I went to see Phantom of the Opera with a wonderful man once. It wasn’t the right relationship and it didn’t last but it was happy. It was happy because we knew it wasn’t permanent and we made the most of it. He was my toy boy for a while. Selfish again really, on my part. I think we were both a bit lonely and we just fell into something. No regrets. I don’t think I have any regrets about anything. No, that’s not true.
Can people please stop talking about money when I can’t pay the rent. Sat in an office where the main topic of conversation is how much money everyone’s got, when you are fighting off the tears because you know full well it’s only a week or so before you have your gas cut off and the landlord’s knocking on the door saying he can’t understand it but he can’t seem to locate your rent check. People moaning that they have no money but what they really mean is they can’t afford a new widescreen telly or they can only just afford that new car they’ve seen and god forbid, there will only be a little bit left over after the weekly clothing shop.
People don’t mean it. They just don’t think. That’s just the trouble. People should think. It would do them good.
Family outings. One day I dressed as a slag, got hopelessly drunk and talked nonsense to everyone, unintentionally making myself out to be a thick bitch.
The sad thing was, I think my family preferred me. I don’t know why I did it, I guess it was a sort of experiment. If I lived in America I would be a prime candidate for therapy. One fucked up person listening 91
to another fucked up person. Definitely the way to cure society’s ills.
I’ve got eye strain. I’m concentrating but on what I can’t be sure. I’m working but my mind is ahead of me. What I’m doing later. What else in my head I need to write down. How much longer I can get free food out of people. My head hurts. I want to find a dark place and sleep. Maybe if I went outside and screamed, the thoughts would go away. Unfortunately we can’t all do that. Imagine the noise if we did.
Could be fun.