Cattle in Cambodia wander un-tethered around towns and villages. Nobody seems to own them and nobody seems to care. They just happily amble on looking for the best cud and sleep where they feel like it, usually in the middle of roads. The Khmers are used to this but it is strange for foreigners to comprehend, as you have to spend most of your time avoiding them on motorbikes and, as they have no highway code sense, they can just step out in front of you and cow vs. man on bike, cow always win. Buses however are a different kettle of fish.
Nick had woken up at around lunchtime. He felt rough, his head throbbed and he had a taste in his mouth like he had just eaten a lump of elephant dung and, when he cupped his hand to smell his breath it was like the farts of 1000 camels.He thought back to the previous night and recalled the last thing he’d remembered.
Richard had returned to the brothel to collect Nick after Lilly had made his todger screechy clean,
The pair then headed to the Heart of Darkness disco, a lively late night disco on street 51. It didn’t take Nick long to return to the wankered state and as his face drooped he realised that, he couldn’t go on and wanted to sleep. Richard helped him into a tuk-tuk gave the driver instructions and they sped off with Richard hollering behind
“See you tomorrow”.
Nick showered and dressed and went out of the hotel, into the hot sunny Phnom Penh Street. The sun beat down, blinding him and aggravating his hang over.
‘Sod this’ he thought and went back inside, to his room and back to bed.
‘Bloody Richard is an animal,’ he thought ‘I will avoid him, but at least nothing bad has happened to me, those two jinxes aren’t here’.
He pulled the covers over his head and snoozed
Eventually re-surfacing at 7pm he went out into the night air and walked along the riverfront, until he reached an air-conditioned restaurant. He went into the cool restaurant and ordered some food. ‘I only want a quiet one tonight’ he thought ‘and hopefully won’t run into that animal, Richard.’ Nick had a few drinks in several bars along the riverfront and noticed some very nice ladies, but put off by having to pay a bar fine, so he took a motodop to the walkabout and had a look around. A young freelance lady caught his eye and he bought her a beer. They chatted for several minutes and left together and went to his room.
The lady left at 10am and Nick was bored he had wasted the previous day in bed, courtesy of animal and wanted to make the most of his holiday. He went downstairs to where a myriad of tuk-tuk’s and motodops converged and waited to pounce on customers. A driver approached Nick and asked him where he wanted to go and gave him four options. He decided, he didn’t want to see the killing fields or S21 and he had emptied his sacks already, so another brown chalice was out of the question, so he decided to try the shooting range The tuk-tuk made its way out of the city and the driver spoke to Nick.
“Do you want the regular range, or something a little bit special?”
“Special sounds good” replied Nick and the driver headed into the countryside and called up his friend on his mobile. They had been driving for about 30 minutes, when the tuk-tuk pulled up at the bottom of a large field where two men were waiting for them. On the floor lay an old 1950’s Bazooka.
‘Great’ thought Nick as he got out of the tuk-tuk and proceeded toward the men.
“$50 to shoot our cow” said one of the men pointing to another man some distance away leading a cow along the field.
“Okay said Nick, not particularly wanting to shoot a cow, but he certainly wanted the chance to fire a bazooka, even though the sights had been adjusted to make sure nobody ever hit the cow. The man in the field held the cow on a long rope and signalled O.K.
Another man then picked up the bazooka and handed it to Nick, who rested it on his shoulder.
“Aim here and pull here,” instructed the Cambodian.
“Pull what ?” enquired Nick, as he touched the trigger
The shell erupted out of the muzzle and the recoil knocked Nick off his feet. The shell impacted into the side of the terrified animal exploding on impact, killing the poor creature instantly and sending bits of prime steak flying into the air over the field.
The two Cambodians next to Nick looked shocked and horrified. The Cambodian holding the cow now ran toward them in a state of total panic. Nick got to his feet and shoved back into the tuk-tuk,
“Keep your head down,” said the driver as a bullet ricochet off the side of the vehicle.
“What’s happening?” said Nick panicking as he saw a quad bike in the distance driving towards them along the field with the driver shooting a rifle at the fleeing Cambodians and Nick.
“Not our cow,” said the driver now frantically throttling the little tuk-tuk to make a rapid getaway.
Nick, still shocked, had the driver to take him back to the hotel. The driver explained that nobody had ever hit a cow before as the bazookas sights were altered, so usually the shell landed harmlessly in the next field.
Nick 1……….Cows 0
Still in a state of shock, Nick decided to make himself scarce, and on arrival at the hotel asked the reception where would be good place to go, preferably with a beach
“Sihanoukville is a nice place, it’s about four hours away and right on the coast, would you like me to book you on the 2:30 pm bus?” said the receptionist.
“Yes,” he said “Thanks, I will go pack my belongings”
Nick checked out of the hotel, collected his bus tickets and caught the Mekong express bus to Sihanoukville.
Sihanoukville, also known as Kampong Som, or Kampong Saom, is a port city in southern Cambodia on the Gulf of Thailand. The city was founded in 1964 to be the only deep water port in Cambodia (in part due to the waning power of the French leading to the Vietnamese tightening their control over the Mekong Delta and hence restricting river access to Cambodia) and its beaches have made it popular as a tourist destination.. The city is named after King Norodom Sihanouk.
Beaches that line the west contour of the city from north to south are Victory Beach, Lamherkay Beach, Koh Pos Beach, Independence Beach, Sokha Beach, Serendipity Beach, Occheuteal Beach and Otres Beach. The most popular beaches are Occheuteal, Sokha, Independence and Victory. Tourists can take water taxis to the nearby islands for diving, snorkelling, and game fishing.
The town centre is located in the centre of the peninsula and is seen as a distinct area for tourism promotion. It contains the banks, bus station, shops, supermarkets and an outdoor market.
The bus pulled into Sihanoukville at 6:30 as daylight faded. Nick ignored the hordes of tuk-tuk and moto drivers and walked along the side of the open air bus station. Nick noticed a few guesthouses and restaurant bars. One caught his eye, ‘That must be English owned’ he thought and made his way toward the sign. He entered the ‘George & Dragon’ and saw a red faced man behind the bar serving drinks to customers, Nick sat down.
“Mate, are you the owner?” enquired Nick
“Facking owner, barman, waiter, cook, cleaner, bottle washer, you name it, I am facking it” hollered George in a cockney accent with a beaming smile.
Nick taken aback by George’s abruptness stammered.
“Have you got any rooms?”
“Facking rooms, where you from?” asked George
“Brighton” said Nick.
“Brighton, facking Brighton, me old cokka, course I have a room for you.
“I’m George” he introduced himself and continued “Nice to meet you, this is Tony, John and Steve” George went on introducing other customers at the bar “and that lovely lady” continued George pointing at a Khmer lady sat on a comfy chair “Is the dragon” he chuckled,
“Nick,” said Nick as he shook George’s hand.
“Do you still serve the Sunday roast this late?” enquired Nick after he’d noticed the blackboard outside.
“Yes we do,” said George “You go and put your stuff in your room and I’ll have a hot plateful waiting for you.”
Nick went to a room and put his belongings on his bed ‘this is alright’ he thought ‘only $7 a night’.
Nick showered and went down into the restaurant. He ate a delicious roast and spent the next couple of hours talking to George, an ex lorry driver from London who also used to spend his time in Pattaya, but had visited Sihanoukville fell in love with both it and his wife who he had married the previous year. George explained to Nick where to go in Sihanoukville for a good time, these areas were out of the tourist areas, but easy to get to and George gave Nick the Sihanoukville Advertiser and told him everything to know is in there.
“This area is known as Downtown,” George informed him. He got on a moto outside the George & Dragon and told the driver to take him to one of George’s suggested points.
“Victory Hill” ordered Nick and the driver smiled and sped off.
Ten minutes later they arrived at the hill. He paid the driver, who said he would stay with him and take him around at his leisure for $5 all night. Nick agreed and proceeded to walk along Victory Hill.
Victory Hill, is a small street bar complex well away from the beach resorts and lined with small bars, similar to Pattaya, but on a lot smaller scale. The majority of girlie bars are in this area due to its location away from the tourist spots.
The bars try unsuccessfully to emulate Pattaya bombarding customers with loud music.
Nick went into a lively bar called Bonobon and ordered a draft Angkor. A lady sat down next to him and started rubbing his neck,
“Massage” she said.
Nick ignored her and looked around the small smelly bar and his mind wandered to Pattaya and Luanne. He ordered another drink and his massage lady, who was an old tug, demanded,
“I massage you, buy me drink”
Nick bought the moose a drink and when an overpriced glass of wine came, he thought ‘This reminds me of the shit side of Pattaya.’
Disgruntled with the hill he got on the waiting moto,
“Snake house” he said.
The moto drove for ten minutes and entered a large resort set back on its own.
The snake house is a modern and well designed resort, catering mainly for Russians, owned by an old family from Russia, who keep snakes and crocodiles in large tanks around the restaurant and a small, but elegant beer bar with swimming pool at the side. Nick went into the bar and ordered a drink. He gazed around the bar noticed how tasteful the decor had been set out, with a swimming pool and flat screen TV. An attractive girl caught his eye and she came over and politely asked Nick if he would like another beer.
“Not yet,” replied Nick “but let me buy you one” where them words come from, he will never know
“Thank you,” said the lady “Can I have a beer?”
Nick ordered the girl a beer and motioned for her to join him on the next stool.
The Cambodian thunderbolt had struck
Nick and Shanti spoke for about an hour on all kinds of topics. Shanti spoke English and she explained that she had attended university. Nick, getting spannered became immersed in Shanti.
“Right,” he announced, “I will pay the bar and we can go.”
“Go where?” enquired Shanti.
“My room for a shag” slurred Nick.
“Sorry” said Shanti with a shocked expression “I am a hostess, not a taxi girl”
“What’s the difference?” asked Nick sounding desperate.
“A lot!” fired back Shanti and got of her stool.
Nick sat gob smacked. What was this?
“Ket Loy,” the bill he growled.
He paid his bill and just about to leave, when Shanti returned to his side and pecked him on the cheek, “Sorry” she whispered, “but if you want I will go on the beach with you tomorrow.” and handed him a note with her phone number on it
Nick placed the note in his pocket and smiled at Shanti. He got onto the moto and asked the driver where the best place was for brown chalice.
The driver informed him, either freelance girls at Freedom or G’day mate, or if he didn’t want to chase it, Blue Mountain would be the place.
Nick decided on neither and returned to the George & Dragon and had a few more beers with George then went to bed. He had decided to rent a motorcycle the following day and take Shanti to the beach.
The next morning Nick woke early. He had a great night’s sleep in a comfortable room and thought about Shanti.
He ate a full English breakfast and went to find a motorbike to hire. He rented a nearly new black Honda wave and phoned Shanti,
“Hello Shanti, its Nick, We spoke last night and I called to see if the beach date was still on”
The phone went quiet, as Shanti collected her thoughts,
“Nick,” she said “How are you? Thanks for calling I thought I had upset you”
“I’m fine,” said Nick “and no, you didn’t upset me. I am sorry I tried to push you, I haven’t learnt about Cambodian people yet.”
Shanti laughed
“You will,” she said
“I want to,” said Nick not knowing were the bollocks that spewed out of his mouth came from.
“Okay,” said Shanti “I will meet you outside Dolphin Shack on Occheuteal beach at 2 pm,”
“Perfect,” said Nick “see you then.”
Nick hung up and looked at his guide book and found a map with directions to Occheuteal. Happy as a sand boy he decided to look for the beach that would bring him closer to Shanti, so he set off towards the beach. He drove round the golden lion roundabout and took the small road to take him to the beach, something ahead caught his eye. Three figures walked towards him on the opposite side of the road. He stared with shock and disbelief as he passed the men, who looked at him.
Two he’d recognised. Fear cut through him as he stared at the figures, who now seemed focused on something on the road ahead. Nick looked forward.
“Shit!”. Nick pulled the front brake lever with such force the front wheel stopped dead, bringing up the rear end of the bike and launching Nick airborne. He flew through the air like a dart..
“He must be one of the most accident prone blokes on the planet!” said Spock
“He’ll blame us for that” mumbled Stu
“I know,” said Spock. “But I suppose that we had better help him get his head out of that cows arse.”
The poor creature along with her calves and three other nomadic cows had been eating at the grass verge by the side of the road and now lazed in the centre of the road at their usual sunny spot. The old cow stood at the rear of the group with her month old calf. She had never expected that her lazy morning would be violently shattered.
After the initial shock, she let out a painful wailing Mooo!! The others in the herd got up and bolted and the old cow started to run, with Nicholas Godfrey of Brighton’s head stuck firm, his arms and legs flaying wildly.
Spock and Stu ran and caught hold of Nick’s thrashing legs and held on firmly as the old cow carried on running and with a pop and a squelch, Nick was free. Pon recovered Nick’s moto and wheeled it to a nearby bar, where Spock and Stu took the shocked, stunned, Nick.
The commotion had drawn a lot of attention and customers and staff at the restaurant, now in fits of laughter, helped the two lads and sat Nick was down outside the Cool Banana restaurant. Nick groggily looked around at Spock and Stu then noticed Pon, who although his face was vaguely familiar he could fully recognise the man with the Elvis mullet.
“Spock give him your hat and let him wipe that slime off his face” Stu chuckled
Spocks retort went unnoticed, as a laughing waitress appeared with a bowl of soapy water. She gave a towel to Nick to dry himself and then proceeded to wash his face and head to remove the cow snot. Nick, now coming around a little, looked at his two nemeses.
“What are you doing here?” he stuttered
“We are on a secret mission,” beamed Spock and nodded towards Pon.
“With the mad monk, with the mullet” continued Stu also nodding towards Pon.
“How about you, why are you here?” asked Spock.
“Holiday” said Nick, wiping the slime off from around his mouth.
The owner of the restaurant came out and enquired to whether Nick was okay as he tried not to laugh, and gave Nick a brandy which he knocked back.
“Where are you staying matey?” asked Stu
“Downtown,” replied Nick
“Fancy bumping into you here mate,” chuckled Spock,
“We only arrived here about one hour ago,” he continued and handed Nick a business card “We are right on the beach its fantastic”
Nick looked at the card ‘Coasters’ Serendipity Beach. Nick placed the card in his pocket ‘Won’t be needing that he thought’. His faculties returned, so the waitress took the bowl away to the kitchen.
“Sorry lads” mumbled Nick “I need to go back to my hotel and clean up. I will join you later for a beer”
“Okay mate” said Stu and helped him stand up and get onto his bike “take it easy” said Stu
Nick, head still sore started up the bike, he looked ahead and saw the herd of cows now happily chewing the foliage off a bush at the patch of land at the top of the road. He noticed the old cow giving him the evil eye, then thought he saw her smile and wink.
Convinced that he was hallucinating, he drove off, leaving Stu, Spock and Pon, roaring with laughter at Nick, the walking calamity.
Nick rushed into the George & Dragon and George asked him if he was Okay.
“If you call getting your head stuck up a cow’s fanny as being Okay, then yeah I’m peachy,” said Nick sarcastically.
He rushed to his room packed his rucksack paid for his room and motorbike and then left. Nick ran over to the bus station and noticed only one outgoing bus.
“Where’s this bus going and what time does it leave?” He wheezed.
“Siem Reap,” said the girl in the office “and it leaves in 5 minutes.”
“Right,” said Nick catching his breath “Give me a one way ticket.”
He took his lonely planet guide out of his bag, sat down and opened the guide at the Siem Reap section. His thoughts then turned to Shanti and he rang her to explain and apologise, she was a bit confused and wondered what had made him sound afraid. The bus pulled out of the station with Nick cowering behind the curtain of the bus window and until the bus left Sihanoukville far behind, that’s where he remained.
Nick...1 Cows…1 a draw