Chapter 94
Once the tape stopped Avery and Jack stood there in silence. I felt as if I was being sucked into empty space, devoid of all but my sobs. I cannot say how much time elapsed, but at a point I remember I became emotionally detached. I was aware of what was happening, and I knew that my chances of survival were slim, but all this stopped mattering to me.
“So this is how it all ends”, I said, feeling an odd sense of peace and relief
End.
It seemed like I had an easy way out after all. I didn’t even need to have the guts to decide it for myself, it would just happen. Anytime. It would probably strike me before I realized.
“No, I will talk to Mori. He said he would be working on finding an antidote, didn’t he? There will be a way out. There must be”, Jack said, his voice unsteady
“Maybe, or maybe not. And if there is, the question is how long it will take to find it. Research takes time, why be delusional about this?”, I replied coolly
What was happening seemed all so logical, there was no reason to be emotional about it. If you believe in your research you should take the consequences of it, shouldn’t you? I had chosen to play a game, and I had my share of fun. I had manipulated the game for a while, and now it was manipulating me.
I wanted the polymer to destroy me, its creator, I wanted to die. The more I thought about it, the more perversely euphoric I felt. Drag me all the way down to hell, I want to know what it looks like!
Avery’s voice cut off my thoughts.
“I will go talk to Sandeep”, she said
“Oh yes, I forgot about him…is he conscious now?”, I asked
“Yes, but he refuses to speak. Anyways the doctors told me that he can be dismissed in one or two days at most, and at that point I will put a tight torque on him. And he’ll speak, believe me”, Avery said
“Try to understand if other people are at risk…please”, I said
“I’ll talk to Mori…”, Jack iterated, uninterested in all but getting me out of the hospital
“Ok”, I replied, shrugging my shoulders carelessly
But then I saw the distress on Jack’s face, the sorrow ponding in the sockets of his tired eyes.
“Ok, let’s see if Mori has a solution”, I said, making an effort to warm up my voice and smile.
Jack moved close to me, and took my hand. He held it for a while, squeezeing it tight, then tighter, as if this way he could prevent me from slipping away.
“Don’t give up, please don’t give up”, he begged
“I won’t”, I said for his sake
Jack nodded and headed towards the door. “I’ll be back tomorrow after doing some research”, he said
I smiled again. I let my gaze follow him to the door, and rest on him in that imperceptible instant of hesitation during which he turned around once more before stepping away
“I’ll leave too, and will be back tomorrow”, Avery said after a moment
“Anytime, I’m not going anywhere”, I replied, my tone and smile ironically bitter now
Avery shook her head, and headed to the door. But then she turned around
“Even if you don’t care to stay alive other people care that you do”, she said, as if reading my thoughts, and walked away before waiting for my answer.