"I’m going in squadron leader, bandits 12 o’clock high” said Stu, in a well spoken English from the annals of a World War air ace accent, as his head went down toward a familiar black triangle with his tongue out ready to please Dao. He was stopped mid way down by a slap across his ears.
“Don’t yap, just work” exclaimed a perturbed, but horny Dao.
Stu continued on to Dao’s moist pink chalice and tasted her nectar. Now on the first day back of his third visit to the land that he now called home, he was pleasing the woman he now knew as the love of his life and the woman he intended to spend the rest of his life with.
Spock, also getting up to similar antics in the adjacent room at the Sawasdee hotel, with his little angel Moo, also happy to be back in Thailand with the woman who he now endearingly called ‘ little shit.’
It was now May and the lads had saved their money for this third visit to Thailand. They had previously spent a fortnight there during March, but it didn’t seem as magical or adventurous as their first visit, and they had almost missed their flight out, due to having to get Nick some medical attention at the airport. They again returned to UK depressed, and after a few hours of arriving home went to the travel agents and booked another flight. While in the UK they had phoned the girls daily, which had left them yearning more to go back there to be with them
Both Stu and Spock had mellowed since they’d been going to Thailand. Spock had even been kind to Chunky, Stu’s faithful old boxer bitch, and had willingly shared his bars of chocolate with the bemused animal that previously had to steal them off his table. Stu’s mum, Pearl, had seen her son turn into a right gooey Jessie, who spoke constantly about Dao and how he wanted to bring her to meet Pearl;
“you’ll love her mum” and despite the fact Dao could hardly speak English, Stu convinced his mum they could sit and chat all day and compare treasures, as Stu referred to the ornaments Pon had given them. The carved, flawless ruby had been kept in Pearls ‘treasure box’ as she used to fondly refer to the small wooden box made by Stu in woodwork class when he was 12. It had become a handy home for all the junk that Stu had given his mum over the years.
“Well, bring her over then son,” Pearl would say.
“Can’t get a bloody visa,” Stu would grumble, “too difficult and we haven’t been together long enough, but Spock and I will try again next time”.
They had tried to contact Nick several times by telephone, but they only got to speak to his sister who, when she realised who it was, became very nervous and agitated and, one time when Stu announced “Its Stu here, Nick’s mate from Thailand, is he there?
Stu was certain that he’d heard a panicked yelp in the background, followed by the sound of wood breaking and a groan of pain,
Stu put this down to the television.
Stu and Spock decided not to try to contact Nick again and thought they might run into him in Pattaya.
Nick however, had other plans, and after Stu’s phone call, where he subsequently fell off the kitchen stool and cracked his head on his sister’s oven, decided that Pattaya was too dangerous, so therefore decided to go somewhere different. He had friends who had visited Cambodia and said that they’d had a great time, so he decided to try there and booked a flight for May 3rd to Phnom Penh, the capital city.
Now shagged and showered, Spock, Stu, Dao and Moo decided they should go out and have a bite to eat. They met in the reception of the Sawasdee and Stu announced.
“Tonight girls we will eat steak”.
They had heard about a small restaurant located at the top of Walking Street, which had the reputation of serving the best Kobe steak in Thailand and, after finding out what Kobe steak was, and the usual price elsewhere in the world, they decided to splash out 450baht and try some.
They left the hotel and got on a baht bus and travelled around the one way system and alighted at the bottom of Walking Street.
Walking street is a large street closed to traffic, on either side there are large bars, discos and go-go bars and the most concentration of entertainment establishments in Pattaya.
They had just entered the street when Spock noticed a large complex filled with small bars, at the centre stood a boxing ring where two Muay Thai fighters were exchanging blows. The customers cheered when a fighter landed a punch or a kick.
“Shall we go have a look after we finish eating matey?” Spock Stu
“Good idea,” said Sty
They continued walking toward the restaurant and something in one of the shops caught Spock’s eye.
“Hang on a minute,” he said and went into the shop and returned several minutes later, much to the bemusement of the other three, wearing a hat, which looked like something the Australian soldiers wore for jungle warfare.
“I’ve been looking for one of these for ages, look” he said you can put the sides up or down” he removed the hat and folded one side up and popped in the press-stud, and then replacing it on his head announced, “Errol Flynn. . . , what do you think?” He said with cheery grin
Dao, Moo and Stu all agreed he looked like an absolute twat.
Undaunted Spock mumbled,
“Well I like it” and he sauntered off in the direction of the restaurant as the other three followed far behind, so nobody would think they were with the ‘twat in the hat’.
They entered Tranquillity, a small but plush restaurant and they were led to a small four seat table and sat down, Spock removed his hat.
“Right,” said Stu, “we will start with two beers and two fruit based drinks for the ladies.”
“Coke” announced Dao and Moo ordered a beer
Spock and Stu ordered two Kobe steaks with Rockford cheese in the centre and the girls, as usual, wanted fried rice. However when their meals came, Dao tried the delicious steak and ordered a plate for her and Moo to share. They agreed that it was the best steak the lads had tasted, plumb, juicy and served just how they liked it, one medium, one well done, it just melted in their mouths, with the cheese in the centre exploding with a tangy sensation, which left them enjoying every fork full.
Now fed and happy, they wandered onto walking street and into the boxing bars. They positioned themselves at a small bar directly in front of the ring and ordered three beers and a wine cooler and then settled down to watch the boxing. After 30 minutes, the ring announcer asked the audience if anyone would like to try their luck against a Thai boxer.
Moo volunteered Spock, who looked confused, but not wanting to embarrass himself, decided to give it a try. He removed his daft hat and handed it to Moo, for safe keeping and he entered the ring to roaring cheers, mainly from Stu Dao and Moo. Spock went to the centre of the ring and faced a small Thai boxer.
‘They want me to fight this toothpick’ thought Spock.
They had given Spock the largest boxing gloves they had, but although still too small for his large clubbing maulers, he squeezed into them and the bell sounded to start the fight. Toothpick man became like a small whirling dervish, as he rounded on Spock and rained down high-kicks, elbows and fists against Spock’s chest, which was about as high as he could reach. Spock, shaken by this flurry, tried a wild swing that the fighter easily avoided and punched Spock in his gut, bringing a gasp to Spock and another sound, familiar with his usual trick. Again, Spock swung wildly, but the Thai moved to his right and moved behind Spock. This move was a terrible mistake, as the Thai’s face came level with Spocks arse. A large, hair blowing methane gas deposit, erupted from Spock’s sphincter, full into the face of the horrified toothpick.
The fighter got a face full of this deadly mixture, he coughed and spluttered in a vain attempt to expel this foul odour.
Spock swung around and bought his fist down like a hammer on the head of the Thai. The stunned boxer looked at Spock, smiled and then fell face down unconscious.
A loud cheer came up from all the foreigners present. The Thai ring announcer and trainer rushed into the ring to check the fallen and cyanosed fighter, followed by the complex manager, and herded Spock, who now stomped around the ring in a victory march, out of the ring. Spock returned to his seat and recovered his hat from Moo. The trainer led his still dazed fighter out of the ring, shouting obscenities at Spock in Thai, and Moo shouted and screamed back at him. Moo then turned to Spock
“Man speaks no good, say you cheat”.
Stu, amused by all this, turned to his old friend and said “Cheese and Singha beer mate?”
“Yep” replied Spock “lethal mix” and to prove a point, Spock let rip again.
“Nasty,” grimaced Stu, getting a whiff.
Dao and Moo also got a nostril full and they got off their seats and started to move away.
“Go take a dump” said an unimpressed Moo as she headed off around the other side of the bar.
Still amused, Stu turned to Spock.
“Moo’s English seems to be getting better mate”.
“Yep,” said Spock, “you should hear what else I’ve been teaching her.”
“I can guess” replied Stu as the two lads carried on nonchalantly drinking their beer.
The four returned to the hotel around 1 am and, after replenishing their beer, whisky and the girls Listerine mouthwash supplies, decided to have an early night and plan what to do the next day.
Dao woke Stu early the next morning.
“Somebody knock on door.”
“What?” said Stu, still half asleep.
“Somebody knock on door.” repeated Dao.
Stu got out of bed and slipped on his shorts, grumbling under his breath,
“If it is a bloody cleaner screeching, ‘clean loom, clean loom’ there would be an arse kicking coming in the vicinity of room 114.
There came another knock.
“Wait stupid, I’m coming” growled Stu as he swung open the door.
His face turned from anger to a large smile and he chuckled.
“Hello mate,” he said, “What brings you here?” he looked at his watch, scowled, and then growled
“At 6 bloody 30 in the morning.”