To See Your Mutt Again Go To School In A Dress and sing Hit Me Baby One More Time in the middle of the football match in the playground. Then go to your locker and you will find out where your dog is

The song was my idea and Toto wasn’t real sure about putting the footie match, in case there wasn’t one or something, but Minto and his mates always play football and they’re the coolest people in the school and they’re the ones that will really rag on Matthews and make him suffer and everyone in the school and all Kate’s friends will know what a dorky dweeb Matthews is. Man I can’t wait.

Anyway, we went to Cribbs and found the shop, but it was really small and even though they did have glasses and stuff there were loads of assistants and they were really watching us even when I pretended to have a real bad cough so that they’d look at me and not Toto, so that he could really quickly grab some glasses. Well, even then they still watched Toto as well as me and I went red and stuff and I think it all sounded so foney that they knew what we were doing and this big man with dreads who looked really coool, looked really angry as well and said that he thought we should leave, so we did.

Anyway, we wandered around and Toto stole some Armani glasses from the Sunglasses shop on the first floor, which he’s going to try and swap with Minto cos they cost £139.99, even if they aren’t sooo cool (I don’t think Minto will swap, cos if he’d wanted Armani he’d’ve like stole them himself). We also stole some books on computers from Waterstones, some sandwiches from Boots, a glass that Toto’s girlie liked in John Lewis’s - which is made from really heavy blue glass and looks oldfashioned, and she’ll probably just leave it in a box on top of her wardrobe, like Mum does with everything Dad buys her and all
- oh and we also got a little digital camera that clips on to Toto’s mobile fone - but when we got back we realised that it was a dummy one they have in the shop so you can see what they look like, but don’t matter if people steal them (I thought it was funny, cos we got chased when Toto grabbed that one and he thought he was Joe Cool all the way home in Minto’s car, and was being really foney and bragging and trying to impress everyone.)

Yeah, I forgot that - we met Minto who was also skipping school in the car park and he’d hot-wired this old BMW and was going to go and race it to Weston, but said it was cool if we wanted a lift home first. Minto is real cool like that, he does really cool things but never ever boasts about them like Toto or acts all foney, you know? He just does them and if we hadn’t seen him he’d never have mentioned it or anything. He really does make Toto look a real foney little boy with all his lies and blagging and foney boasting and stuff - but he does make me laugh. Minto told me that when I’m a bit older he’ll show me how to steal cars too - though I think he forgot that it tells you how to do it in that book he gave me which is sooo cool and I keep reading it and stuff. He was funny too, cos all he kept saying was ‘I got dem Black Man’s Wheels, Yesirree’, over and over in this really foney American sort of slave voice, and then laughing like the Voodoo man in Live and Let Die.

Anyway, I’m going to spy on Mattyman now, so I’ll write more later if anything good happens

Later

OK, so this day has just got better and better - man it’s sooo very cool. Sooo fucking A man. Sooo cool.

See, Toto’s plan - it worked. I mean, I guess I didn’t think it really would. It all sounded so easy and I know we could see Scrattyboy and everything, but I never thought we could pull the whole thing off. We sat down to see what Matthews was up to and to be honest I was like - yaaawn - do we haaave to? The idea of watching Fattymatty jacking off was appealing - like not.

But anyway, it was OK, cos as soon as we connected to Matthews’ computer, Toto turned on the webcam again and there was Mr Matthews using their it. I jumped and stuff, cos we haven’t seen him before and then I was scared that he’d notice that we’d changed our Dad’s bill and that he’d undercharged him and then he’d stroke his chin like he was thinking about it - then point at me and say that he knew exactly how we’d done it and that he was coming round to our house to tell my Dad and then Matthews would tell Kate and everyone would know that we were scrattier than Matthews. But he didn’t, and Toto put the webcam picture in a small window so we could see what Mr Matthews was doing and he was on the net and my heart just went pop.

Everything seemed to stop, and it was like when everything goes all slow-mo in the Matrix and all and Keeney Reeves just hangs in the air and the picture moves round him - I guess the camera moved round him really - and I looked at Toto and he was turning to me and we both started to lift our hands and at the same time as we high-five’d everything suddenly went quick again. Toto grabbed the mouse just as I was grabbing the mouse and it fell on the floor, except it never got that far cos it’s got a lead on it cos the cordless one is shit and Toto started pulling the mouse up on to the desk as quick as he could and I was trying to get out of the way and falling off my chair and before I hit the floor Toto managed to move the mouse and click on the record button, just as Mr Matthews hit the OK button on the payment page on Amazon.

And we’d done it. We’d managed to record Mr Matthews putting all his credit card details into the Amazon page and now we had them and now we had him, after waiting all this time and hoping that one day he’d actually buy something online and that we’d be lucky and get him and we had and we have. We’ve got the bastard. We’ve got the scratty piece of shit and now we’re going to make him suffer now we’re going to make them all pay. Me and Toto just sat there for a while and then Toto ran the recording to make sure it was still there (it was) and printed it in full screen mode so we had it all even if the computer blew up or anything.

Even Later

Hi Again! Man we’ve had a cool time since I wrote the last bit. See, I didn’t realise that Toto had got this all so planned out. He’d told me his master plan in a real quiet voice late at night and all, but I think I must have got bored or fed-up of him being a foney or fallen asleep but he had a really cool plan and it’s sooo dark. I’m a bit scared that we might get caught, cos it all seems a lot more serious and everything, but Toto has been sooo right this far that I guess I better trust him. This bit has been real fun, cos now we’ve got Mr Scrattymatty’s credit card numbers and hotmail account and everything so we can do what we want.

Anyway, the first part of Toto’s plan was to buy loads of really stupid stuff and have it delivered to the scratty house, I mean it’s all really useful things they need like air fresheners and cleaning stuff like Mr Sheen and deodorants and stuff, but then he started looking for dog blankets and Minced Morcels and Winalot, and we found that you can get all this stuff delivered by Tesco and Sainsburys and the Co-Op and all these different supermarkets - so that’s what we did - we ordered every cleaning thing they all had. We’ve sent him 300 packs of Surf and 250 Magic Tree air-fresheners and 1000 Haze aerosol cans of airfreshener and so much Domestos and Harpic and Sure for Women and Mum deodorant and stuff and we’ve asked that they all get delivered on the same day, so we can hang around or go and call on Matthews and pretend to be his friend just so we’re there when everything turns up - which I thought was sooo cool.

Anyway, I thought that was going to be it, but Toto’s got loads of plans and ideas that are really nasty and I’m glad he’s my brother and not my enemy, cos I think he’s really good at being bad.

Well, when we got bored ordering all the cleaning stuff and dog stuff, Toto decided that we should waste loads of Mr Matthews’ money, so we logged on to bet365 - which is a place you can place bets and stuff, and had really stupid bets for loads of money. I mean, we bet £2000 that Man United would lose 10-nil, and £1000 that West Brom. would win the premiership and £500 that Arsenal would be relegated - stuff like that. Then we decided to book a holiday in Iran for Matthews’ Mum and Dad, which cost another £1500 or something like that anyway.

Anyway, once we’d done all that I was getting a bit bored. It was funny that we’d wasted all Scratdad’s money and all, but it was on a credit card and he’d get it all back anyway if he complained and stuff cos they say so in all the adverts. Don’t get me wrong, it was all really good fun and stuff, but …

Anyway, I said to Toto that I was going to go and watch TV or something or maybe play WWE, but he started saying ‘No you gotta stay, you gotta stay’ and I’m like, ‘But this is boring man, this is like sooo tired’ and he just kind of laughed and said that we were just coming to the best part. We were just getting to the bit where we really take our revenge and make Matty and his Dad suffer the mostest.

Anyway, I shrugged a bit cos I couldn’t see what else we could do. But, like I say, Toto has been sooo right about this and it’s really funny to think of what the family scratty will feel like when that bill comes for their card and stuff.

Anyway, Toto got all mysterious and checked outside the room – like Matty did when he was looking at his Page 3s and stuff - only this time Toto was making sure that my Mum and Dad were not creeping up on us like Japanese soldiers in the war in Viet Nam who are trying to find Rambo or someone so that they can put him in a pit and play cards with him and then make him play Russian Roulette which is a game you play with a gun where you’re meant to shoot yourself – which is really dumb, even for a movie, but I guess they were really bored in them days cos they never even had the internet or Sky or anything.

Anyway, I guess my Mum and Dad weren’t crawling up the stairs and along the landing or anything, so Toto settled down a bit and sat in front of the computer, then shut down BackOrifice. Next he opened Internet Explorer and got a bit of paper out of his pocket which had loads of URLs on it, and then he turned to me and looked really serious and just stared, like he was some nut-job or mental home person or something. Then it was like he’d made a really hard decision and sort of sat up a bit and started speaking quite quietly, not like he was scared that somebody would hear or anything, more like he wanted to tell me how it was and wanted to make sure that I understood and all.

‘Panton’, he started, which was weird cos he usually calls me

Shithead or Li’l Bro or something,
‘Do you remember why it was that we started all of this?’ – I
just nodded and wondered why he was asking and all, but he
was so serious I didn’t interrupt or nothing.
Then he said, ‘See, I really, really like Becky, and you really,
really like Kate, but we’ve got a problem. Matthews. See, Becky is
getting really fed-up of Kate coming home and smelling of dog
piss. Getting rid of the dog helped, but the smell just hangs
around don’t it?’
I nodded again. ‘So that’s my problem, I’ve got to protect my
woman.’
He stood up and started walking around the room, like a
teacher or something.
‘Your problem Panton, is that you never had the guts to ask
Kate out or asked her to be your girlfriend, cos you were never
sure that you really liked her, until, that is, you saw her with
Matthews’.
I really wanted to hit him now, cos I have always liked Kate, but I just didn’t know what to do – I mean, how would I know – doh! He’s the older brother and everything and I don’t reckon he knows anything really, but he continued and I figured I could hit
him afterwards.
‘So that was it, Panton – Matthews really pissed us both off
and we’ve really stiffed him. We’ve really done a number on
him and now on his Dad. But what I want to know is whether
you have got the guts to go this one last step? Have you got the
bottle to really finish this once and for all, so Kate will never
want to see Matty again and you can ask her out and she’ll be
your girlfriend and I can cop a feel without Becky whinging
about her sister smelling of dog piss?’.
He stopped talking then and I was sure that he wanted me to
say something, but I’d got a bit lost in the middle and I must
admit a bit bored and I’d started to think of Kate and then of
The Rock getting smacked down by The Undertaker and
thrown into the crowd and hit with a tombstone or something.
But he was waiting, so I asked him what he wanted me to do. He
smiled a bit now, cos I think he knew we were both still on the
same side and that we were still family and that I wouldn’t rat
him out or grass him up or blow the whistle or leave him in the
lurch or anything like that.
‘Cool, Panton. Now all we’ve got to do is register for a few
websites, like when we set up Geocities and stuff.’
That sounded pretty easy to me and I just said ‘cool!’. But he
hadn’t finished and said ‘Yeah, it’s cool – just this time we’re
going to be using Mr Matthews’ name and credit card instead of
just making one up’.
OK – it didn’t sound loads more interesting but it was a bit
different if nothing else, so Toto read out the URLs and I typed
them in and we registered Mr Matty on some weird sites called
minor-69er.com; boytoys.cl; xxxbritneynakid.com and wikidpixxxx.fr

See ya!

Doctor Mooze Wednesday 8th January

OK. I’ve said a lot of things since I’ve been writing this blog or diary or whatever it is and I guess you know that I’m not Matthews’ biggest fan and really don’t think he’s worthy of being Kate’s boyfriend. But I’ve been worrying about whether me and Toto’s plan has got a bit heavy and a bit too cruel. I felt bad when we took their dog and Toto threw it on the railway track and the train was coming and we could see it coming and I thought Toto was only fooling and that we’d just take it far from Matthews’ house and let it go or something, cos it was sooo dumb that there was no way it would ever find its way back to their shitty house. They hadn’t had it long or anything so I mean they couldn’t have even liked it that much, could they?

I’ve been thinking that maybe they do and I’m not sure that we did the right thing, even if it was funny. It’s like Mr Matty’s credit card and that. It’s been fun hanging around and stuff waiting for our plan to come together - but when we finally got his credit card and that, it was fun to order all that crap and stuff but it soon got really boring. I mean I was really not sleeping too good the last couple of nights and worrying that we might get caught - that someone would suss that we sent Matthews those ransom notes, or someone would find his shitty dead dog or maybe Mr Matty would find BackOrifice on his computer and work out that I’d put it on there or maybe even Matthews and Kate would get engaged or Kate would get pregnant or something cos she’s been going all the way with the fat greasy slimy bastard and I keep waking up all hot and wet and all I can see is Matthews kissing Kate or his dead dog trailing after me when I’m walking back from school and even though I start running and he’s going really, really slow, he’s still catching me up like in the movies, even though he’s a zombie dog and the train cut off two of his legs and he screamed like a kid that’s really hurt itself and screamed and screamed and kept whining and there was so much blood - I mean how the fuck does one dog have so much fucking blood?

It was only a titchy little dog and its blood seemed to go everywhere and it was whining and screaming like the pigs in Hannibal and all when they’re ripping that bloke to pieces and the nutter geezer is doing that funny thing with his mouth everyone did after Silence of the Lambs came out on DVD and Sky, and all the time the blood kept pouring out of it’s neck and stumpy legs.

Toto got worried that someone would hear it and we’d get caught, so we tried to make it go quiet by saying ‘Shh!’ and stroking its head and patting it and saying ‘Good dog!’ and all the time it was screaming and crying, and trying to bite us. I didn’t know that dogs could cry with real tears. I never saw a dog cry, but Matthews’ dog had these big tears running down its face and it was looking at me and crying.

I was going ‘Shh!’ but it must have been in so much pain, and it was crying so much and just looking at me all confused, like it wanted to say ‘I’m only a titchy little dog - why the fuck did you do this to me? Why did you have a go at me when I never did nothing to you?’ and I’m looking at its eyes and it’s crying and I feel bad. I felt so bad and then Toto is saying ‘We got to shut it up Panton, we got to make it go quiet’ and I’m saying ‘Shh, doggie, Shh!’ and trying to pat it, but I can’t find a big enough space that’s not covered in blood and shit - cos it had shat itself, you know? All the time these tears are running down its face and it’s crying so loud so loud and whining and crying - and then it stopped. And I couldn’t see the tears no more.

It went so quiet and all I could hear was Toto’s breathing. And all I could see was blood and grey jelly, and there were bits of grey jelly on my jeans and I look down and I can’t work out where the grey jelly has come from and I don’t know why it has got so quiet all of a sudden and I look at Toto and want to ask him where the jelly has come from and where the noise and tears are and I look at Toto and he’s still holding the brick, still holding the brick in his hand and the jelly is on the brick and there’s blood on the brick and then I know that Toto has made the dog go quiet and I know that it don’t hurt no more and I know that Toto has just smashed the doggie’s brains in.

God I hate dreams like that, but I guess it’s cos I haven’t been sure about what we’re doing and it nags, nags, nags at the back of my head and it makes it hurt and then I think about: Should we just stop? Should we just tell Matthews to forget it and tell him where to find his dog - not really tell him, I mean I don’t want to get into trouble and we’d get serious shit for all this. No, I mean we could send another note or something. But then I think of Kate again and even though Dad always says that there are loads more fish in the sea, she’s the only fish I want.

But for days I’ve just been thinking that maybe we should give up on our revenge and that maybe we’re going a bit over the top and I’ve said it to Toto, but he loves it man, you know what I mean, he really likes all this sneaky stuff cos I guess it’s not foney, and everything he ever does is all bullshit and foney and full of hot air and maybe this is something real, and I look at him and then start worrying too cos I can’t see him keeping his mouth shut, cos he sooo loves being the man, you know, and he always gives it large when he talks about things he’s made up and I really can’t see him keeping it quiet when there’s something real to talk about.

So that’s it, I wanted to tell you that I’ve been having my worries about all this and getting scared and not really enjoying it or trusting Toto or thinking it’s been worth it and everything. I wanted you to know that when I woke up this morning, that was exactly how I felt. I could have given it all up and just played footie and stuff, no problem. I wanted you to know this, so that when I talk about today you’ll see it was really unexpected and really a big surprise.

Cos, I want to tell you that today, has been the BEST FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE. I have never, ever, enjoyed a day like I enjoyed today. I’ve never gone to school and just wished that the day would never end, I so wanted to just talk and laff with people that I never even played footie or nothing, cos today has been the PERFECT DAY. Today has been the day that I will tell my friends and grandchildren about when they ask ‘What was the best day you ever had Grandad Panton’ and if I’m ever in a pub and got interviewed cos the BBC are doing one of their real dumb survey things, and I’m 18 and drinking cider and wearing a Ben Sherman shirt and desert boots and maybe Armani jeans or Nu-Gear cargoes or something, and an interviewer says ‘Can I ask you a few questions for our survey on what everyone in the country thinks about things, so the future people of England will have a record like that Magna Carta thing that Robin Hood did and all’ and if someone asked me I’d said ‘Yeah’ and then if they said, ‘What was the best fucking day you ever had?’ I’d wait a second and pretend to think about it, even though I wouldn’t need to think about it cos I’d know already and I’d scratch my head or rub my chin or something and take a sip of my cider and then say ‘Well,’ and pause a minute and maybe scratch my head or rub my chin again, and then I’d say ‘Well, it’s got to be that day when I was ten or maybe eleven, when that bloke Matthews came into school and stood in the middle of a football game that my best mate Minto and me and a few other blokes were playing in and started to sing a song’ and I can imagine the BBC person saying ‘So Mr Panton, what happened next’ and I’d just look him straight in the eye and take another sip of my cider or vodka and Red Bull or something, and stretch a little as the whole country just waited for me to answer him, then slowly I’d say, ‘Well, everything went mad and everybody started laughing, cos the thing I didn’t mention before was that he was wearing a dress he’d robbed off the lady who later became my wife. But we didn’t know that then cos all we could see was this fat smelly greasy little shit called Matthews standing in the middle of the playground, wearing this really flowery dress that was loads too small for him, him being a fat blubber belly and all, and then he started to sing a Britney Spears song that was popular back then, but cheesy now, but she was a really big singer then and all.’

Then I’d have another sip of my cider and the guy, who’d be stunned by this, and the whole nation would be wondering what the song was, and the interviewer who’d probably over-run by miles cos I’d been so cool, and hadn’t gone back to the studio cos this would be sooo big, and why he’d become a journalist in the first place and everything. Well, this geezer would finally pull himself together and ask ‘So, I think I speak for the nation when I ask - what was the song he was singing?’ - and I’d just smirk and feel the tension as people - grannies, kids, and Mums and Dads and everyone - lean forward toward the telly so that they can hear my answer and I take another sip of my cider before I answer and eventually smile and say ‘Oh, the song he sang was “Hit Me Baby One more Time”.’ And I can imagine that the interviewer would be nearly wetting himself by then and would have to take deep breaths and be imagining winning one of those wank TV awards people give to each other at hotels in London and places, and then he’d say ‘But what happened next?’ and then I’d definitely smirk, and maybe have a smug smile and I would just say ‘Oh, then the whole school kicked the shit out of him’.
Oh man, it was sooo cool. But that wasn’t it, I mean yeah once he turned up and sang his song, I just thought there is nooo way on earth this could get better. I mean all the kids in our class were there - all of Minto’s friends, Minto, Kate and all her friends - and it was sooo funny. I could feel my sides splitting. Everyone all over the playground just stopped and watched him walk across the playground in his little poxy flowery dress and stop in the middle and people began wolf-whistling him and laughing and all the time I could see that he was crying and really blarting like a girl and I could see that he’d got our ransom note in one of his hands and another bit of paper in the other and I didn’t know what that was at first until he cleared his throat and coughed a bit and sort of sobbed and then started singing. He was reading from this other bit of paper that wasn’t our ransom note - and when he started singing everyone sort of went quiet so that they could hear him and he’d only been singing a bit when everyone realised what the song was and started laughing again and then I saw Kate and she was sort of white and I think she must have realised that he was wearing her dress cos then she went really red and burst into tears, cos I guess everyone knows that he’s meant to be her boyfriend - cos Matthews told everyone that anyway. And then Kate sort of turned away and started running out of the school playground and out the gates and then round a corner so I couldn’t see her no more.

Anyway, I thought I should go after Kate and see if she’s alright, but then Minto’s friends who he’d been playing football with had started getting closer to Matthews and pulling his hair and calling him Girlie and poof and Matilda and stuff and pushing him around and then someone knelt behind him, and he’s still singing and reading the words from this bit of paper and all, and then someone just pushed him a little bit so he took a little step back, but fell over the boy that had knelt behind him and Matthews kind of fell over backwards really slowly and his legs went in the air and I couldn’t see but I think it was Minto who pushed him cos he was closest and he shouted ‘He hasn’t got his knickers on’ and everybody surged forward to see, I guess, though I really didn’t want to after the webcam thing with the Page 3 pictures and everything so I never. But then people must have started giving Matthews digs, cos he was on the floor and couldn’t do much and people do it when they think you can’t hit them back don’t they?

Anyway, everybody’s having a riot and Matthews is kind of disappearing beneath all these people running across and trying to kick him and then Ms Courtney came into the playground and blew her whistle and everybody sort of stopped and you’re meant to stand still, but everyone was trying to drift away and she blew her whistle again and shouted ‘Nobody move’ and nobody did move cos Ms Courtney’s scary when she’s angry and she looked angry then.

I forgot to say that in Assembly this morning the Headmistress, Mrs Blake, said something about if anybody knows anything about certain ‘articles’ being delivered to the home of one of our teachers, then they should come and see her and I saw Matthews look across at Ms Courtney even though Mrs Blake hadn’t said it was her and he’s so dumb cos he could only know to look at Ms Courtney if he was involved - doh! and I could see from the corner of my eye that Ms Courtney noticed that he’d looked and everyone must have noticed that he’d gone bright red and all cos I could see him glowing, man - he was like a beetroot or a radish or something.

Anyway, at the end of the assembly Ms Courtney was coming across to our class. We stand near the back, you know? But Matthews went out the other door real quick and you could see that Ms Courtney wanted to shout after him but the Head was reading Notices and she left it cos I guess she thought she’d get him later. Except in Science, which was our first lesson, Ms Courtney came in and asked to see Matthews, but he’d wagged the lesson and she looked well angry when Mr Rockwood, our teacher, said he wasn’t there.

But anyway, when she came into the playground she made straight for the middle of the fight and everybody sort of parted and moved to one side so that there was a ring of people around Matthews, who was lying on the floor with his dress ripped and covered in shit and dirt and blood running down his face and crying like the girl he looked. Man, it was really funny and I felt really pleased inside and not sorry for him or anything cos he's sooo an asshole and he's beneath my respect and a non-person of the lowest order, or even less.

Anyway, Ms Courtney stood over him for a second and told him to get up and then told everyone else to go away and back to class, and Matthews I think pretended that he couldn’t get up and Ms Courtney started telling him that he was going to be expelled for this if he didn’t get up straight away and eventually he got up and he was still holding his bits of paper and Ms Courtney asked him what they were and he handed one over and she read it and sort of said ‘Britney Spears - who the hell is Britney Spears?’ and he said something and gave her the other bit of paper - which must have been our ransom note and she read it and said something quietly to him and he said something back that I couldn’t hear. And then she ripped up the ransom note and said really loudly ‘If you think this pathetic attempt to get you off the hook for deliver