IN WHICH EDWARD LEE AND WALTER GO ON THE
WARPATH BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT
ELSE TO DO, AND ON ACCOUNT OF THEM JOHN
AND MARTHA MARY MISS HEARING THE MELODRAMA
EDWARD LEE and Walter were on the warpath. The warpath leads through the orchard to the power-house where the big engine pumps water that irrigates all the farmland, even to Levy’s place. The cause of the two warriors’ fighting mood was this; they were bored with Life; bored with lessons, and bored through and through with the stories of fairies and other silliness that Flip always told. So, they went on the warpath, armed with all the clothes-line they could find in the laundry, and two wooden swords. The first victim, luckily for them, was John. He was seated on a wheelbarrow outside of the power-house, trying to smoke dried magnolia leaves. This made him feel cold and wobbly and not at all in fighting trim. So it was a simple matter for Edward Lee and Walter to jump on him from the rear, tie him in approved warrior fashion, gag him with a handkerchief, and lead him into the power-house. There they held a council of war; John was convicted of innumerable offences, including kissing Uncle Mick, and condemned to spend the afternoon in confinement, tied to the power engine. He struggled manfully when they tied him to his post, but it was no use; the magnolia leaf smoke had made him too sick to fight, and in short order he was a helpless, speechless prisoner. Then the warriors planned the strategic stroke that would trap Martha Mary. Up the warpath the two men marched boldly and to the door of Martha Mary’s sun-room. She was seated on a small trunk, painting red violets all over a cake-plate.
“Madame,” said Walter, “we have been sent by the King to bring you into his presence. You are to come at once, but you must be gagged and blindfolded because you mustn’t see the way to the Royal Palace. Are you ready?”
Of course Martha Mary knew that John was the king, and she was flattered that he had sent for her. So she allowed herself to be bound and gagged and blindfolded and led down the warpath. She knew all the time where she was going, because the power-house always was the Palace. But she didn’t know what was going to happen, so you can imagine her surprise when she found herself tied to the wall and then tried and convicted of crying at Flip’s last story and condemned to spend the afternoon, just like John, in solitary confinement. She didn’t know John was there already, and he could not tell her because he was gagged. So the warriors tied her to the wall next to John and then locked the power-house door and went off to find Flip. He was busy making a new bridle for Peggy, the Shetland pony, and as he did not work with his mouth the warriors knew that he would have no excuse for not telling a story. They jumped on his back when he didn’t expect it and refused to get off until he had agreed to tell them a tale that had no women or fairies in it at all. Flip agreed but first he rolled Walter and Edward Lee off his back and on to the floor to prove to them that he wasn’t beaten.
This is the story he told them, and although there is one woman in it, if the girl listeners do not like it they don’t have to listen because it is not intended for them anyhow.
“‘Doughnuts and Crullers,’ swore the pirate chief as he wiped a quantity of blood off his throat-ripper on to his red sleeve. ‘Doughnuts and Crullers! I have an idea!’
“‘Yoho, yoho,’ shouted all the pirate band gathered about. ‘The Chief has an idea.’
“‘A marvel-l-lous idea,’ quoth the Chief.
“‘Marvelous,’ shouted the band.
“‘Doughnuts and Crullers,’ shrieked the Chief, although he knew lots of other cusses, too. ‘You’ve made such a noise that I have forgotten it.’
“Then the Chief frowned and his temper became terrible because he seldom had ideas and he hated to lose them when they did come. He became so furious that he shouted:
“‘Bring out Red Blood Ike, the one-eyed Swede!’
“Immediately a dozen valiant pirates sprang into the black tent and came out with the one-eyed Swede. He was a terrible looking person. One eye was gone, altogether, and the other one was pink. But that wasn’t all. He had only one arm—the right one—and only one leg—the left one. His mouth was black as coal. That came from his habit of eating fire; he really could, just like drinking water or anything else. And he liked it. He said it tasted like fried spinach.
“‘Orange Marmalade,’ he shouted, for that was HIS favorite cuss. ‘What do you want with me? I was dreaming of cutting off the fingers of all Republicans and you have disturbed me.’
“‘Ike,’ said the Chief, ‘I had an idea and I lost it.’
“‘Yes, yes,’ said Ike.
“‘That is all,’ said the Chief. ‘Only now I feel so badly that unless you can give me a plan my whole day will be spoiled. And I wanted it to be a nice day. I have not killed anyone for a long time.’
“Red Blood Ike bit his mustache, which was a habit he had when he was thinking. It kept him cool and steady-nerved which is the way all true pirates must be.
“‘Perhaps,’ he said, ‘if someone sings to me a sad, sweet song, I will be able to help you. You know, Chief, I can always think best when someone sings sad, sweet songs.’
“‘It is a good suggestion,’ said the Chief, ‘nothing is as soothing to the mind as sad, sweet songs, unless it be killing people or fighting Indians. Call out our singer, you lazy dogs!’
“They called out Hairslip Charles, the baritone of the gang. He sat on a whisky barrel and sharpened his throat-ripper and sang Ike’s favorite song: the one about the Pigs and little Fishes:
“There was me and Captain Harry in the Port of Monterey.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes in the moonlight.
Oh, the stars they all was shining and a-dancin’ on the bay.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes by the moon.
There was rum on Harry’s whiskers and was rum in Harry’s eye.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes in the moonlight.
So I sticks him with my sticker and was glad to see him die,
And they ups and makes me Captain by the moon.
Then I dumps ex-Captain Harry in the Port of Monterey.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes in the moonlight.
And we ’as a solemn funeral and for the body pray.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes by the moon.
Next we sails from Monterey in the sinking of the night.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes in the moonlight.
And we heads across the waters and an island heaves in sight
In the sickly, pale blue shining of the moon.
And on the shore was cannibals and all they wore was hair.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes in the moonlight.
And my mate he winks his winker and he ses he doesn’t care
If they stays right where they are by the moon.
But we lands and has a battle and we takes the Zulu band.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes by the moonlight.
And the blood it flew like water and it stained the island sand
In the Pale blue, sickly shining of the moon.
Then we builds a roarin’ fire and some water we did boil.
Sing, you pigs and little fishes in the moonlight.
And we ups and eats the cannibals we’d boiled in old shark oil—
Oh, you hungry, hungry fishes by the moon.
And now we all are cannibals and live on human meat,
Sing, you pigs and little fishes in the moonlight.
And we’ve grown so strong and mighty that we never can be beat.
Singing, singing, singing, singing by the moon.
“The tears poured down Ike’s cheeks as Hairslip Charles sang, and when the song was through Ike raised his hand and said:
“‘I have it.’
“All the pirates sprang to their feet.
“‘He has it,’ they shouted.
“‘Proceed,’ commanded the Chief. I forgot to tell you that his name was Mr. Smith, but they usually called him Blue Murder Smith.
“‘This is my plan,’ said Ike. ‘We will send our bold men out to capture three prisoners. We will tie them to a stake and then, with threats of endless terrors, make each of them give us an idea. The one who has the best idea will be granted anything he wishes and then set free; the other two must——’
“‘Die,’ roared the band.
“‘Die,’ said Ike.
“Mr. Blue Murder Smith was delighted with the idea. He sent his men out to find three prisoners and they rode miles across the mountains until they came to the stage road. Down the road came a coach drawn by six huge horses. Ike, who was leading the assaulting party, hid in the bushes with his men until the coach came by; then they sprang out and Ike put his ten-inch gun to the driver’s head while the gang held the horses. Then Shivering Sam threw open the door of the coach and commanded the people in it to come out. There were exactly three. The first was a traveling man who sold underwear when business was good. He got out, moaning and praying for them not to take his samples. The next was a handsome officer with gold braid on his uniform and a bold look in his eye. And the third was the loveliest, most golden-haired girl you have ever seen. The pirates tied them together and drove them back to the camp, leaving the coach-driver bound to a tree. For all I know he may still be there. They came into camp and Blue Murder Smith arose, twisted his mustache and greeted his prisoners. His orders were that they be fastened to stakes and then given a chance to tell the three ideas. The traveling salesman was the only one who struggled; he had an appointment with a customer at seven o’clock and he knew his firm would be furious if he didn’t keep it. So they gave him the first chance to tell an idea. After much thought, this is what he said:
“‘I am supposed to be in the next town to-night to sell a carload of underwear—W. & W. quality, selling at fifty per cent. off, I recommend that you gentlemen use it. If I don’t get there my firm will be in danger of losing a good customer and I of losing my position. So you let me go ahead and I’ll sell my bill and get the money for it; then I’ll take the stage back to-morrow, you can hold us up again and take the money away from me and then let me go. As long as I don’t lose the customer the firm won’t be so angry that the money was stolen.’
“‘Bah!’ sneered Shivering Sam. ‘That is a poor idea. We’ll send to your customer and take the money away from him and keep you, too, and probably roast you. And we’ll make new flags for our fleet out of the underwear if it is red.’
“‘Right-O!’ said Mr. Blue Murder Smith. ‘Now let’s hear the soldier’s idea.’
“They tied the salesman up again and dragged the soldier out and got his lovely uniform all mussed. As they pulled him he clutched the fingers of the golden-haired girl and kissed them, and she looked so sad that tears came into the single pink eye of Red Blood Ike. But he was a pirate’s son and had to be hard of heart.
“The soldier looked very frightened. He bowed politely to the pirate band and told his idea and it was even worse than the salesman’s plan.
“He wanted the pirates to let him go if he would sing them a song. Now, you know they were musical pirates and liked music, so they were inclined to accept his offer. But when he began to sing in a heart-breaking tone, ‘Darling, I am growing old, Silver threads amongst the gold,’ they all began to hoot and shriek to drown his simply awful voice. Then they led him away without further words.
“Mr. Blue Murder Smith smacked his lips and shouted, ‘Doughnuts and Crullers! Have out the woman!’
“She didn’t seem to be at all frightened. She shook hands with Hairslip Charles and asked Mr. Smith how all the little Smiths were, although there were none at all because Mr. Smith never had time to be married. Then she told her plan, and you can be sure it was exciting. This was it:
“She said that way down in the Southern Seas there was an island inhabited by a tribe of one-legged negroes. They lived on cocoanuts and whisky; they were very gentle and had no cannibalistic habits (which means that they were not cannibals). A long time ago, nearly ten years, a ship had been wrecked off the island with a cargo of Spanish gold and fruit cake. Also a brand new crown that had been made in Paris for the Island King. When the ship was on the rocks two sailors had swum ashore with the chests of gold and the crown. Then the weight of the fruit cake sunk the leaking ship. The two sailors had dragged the treasure way up on the island and buried it. But it would be quite easy to find. You landed and walked right to the very center of the island, then wet your finger and held it up in the air. The side of the finger that was coldest was the direction you had to dig and you were sure to find the treasure.
“‘Orange Marmalade,’ cussed Ike. ‘This sounds good. But how do we know you are speaking the truth?’
“‘Here,’ said the golden-haired girl, ‘is a piece of the gold. You see my father was one of the sailors who was saved.’
“She held out her hand and sure enough there was a piece of the gold, all yellow and shiny. Smith bit it and said it was all right. Then the pirate chief took a vote and found that the girl’s idea had been the only good one, and that, as they had agreed, she should be given anything she wished and allowed to go free.
“‘Please,’ said the girl, ‘may I have anything I really and truly wish?’
“‘Absolutely anything,’ said Smith, and then he got frightened for the golden-haired girl said:
“‘Oh, you lovely, lovely pirate,’ and tried to kiss him.
“‘Well,’ shouted Smith. ‘What do you want?’
“‘If I can have anything,’ said the girl, and looked with soft eyes at the soldier, ‘I want you to hold these two prisoners for just two days so that I can have prayers said for them before they die.’ Her eyes twinkled; she looked at the salesman and said to Smith:
“‘And please, when you roast this man, put in plenty of salt.’
“‘We will,’ said Smith, and ‘We will,’ shouted his men.
“Then they brought a horse and lifted the girl on to the saddle. As she leaned over to kiss the soldier good-by, she whispered something in his ear that no one else could hear, but Smith didn’t bother because he thought it was just a good-by. It wasn’t, though, as you soon shall hear.
“Down the road the girl went at a gallop, as fast as her horse could carry her. All afternoon she rode and just before sunset came into the soldier’s camp. Up to the General’s tent she cantered and then stood before him, all breathless. She told him everything that had happened and begged him to take his men and save the soldier, and the salesman, too, if he wished, although she didn’t mind so much about him. The General scratched his white beard and said:
“‘Why should I do this?’
“‘Oh, Sir,’ she said, ‘the soldier is your son.’
“‘Murder and Death,’ roared the General. ‘I’ll have their heads; the villains!’
“He ordered out a whole company of cavalry, and jumped on his own horse and down the road they went, led by the golden-haired girl. They rode all night as fast as the wind, and came in sight of the land pirates’ camp just before sunrise.
“‘We must go slowly,’ said the General. In a loud whisper he ordered his men off their horses and then, with guns in hand, they crept into the camp on their hands and knees. The first thing they heard was the soldier prisoner snoring. He was making such a noise that the golden-haired girl thought he would wake the pirates, so she crept up and put her fingers over his lips. He dreamed someone was trying to poison him and bit, just as hard as he could. Of course the girl screamed, and out came the whole company of pirates. Then, how they fought! You never heard such a racket in your life; there was screaming and shouting and firing of guns and blood all about, and over all you could hear Blue Murder Smith cussing:
“‘Crullers and Doughnuts.’
“And Ike shrieking, ‘Orange Marmalade.’
“They fought for hours and hours. That is, all but the salesman. As soon as the General cut his ropes, he grabbed his samples and ran like the wind.
“The others fought on, and the first thing you knew, every last pirate was stretched cold and dead on the hard, hard ground. And then the soldier held out his arms and the golden-haired girl came into them and the cavalry all cheered and the General blessed them (I mean the girl and her soldier) and—they, no doubt, lived happily ever after.”
“Phew!” said Edward Lee.
“Phew!” said Walter.
“Orange Marmalade,” shouted Edward Lee. “Here come the pirates.” Down the road he charged straight into the arms of Mother Dear, almost knocking her over.
All afternoon Edward Lee and Walter were soldiers and pirates and they attacked everybody on the place before dinner. Even then they did not want to go in, but Father insisted.
“And by the way,” said Father. “Where are Martha Mary and John?”
Edward Lee looked at Walter and Walter looked at Edward Lee and then they remembered. Down to the power-house they rushed and there were the prisoners, all pale and tired and wobbly in the legs. Edward Lee really felt badly. He kissed Martha Mary and begged her not to care. He offered to shake hands with John, but John wouldn’t shake. As for Walter, he got a laughing fit and wouldn’t stop until Father ordered him off to bed without any dinner. Later Martha Mary sneaked up the back stairs with a tray for him and no one knew it. Then Mother Dear felt worried and said it wasn’t wise to let him go to sleep without eating, so she took him another tray and found Martha Mary’s. And still later, when he thought no one would notice, Father tiptoed up the back stairs with still more, and Walter had a gorgeous time. And Father laughed and spanked him and then hugged him.