Six

Toby was keen to go to a new fetish club that the Jays had told him about where everyone dressed up in rubber, leather or ‘Goth’ gear. He had no strong leanings towards any of those things as far as I knew, but it was somewhere new and different. He said black jeans and T-shirt, with a little macabre touch such as skull and crossbones earrings or exaggerated black eye shadow, would do as minimal costume.

I thought the club might be a good laugh, and at least it would be a change from his usual dive. For my token fetish touch I bought two push-on vampire teeth from a fancy dress shop. They were just right, not grotesquely large, but protruding over my lower lip enough to be noticed. Wearing them I stole up on Dale when he was combing his hair in the bathroom. He looked at me in the mirror, puzzled, and I opened my mouth wide and made as thought to bite his neck. ‘Do you know,’ he said, unperturbed by my plastic fangs, ‘that mirrors do not reflect the image of vampires? It’s a well-known non-fact.’

‘A well-known non-fact?’
‘Nothing to do with people turning into vampires is fact, is it?’
‘Will you still think that after I’ve bitten you?’
‘Please don’t, this is a clean shirt. You look good though… I’m not being ironic… a hint of danger

I told him about the new club. At first he seemed interested, but was put off on hearing that Toby and the Jays were going. Otherwise he might have let me drag him along. He was tired anyway from working even later than usual on a reorganization in the out-patient clinics. Going with him to the Give and Take for half an hour might have cheered him up, but it was too late to change my arrangement with Toby and the Jays. Reluctantly I left him to watch television, or find relief in his erotic computer game.

On reaching Toby’s flat I regretted leaving Dale on his own more than ever. Toby opened the door wearing a leather kilt, black eye-shadow and black lipstick. I felt obliged to say the effect was fantastic. He clearly thought that it was wonderful, but twirling around in his stupid kilt, his face made ugly by grotesque make-up, to me he looked awful. My usual pride over being with someone so attractive would have to be suspended that night. Increasingly, what other people thought was unimportant. Whether we were happy or miserable depended ultimately on the two of us. For me the fetish club was a sideshow, an hour or two’s potentially amusing distraction. For him it was evidently a big event, worth a lot of preparation.

Used to being able to have pretty well anyone he wanted, he was always self-confidant. He pushed me onto the sofa and said, ‘Fuck me, those teeth do something for you. We’ve got time before we go. You can give me a thrill right now.’

‘Oh, yeah, don’t mess that up, be careful.’ He grabbed my hand and put it under his kilt, but as he did his phone rang. He could never resist answering it straight away. After listening for a few moments he said, ‘Yes, but we don’t need to rush, do we…What?…Oh, okay.’ He ended the call. ‘Sorry, sexy. The Jays are on their way in a taxi. They’re at the corner of the road.’

Like Toby, they had dressed up far more than me. Each wore a tight-fitting black latex top. His had a hood that, pulled up, covered his head except for his eyes, nose and mouth; her top had ribbed bra cups, very low at the front, exposing the upper surface of her breasts and revealing her nipples. ‘You’ll do,’ she said to Toby. They’ll all be wondering what you’ve got on under that kilt. But what about him? Where does he think he’s going? His aunty’s Hallowe’en party? Come here.’ She took a stick of face paint from her handbag and told me to sit down. I submitted to having black lines painted on my cheeks and forehead. They had let their cab go, so Toby phoned for another to take us to the club. God knows what the driver must have thought as we climbed in.

When we descended the steps to the fetish bar we found only half a dozen others. Four were wearing black clothes that might have come from any high street shop; only two were in fetish gear, a man wearing a long black priest’s robe, and a woman in rubber trousers with oval openings at the back that exposed half her buttocks. All had improbably black hair. Behind the bar was a mural of a moonlit Gothic ruin surrounded by bats and howling wolves. Cocktails on promotion included a sweet, gooey green liquid called triffid juice, and a purple concoction called viper’s blood.

Shortly after we sat down, Jayde took a box from her bag with the words A Gift for You written on it and handed it to me. ‘Here you are Ben,’ she said, unusually sweetly. ‘We spotted this in a novelty shop and thought you’d like it.’ She had no reason to give me a present, and holding it at arm’s length I suspiciously tugged at a flap in the wrapping on the side. With a startling whooping sound, a three foot black balloon in the shape of a phallus rose into the air in front of me. Everyone else in the bar saw what I was holding and fell around laughing.

Concealing my embarrassment and indignation, I laughed too, pretending to find the huge dick funny, and said loudly, ‘Just what I’ve always wanted.’ In a different situation I might have thought the prank funny, but in that place, in front of strangers I felt that she had humiliated me.

Jake read my true feelings and said, ‘Sorry mate.’ He took the balloon from me and tugged at something inside to deflate it. He patted my knee and said, ‘It’s just a joke, let it go. Tell you what, come and dance with me.’

‘Come on, who’s going to worry about that? That bloke in the black frock, or that woman with her arse hanging out?’
Toby wanted to check out the group at the bar and said, ‘Go on Ben, let’s see how you and Jake move together. Have a try at making me jealous.’
The music, more like screams of aggression than a song, was hard to dance to. Jake pulled me to him and said, ‘Let’s take up his challenge… try and make him jealous, what d’you say?’
‘You might be the one who should worry about being jealous. The other night Toby told me he was bisexual. Maybe he fancies Jayde.’
‘Everyone’s supposed to be a bit bi, aren’t they? Including me, in case you’re wondering. See Toby and that bloke now, is he chatting him up? It’s nice to have a change, sometimes, isn’t it? Loosen up, Ben, don’t be inhibited. Take an ‘E’ to help you get into it. You don’t want to miss out.’
My guess was that Toby was more likely to be selling pills to the man at the bar, not chatting him up. The music of drum beats and relentless screams ended, and I broke away from Jake’s arms. We went back to the table, where Jayde hurriedly finished talking to someone on her phone. ‘You two were dancing very close.’ she said. ‘You on the turn, Jake?’
‘What of it? Suppose he is someone I could go for?’
She laughed. ‘Oh, get you. You’ll be painting your nails next. Come and have a dance with me now, Ben. Ought to be turn and turn about, if that’s how it’s going to be.’
‘Yeah, go on,’ he said, ‘I’ll get in the drinks.’
While Jayde and I danced, I saw him speak briefly to Toby at the bar. The music improved; she moved well, showing a good sense of rhythm, but we did not dance close. When we rejoined Jake there were only three drinks on the table.
‘I take it Toby’s found other interests,’ I said.
‘You’re all right with us,’ Jake answered, ‘don’t bother about him. What do you think of the place?’
‘Never been anywhere like this before, I’ll give it that. Not many people in, though.’
‘Quiet night. Seen anything you like?’
‘Do I fancy anyone here, you mean? Not really.’
Halfway through the beer Jake had bought for me I began to feel extraordinarily tired. The Jays tried to get me up to dance again, but my leg muscles would not work properly and I sank back into the seat. They sounded odd, as though they were talking to me from a long distance away, and I could not make out what they were saying.
A little later Toby came over, lifted my head up, leaned over me and said in my ear, ‘Ben, mate, you’re all in. Jayde and Jake are going to take you back to the flat now, I’ve got a couple of things to do. You like Jake, don’t you? He likes you. So does Jayde. Just go back with them, they’ll see you’re okay. I’ll catch up with you later.’
My recollection of what happened after that is unclear. They must have walked me out of the club and pushed me into a taxi. Toby must have given them the keys to his flat, for I remember going in and Jayde wiping my face clean of make-up. They put me to bed, and got in with me. They did not force themselves on me, I lacked the will to refuse what they wanted me to do. It was as though the conscious, thinking, normal me was suspended and only a kind of physical, sex-toy version of me remained. I was dimly aware that I had been drugged, and this chemically modified ‘me’ responded to what was demanded of it, shifting from one position to another, and thrusting this way or that as required.

The next morning I woke alone in Toby’s bed. My private parts were tender, leaving no question that sex had taken place. My Dracula teeth were missing. A hangover, like the after-effects of being hit hard on the head, seared my brain. A message on my mobile phone from Toby said he would be out for the day until late. The effort of reading his few words made my head pound. Finding my clothes and dressing made me feel nauseous. Recovering from that night took me all day.

Except for leaving the message on my phone, Toby did not contact me again, nor I him. Jake, however, sent me a couple of friendly messages, which I ignored. Then he rang me at work a couple of days later. Jeremy was in the shop, making it difficult for to me tell him how disgusted I was with him, and with Jayde. What I truly wanted was for the excruciating memory of being in bed with them in Toby’s flat to fade as quickly as possible. He was determined to meet me, and intending to let him know my feelings I agreed to meet him the next day at lunchtime. It was a sunny day and we took sandwiches to the park nearby. He must have noticed my stern expression, for straight away he said, ‘I get the feeling you’re not too happy.’

‘Why not? Because Toby’s went off and left you with us?’ He waited for my response, but getting only a hostile glare said, ‘Do you think he saves himself for you?’
‘No, it’s so easy for him to get anyone he wants. I did think of him as my boyfriend, even so.’
‘He’s the same as he’s always been. Okay, let’s say he’s your boyfriend, but other than that he’s the same old Toby, he goes with anyone he fancies. Ask yourself what’s so special about him? He’s got the looks, but what else? You know that he’s screwing your flatmate?’
Those words ‘he’s screwing your flatmate’ were like a smack in the face. I had assumed that he was picking other guys up, but not that he had seen Dale again. Trying, but failing, to hide my incredulity, I said, ‘You seem to know a lot about it.’
‘I’m in the flat upstairs. I’ve seen them together. Toby hasn’t exactly been hiding what’s going on, except from you. He plays games, he’s showing off, proving he can get anyone to do whatever he wants. He boasted to me you didn’t have a clue about him and Dale. He was the one who suggested Jayde and I give you a threesome to bring you out of yourself more. You acted as if you were enjoying it all right. We certainly did.’
We sat in silence for more than a minute. He shuffled his feet and sighed. ‘Oh fuck. That isn’t what I wanted to say to you at all. You must think I’m as big a shit as Toby is. The thing is Ben, I really do like you. I’ve never seriously gone for guys before. Toby and I tried it once, but it did nothing for me, it was going through the motions… an effort, probably, for him too. Once with a kid at school… I slept over at his house, we played around. Kids fool around with their mates a bit, don’t they? With you it’s completely different. You’ve got to me, really got to me. Understand what I’m saying?’
Jake was not unattractive, and he could be good company, but I had never thought of him as someone to sleep with. To me he and Jayde were a straight couple. Some people, for all sorts of reasons, you do not think of in a sexual kind of way. Did he assume that, simply because he fancied me, I ought to have sex with him? I had never done anything to encourage him.
‘Sorry, this is too much for me. Half an hour ago my impression was that Toby was my boyfriend, to some extent anyway, Dale was my flatmate, and you and Jayde were a fun-loving straight couple who never knew when to say no. Now you tell me none of it is true. Jayde is your girlfriend, your partner… isn’t she?’
‘Wise up, Ben. Lots of people have open relationships. Think about what I said. It would be different with me, not like it is with Toby. I’ve got respect for you. You’d be someone special. We could have fun together, the two of us. Why not? Everyone else does.’
Who the hell was he to tell me how to live my life? Despite being angry, and dazed by what he had said about Toby and Dale, for him to say he fancied me was flattering. But what was he after? To have me as a bit of gay fun on the side while he continued with Jayde as before, neither of us ever to feel jealous or possessive? He evidently had no inkling of anything being wrong with what they had done to me the other night. Anyway, I wanted someone who cared about me, who would be there when life got tough. I said, ‘You think I’m likely to want a relationship, after you doped me in that fetish club and did what you did?’
‘We were helping you get rid of your inhibitions.’
‘That’s not how I see it.’
‘We gave you a good time. All right, you’re not happy about it now, so obviously we went too far. Give it a few more days. You might see it differently. How will you find out what you like if you never try anything new?’
‘What I try or don’t try is not up to you. Until the other night I was beginning to think of you as a friend.’
We walked in silence back to the park gates, parting with barely another word. I dreaded facing Dale. Jake would hardly have made up the story about Toby and him. Given the ease with which the Jays and Toby hopped into bed with anyone they fancied, to be jealous would be silly, but how could Dale have let me talk of Toby as my boyfriend, and have said nothing about what they were up to?
That evening, when I got back to the flat, Dale was in the kitchen peeling vegetables. ‘Can we talk?’ I asked.
He turned to face me. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘You don’t know?’
‘Toby?’
‘Toby and you.’
‘Okay, okay, you’re right to be…I’m not going to lie to you. Let’s go and sit in the lounge. It might help if we had a drink.’
He poured two large vodkas and we sat facing each other. ‘So,’ I said, surprised by my own selfcontrol, ‘you’ve been seeing Toby.’
‘I have to admit it’s true. I’m sorry. You must think I’m a total bastard. This is going to sound like a load of excuses, but what happened is… do you remember that first night when I saw you at the bar with him at the Give and Take? I hadn’t slept with anyone for nearly a year, and had been building myself up to do something about it, and there he was, a terrific-looking guy coming on to me. I grabbed the chance and, well, picked him up, or let him pick me up, whichever. I should have known better, he’s not… I didn’t contact him again, and when you told me you were keen on him, and you wanted him to be your boyfriend, I thought, well, good luck, hope things work out for you, I’ll stay out of the way.
‘Unfortunately, I’d given him my number that first night, and one day he rang me, saying he had to see me about something. I thought he must want to talk to me about how things were with you. He asked me not to tell you we were meeting. When we met he had nothing much to say, but he came on to me again. I can’t really claim that he forced me into it. I should have said no, but… I was in the wrong. He was so hard to resist.
‘Afterwards I felt guilty. Next time he rang I said no. The thing is he wouldn’t let it go, he threatened to drop you, and to upset everything by telling you about his second time with me. So I agreed to see him again, and said nothing to you.’ He took a gulp from his glass, reached over to the one I was holding, and pushed it up to my lips to make me drink too. ‘I should have stood up to him. Perhaps I didn’t have the courage. The better part of me was hoping he would get tired of me, and then the problem would solve itself.’
My anger towards him had pretty well drained away. I said calmly, ‘Even so you should have told me. You lied to me and helped him make a bloody idiot out of me.’
‘How did you find out?’
‘Jake knew. He told me. Can you imagine what hearing it from him was like?’
‘I knew whatever I said it would sound like excuses. Toby’s so attractive, he makes you feel… It was physical, nothing more. Please, Ben, don’t hate me for it. The dishonesty is over now. Whatever you think of me, please believe I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you. You know I think the world of you.’
How could I believe anything he said ever again? Having owned up and said he was sorry, he rubbed his hand up and down my thigh. Did he really think that would get him anywhere? He looked utterly miserable, the way he had the first time we met when I turned down sharing the flat with him. He had been in the wrong, but he had said he was sorry. What good would having a go at him do? What he needed was someone to comfort him. I did, too.