How much of my mind was pre-determined when I was born? The two extremes of the argument are the
‘Tabula Rasa’ argument – our minds are a blank slate on which the environment will write on – or the theory that most of what we know, think and feel was already mapped in the mind before we were born or at least the structures were all in place. I’m not quite sure which viewpoint I favour although like the majority of people I think it is a combination of both.
Psychologists will debate for a long time about what percentage belongs to each category of research.
In basic terms it is a curious idea to contemplate. I’m one of those people who doesn’t remember much about being a child. No, I haven’t blocked it from memory because I didn’t enjoy my childhood. Quite the opposite, I had fun, well, what I can remember of it anyway. It’s not just childhood memories either. I don’t remember films I’ve watched and maybe watch the first half of them before I realize I’ve seen them before. I have friends on the other hand who remember everything, details about their third birthday for example, or an obscure actor’s name in a film they saw years ago. This sometimes concerns me.
I didn’t know I had a bad memory until I spoke to others. Yet was I predisposed to have a poor memory or was it something I developed over time? The mind 163
is a vast entity when you stop and think. Yes, my memory is crap in terms of my way of thinking but I guess in reality that is a huge overstatement. Simply because my mind actually remembers lots of important things, many unconsciously, like how to breathe, keep blood pumping around my heart and body, faces (even those I haven’t seen for a long time), things I like, things I dislike, knowledge of recipes, how to drive, how to play the piano….. It’s a long list.
Darker things though. My depressive streak. Was I always going to have it or was it the environment which shaped my mood? My entire personality could in theory have little to do with me at all. I tend to be impulsive. I say what I think most of the time, no matter what the consequences. If I feel discriminated against at work I shout my mouth off even if it then makes my job so unbearable I end up walking out of the door wondering what the fuck to do next. I’ve even lost friends (well, using the word in a very loose sense) over my inability to just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself.
However negative this may sound, I like the fact that I behave like this. I feel quite empowered by it. I see people who go through life never saying boo to a goose and am thankful I’m not like that. I’d like to think that this side of my character was shaped by my experience because I used to be extremely shy and let people walk all over me but one day I woke up to myself and decided I wasn’t going to go through life like that and began to stand up for myself. Can it be possible that something innate is actually more in control of me than I think? Genetics even. I look to my parents. Both had huge moments in their lives when they stopped believing one thing and started believing another. Different routes albeit but still a massive shift in beliefs and thought systems. My 164
father suffered from depression. My mother had panic attacks fairly often. No matter how I try and dismiss it, there does seem a trend.
If this is the case, it leaves little hope. I like to think I’m so in control. My life will be what I make it but it seems I could be up against strong opposition.
Any psychologists which may be happen to be reading this out of some obscure fascination, I apologise that my views are not particularly sharp or in-depth, my information is pieced together from snippets of books I’ve read and my interpretations of them. If I’m taking a pile of shit, please forgive me.
I wish I’d have studied psychology. It is a wonderful area to get involved in. If I had all the time in the world, I’d immerse myself in it. I guess it’s partly because I don’t think I understand people’s rationality at all. It confuses me regularly. My own behaviour does that too. It’s a shame that I somehow ended up in an office job with no motivational pull whatsoever. If I am, like I like to believe, in control of my own life, then it is me alone that has put myself in this situation.
I could have motivated myself to be anywhere I wanted to be, in a job that made a difference somewhere. I’d love to be a psychologist, or work for Greenpeace or the World Wildlife Fund. Something where I wouldn’t loose sleep just knowing I have to endure a days work doing something I hate and taking another pointless step forward to growing old. Of course, I’d also love to be able to spend a lot more time writing. Yet look at me. Can I change now? At nearly 30? I’ve looked into going back to university but unfortunately, with credit card debts of £3,000 a loan of £2,000 and an overdraft facility which is utilised every single month, my finances won’t allow the £3,000 it would cost for university fees let alone not earning for three years. I’d love to do a masters degree but even that seems impossible as my degree 165
was in a useless subject which I don’t want to pursue so in theory I would have to start again. It’s not going to happen. I’ve looked into funding and scholarships but they don’t really exist for people like me who are considered privileged and I guess I am. I just wasted the opportunities. I know I’m only feeling sorry for myself. It would be a slight relief if the reason I’ve done little of use with my life so far was due to an innate pre-disposition to slide into a pointless existence but I wouldn’t be convinced of this. I am self aware. I make things happen. I just wish I knew where to go from here.