— Chapter Eleven —
“Seven days, that’s 168 hours, 10080 minutes.”
Tina Turner started belting out ‘Simply the best,’
“168 hours…” repeated Stu.
“Yes, alright matey, we know, now shut up and watch the show.” said an irritated Spock.
“But Spock, we only have a week left.” said an anxious Stu.
The dancers came on stage and Stu shut up and watched. The first performer out, dressed in a sexy Tina Turner Basque and a large wig started to mime to, simply the best. She strutted about the stage like the real Tina, but Thai version. Then, four scantily clad back-up dancers came out from behind the stage and joined ‘Tina’ in perfect sync. They all mimed along to the queen of pop. ‘Tina’ wound up for the big finish, her attractive back up dancers, whipped off their bikini tops revealing their breasts, perfect, round and well proportioned. The crowds around the stage cheered and whistled.
“Nice tits,” mumbled Spock.
“Yeah, pity they are all blokes,” said Nick, who picked up his drink with his good hand, the one that wasn’t in a plaster cast, finished the last drop, and asked.
“Three more, lads?”
Nick had broken his arm in his tumble out of the window. He was taken to a hospital and x-rayed, which revealed a small crack in his left Ulna, the smaller of the two bones in the forearm, and a few bumps and bruises. They wanted to keep him overnight, but when he found out how much it would cost, he demanded to be put in a plaster cast and released. He was told to return before he returned home to the U.K and get the plaster split, prior to his flight, and then to have it removed in England six weeks later. That was five days ago.
He had now forgiven Spock, who hadn’t even realised that he had bumped the door into him, which resulted in him falling out of the window, but when Nick told him what had happened, he grovelled and begged forgiveness. Nick, of course, played on this, even though he knew he was partly responsible because he never locked his door. However, he always did now.
Nick was happy, he had phoned Luanne while he was at the hospital, and she’d agreed to visit him. Stu and Spock had gone to the hospital and stayed with him throughout the day and forced to listen to him grumble and whinge.
His mood changed when he arrived back at the hotel after being discharged. Luanne was in the reception with Dao and Moo. Nicks whinging stopped and he started to hobble and pulled pathetic pained expressions. Luanne came over and asked if he was OK, and started fussing around him like an old mother hen and then they disappeared up to his room. Luanne had dumped her present boyfriend when Nick had called her.
The poor man, a middle-aged Englishman, who had been saving up for months, often at times with difficulty, due to having to send Luanne money because her baby was sick. She told him that she needed 10,000 Baht a month, which he gladly sent the love of his life. When the Englishman arrived, Luanne had been waiting at his hotel, she hugged and kissed him and he was as happy as a sandboy. They went to bed and made love, twice. He had not seen his love for many months and he was never unfaithful in England. He never went anywhere, mainly because he had no money to go out with after paying Luanne. Luanne had told him that she never went anywhere, just stayed at home with her sick baby, and had just arrived back from Udon Thani, North East Thailand, that morning to see him, she professed her undying loved him and told him that she didn’t care about his money. This was, of course, a load of old bollocks, but it was the Thai way and, although many men fall for this, nobody ever really gets hurt, a few broken hearts, but these are soon mended in this carefree land. They made plans for his two-week stay when Nick phoned. Luanne rushed into the bathroom with the phone and told Nick not to call her. Then Nick pleaded with her and claimed he was on his death bed, and the doctors’ gave him only days left to live and he was in desperate need of her. She weighed up her options. 10,000 Baht a month, or Nick. Nick was a Pattaya-wise foreigner, and knew that he’d been bullshitting her, she also knew he wouldn’t give her any money.
However, she also knew this new man to be a stupid foreigner who would believe anything, so she could do as she pleased. She had known Nick for a long time, she liked the ‘cheap Charlie,’ and maybe he would pay her something this time. She walked back into the room to where the Englishman was laid on the bed.
“Is everything okay darling?” he enquired.
“No,” she sobbed. “My mama call to me, my baby is very sick, I have to go home, I will call you later.”
She picked up her handbag and left for the ‘Siam Sawasdee’ hotel, leaving the poor Englishman to wonder what had happened. He thought he would give her some more money when she contacted him.
Now getting late, Stu, Spock, and the girls went for something to eat. The lads had been with Nick at the hospital all day, much to the annoyance of Stu.
“You pushed the idiot out of the window, you stay.”
Spock pleaded,
“You’re my mate, and I would for you.”
The guilt trip worked and the two had stomped around the hospital all day listening to Nick droning on about, how much it would cost, how much his arm hurt, and how it was all Spocks fault.
The next morning Stu and Spock decided to hire a motorbike and discover what else was to see around the eastern seaboard. They decided to try the Tiger Zoo at Sri Racha, about 40 minutes from Pattaya. They each set off on their Honda CBR 400cc, with Dao navigating on the back of Stu’s machine. They headed off on the Bangkok Road to the Zoo. The bikes were fast, ‘like shit off a shovel’, and they soon reached the Tiger Zoo which was so vast, they had to drive around it. The animals were kept in large open enclosure and looked contented.
The lads felt uncomfortable. The bikes engines were hot and positioned in the wrong place. They stopped at a small cafe and, while they ate ice cream, they packed their now roasting testicles with bags of ice. They now understood what a boil-in-the-bag fish felt like from the fish’s point of view. The zoo was busy, but the cafe where they sat was deserted and people seemed to be avoiding that area, which puzzled all four of them. The waitress in the cafe spoke to the two girls who looked up.
“What did she say?” Spock asked Moo.
“Kookie Ling,” replied Moo, she, and Dao moved away.
“What?” said Stu?
The two girls started talking amongst themselves about the English translation. There was no need, as a large liquefied brown blob landed on Stu’s half-finished ice cream. The two lads looked up and saw three or four monkeys that scurried around on wires in trees above their heads.
“Monkey shit!” shouted Moo.
The group arrived back at the hotel in the early evening. They decided that the following day they would try the ‘Million Year Stone Park and Crocodile Farm’, which they would get to by taxi.
They returned the bikes and spent that evening in Spock’s room playing dominoes, which they had bought earlier, along with two bottles of Samsong whiskey, some orange juice for Dao, and two bags of ice for their still throbbing, swollen and well cooked bollocks.
Million Year Stone Park is the largest crocodile farm in Thailand. It had a stone that has been carbon dated to be over a million years old. There is a large pond that contained giant catfish and several tiger and bear enclosures. However, the main attractions are the crocodiles. There were thousands of beady eyes, peeping out from an enormous lake. The four watched a show, were a Thai man puts his head in a large crocodile’s mouth and doing, what by most would be considered suicidal, stunts. Stu, Spock Moo and Dao had their photographs taken sat on a croc, which eyed a rather nervous Spock up and down. The trainer had to remove the crocodile, as big Spock had told him that if it moved again, he would be going home with fresh crocodile skin shoes. The croc must have understood this and shot off around the arena with an angry Thai in hot pursuit. They then went to a small restaurant, next to the show arena, and order four crocodile steaks.
“And make it snappy,” added Spock.
Stu groaned at his pathetic attempt at humour but Spock didn’t care. He had seen a good show, and now eating the cast.
Over the next few days Nick had started to feel better, so they all went to a small island, about a 40 minute ferry ride from Pattaya called, Koh Larn. They caught the ten o’clock ferry. Nick was happy as it only cost 20 Baht. They had a few beers on the chugging old ferry, and arrived at the Koh Larn jetty, forty-odd minutes later. There was no beach were they docked, so they went and asked at the restaurant/resort, on the jetty opposite. There they met the proprietor an Englishman called ‘one eye Steve,’ due to the fact he only had one eye, and his loud, slightly crazy wife, ‘Non’ He directed the lads to one of the four beaches, and said he would see them on their return. They hired a Baht bus for the day and went to Samae Beach. It was hot and sticky on the beach and they all put on sun block, same factor as red lead. They frolicked on the beach and Stu dragged a giggling Dao into the sea.
“I’m going in for an aqua shag,” he proudly boasted, followed by Spock and Moo who was soon up to her shoulders in the water, which had only covered Spock’s waist.
Stu had Daos legs around his waist. He slid his hand between her legs and slipped her bikini to one side, she tugged at the front of his shorts releasing the animal from its slumber. He pressed himself forward entering a willing, and now familiar, moist world. He slowly kissed her. They then heard rapid high-pitched, unfamiliar speech directly behind him. Dao looked over Stu’s shoulder and pulled herself closer and stood still, with Stu still inside her. A black rubber ring floated by the couple, with three young children and one old Japanese woman, who happily chatted and just drifted along and looked at the couple engaging in their nuptials. The annoying Japanese drifted around between both the couples, much to the annoyance of a frustrated Stu and Spock. The two girls chuckled as the two lads enquired as to whether the floating Japanese enjoyed sex and travel.
“Fuck off.”
The Japanese just smiled, nodded, and continued to float around and chatter for 10 minutes, by which time the lads ardour had worn off. They straightened themselves up, got out of the water grumbling, and went over to a laughing Nick and Luanne who had been watching the drama from their beach chairs.
They all decided to stay the night and went to one-eyed Steve’s to book a room. They ate and sat on deck chairs on the pier of the restaurant. After six o’clock, the island became deserted as the last ferry departed. Nick mentioned that his arm was sore and he went to bed with Luanne, leaving Stu, Dao, Spock, Moo and one-eyed-Steve to sit and talk. Steve suggested they went to watch the sunset at the small beach that was only five minutes away, they thought this a good idea, so ordered two motorbike taxis and went to a small deserted beach. They sat down camera in hand and waited.
The sunset and view was breathtaking, they could see the tall towers and outlines of Pattaya clearly against the backdrop of the horizon. The sky blazed a golden glow and then turned into a fiery blood red along the horizon as the sun slowly made its nightly descent as the darkness drifted down to meet it. There were a few midnight blue clouds that just ambled along, with it seemed, no particular place to go and no particular rush to get there. The darkness had won its nightly battle and the sun withdrew completely and left a dark starry sky. The odd light grey-blue patch remained, which made the sky appear like a dark, cobalt blue quilt. The lights from Pattaya lit up the horizon, as nature’s spectacle took their breath away.
The unlit beach was in darkness, apart from the odd glow of a star making a late appearance and after about 10 minutes, Spock let out a long sigh, followed moments later by Stu.
“What an awesome place,” said Stu
“Yeah,” agreed Spock in a Philly mood. Moo coughed and swallowed hard, Dao coughed and spat several times. A relaxed Spock looked over to the dark shadowy figure of Stu.
“Dao, doesn’t swallow then mate?”
They all returned to one-eyed-Steve’s, the girls went to their rooms for a Listerine gargle and sleep; the lads went to the restaurant. Steve and Non sat at the small jetty that overhung the ocean.
One-eyed-Steve had lived with his wife, ‘Non’ on the island for four years.
His restaurant and rooms was on a pier, directly opposite the jetty where the ferry stopped. They had five rooms, plus a large snooker hall. The pier was T-shaped, with the restaurant being at the top. It was a large open restaurant with just a roof supported by beams and surrounded by the sea. It had a small bar in the centre and 20 tables around it. There was also an extra-uncovered overhang at the front, approximately 20 meters long by five meters wide, there you could fish or just sit and relax.
Spock and Stu ordered a beer and joined the couple. A few hours later they were all spannered, the four sat around a table. Stu enquired about how Steve had lost his eye, Steve explained he was drunk and fell off his motorbike.
“That’s nothing,” he said, “look at this,” and pointed to a large scar on his shoulder. “That’s where I fell off the pier,” he said pointing to the spot. Things then started to get surreal, like the scene in jaws when Hooper and Quint started comparing scars.
“Take a look at this one.”
“Oh, that’s nothing. I got that beat.”
This went on for what seemed like hours. Stu and Spock thought they were there to judge who had the best scar between Steve and his wife. Every time one of them showed a scar, they explained the story behind it; they would then point to the spot where it happened. Always at the restaurant and always spannered, which probably explained why they never had any customers staying the night. Stu recollected the time he’d spent in the Royal Navy, when he had visited HMS Victory, Nelsons flagship, were a brass plaque was placed on the quarterdeck, which read: Nelson fell here: Stu had thought, ‘if these two had a plaque every time they had an accident, the floor would be worth a fortune in brass’. Spock just thought, ‘I know someone sleeping in one of the rooms who is also a walking calamity.’ Nicks ears must have been burning.
One-eye-Steve and his wife Non, who were now quite shitfaced, ran out of scars to show, and looked to Stu and Spock to announce a winner. Stu mentioned that although Non had some impressive scars, the majority had come from the same place, a hole in the kitchen floor, which went straight into the ocean, or onto rocks when the tide was out. Non’s exit from the restaurant was therefore not as ambitious as Steve’s, so Steve had, in their opinion won. Non wasn’t very happy about this and stormed off to bed. Stu and Spock thought this light-hearted banter was turning serious and imagined being murdered in their sleep. They staggered back to their rooms and went to sleep.
The next morning they awoke and went for breakfast, they followed the girls to the restaurant, Non smiled and shouted.
“Good morning,”
Their heads throbbed from the night before, but not as much as Steve’s shins. When they approached him they noticed large scratches and dried blood. He had sealed his victory. He’d fallen down the hole in the kitchen floor while he made himself a late night snack.
“Not too bad, the tide was only just out,” he said.
They all had another day on the beach just relaxing and drinking, it was idyllic; they decided to try another island tour in the next few days, but to a different island, as they didn’t consider that this one didn’t feel safe.
They caught the six pm ferry back to Pattaya and had a quiet night playing dominoes. Stu and Spock had paid the bar fine for Moo and Dao until 24 December. That way they didn’t have to go to happy world bar every night and, the girls could go and see Stu and Spock off at Bangkok airport when they left to go home. Charlie was happy, but didn’t like the thought of his two big drinkers being loose in Pattaya, and some other bar taking his Bahts. Dao and Moo felt ecstatic as they were having a great time and would have wages at the end.
Bar fines, are paid to every bar by customers who take girls out of a bar. The fine is usually about 200Baht per day. It is a system used at every bar in Thailand. The staff and bargirls receive a small percentage of this fine, and a percentage from drinks bought them. Most bars also pay a small basic wage and, the girls negotiate with their customers how much they want to pay for them to spend the night with them. However, most of the new girls want a steady boyfriend and happy with the man only paying the bar fine. They know that if they are taken long time, especially by the new and unwise foreigners, that there is every chance that they will be taken care of for a long time. So money is rarely mentioned, they are, in the eyes and the customers, a girlfriend. This stage if a man takes them, it will usually end in marriage.
Now, with only one week left for Spock and Stu, the lads decided to have a ‘boy’s only’ night out. They left the girls in Spock’s room to watch T.V and compare notes and trophies. Dao now had a mobile phone courtesy of Stu and the already telephone-owning Moo, now had a gold bracelet, courtesy of Spock. Luanne said nothing, she had worked Pattaya and the bars for two years, and had thrown away, or given away more trophies than the two newcomers owned put together, besides Nick never gave her anything. Luanne smiled at the two happy girls.
“Don’t worry ladies,” she said, “there is more to come.”
The lads had gone out early, the plan was a few drinks and go to watch the Tina Turner ladyboy show for a laugh, they would go back early only juiced. (But the best laid plans of mice and men.) They watched the show and soon became spannered, making their way rapidly to shitfaced, and it was only eight o’clock.
The 'katoeys' ladyboys were all elegantly dressed, it was difficult to tell them apart, from real women, especially when they danced, and mimed Tina Turner, Diana Ross, and Barbara Streisand numbers. They finished their first set and background music started to play. A now shitfaced Spock turned to Nick.
“Where’s the toilet, matey?”
Stu joined in
“Yes, I want to go too,”
Nick pointed to the toilets, situated where the ladyboys now stood chatting, fixing their make-up and adjusting todger position.
Stu looked at Spock and announced
“You have two hopes of me going there, BOB hope and NO hope.”
Spock agreed, and they decided to wet their pants instead. Nick saved this embarrassment and suggested that they could go outside. He pointed to an alleyway a short distance away at the side of the Dolphin hotel and Nick told them that they could have a slash against the side wall of the hotel.
They got off their seats and staggered toward the alley.