The God botherers were here the other day. Saturday bloody morning. I was just enjoying a cup of tea and a nutritious fag when a couple knocked on the front door. I opened it to have a garish magazine thrust in my face. ‘How was the Universe created’ it said on the front, surrounded by a picture of stars and planets.
I really wished my partner had been at home so he could have explained the concept of nuclear particle fusion or whatever it is….I’m not sure of the ins and out’s of it but it’s a damn sight more credible that
‘God made it’…… ‘Mum, what’s that big crap in the middle of that field’… ‘God made it’ ….. ‘Why’ve I got piles hanging out of my arse?’ .. ‘God made them’. I could go on but I think you get the point. I sent them away and watched them go in nextdoor for a cup of tea. The looks on their faces, it was as if they’d just secured a hard sell, little do they know the guy next-door’s a fucking moron. Good, intrusive little shits. They came round the next week too. ‘Have you got a copy of our magazine, it’s good family 15
reading, lots of interesting articles’…. My reply was this, ‘Is it Christian Literature?’… ‘Yes’.. ‘You were here last week, I didn’t want one’. ‘Do you want one now?’ What did they expect me to say? That in the space of a week I’d changed my whole fucking system of values. ‘No, Fuck off’. Actually I didn’t say that. I wished I had though and I think they knew I was thinking it which was good enough for me. Go back to church and sing hymns and eat each other’s homemade bourbon biscuits. Leave the rest of us to shrivel up and die, at least we’ll probably have a bit of fun doing it. I know, I know, I’m being a bit cruel…but they fucking drove me to it…..all I wanted was a cup of tea and a fucking cigarette.