’ve brought me this far. Please keep me going in the direction you want me to go. I don’t want to choose my own way and end up somewhere I’m not supposed to be.” She closed her eyes and lay back, listening to the water lapping against her rock.
The lapping sound faded away and a picture rose in her mind—a picture so clear it was as if she could reach out and touch it. She was walking briskly down a city street, her arms full of papers and books. People, both black and white, smiled and nodded to her as she hurried along. Soon she came to a simple white building, with a small covered porch for its entrance. She stepped inside and was immediately welcomed by a room full of young, shining, black faces. They reached into their desks as soon as they saw her, and pulled out stacks of paper and books, plenty enough for everyone. Then they turned to face her as she moved to the front of the room and took her place behind a massive oak desk.
“Good morning, Miss Rose,” they said in unison.
“Good morning, class,” she responded cheerfully.
A fish slapping against the water broke her from the vision, but not before a voice sounded clearly in her mind.
One year, Rose. You will be free... In one year…
Rose was breathing hard as she bolted straight up and stared out at the water. Had she been dreaming? She shook her head, remembering every detail of what she had seen. The voice still rang in her head, every vibration whispering it was true. But it was the peace more than anything that told her it was not just her imagination. The peace stole into her heart and stilled the restlessness. The peace consumed the questions and left her only with a determination to make the most of the next year.
“One year,” she whispered in awe. “One year.” Suddenly, she had to be with Moses. She had to tell him what she had seen—what she had heard. She jumped from her rock, climbed the bank, and walked rapidly down the road leading back to the quarters.
Sarah rolled over and looked at John. Then she gazed toward the bed of ashes banking the fire. Normally John would already have the fire roaring by this time of the morning. Sarah smiled and got out from under her blankets. After doing it herself for so many years, it certainly hadn’t taken her long to become spoiled. No matter, when John woke up this morning it was going to be to a warm cabin. Sarah stirred the ashes until live coals lit the tinder she held out to them. In only a few minutes she had hungry flames licking at the armloads of wood she dumped into the fireplace. Humming softly, she turned to stir up some cornbread for breakfast.
She smiled at John’s sleeping form and felt a vague uneasiness. She stood quietly and watched him. With a deep knowing that caused her hands to tremble and her heart to pound, she stood there staring at him, willing him to wake up.
Rose was striding up the path when she saw the smoke rising from her mama and daddy’s cabin. She was in a hurry to get home to Moses, but something made her break stride and turn toward the tiny cabin. When a knock on the door produced nothing, she frowned and turned away. A slight sound caused her to turn back and stare at the door.
“Rose girl?”
The voice was so low Rose wasn’t sure if she heard it or imagined it. It was enough to make her push the cabin door open. She stepped inside and stopped in confusion. Her mama stood still as a statue beside the table, her hands covered with cornmeal, staring toward the bed where her husband lay. Rose turned to look at her daddy. He was sleeping peacefully, just his face showing above the blankets. “Mama? What’s wrong, Mama?”
Sarah stared at the bed. Slowly, she began shaking her head as if trying to force herself to accept what she could not bear to. “John.” Her voice was a whisper, but somehow that single word spoke a lifetime of loving.
“Daddy?” Rose had a sudden urge to run from the cabin. Instead, she stepped over and forced herself to put her hand out and touch her father. “Daddy!” she cried, collapsing beside the bed with wracking sobs.
Sarah wrapped her arms around her daughter’s shaking shoulders and gently stroked her head.
Moses found them that way when he entered the cabin not long after.
Sarah looked up at him. “Rose be needin’ you now, Moses.” She stepped back and allowed Moses to take Rose into his arms.
“How long?” he asked.
Sarah shook her head. “The Lord done took him sometime in the night. When I woke up, he was already gone.”
Rose pulled back from Moses’ embrace. “But why?” she cried. “Why would God take him? We just got him back! We just got him back...” Her voice trailed off in a confused whimper.
“Yes,” Sarah said. “We got him back. That’s the important thin’. All those years, I just prayed God would let me see him again. I never did say for how long. This last few weeks been like heaven to me. We done did a lot of loving these last few weeks.”
Rose stared at her. “But aren’t you angry, Mama?”
Sarah smiled. “Angry? I’ll miss my John, sho ‘nuff, but it ain’t gonna be eighteen years before I see him again. I reckon it won’t be long now ‘fore there won’t be nothin’ to keep us apart.” She walked over and laid her hand on Rose’s head. “God gave us a special gift, Rose. We could have lived our whole life and never seen him again. We done got a real special gift.”
Rose tried to hear her mama. She tried to find solace in the fact that her daddy had been restored to her for three glorious weeks. She closed her eyes and remembered the long walks they had taken and the long talks they had shared. Tears continued to roll down her face, but slowly her mama’s peace filtered into her own heart.
Rose’s daddy was laid to rest in a shallow grave carved out of the frozen ground. It was four days later before Rose thought to tell Moses about her dream, or vision, or whatever it was down on the rocks.
Cradled in Moses’ arms, Rose stared into the flickering flames of the fire. “One year, Moses. The voice said we would be free in a year.” Once again she felt the awe she had experienced that morning on the rock. Suddenly, she realized Moses was frowning. “What’s wrong, Moses?”
He spoke reluctantly, “What about your mama?”
“Mama!” Rose gasped as the meaning of Moses’ question hit her heart. She had sworn never to leave her mama. With her daddy gone, she was once again all her mama had. She shook her head. “I don’t know, Moses. I don’t know… I’m just telling you what I heard.”
Neither one spoke for a long time as they stared into the flames and pondered what the coming year would bring.