In March, Rakkasa and Walter set off on a trip to Maui, Hawaii, to see the enlightened teacher in person. His name was simply John, and he offered a three-day retreat on the beautiful island where the two had been many times before. Walter agreed to the undertaking because of the location, the time off work, and most of all to show his interest in what had been going on inside his partner.
The meetings took place in a community center conference room, which was packed when they arrived. They were able to find two empty chairs toward the side of the room, not facing the podium directly. As Walter found out quickly, it did not matter.
For seven years, he had been perfectly happy, until his companion decided to fly to Poona again. Rakkasa had remembered her personal reason for existence: to become enlightened. During her subsequent visits to the Ashram, which lasted sometimes up to eight weeks, Walter had stayed in Southern California and suffered acutely. Once, he even made an appointment with the UCLA psychiatric facility to get something that could ease his pain.
He never went because Rakkasa sent an e-mail from Poona, telling him that everything was OK, not to worry. His perfect life appeared to fall apart, he could hardly perform his duties in the office, and the drinks at night did nothing to change that, just made things worse. For all those years, he had not been interested in anything remotely connected to spirituality—tarot cards, horoscopes, past life, therapy groups, and so on. Suddenly he was back in a situation that reminded him uncomfortably of past experiences.
When young Canadian John, with long, gray-blond hair sat down on his armchair, he did not glance to his right immediately. Soon, however, Walter noticed that the man began scanning the room, from left to right. He did it very slowly and in silence. Out of the blue, he noticed that John was wearing a golden helmet, which he had not been wearing a second before. At the same time, Walter’s peripheral vision diminished and concentrated on the space around the podium. It arched upward, and then he perceived that the whole auditorium moved inside a capsule through space.
Ultimately, John turned his head to the far right where Walter sat. Things went out of control. Flashing from the direction of the teacher’s eyes was an aura of golden light, and then Walter saw nothing at all for a while. After recovering, he thought, Wow, it still exists. That is interesting. John had caught his attention.
During lunch in a diner, Rakkasa said, “You will not like it, what I have to tell you.”
Adrenaline, panic, anxiety—you name it—went through his interior system.
“I do not want to continue an intimate relationship with you. We can still be together as friends, but no more sex. I also want to visit Edmonton, perhaps even move there.”
Cool on the outside, he managed to reply, “OK, sure, I understand. Perhaps I want to visit Edmonton myself.”
As a result, in April the two were sitting in a small turboprop plane departing from Denver, Colorado, to Edmonton, Alberta. All the flying was possible because of Rakkasa’s airline benefits. As the aircraft made its way slowly over the endless northern plains and Walter looked down through the window, he shuddered. The sight of a gray-white landmass with an occasional speck of frozen water made him regret being on the plane. When they picked up a rental car and made their first drive through the outskirts of the city, he felt appalled by the ugliness of it. Large and small trucks and SUVs crawled at a minimum speed over icy highways. They had left pleasant sunshine and temperatures in the upper seventies for below-freezing conditions.
Rakkasa and Walter’s first meeting with John de Ruiter in Edmonton took place on a Monday. They found the meeting place in an industrial area outside of town and entered the building. Once again, Walter could not believe his eyes. In the room were only very few people scattered all over the metal folding chairs, less than twenty. The atmosphere reminded him of an Alcoholics Anonymous meetings he had seen on TV. Then teacher John entered the room. He sat down on an armchair, which had been raised slightly so everybody could see him. Possibly, due to the small number of participants, John remained with individuals for a long time. He gazed first at someone, listened to a question, then said something or nothing, and continued to the next person.
When he reached Walter and the two looked at each other, something locked. The connection remained steady for one-and-a-half hour. Throughout this time, Walter was aware of where he was and what went on; at some point he even said something, but later forgot what it had been. He only remembered the changing faces of the teacher and felt him inside of himself. Speechless, he wondered what John might have seen in him that caught his attention for so long.
Their plan was to stay two weekends and another Monday to attend the meetings with John and investigate the city. Walter’s vacation time, however, did not allow him to be away that long. In the middle of the week, he called the office and reported that he was sick. His employer told him that was not acceptable and fired him over the phone. Without the desire for any of it, bridges crumbled behind him.
By the end of May, the couple gave notice to the leasing office, donated most of their furniture to Goodwill, and reserved a large U-Haul trailer plus hitch, which fit behind their Chevy Caprice. Filled to capacity, they left Los Angeles and drove into Edmonton on July 1. The movers arrived in front of the house they had rented near the University of Alberta. Beautiful, warm summer weather welcomed and eased them into the new home.
All went well on the surface. It appeared as if Rakkasa appreciated his presence around her and in the house, someone familiar. As for Walter, each time they went into their separate bedrooms, he felt pain around his heart. They joined a tennis club in the neighborhood, went to many parties together, and felt excited about the new situation. Rakkasa was able to continue working for the airline by leaving a day earlier to be on time at her hub. Walter cashed out his 401(k) plan and other investments and initially felt comfortable spending a long time in Canada. Since John traveled to many different places, internationally and within his country, the couple followed him to Amsterdam, Holland, Denver, and San Francisco.
The first serious issue occurred when immigration officials at the Edmonton airport wanted to know what Walter’s comings and goings to Canada were all about. Next time he left the country and then returned, he used a rental car from Seattle to cross the border without being checked. Then he did not leave again for a long time.
Since John had been going to Poona for some time already, an illustrious group of people gathered around him in Edmonton. The size of the long-term crowd increased. Many of them were lost Sannyasins souls looking for someone to replace the master gone. The new teacher had a very different style and delivered his message in a way that made no sense to many. Emerging from a conservative Dutch Protestant background, John used language, sometimes difficult to comprehend.
Before the organization published his first book in various languages, Walter was glad to help by translating John’s audio tapes from English into German. At the same time, he felt he had a very intimate connection with the new teacher and understood his words fully.
Rakkasa’s connection to the new master appeared to be even more intimate. Since she was able to supply flight vouchers for him and his family, she was permitted to accompany the whole group to Maui on a vacation.
Meanwhile, summer in the city had plenty to offer the newcomer from Los Angeles. Walter played a lot of tennis with different people and went to the meetings with John on a regular basis. The congregation grew monthly, with people from all over the world. Some of them managed to stay long-term. The couple’s little red house with a lawn behind the building was perfect to grill the German specialty, bratwurst on a BBQ. Often, Walter invited friends from the group for dinner when he served his version of sauerkraut.
During midsummer, he began to sit down at his computer and write the story of his life. As he went through his documents, he found an old black-and-white picture of his parents. He hung the picture on the wall facing his workplace in the living room. One day, during an especially quiet and hot morning, when all the windows and doors were open, he glanced at the picture for a long time. He had been working on laying out the initial details of the story with his parents.
Then it came to him: this person with the hooknose could not have been his biological father.
At the moment of realization, the effects on Walter were mild. The longer he thought about it and progressively remembered more details of his youth, the implications turned distressing. Walter had been deceived for all of his life.
On his birthday, he smoked his first cigarette in two years and then gradually picked up the habit. During the holiday season until well into January, the teacher with his entourage, including Rakkasa, went to Poona again.
The meetings in Edmonton continued with John’s replacement facilitators. Some individuals, who had been with the teacher from the beginning of his career, were able to hold presence for some time. Only very few and mostly local group members were at the meetings. Walter took the opportunity to sit down in one of the special, individual-owned, very comfortable armchairs. He closed his eyes, feeling totally at ease with himself and his situation. Outside the building, it was twenty-two degrees below zero, a temperature in which one did not go for walks any more than ten minutes.
Very quiet, very much inside of himself, he went deeper and deeper. The meeting continued with an occasional question and the speaker on the podium replying. It had no effect on the deeply meditating Walter.
He came to an innermost place that allowed him to ask the question, “Who am I really?”
It may have been the most important moment of his life when he clearly saw himself as the most fragile, most beautiful, small pink lotus, nestled in the spacious womb of all creation.