I don’t believe in God. Frankly, I don’t get why people do. What a bastard. Why would people want to be the equivalent of slaves for all eternity. It’s hard enough getting some people to do the washing up.
No, I suppose my parents are alright. As long as you don’t mention Atheism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Catholics, Orgasms, Breasts, Cigarettes, Drugs, Loose dog hairs on the carpet, Farting, Shagging, Indian food, the attractive Chinese boy next door, Doc martin boots, Short hair on girls, Anorexia and Proper jobs.
Anorexia, there’s a good one. Well, next time when I’m shopping with my mother, I’ll think twice about picking up a tub of cottage cheese. At first I was offended. I’ve never been less than ten stone in my entire adult life. I wanted to ask her if she was taking the piss but I think she would have buried me alive with the contents of her Sainsburys shopping trolley.
I’m convinced she’s got a family of illegal immigrants living with her. Five thousand of them.
Parents, no one teaches you. But what can I say, after all, I am only made out of one of Adam’s ribs. Just think, the original Eve must have been completely deformed and it must have been a struggle just to draw breath. Especially after all that shagging anyway.
I wonder if there’s a dog heaven…..where all the subservient dogs get to lick the top dog’s arsehole…..
11
…Thoughts….funny how they come isn’t it?
Humans and dogs. Lately I’ve been noticing the similarities. Unfortunately they seem to be eating, sleeping, pissing, shitting, vomiting and sniffing each others mucky bits.
Sometimes my dog sits and looks at me like I’m a fool. I like to think she’s clever but she eats shit and I’m a firm believer there’s nothing clever about that.
She doesn’t even get paid. In fact, she often watches me, draped across her bed like a Greek goddess, her eyes studying my odd face. My face is not exceptionally odd, it’s just that so many things puzzle me that soon I’ll have forgotten what I used to look like when I lived in dull ignorance. It’s a sad look. My mother still wears it.
Marriage. I compare my experience to being in a coma. When I woke up I remembered how fucking good it was to be alive again. Dead but yet alive, a strange concept…seeing as it’s how most people live their entire lives. What a waste. Ah, but Eve, after our toil on Earth, we’ll be going to a better place.
Bollocks. My dog’s got more sense and as I’ve said, she eats shit. I suppose it’s better than talking it.
Council Flats. Fucking awful.
I ‘live in sin’. Ironical really, to have evolved such an intelligent brain and to waste it on shallow humdrum toss, surely that’s the biggest sin of all.…
How did I manage to make wedding vows and not piss myself laughing from the ridiculousness of it all?
12
People who get on the scales every morning should be shot…
…put them out of their misery..