— Chapter Three —
The three lads pulled up in a taxi outside the reception of a large hotel. The two-hour journey from Bangkok airport allowed Stu and Spock to take in all the sights. The modern buildings and motorways of the sprawling Bangkok metropolis surprised them. This was not the dirt tracks or wooden huts they’d expected. What a revelation.
Pattaya also had the same effect, as the taxi drove along streets lined with hotels, restaurants, and large shops and, to their relief, McDonalds and KFC.
They checked into the Siam Sawasdsee Hotel. Stu and Spock could not believe the price was only 450 Baht a night, which they calculated to be only seven pounds sterling. They made their way to their rooms located on the third floor.
The large rooms contained a large Queen Size bed, a wardrobe, dressing and bedside tables, large television and a small fridge stocked with beer, soft drinks and bottled water. There was a small en-suite bathroom with a toilet, basin, shower and small hose with a nozzle at the side of the toilet, a sort of portable bidet that fired a strong jet of water up your jaxey ‘Aqueous toilet roll,’ thought Spock.
A patio door led out onto a small balcony and Nick, having the corner room, had a small opening window behind his door. The instruction from Nick was, “quick shit, shower, shave, shampoo and then go out.”
It was past eight o’clock and, although jetlagged from the long journey, Spock and Stu wanted to see the place that was known as ‘Sin City.’
Nick explained that the streets joined or branched off the main roads and known as Sois. Some were numbered and some named. Nick planned to start off in Soi 6.and informed them that this was a ‘short time Soi’.
“Great,” said Stu not knowing what he was talking about. They walked out of the hotel and got on a Baht bus, one of the many small covered pick-up trucks that circled the city’s one-way traffic system. Stu and Spock noticed that on the way to Soi 6 there was bars, loud music, and a lot of people dancing, waving and having a whale of a time.
Soi 6 joined Second Road to the beach road and lined with small and large air-conditioned bars on both sides. Each bar had its windows covered by signs or dark glass making it impossible to see inside. Young, scantily clad women sat in groups outside the bars, chatting and fixing their makeup, like a group of muggers waiting for a victim.
The lads paid the 10 baht bus fare and went into the first bar, which was on the corner of the Soi. The women sitting outside leapt up, surrounded them and dragged them inside, in the nicest possible way.
The inside of the bar was very dimly lit and the lads were shown over to an L-shaped sofa. They sat down and ordered three bottles of Singha beer, the local Thai brew, slightly sweet and with a hint of nut in the flavour, but a lot stronger than most European beers.
The sound of other people in the bar chatting and laughing eased Stu and Spock’s mind. ‘We’re not going to get murdered,’ they thought.
Their beer was fetched over by a young, scantily clad woman, followed by two equally scantily dressed women. One woman sat next to Nick, the other two ladies sat either side of Stu and Spock, who sat close together, like two Catholic nuns at a rugby team party. They had a mortal fear of being stitched up with a katoey, ladyboy. They had heard the stories from their mates at home who had been to Thailand and allegedly had ‘mistakenly’ been hitched up with a katoey.
“Make sure you check their feet size; check for an Adam’s apple; check between their legs, before you go anywhere near any of those girls,” they were advised. This had played on their mind, even more so now that they were actually in the situation, even though Nick tried to reassure them the stories were untrue.
“What a load of bollocks,” he would say.
Still unsure, Stu ignored the two girls and turned to Nick.
“Is this a brothel, mate?”
It amused Nick to observe these Pattaya virgins in action. He remembered his first time here and knew he’d acted the same.
“No mate, not exactly,” he mused. He then leaned over and said something to the lady sitting next to Stu. With a look of annoyance and disbelief, she looked at Stu, stood up and lifted her short skirt to reveal her bare pubic region.
“Me not ladyboy. Me lady. Sure!”
This came as a shock to both Stu and Spock, as flashes of Mary Tate went through both their minds. The woman then spent the next few moments convincing them that she was indeed a woman. Ten minutes later, thoroughly reassured and enjoying their ice-cold beers, Stu turned to face Spock who had a stupid, dopey contented grin on his face.
“What an amazing little place,” he said, looking down between his legs at his naked mid section and approving of the oral dexterity of his temporary, but amenable new friend.
“Yeaah!” replied a chilled out Spock looking down at his own small sack-emptier doing her thing, very expertly, he thought. All memory of Mary Tate had disappeared.
Several beers later, after the girls had finished giving relief to the three grateful lads and had been given their reward for their services, namely 500 Baht and a few glasses of overpriced wine cooler, the lads decided it was time to move on. They paid their bill and, with Nick mumbling about the price of the ladies drinks, strolled out into the hot night. Sacks empty, spinning heads and slightly juiced, they made their way down Soi 6. They ran the gauntlet of women jumping off their seats and screaming at them to come into their bars and informing them that they were sexy men and fondling their now empty sacks and todgers. They resisted further temptation and got on a Baht bus at Beach Road.
“Where next matey?” enquired Spock.
“Soi 8,” Nick replied.
“What’s there?” asked Stu.
“Wait and see,” said Nick. “We don’t sleep alone in Thailand.”
Soi 8 buzzed with life. Music blared out from the many open-air bars with every bar trying to out-volume the others. Only a musical cacophony could be heard, one bar played the Eagles, one bar playing the Scorpions. However, that only contributed to the lively atmosphere of Soi 8. Girls screeched at passing customers to ‘come inside please’. The occasional bell rang at various bars, much to the delight of the women who worked there, as it was the signal that they would be getting a free drink. Lights flashed. Street vendors walked around selling everything from chewing gum to fake watches, and they went from bar to bar, looking for any drunken, gullible foreigner, egged on by the girls to “buy me this darling,” The customer would be promised undying, everlasting love. At least until his money ran out.
The atmosphere of Soi 8 was indescribable. Young men, old men with big beaming smiles sat at the bars playing bar games, connect four, Genga, swallow the sausage. Occasionally a crash of wood was heard as some foreigner had lost, yet again, and he had to buy a drink or ring the bell. An occasional holiday couple walked past, the husband’s head bent down looking at the floor, while his wife’s head glared at her husband to ensure that he wasn’t peeking at the girls. No matter who was there, the tourist was always treated the same, after all, they were paying and the Thai slogan is always ‘money number one.’
The lads positioned themselves at one of Nick’s regular bars. He said hello to Wan, the mamasan, bar manager. He introduced Stu and Spock who could only manage a grunt, as they tried to take in the never before experienced sights and sounds. Wan gave instructions to two women who promptly went to a large freezer and removed two small packages. They went over to Stu and Spock, popped open a ‘pah yen’, cold towel, and proceeded to rub the ice-cold towel over Stu and Spock’s neck and arms. The two lads cooed with satisfaction, as the heat was intense for them, even at night. ‘Never this hot in Cleethorpes’. They weren’t prepared for Thailand’s heat, so the pah-yen provided a welcome relief.
Three bottles of ice-cold beer were placed in front of them along with a small wooden pot containing their bill. Another bill would be added every time they bought a drink. They thankfully took a long slow mouthful of their amber fluid, followed rapidly by several more. They bought drinks for the two girls who had wiped them down and while Nick conversed with the mamasan, the two lads made small talk with their newly acquired companions. Speaking Pidgin English, with the odd Thai phrase thrown in, Spock and Stu listened to Nick who seemed to be speaking the same way with certain Thai phrases repeated. This, they decided, was not difficult to understand, and they could therefore have a limited conversation. Mostly, the women enquired, where they came from, how long they planned to stay and did they have ladies yet? The women seemed to show more interest when the two lads said they did not have ladies. However, they became disappointed when the woman with Spock asked,
“I go with you sexy man?”
Spock towered over the woman but she was still undaunted. Spock, not quite fully grasping what she’d meant replied,
“I don’t think we are leaving yet, love.”
At that point, the woman said something to her friend in a raised voice and they promptly got off their stools and went over to talk to another older foreigner who had been sitting at the opposite side of the bar, much to the merriment of Nick who had been ear wigging in on this exchange.
After the girls buggered off, Spock decided he would do one of his ‘party pieces’ and, as his dentures would not fit in a bottle, it was the ‘flaming arsehole’ that would make its debut. He got off his stool, went to a small wicker armchair, sat down, lifted his legs either side of his waist, took his lighter and held it at his sphincter to await the arrival of its methane fuel. Right on cue a bright blue flame shot out from his anal sphincter followed a second later by a shorter flame. A good result, he thought, a ‘double bubble’.
People at the bar and several others in the nearby vicinity were in uproar, clapping excitedly and asking for one more performance. Spock took a bow and walked back to his stool, laughter still echoing around the area. He had now attracted several more women around him and along with Stu, they looked liked a couple of cats who had gotten the cream.
Nick decided that he could do that and didn’t want these new upstarts to upstage him at his regular drinking hole. He went over to the wicker chair previously occupied by Spock. The bar fell silent as all eyes turned toward Nick. Adopting the same position as Spock, he held a lighter in place, strained his bowels and distorted his facial muscles for extra power, making him appear like a clay gargoyle. He felt the twinges of pressure, and a short blue flame rushed out from his sphincter, which was followed by a yellow fire, which rapidly increased in size around his now burning shorts.
Stu turned and faced Spock.
“Maybe not a good trick to try in nylon shorts,” he stated coolly. They both fell about laughing whilst Nick jumped around like a headless chicken trying to extinguish his shorts, assisted by genuinely concerned bar girls.
After a few minutes, the commotion calmed down, apart from the odd sporadic chortle from Stu and Spock. Nick stood next to them at the bar, with a bag of ice held to his rear end by a small motherly girl. He occasionally winced as the bag moved position to give the woman’s arm a rest.
Several more beers were consumed, and they approached a ‘spannered’ state. Although the tiredness had worn off, the lads thought that they’d had too much excitement for one night and presumed Nick would want to go back to the hotel.
On the contrary and, according to Nick, the night had just got started. The girl who he had sent to buy him replacement shorts at the market, returned a few minutes later. Nick dismissed his Florence Nightingale and announced they were moving on. Nick counted his change and gave the girl a 20 Baht tip, which she gratefully accepted. “That’s not a lot for a tip,” said Stu. The mamasan spoke.
“Nick kee-neow.” (Cheap Charlie).
They paid their bill and Stu and Spock left a 100 Baht tip.
“You’ll learn,” said Nick as they headed off up Soi 8 to join Second Road.
They walked along against the flow of traffic, the city was still alive with merriment and noise, and it seemed every bar was having a party. In fact, the whole city seemed just like one big marvellous party. They bought some food at one of the many barbecue stands en-route, and walked along happily chomping on small bits of sweet pork, onion peppers and green chillies on wooden skewers. They ate sweet banana pancakes, cooked at another street stand and, with food in their stomach, they steadily sobered up, and getting their second wind and having fun, walking among the many sporadic outcrops of bars and having the touts latching onto them, trying to drag them in to have fun.
“Buy one drink, just one please, sexy man,” pleaded the girls, followed by the grabbing of an appendage. It amused Nick and Stu to observe a woman, who weighed approximately eight stones, trying to move a 20 stone Spock.
They arrived at their destination, a small bar amongst several others situated on the ground floor of a row of four-storey buildings. These bars were more subdued than the hectic Soi 8. About ten girls sat behind the bar and another ten sat on stools in front laughing and joking with customers, or playing bar games with their new beaus. The three entered and, although Nick’s sphincter was still throbbing, it had eased enough for him to sit on a barstool. They ordered their beer and Nick introduced Spock and Stu to the bar owner, a middle-aged Thai man known as Charlie. Although not his real name, he thought it sounded more ‘foreigner friendly’. Nick explained they would have a few quiet drinks and then move on to a go-go bar for an hour before the bars officially closed at one o’clock.
“But,” added Charlie with an impish look in his eye, “some bars still stay open after hours.”
Chatting with Charlie, the two newcomers asked many questions. Charlie’s wife came over who, although slightly older than the other women present, the years had been kind to her. Well into her forties, she still had her youthful looks, and they could tell she must have been an absolute stunner in her younger years. ‘I’d shag it,’ thought Stu, now feeling ready for more action.
“Would you like to take a lady to sleep with you tonight?” she asked, looking to the two boys.
“Well,” said Spock, “there’s nothing like being forward.” Spock and Stu giggled nervously.
“We’re okay, thanks,” replied Stu.
The conversation ebbed and Stu started looking around at the previously ignored girls sat around the bar. They all seemed sensibly dressed, some in jeans, blouses, and some wearing dresses. Compared with Soi’s six and eight, these seemed very plain. Stu noticed a girl sitting behind the bar reading a book which looked like a dictionary. She noticed Stu looking and smiled. Then she held up her English/Thai for Beginners book so he could see it. Stu smiled back and she returned to her reading. Stu felt a little awkward but tapped Charlie’s wife on the shoulder.
“What’s that girl’s name?” he stammered.
“Dao,” replied Charlie’s wife smiling. “She is a good lady, and only worked in the bar for 3 weeks. Do you want me to have her come over and sit with you?”
“No, no. I was only asking,” Stu blushed.
“Are you sure?” she asked again.
“Yes, I’m sure, thanks anyway, but I think we leaving ”
Stu took note of the sign behind the bar. ‘HAPPY WORLD BAR’. The lads left the bar, walked down Soi 13, to Beach Road, and jumped onto a Baht bus. Getting off at Walking Street, they walked about a third of the way along until they reached ‘Champion a go-go’.
Passing a small beer bar, among the smiling girls an older but attractive woman shouted.
“Hello” to Nick who boasted, “I’ve done her. Sturdy old tug, but a good shag.”
A sexy young woman dressed in a white thong, small white bra and knee length black boots held the door to Champion open for them.
“Welcome,” she cheerily shrilled. “Would you like some drink?”
The long raised stage had five chrome poles set at its centre at varying distances apart. As Guns and Roses blasted out ‘Sweet Child o’ Mine’, five girls danced and swayed around the poles, occasionally crouching down with legs opening and closing like a goldfish’s mouth. They were all dressed the same as the girl who had opened the door and welcomed them, although some had removed their thongs and had them twirling around in their hands.
After drinking several glasses of draft Singha and watching the acrobatics of the ever-alternating ladies of the pole, they felt renewed vigour in their loins. Nick had explained his routine for taking girls back to the hotel. Pay the bar fine, take the lady to your room, do the business then, in the morning give them 500 Baht, although they will ask for 1,000 Baht, only give them 500.
This was alien to Stu and Spock, but if this was the time old method, then who are they to argue with tradition, and besides, they were horny again. Spock had noticed that Stu did not appear to be his usual cheerful self, although he looked at the chrome pole molesters, his mind seemed to be elsewhere. However, he just put this down to tiredness and hoped that his old mate would be ok tomorrow. Spannered and rapidly moving toward shitfaced, they just burbled on about nothing. Spock occasionally grabbed a passing dancer and played with her breasts, but he did buy her a drink as a reward. The girls didn’t flinch, hoping they might hook him in and get a short time, quick shag, and 1,000 Baht.
They decided that it was time they moved on before the bars closed. They walked into a small bar outside, sat down and ordered more drinks. They seemed to be finishing their drinks a lot quicker and, not being used to the strength of Thai beer, plus the long session, they'd reached ‘wankered’ stage. Spock attempted to speak to the woman ‘Nick had done’ who had now gone from a ‘sturdy old tug’ to a raving beauty in Spock’s drunken mind. Nick drooled over another woman who just seemed to smile and nod. Spock looked up and, when his eyes centred from the spinning room asked.
“Where’s Stu?”
Nick turned his head away from his sodden companion.
“He was here a minute ago. I don’t know.”
They remained concerned for all of ten seconds before resuming their drunken mating rituals. Stu and Spock had each taken a name card from the hotel, and had been given instructions to follow, should they become separated
Spock was the first awake. With a belch and a fart, he rejoined the living and checked his watch. It was three-thirty in the afternoon. He had changed his timepiece to local time, but thought that he could not have slept that long. His watch must be wrong. He tried to recall the events from the night before, but his memory was sketchy, and he remembered nothing after leaving Soi 8. With a raging thirst, he went over to his small fridge, took out a bottle of water and gulped down the cool liquid. He let out another rasping fart, still trying to search his memory. There came a groan from his bed followed by a quilt being tossed off. ‘Oh yes!’ thought Spock, vaguely regaining his faculties’ ‘I remember now!’ He looked at the smiling naked woman laid in his bed.
“Men!”She exclaimed.
Spock, not understanding that this meant ‘bad smell’, thought it meant good morning in Thai, and returned the greeting, much to the confusion of Lek. He’d remembered that this was the ‘sturdy old tug that Nick had previously done, but she now appeared a lot less attractive than she did the previous night. He could not recall having sex, which he thought better off not remembered. He then recollected something about Stu just disappearing. He pulled on his jeans, walked out of his room and banged on the door of the adjacent room.
“Stu! Are you okay mate?”
A mumbled groan came from behind the door.
“Yes, mate. I feel a bit rough though.”
“Me too,” said Spock through the door. “I’m going back to my room. See you later.”
Spock returned to his room, and closed the door. Lek lay naked on the bed and Spock noticed that she had a few stretch marks around the abdomen. Because he could not recall having sex the previous night, he decided that it would be a great shame to allow the twinge, he now felt from his todger, go to waste. He took out his condoms from the bedside table and presented them to Lek. She slid over to the standing Spock and rolled the condom over his manhood. She then placed the wrapped package in her mouth.
Stu was awake, but only just. His head throbbed, and his mouth was as dry as the bottom of a bird-cage and, confused, he looked around and became aware that this wasn’t his house. Where was his shabby wallpaper? Where was chunky? He then came to his senses and remembered where he was, and what he was doing there. He could not however, remember what had happened the previous night. He recalled being in Happy World Bar and then going to a go–go bar, but everything else was just a blank. He checked his watch. It was three thirty-eight, ‘that can’t be right,’ he thought. He then became aware of something in the bed beside him and turned to see a figure huddled under the quilt with their back turned. ‘Oh no!’ he thought, ‘what did I do?’ He gingerly pulled the light quilt off the figure, revealing a naked olive skinned back. The figure moved and turned around to face Stu. He looked at the face in front of him, looked down the body, at the pert breasts, with small pink-brown nipples, like small juicy raspberries. Stu had never seen anything so lovely. A small black-haired triangle, delicately nestled between crossed over legs. He stared at her face. He had never seen an angel up close before but he remembered seeing this one last night. He thought about the film. ‘The Godfather’ and how Michael Corleone got the ‘thunderbolt’ when he met his Italian sweetheart. He had never experienced this before, but had now, even though Nick’s words of wisdom still rang in his ears: ‘Don’t fall in love with the girls’.
He knew where he had seen her, but could not recall when, or how, she had ended up being there. He was ‘wankered’ last night for sure, and although his head still throbbed, he was glad to be in this wonderland and as happy as a ‘pig in shit’ to be right here, right now. The slumbering figure opened her eyes, looked at Stu, smiled and spoke.
“Good morning, pompui.”
Stu thought this was a nickname given to tourists, he later found out it affectionately meant ‘fatty’. He stared at this lovely lady and replied.
“Good morning, Dao.”