“Nick must be the unluckiest bloke who ever lived” said Spock as Nick hazily drove off on his motorbike and the laughter had died down. They ordered three draft beers and sat outside the cool banana bar. Pon made a call on his mobile. Pon, Stu and Spock chatted for about 30 minutes, and then a black Lexus Lx 470 cruiser stopped in front of them. The electric window slid down and the Cambodian driver poke to the group,
“Chai?” he asked Pon
“Yes,” said Pon.
“Come with me please,” said the driver “and hurry,” said the agitated man.
“What does he want?” Stu asked Pon.
“I have to go with him to meet my contact,” said Pon, who nodded to the driver, picked up his bag and went into the passenger side of the car.
“Don’t worry my brothers, I will be alright, you enjoy yourselves, and I will call you later.”
“OK,” said Stu concerned.
“See you later shit-head,” said Spock, also concerned, “if you have any problems call us.”
The car then drove away.
“Do you reckon he will be OK?” Spock asked Stu.
“Yes mate,” replied Stu “Who in their right mind would hassle a man with a mullet like that, you should have give him that daft hat, and then he would have double protection.”
Concerned for about a minute, they finished their beer and decided to go to change some Thai Baht into dollar and Riel and go back to Coasters and wait, or leave a message for Nick.
Riel is the currency of Cambodia, but the preferred currency is the US Dollar .There are approximately 4000 Cambodian Riel to 1 US Dollar.The notes range from a 50 riel to 50000 Riel note. So a pile of Riel is worth very little, so people and business’s prefer Dollar notes. However Riel is handy to pay taxis and tuk-tuk’s as they never have change.
****
Pon had arrived early the previous morning at Stu’s room, after he’d collected the documents that Taksin had rushed through
After the initial shock, Stu calmed down enough to invite Pon into the room and composed himself enough to clip the little monk around his ears for waking him up at such an ungodly hour, and because he hadn’t done it for months and he felt Pon was due one.
Pon asked Stu to get Spock, as what he had to discuss was for them both.
Stu went and thumped on Spock’s door.
“Fuck off,” bellowed Spock.
“Mate we have a visitor,” laughed Stu.
“Tell him to fuck off too,” growled Spock.
“It’s the mad monk,” said Stu.
With the sound of wind breaking and Moo wittering, the door eventually opened and Spock stood in the doorway in a pair of loose boxer shorts, inside out, with his tackle hanging out
“What does he want?” asked Spock and looked at his watch.
“I don’t know, put your todger away and we can go find out,” laughed Stu as he walked back to his room, followed by Spock, who jumped around to pop his todger back into his shorts.
Pon sat on the bed speaking to Dao about Kim, when Stu and Spock came in and sat by the side of him, Spock clipped Pon around his ear, for the same reasons that Stu had done.
Pon related the story about how the box had been switched and his problem with getting into Cambodia unaided. He told them that Taksin had devised a plan, but he would need their help to carry it out. His English had improved in the 5 months since he had last seen the lads. He had been taking lessons but he still needed Dao to translate, as her English had vastly improved with the constant teachers that she’d had (customers). A sleepy Moo entered the room and sat down.
“What’s the plan then?” said Stu.
Pon told them he intended to enter Cambodia as a tour guide and how it would be more credible to travel with a group of foreigners, and say that he was their Cambodian guide, and as he spoke Cambodian, nobody would suspect if he travelled with a group.
They would be expecting the prime master Pon Meesilli to try to recover the relic alone and he told them that he had fake Cambodian passport.
Pon went on to explain that he was only maybe a day at the most, behind the man they knew to be responsible. He then produced the passport photograph taken off the Thai immigration form.
“This is the man,” he said as he showed the Photo of Tar to the group, “He works for this Colonel” and produced a photograph of Colonel Tighe, he is the one who I have to avoid if at all possible, he is a powerful man and could cause a problem with the monarchy of both countries should I get caught. Pon explained that the box’s exchange would not be reported, so Tighe would not realise that the Thais knew about the swap. Pon and Taksin could not afford to take that risk, and would give Pon time to get in without a full scale search being launched.
The lads thought for a moment.
“Cambodia,” said Stu.
“Yes,” said Pon, but we have to go in through the southern border at Hat Lek,” he went on to explain on how Taksin had arranged with a contact in Sihanoukville, who had gathered information about Tar’s whereabouts. Taksin’s contact did not like Colonel Tighe, and he was also Kim’s uncle
“So I may be able to see my love” smiled Pon.
The two lads thought long and hard and then Spock recapped.
“So,” said Spock “You want us to escort you into Cambodia as our tour guide, go to the seaside and relax, while you nip off and get that bloody box back and then come back in a couple of days. . . is that correct?”
“Correct,” said Pon “that’s all and the palace will pay all the expenses.”
Stu, Spock, Dao and Moo thought long and hard, after all, if the relic was never found it would suit them, but Pon was a friend, plus Stu and Spock wanted to see the lady that had captured the heart of the mad monk. The girls started wittering about helping the King and Thailand and more importantly, it was free. (Nick would have loved it if he wasn’t already there) Spock looked at Stu who nodded. Spock announced
“Right mate we’re in, girls pack your bags. Cambodia, here we come!”
The girls looked at each other and spoke in Thai to Pon. Pons face turned from a happy smile to a sad droop and spoke again to the girls in Thai, and then to Spock and Stu.
“It’s Okay my friends, I understand but thank you anyway.”
“What” said Spock “what’s happening?”
“We don’t have passports” said Dao “we cannot go over the border.”
“And we have no time to get them made” added Pon
Pon got off the bed and looked disappointed. Pon went to the door and smiled at the group.
“I will see you all when I return,” he calmly spoke but knowing now having to regroup and rethink the plan.
“Hang on matey,” shouted Spock, who looked at Stu and then the girls, Stu knew what Spock had been thinking, so did the girls and they smiled. Pon walked back over to the bed.
“So,” said Spock and nodded at Stu, “You want to go into a strange country, recover that bloody box, laze on a beach, rescue a damsel in distress, have a wild adventure and go into the heart of danger . . . , without us. Spock paused for effect and continued. “Not on your Nellie” and in unison with Stu announced.
“Count us in, when do we leave?”
The two girls hugged their heroes
“We leave immediately” said Pon, happiness and relief etched on his face.
“Have we time for shag first” said Stu and received a clip around his head from an embarrassed Dao.
Pon sat down again and produced a passport and showed it to Stu and Spock.
“Please call me by my new name,” and handed his Cambodian passport to Spock, who read out loud.
“Shite” said Spock.
“Its pronounced Chai” said Pon.
“Chait-ead” Spock read out.
“Its pronounced Chai te-ad” corrected Pon
“Shit head,” Spock announced “well that should be easy to remember.
Pon not understanding what a shithead was decided Spocks pronunciation was near enough.
“That’s great beamed Spock I have a little shit,” he pointed to Moo, “and a shithead,” he looked at Pon and chuckled at his own scathing wit.
Pon, not knowing what the big lad was prattling on about, reached in his bag for his next surprise.
Stu looked at the passport photo of Pon and noticed,
“This isn’t you, this man’s got a stupid mullet and you’re as bald as a bell end.”
Pon then produced a wig and slipped it on. The two lads looked, and then burst out into fits of laughter, joined in by the two girls
“I thought Elvis was dead,” cackled Spock tears of laughter streaming from his eyes as Pon adjusted his wig and smoothed it down. He couldn’t see what the fuss about, besides Kim liked Elvis.
After the laughter died down Pon got his bag, which containing his Pitou, Glave, wharm Lorn and other herbs and potions, his monk’s robes plus a few civilian clothes, and he left the room. He would wait downstairs in the foyer. Spock and Moo had gone to their room to pack and Dao started packing Stus bag. Pon said that he’d expected them to be away for about four days, if things went to plan, but Stu considered that four days without Dao was a sad prospect.
“But,” assured Dao, “if you help the King you will be my superman, and Pon did say we have time for a shag” she smiled and they left the packing for 30 seconds.
Stu and Dao joined Spock and Moo. Moo had a gleam in her eye but it wasn’t the same gleam as Dao’s post shag gleam, this was a mischievous grin.
“Ready matey,” said Spock.
“Ready,” said Stu, a little sad.
“Right girls,” announced Spock “we are going to save the world,” and put on his daft hat.
‘That’s all I need,’ thought Stu ‘a mad monk with a moronic mullet and a twat in a hat, some adventure this is going to be.’
“Urrrrrh” groaned Spock as white shaving foam oozed out from under his hat, much to the delight of Moo, who burst out laughing joined in by Stu and Dao. Spock looked stunned, but coolly composed himself and carried a kicking screaming Moo back into his room, grumbling about ‘teaching the little shit’.
Howls and screams emanated from Spocks room followed by a slight buzzing and after a moments silence, followed by Moo ranting and raving. Spock came out of the room, wiped the foam out of his hat and headed toward the elevator
“Come on then, let’s go, see you in a couple of days Dao,” he chuckled as he walked into the lift. Stu kissed Dao goodbye and joined him in the elevator.
Stu looked at Spock who beamed from ear to ear and calmly asked
“Remington?”
“Remington,” confirmed Spock as the elevator door closed.
Dao rushed into Moo’s room to see her in tears stood by the mirror cursing at the now departed Spock and rubbed at her eyebrow. The one that Spock had not shaved off. The lads got out of the elevator and walked towards Pon.
“Come on, shithead,” ordered Spock and continued walking out of the hotel with Stu and Pon at his side, into the street outside the Sawasdee Hotel. They looked like The Earp brothers walking into the OK Corral to face the Clanton’s. The lads were on another adventure.
They caught a bus from Pattaya to Trat about four hours away, and then took a mini bus to Hat Lek and the border crossing. Pon exited Thailand on his Thai passport and then he, Spock and Stu crossed over the 50m stretch of no man’s land and across the border into Cambodia. They all went together to the immigration booth and the official looked briefly at Pons passport and then engaged him in conversation, but didn’t pay any attention to his forged Cambodian passport. The lads got an entry visa and went out of the office, and got into a taxi.
“What did he want” asked Stu referring to Pon’s conversation with the immigration official.
“He wanted to know who cut my hair, he liked the style,” replied a smug Pon.
The taxi pulled away. Nobody outside the office heard the conversation within a laughter filled office, about the ridiculous haircut that the Cambodian tour guide had. “He should shave his head rather than parade around with hair like that” said one official that brought roars of laughter from his colleagues, but at least nobody became suspicious .The lads had crossed their first hurdle and crossed over the bridge taking them into Koh Kong town on the way to the Sihanoukville ferry. Pon spoke to the driver and then turned to Stu and Spock.
“We have a problem,” said Pon and continued “There was only one ferry a day, which departed at 08.30 and two of the road bridges were closed, so we couldn’t go by road.”
“Oh well,” said Stu “we will have to stay the night in Koh Kong, its only 2pm, so we can explore,” and asked he the taxi driver to take them to a hotel.”
There are four river crossings in total between Koh Kong and Sihanoukville. All being bridged, of which two are already completed. The remaining two are almost finished, but at present, 2009, they are being crossed by floating platforms.
The taxi pulled up in the centre of a small town and the driver pointed to a guest house.
“Here is very good,” said the driver, knowing that he would get a commission should they stay. The lads walked into the reception and booked three rooms, they paid the taxi, who said he would pick them up in the morning and take them to the ferry. They thanked the driver and got their bags from the trunk, went inside the restaurant and ordered three beers, and told Pon that it was a well known fact that Cambodian beer was alcohol free. Pon tried to phone his contact to tell him the plan to meet him tomorrow and the lads tried to phone the girls, but their phones wouldn’t work, so they went to a small mobile phone shop and bought three Cambodian Sim cards, then they all phoned their respective contacts.
Pon arranged a meeting with Kim’s uncle Lee, his contact for the following afternoon and Stu phoned Dao and gave her his new Cambodian telephone number. Spock phoned Moo who answered the unfamiliar number and when he spoke, she hung up.
“Got a shitty on mate?” asked Stu
“Yep,” replied Spock unconcerned “The eye-browed deficient stroppy little shit.”
They ordered another beer and decided to eat and then explore.
Whilst they ate, the owner of the restaurant came from his room and introduced himself.
“Jock from Aberdeen” said a gnarly looking old Scottish man extending his hand.
The lads introduced themselves Stu, Spock and shithead and they enquired what to do in Koh Kong.
“Flap all,” said Jock “you can go back over the bridge to the casinos at the border, or snorkel at one of the beaches, but again this meant crossing back over the bridge. The only other alternative was Safari world.”
The lads didn’t want to risk going near the border again, and zoos were on their shitlist, because the last one they visited a monkey shit on their ice cream. Jock informed them the only thing to see in Koh Kong was the chicken farm, which didn’t open until late, so all that would be there at that time of day would be chickens.
It seemed that the only thing to do during the day would be to get spannered, which was fine by Spock and Stu, but Pon, after a few more beers, realised he had been, Goh hocked too. . . . Again (both in Cambodian and Thai, Goh hock means ‘lie’) and after an hour Pon went to lie down feeling worse for wear, shitfaced to be more accurate.
Stu, Spock, old Jock and his young Vietnamese wife drank and chatted all afternoon. There were no other customers in the restaurant or in Koh Kong for that matter, and at 4pm the lads went to their rooms for a nap.
They returned to the restaurant at 6 o’clock after unsuccessfully trying to wake Pon, and ordered mince, mash and a couple of beers. Half way through eating, six ladies came in and Jocks wife brought them over to the lads table,
“Which lady you want?” said Giau, Jocks wife.
The lads nearly spat their food out.
“What?” said Spock.
“You want fuck,” repeated Giau.
“It’s a little early,” said Stu and not wanting to upset the ladies added “maybe later.”
Giau sent the ladies away and the lads carried on eating they intended to wait for Jock, who had promised to take them to the chicken farm, but he still slept.
Several hours passed and by 8 o’clock the lads felt juiced. Six more ladies came into the restaurant and Giau brought them over to the lads table,
“You want fuck yet?” she enquired
“Not yet,” said Spock although a large lady caught his eye, she wasn’t pretty and had home-made tattoos, but Spock thought she would be sturdy old shag and winked at her “how are you horse?” he joked. The lady smiled as she and the others left the restaurant.
Jock eventually came down around 8:45pm and enquired as to whether Giau had been taking good care.
Giau was an attractive, small Vietnamese lady, a lot younger than Jock; the lads thought she looked to be in her mid twenties, while Jock looked well into his sixties.
“Yeah we’re good,” said Stu smiling at Giau
“Ok,” said Jock “I’ll grab a bite to eat and we will go to the farm.”
Stu phoned Dao and Spock phoned Moo while they were waiting, again Moo hung up.
“Ready,” said Jock and, as Giau cleaned away the plates. Stu, Spock and Jock got into his ancient Toyota car and headed for the chicken farm. Jock carried a bottle of Mekong whisky under his car seat and swigged it as they drove.
The chicken farm was about 10 minutes away and along a dirt track road, lined either side with large wooden shacks, each contained girls, mainly Vietnamese, all quite young.
The car stopped in the centre, they got out and went to sit at a table, outside one of shacks and ordered three beers. Several ladies came out and sat with them and they bought the girls a drink.
After about two hours, the lads now spannered walked into the last shack on the strip, Jock became wankered as he’d been slurping his whisky.
“Have a few beers here lads and then we can head back,” announced Jock, “and if you aren’t taking a lady we can get pissed at my place and Giau will have some brought to the restaurant for you,” he continued.
Three more beers arrived and Spock looked at the lady bringing the beers.
“Horse!” he shouted at the lady.
The horse put down the beers and grabbed Spocks hand, put it up her dress and smiled as Spock probed her knicker-less brown chalice.
“She’ll do” said Spock and the lady sat down with Spock still probing.
The four went back to Jocks guesthouse, Spock and Horse went to Spocks room and Jock, Stu and Giau sat and drank some more. Jock drank whisky and beer, Stu stayed on beer and Giau had wine and moaned at Jock about drinking too much.
After an hour, a wankered Jock said that he and Giau wanted to go to bed. Stu knew this was his cue to leave and go to his room, so he said goodnight to the couple and went to his room.
Stu could hear Spock and the horse going at it hammer and tongs in the next room. There had been no sign of Pon all evening. He had slept through. Stu showered and got into bed, and decided to sleep, so he would wake up in time for the ferry. Stu had just nodded off, when there came a knock on his door; he got out of bed, put a towel around himself and answered. To his surprise Giau stood in the doorway. She walked past him into the room. She had a large towel wrapped around her and stood waiting for Stu, who closed the door and turned to face Giau.
“What’s the matter?” asked Stu.
“Jock no good,” she said “too drunk, fall asleep snoring” she then removed the towel to reveal a small slender body, with small pert breasts and a little hairy black triangle covering her chalice
“You want fuck yet?” she smiled and slid between Stus sheets.
The next morning Stu, Spock and Pon came down and ate breakfast, served by a happy serviced Giau, who had left Stu’s room in the early hours and returned to a still snoring Jock, none the wiser.
Jock was still asleep when they left and Stu told Giau they may return in a few days. The horse had left Spock at 6 am, nicely serviced. The taxi arrived and drove them the five minutes to the waiting ferry. They bought tickets, boarded the boat and went to sit downstairs in the large air conditioned seating area of the ferry.
The four hour boat journey was uneventful and they sat outside on the roof compartment and enjoyed the sea-breeze and they could smoke. Both Spocks’ hat and Pons wig had almost been blown, off much to the delight of Stu, but they’d managed to hold on to their respective head dresses much to Stu’s disappointment. The boat docked at 12:30pm and the lads got off, they had to stop at the immigration box. Pon mingled with the other Cambodians and walked past without getting stopped. They caught a waiting tuk-tuk and told the driver that they wanted to stay on the beach. The tuk-tuk headed off from the port, through the downtown area and to Serendipity beach and into Coasters resort.
They checked into three air-conditioned rooms with private balconies, with spectacular views of the main beach and islands and met David one of the partners. David was a cheerful Australian and introduced the lads to the Manager, Ravuth.
“This is Mappy,” informed David “his real name is Ravuth, but everybody calls him Mappy” (Cambodian for porky) anything you need to know or if you want to hire motorbikes just speak to Mappy,” then David went to chat with some other customers while the lads checked in and Mappy furnished them with free guide books and explained where some of the more interesting places in Sihanoukville were located. Ravuth was mid thirties and a happy round faced Cambodian who looked like General Urko from planet of the apes. He had been working at Coasters for five years and he loved it and was well known in Sihanoukville as the manager of the busiest resort in town, he spoke fluent English, but with a stutter.
“You want to hire a mow, mow, motorbike” stammered Mappy, who only stuttered in English.
“Not yet mate we want to look around for a while” said Spock.
The lads went to their rooms, unpacked their small bags and came down to the reception and walked out of Coasters, up a small dirt track to join a tarmac road, they noticed earlier when they first arrived. They walked along a road lined with restaurants. They then ran into Nick (and Nick ran into a cow’s fanny).
Pon had gone to meet his Cambodian contact, so the lads decided to go back to Coasters and wait for Nick, who unbeknownst to them had already scarpered. They got chatting to an ex pat in Coasters restaurant who had lived in Sihanoukville for years, named Shifty the baker. Shifty, a well known jack-the-lad character who ran a bakery in town, liked to drink on the beach during the afternoons. Shifty told Spock and Stu the best places to go for good food, good conversation and a shag. The lads listened and marked off the places on the free guide book that they had picked up from the reception.
“Tonight lads, I will show you around, I will meet you at Spinning Bobs, which he marked off the Tiki shack on their map.
“See you later,” said Shifty
“That sounded Okay,” said Stu “I like this place already,”
The two lads went outside the coasters restaurant and lay down on two sun lounges and ordered two beers that were bought over by a pleasant young lady.
“Everything alright lads?” said Dave as he walked on the beach.
“Yes mate,” said Stu “everything’s fine.
“Great lads enjoy yourselves. Oy Dragon!!” David shouted at the lady who just brought over the drinks.
“Make sure you take good care of these boys and who knows,” David winked at the girl and announced “her real names Srey Longdy but everyone calls her Dragon, she is always looking for a foreign boyfriend, but she always scares them away,” David flitted away and went to talk to other customers.
The lads looked at the two attractive waitress’s, and could not understand why srey Longdy had been called Dragon, until she stuck her hand up at Spock, middle finger extended. Stu on the other hand closely watched the other girl.
“I hope Pon takes his time, I think I will enjoy it here. He looked at Srey Mom, the other waitress.
Srey means female and is usually placed before any girl’s name Proht is the same for boy but is not used as frequent. Bong or Owhn can be used as an alternative. Bong meaning older and Owhn meaning younger person, same as Non and pee in Thai language.
Pon arrived at Lees’ house, located on the other side of Sihanoukville near Hung Sen beach, a 25 minute drive away. He was taken into the large house by the driver and met with Lee. Pon knew Lee briefly, he had seen him a few times at the palace in Phnom Penh and Kim had told Pon that Lee was her favourite uncle. He currently held the position of the Cambodian Royal family’s foreign affairs officer, and the army rank of Brigadier. He was Taksin’s counterpart and good friend, although Lee never knew of the developing love between his niece and the Elvis impersonator. Pon relayed the full story to Lee and showed him Tars photograph.
“I know, him he is one of Colonel Tighe’s elite commandos, I believe his best.” Said Lee
Lee went on to tell Pon that Tighe and Tar stayed in Siem Reap, Tar lived in the army barracks, and Tighe lived in a large house on the city’s outskirts. Lee produced a map of Siem Reap and pin pointed Tighe’s house. Lee informed Pon that nothing had been heard with regards to a search for him, so they assumed that Tighe was still unaware that the Thais knew of the switch, so therefore Pon still had the element of surprise.
‘Good’ thought Pon ‘we can leave straight away’
Lee then produced another map showing the route from Sihanoukville to Siem Reap, and were studying this when the door bell sounded. Brigadier Lee looked at his watch and mumbled
“She’s early” and went to answer the door.
Lee returned a few minutes later accompanied by beautiful lady. The woman looked at Pon who looked back, his heart pounding.
“This is my niece Kim,” announced Lee
Kim looked at Pon and smiled
“This is my friend, Chai” said Lee, not realising they already knew each other and were very much in love.
Pon and Kim wai’d each other.
“My niece is due to marry soon and wants to discuss something,” said Lee, “Please stay for lunch, Chai.”
“Thank you,” said Pon and the brigadier left the room, to organise the meal, leaving the two love birds to chat.
Pon briefly explained why he was there and they kissed before Lee came back into the room.
“Excuse me Chai, I must speak with my niece, make yourself at home,” said Lee and he and Kim left the room.
‘Anywhere Kim is, I feel at home’ thought Pon
Pon heard the two arguing in the next room, but could not hear about what, so he studied the maps Lee had given him. They could hire a car and drive to Siem Reap. Pon could now read maps, although he still had one major problem, but thought his two friends could help with this.
Pon could tell that Kim had been crying as she and Lee returned to the room and Lee announced it was time to eat. They went to a lavish dining room. Pon noticed the tension between Lee and Kim, but after they had eaten, Lee said to Kim.
“Ok Kim, I will see what I can do” which brought a smile to the face of the beautiful Kim.
Then he looked seriously at Pon and rubbed his brow, and knew that this could become a big problem.
“When are you leaving Chai?” asked Lee.
“Tomorrow,” said Pon not knowing why, but knowing he still had the element of surprise, so there didn’t seem to be any rush, which meant that he could spend more time with Kim, even though he knew it could be for the last time.
“You must stay the night here” ordered Lee “I will have a room made up for you. . . . Kim, show Chai around the grounds.”
The two walked around the large grounds and stopped in a gazebo and kissed. With sadness Kim told Pon why she had come to see Lee. She explained about her parents being traditional and this arranged marriage would go ahead no matter what, However, they’d always listened to her father’s brother, Lee