The large 737 touched down on the runway of Savarnabhumi airport, Bangkok. The passengers disembarked, except for four people who had been asked by the flight crew to remain.
A familiar figure entered the plane and went over to the four. Pon stood and wai-ed Taksin. Smiling, Spock and Stu stood up and shook his hand and told him it was good to see him again. Pon then introduced Kim who wai-ed Taksin.
Taksin told them they would be escorted out of the airport privately and he took their passports from them. They all left the aircraft and got into a large chauffer driven, white stretch Chrysler 300 series limousine bearing the royal crest.
The car drove out of the airport and onto the highway. They made their way towards the Royal palace and Taksin got de-briefed from Pon, although all he could tell that he could only remember getting ready in the morning to go to see Tighe and then the relic then being handed over to him by the security guard,
“It appeared to be strange” he said and Spock interrupted occasionally about his missing hat.
Taksin informed them that Brigadier Lee had asked him to carry out some personal instructions and now he had seen the Prime Master and Kim together, he was very happy to carry out Lee’s instructions.
Taksin told Pon that they’d caught the palace spy
“It was my P.A., Noi,” he told them, “She had been picked up on the palace security camera, making a phone call from just outside and, as all use of phones had been prohibited until the relics return, Taksin confiscated the phone and checked the last number dialled. It had been Colonel Tighe Nye’s land line.”
“Where is she now?” asked Pon.
“She is in custody at the Bangkok Hilton prison, awaiting trial for treason, but I dare say she will probably get away with a short jail term, instead of execution, she confessed that she had acted on her lovers orders, Colonel Tighe.”
Kim smiled; she’d had a lucky escape.
The limo pulled into the Imperial Palace. They all got out and were ushered into the large, plush administration section and into a large conference suite where two monks’ stood to greet them.
“Welcome back Prime Master,” said two old monks’ who wai’d the party. Overjoyed, Pon said,
“Master Cenat, Master Vitchae, what are you two dopey old farts doing here?” (Just making sure you were still awake)
The monks and Taksin spoke for several minutes in Thai,
which Stu, Spock nor Kim couldn’t understand, so they gazed out of a large patio window onto the beautiful flora in the royal grounds. They were interrupted by a buzzer as a small old man entered the room. The people in the room all bowed including Spock and Stu.
The King spoke to the monks and Taksin in Thai and then said to Stu and Spock in English
“Thank you for your help,” he then turned and left the room.
A few moments later a man, dressed in military uniform entered and handed a small envelope to Taksin, who opened it and returned Spock and Stu’s passports, they thanked Taksin. Pon asked Taksin something in Thai, Taksin smiled and replied.
A bell sounded to signal that lunch was ready and they sat around a large dining table. Several Thais, dressed in Traditional costume came in carrying cutlery and table decorations, turning the table into an extravagant dining area and several moments later more stewards entered carrying plates of piping hot Thai food.
The party ate and chatted for about an hour and Taksin asked Stu and Spock if they would like to stay as their guest, or return to Pattaya, which didn’t take a lot of thought and thirty minutes later, they sped along route seven on the way to Pattaya in a chauffeur driven, royal limousine
“This will put me back in the good books with the little goythead” said Spock chuckling to himself that he had found another use for his new word.
“Hmmm,” mumbled Stu as he stared out of the window and thought of Dao and how he could work his and Spock’s bruises, into a convincing story of heroism.
Taksin, Pon, Kim, Vitchae and Cenat took the relic to the temple of the sacred light. A scaffold had been erected around the statue. Pon climbed up, replaced the holy relic and climbed down.
Two men had been waiting in the temple and as soon as Pon had replaced the relic and climbed down, the two electricians took some equipment up to the Buddha statues head.
They installed touch motion detectors to an alarm system around the relics, thus bringing the temple into the 21st century.
The five left the temple and went to Taksin’s office they’d planned to return to the temple in a few hours for another ceremony. Pon, Vitchae and Cenat left Taksin’s office and went to the monk’s quarters for a discussion. Banti and Pons sister came, and after the tearful reunion and introduction to Kim they took Kim along to their family quarters. Pons sister could speak a little English, so she and Kim, who could also speak English, could have a limited conversation. Taksin made the other arrangements that he and Pon had discussed. Pon told Vitchae and Cenat his request and waited for their wisdom and advice.
Several hours later the temple of the sacred light had a crowd of people for a religious ceremony, this time, however it wasn’t tourists awaiting the Buddha’s light. The people inside were monks, high ranking officials several members of the royal family and Pons family and, presiding over the ceremony Cenat and Vitchae. Two figures knelt in front of the chanting monks, The defender of the monarch and his new wife-to-be, Kim.
The chanting reached its crescendo as the sunlight hit the skylight and the holy remnants, which still contained Nicholas Godfreys’ ceramic teeth, minus a few cells. Another member joined the ceremony, as an amazing dancing light show of Lord Buddha.
Pon had told Vitchae and Cenat that his love for Kim was too strong and he wanted to protect her, although he would always remain on the path to enlightenment, he would do this with his wife, but as it was forbidden for monks to marry he would relinquish his role as Tinju Prime Master, and no longer be a monk, however, he would remain the defender of the Monarch and protector of the relic, Pon would always remain a loyal servant of the Tinju and Royal Family.
Vitchae and Cenat both noticed how Pon appeared when he was around Kim, and could not, or would not refuse the brave warriors request.
Vitchae joked with Pon about if the big fellow, Spock, would consider the Prime masters role, as he looked very handy,
The wedding ceremony meant they had been joined in matrimony under the Buddha’s teaching and laws.
Kim felt sad because she didn’t have her parents blessing, or knowledge of her whereabouts. However, she thought they would come around and hoped Tighe could find it in his cold heart to forgive her enough to allow them have a large ceremony in Cambodia, with the Royal families of Cambodia and Thailand attending. Unbeknownst to her, that day would come sooner than she thought.
The ceremony lasted two hours and after the sun had set the party dispersed. The monks remained in the temple. The happy couple went to their living quarters and made their first joint decision as a married couple, Pon told his mother and the rest of the family what they intended to do. A tearful Banti hugged her son and whispered “I told you Buddha would take care of his brave warrior” she hugged Kim and wished them both a safe journey. She then looked at her son and asked if everything was alright, she had been concerned about something she had noticed about Pon all the way through the ceremony,
“Yes, I am fine mother and I will see you in a few days” replied Pon embarrassed, but amazed again by his mother’s awareness of him, she was a wise person that was for sure. Mr. and Mrs. Meesilli left their quarters and went to Taksin’s office, who had been expecting them.
“Enjoy your honeymoon” said Taksin and handed Pon a parcel.
“Give them my regards” he added and wai’d the couple.
Thirty minutes later the happy couple canoodled in the back of a limousine speeding down route 7. Pon still in his defender of the monarchy white uniform and Kim, still in her traditional Thai wedding attire.
****
Stu and Spock arrived at Pattaya in the limousine just after 1pm. The car pulled into the car park of the Sawasdee hotel and unloaded the lad’s belongings. They asked the driver to wait, so they could show Dao and Moo how they had arrived in style after their dangerous mission. They went to their rooms. Both the girls were asleep in Stus room, Dao, and the eyebrow challenged ‘Goythead’ Moo.
They jumped up when the lads entered, smiled, got out of bed and went over to kiss the lads, who immediately herded them to the window and looked out, onto an empty car park.
“He’s disappeared, the git” said Stu.
They had not spoke to the driver during the journey and every time they’d asked him something, he’d smiled knowingly, so they assumed that royal protocol meant that he couldn’t speak to the passengers. It had never occurred to them that the driver didn’t understand a dickey bird of English and when they asked him to wait, he just smiled, and once the lads had got into the elevator, he drove away, his job was done.
Dao and Moo looked at Spock and Stu unconvinced, even with the lads pointing, cursing and making gestures to highlight the fact that there was a royal Limo outside.
Deflated, they sat down Dao and Moo on the bed and told them the story of how they had bravely fought off invading jungle armies and hordes of cut throat, knife wielding natives in the dangerous snake infested Cambodian jungles and how, in the end, they’d prevailed victorious and had retrieved the relic. (Well they couldn’t say they went on holiday, had a great time and came back without actually remembering doing bugger all. Now could they?)
The girls listened intently to their brave soldier’s accounts and, after they had finished their tale the room went silent. The girls took in the facts as the two lads gloated and pointed to their faded bruises for effect.
It was Moo that broke the silence, by shouting,
“What a load of old bollocks!”
A stunned Stu turned to face Spock,
“You taught her that as well?” said Stu.
“Yep,” said a proud Spock “that’s my girl!”
The four burst out laughing and when the girls suggested that they wanted to go to eat. Stu and Spock told them they had already eaten with the King. The girls replied in unison,
“What a load of old bollocks!” This brought more laughter to the room, and Spock mentioned what a quick learner Dao was.
Thirty minutes later they left their rooms. The lads wore swimming trunks and the girls dressed in jeans and t-shirts. The girls went to eat, while the lads went to the hotel pool to find someone who would listen to their tales of adventure.
They returned to their rooms around 4pm after spending a lazy afternoon playing around the pool. They decided to have a shag and watch TV for a few hours, eat something and then go out on the town. The girls decided to return after they had eaten and stay in the room, as Spock and Stu announced that they wanted to go watch the boxing on walking street again, the girls knew this would be just another embarrassment, so they told them to go alone. They stayed in their rooms the rest of the afternoon, watched TV, and periodically get a quickie in, if the TV movie was crap. They only had a week remaining of their holiday and, as usual the last week was always a sullen time for the lads, it was the downhill part of their holiday and they had already wasted most of it.
****
Nick meanwhile, had been having a great time after all the travelling that he had done to escape Siem Reap, although he always looked over his shoulder.
He had realised he had forgotten his valuables approximately 30 minutes from Phnom Penh, so he had the angry driver turn around and go back to Siem Reap. He quickly ran into the hotel, recovered his belongings from the hotel safe and paid the taxi $300 which cheered up the tired driver. They then set off, once again to Phnom Penh
Nick having already spent a fortune on taxi fare decided to catch the bus to Sihanoukville.
A happy Nick spent his time in Sihanoukville with Shanti, lazing over on Bamboo Island.
He decided to stay there; it felt safe, romantic and tranquil.
It had taken Nick a few days to convince Shanti to stay with him. Shanti previously had caught the boat every day to the island at 10am, but always returned to the mainland for her work at 5pm.
Shanti and Nick had only kissed for the first few days, until a few days before he had to return to the UK. Shanti went to the island as usual in the morning, but brought with her a small bag, with a change of clothes and some toiletries. Nick was overjoyed to see her get off the boat and even more so when he saw her bag and she said that she would stay, but no hanky panky. Nick happily agreed and that night, after the generator on the island went off, they both lay in a hammock on the balcony of their bungalow and listened to the lapping ocean waves and the stars twinkle. Shanti kissed Nick and whispered
“If we do anything tonight don’t tell anybody.”
He readily agreed and knew if something happened with Shanti, he would spend the rest of his life with her, although realised that it could be short, if he kept running into Spock and Stu. Shanti loved Nick’s vulnerability.
That evening was the best night of passion that Nick wouldn’t forget for a very long time, he felt that he had made love, instead of just boom-boom. In the morning they stayed in bed until the afternoon and then snorkelled together around the bay, keeping away from the other tourists, so they could get in an aqua shag. They caught the afternoon boat back to the mainland and stayed at the Coasters resort. They ate and enjoyed a few bottles of wine, but most of all enjoyed each moment together.
Nick caught the morning bus to Phnom Penh airport. Shanti went along with him to the bus station, to say a tearful farewell. She wiped the tears away from his cheeks and Nick, the Jack the lad builder’s labourer from Brighton and owner of the world’s most worshipped ceramic teeth, got on the bus and, with tears still flowing down his face waved his love goodbye. He would return.
****
Spock, Stu Dao and Moo arranged to go out at 8pm they all showered and got ready. The lads told the girls they would treat them to a no expense spared meal at a K.F.C. At 7:55pm there came a knock on Stu’s door,
“Hang on matey, we will be five minutes” hollered Stu.
The knocking continued. Dao answered the door and smiled, bowed, wai-ed and started chatting in Thai. Stu came to the door and opened it fully to see what the commotion was.
Stu laughed and said “well don’t you two look smart,” and hugged Pon and Kim
“What’s all the bloody noise?” said Spock opening his door and wandering into the corridor.
“The heads, shit and goyt!” He joyfully shouted and went over to hug Kim and clip Pon.
Pon smiled “Mr & Mrs Meesilli now,” he smirked, which brought another, either hug or clip , and when Pon enquired what had happened to Moo’s eyebrow, she gave Spock a contemptuous stare.
Pon explained about Kim and rushed marriage and told the group that they wanted to spend their first night together as man and wife with their brothers and sisters, told them that he had something special for them.
He took Spock and Stu to one side and told them he had a little problem that he felt his two brothers could advise him on later. Spock and Stu became intrigued.
“Glad to see that you have got rid of that stupid mullet” said Stu.
Pon smiled and reached into his bag.
He produced a small package, opened it and handed a Thai passport to Dao and one to Moo.
They looked in the pages and there it was, the Holy Grail, a UK tourist visa.
“You little beauty!” said Stu and put his arms around Pons shoulder. Pon then gave them four first class tickets on Thai airways with open return seats, so they could extend their holiday, neither Stu nor Spock had been on any time schedules. Stu had his own business so his time was his own and Spock didn’t really give a shit if they sacked him from his dustbin man’s job, he was fed up with that anyway and Stu said that he would employ Spock, but he knew Stu wouldn’t pay much. The four jumped up and down with joy and Kim and Pon joined in, Kim enjoyed her new life already.
Pon reached into his bag again and produced a hat, which looked similar to Spock’s old one, but with the Thai royal emblem skilfully stitched to the front. Spock tried it on.
“Fits perfect, Thanks matey!”
Dao, Moo and Stu cringed, the twat in the hat had returned.
Pon gave a blue ornament to Stu. The sapphire had an elephant skilfully carved into it.
“Thanks matey that will go nicely with my red one,”
“I will tell mum that this is a priceless sapphire and she can put it in Pearls treasure box’ announced Stu, who once again didn’t realise that it was indeed a flawless 96 carat sapphire worth a fortune.
The lads told the couple of their plans for the evening, but knew that Pon and Kim would want to enjoy their marital nuptials, so they arranged to see them tomorrow.
“Wait my brothers, I would like to discuss something in private with you,” said Pon and they went into Stu’s room, who whispered to Spock,
“He hadn’t had much experience of sex before, and Kim will be a virgin, so he probably wants to ask us about the birds and bees.”
“And who better to advise him,” sniggered Spock.
Pon asked the lads to sit on the bed and he stood in front of them, undid his tunic trousers, turned around, and pulled down his pants exposing his rear end.
“Wooah!!” exclaimed Spock “hold on there bald eagle, you have a lot to learn.”
“Easy tiger,” said Stu.
“Look,” said an agitated Pon pointing at his backside.
The lads stared at Pons backside and noticed a narrow flap of skin growing from the base of his spine and ran between his butt cheeks for about six inches.
“That looks like Chunky’s docked tail, but bald” announced Stu pointing at the proboscis. The tail popped up and Pon cried out,
“look! Is this normal?” and just like old Chunky’s stump, the tail started to wag from side to side.
Stu and Spock looked at the wagging tail of their friend. Pon explained it started growing in the car from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh and he was concerned, it didn’t look normal. Although, it only hurt when he sat on it,
The lads where aghast and when Pon pulled up his trousers. Spock broke the silence, seeing Pon concerned and not wanting to alarm him, said,
“Yep, perfectly normal matey.”
“Yep,” agreed Stu “normal at your age, maybe all the excitement had brought it on,” he then went on to mention “but don’t be too concerned it would probably disappear” and to reassure him added, “it was a fine looking tail and Kim would love it.”
Pon now relieved, wai-ed his lying brothers and started to walked outside to take Kim to the room that he had booked next to Spock’s.
He then took something black and furry out of his bag.
The lads, now crimson and their mouths quivered, as Pon left the room and closed the door.
Spock and Stu burst into uncontrollable laughter, at Norman Rumble Juniors revenge.
Spock and Stu had a change of plan and went out to fetch back two K.F.C’s for the girls and some wine cooler. With all the excitement they decided to go out on the piss and brag how easy it had been getting a visa for UK. The girls, happy to stay in the room and phone around their family and friends to brag, so it would be a long night
Spock and Stu arrived back 30 minutes later laden with KFC's and bottles of wine cooler. They went into Spock’s room, where the girls were already in mid-yap. The lads checked the Listerine supplies as they knew they were in for a good night when they came home.
They kissed the girls who chomped into chicken drumsticks and left the room. They walked towards the elevator, a smiling Pon opened his room door and shouted,
“Wait my brothers!”
Pon went back into his room, brought a smiling Kim out and gently shoved her into Spock’s room with the girls.
“Where shall we go?” Pon asked
The two lads looked at the smug face of Pon and Stu said,
“Why are you wearing that stupid wig again?”
“Kim likes it,” he said and smiled proudly.
“And the tail?” asked Spock
“Oh she really liked that” cooed Pon
“How come you’re allowed out on your wedding night?” Stu enquired.
Pon chuckled “I told my wife that it was an English tradition, after making love on the wedding night, it was customary to go out with your brothers and announce to the world that you are married and your wife is no longer cherry.”
“Good lad, your learning” said Stu, as they got into the elevator and chatted about the thirty seconds that it had taken Pon to consummate with Kim.
Pon told them he would do it again when they returned home, but he felt that with a few non alcoholic Heinekens, he could perform better. Spock and Stu got out of the elevator and Spock ordered Pon
“Walkies” and “come to heel,” and whistled, which Pon didn’t quite understand
“Change of plan,” announced Spock and nodded to Stu
“Change of plan matey,” agreed Stu and they left the Sawasdee Hotel, swaggered into the night like Wyatt and Virgil Earp, along with their faithful old hound, Shithead. They jumped onto a baht bus and got off at the top of Soi 6 and walked into the first bar of happy wailing muggers.
IT ENDED WHERE IT BEGAN