Max
I turn over and stare at my alarm clock. It’s 5:00 A.M. and I’m in bed alone for the third day of this week. This would be the part where Isabel greeted me with a kiss and a warm smile and asked if I slept well. Turning over to empty space feels unnatural and though Birthday is still with me, she can never replace Isabel. I keep replaying every second in my head like a movie set on rewind. When was the breaking point for Isabel? She left me. It’s not her fault, of course. I was unable to be attentive enough. She didn’t ask for the world. She just wanted me to be someone I couldn’t. Isabel craved for such obscene and atrocious things. Such dark things. She asked so very little of me and I couldn’t fulfill even that role. I was incapable to provide what she needed.
“Hold me down,” she used to whisper in my ear while I was still inside her.
“Tie me up.”
“Choke me.”
I could never do such unspeakable acts without feeling like some sexual perverted deviant. Though I never acted on them, I wanted to. God, did I want to. My mind would get carried away while in business meeting with sick and indecent fantasies about defiling Isabel in countless ways. I’m getting hard thinking about it. I could never perform and give her what she needed without feeling like my father. I’m afraid if I lose control and bask in the temptation of wicked desire, even in the briefest of moments, then I’ll become insane and every part of my rational sense will vanish. I don’t know if I’m capable of separating the fanatical and sinful side of me from the ordinary me. It’s better to stay safe; I have my father’s blood coursing through my veins and I’m barley hanging on as it is. The evil will spread and infect everything if I feed the hellish monster inside of me. I harden as I think about Isabel’s soft pleas for wicked things…
My refection in the mirror looks gruesome under the harsh megawatt fluorescent bulbs in the bathroom. They reveal the deep purple bags under my eyes and my sickly-looking skin. I run my hands over the black coarse stubble under my chin. I need a shave. Continuing my morning routine, I avoid the mirror at all costs. I’m getting new low energy bulbs tonight; maybe in lesser light the stark truth will mute. After tying my blue tie and lacing my black shoestrings, I grab my car keys off the counter where I tossed them last night, but decide to catch a taxi to work. I’m not in the right state of mind to drive.
All my employees greet me properly as I enter the building. Displaying a mask, I smile and nod. But, I do, in fact, notice the small murmurs after I glide past them.
“…poor guy. Isabel’s been missing…”
“…he’s doing his best. She left him…”
“…it’s not his fault…”
“…he’s probably happy she’s gone…”
“…wasn’t she crazy or something…”
“…but look at him. Why would she…”
“…who knows what happens behind closed doors…”
“…Max is a good guy, though…”
When I reach my office, I tell Mrs. Gray to hold all my calls. I shut my door, hang my jacket on the rack and sit behind my polished desk, staring out the grand widows like it’s just another day. But unlike any other day, I am not focused. My head just isn’t where it should be. All I can think about is Isabel. She’s probably curling her toes in the warm sand of a private beach off the coast of Spain somewhere while I’m here, worrying.
Pulling out Isabel’s letter out the top drawer of my desk, I reread it:
Dear Max,
I love you so much. Please don’t blame yourself. I had to leave. The memories were becoming too much to bear for the both of us. You and I know it’s the truth. I felt like I was trapped in a box and left to suffocate. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s driving me insane. I love you but love is not enough this time. By the time you’ve read this I will be gone. I want to travel and visit the places I’ve always dreamed about and read about in those leisure magazines and pamphlets. I do apologize for not giving you the opportunity to say goodbye. I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Love you always, Isabel
Slinging a crystal paperweight angel that my mother bought me as a Christmas gift off the desk, I mutter a curse. The crystal shatters almost musically as it hits the wall. The glistening pool of shards gleams in hues of brilliant rainbows under the warm rays of the sun. I watch the colors bounce around for a while. She didn’t mention the wedding that was only three weeks away. She didn’t mention meeting her Aunt Lily, her mother’s twin sister. Isabel was ecstatic to finally hear from her. We were all going to meet up with Lily, Taylor, and Rex around the time of the wedding. We had this planned in advance for months now. I don’t think Isabel would leave something like this behind. She wouldn’t just throwaway her future with me, or her future as an RN. She more than anything wanted to work at Cherry Creek Hospital.
Would she throw her future away?
This is all very strange…the vibrating of my phone pulls me away. It’s a text from my ex Lily. I have been avoiding her calls lately, which astonishes me because I’ve been secretly searching for her for three years now. But she’s just trying to check up on me and make sure I’m okay. She’s trying to do the decent thing and I’m being difficult when I don’t need to be. I haven’t heard from her in three years, since she eliminated my heart. That wasn’t entirely her fault either. She was too good for me and I didn’t deserve her.
Lily: Hey. I know you’re busy. I called twice yesterday and you didn’t respond. I wanted to make sure your day was alright.
Me: I’m good. Thanks for asking.
Lily: Okay. Good. I don’t want to bother you, so I’ll let you get back to work.
Me: Where are my manners? Forgive me. How is your day going?
Lily: It’s going…I have five minutes before my next class comes in, so I took this as a chance to text you.
Me: Thanks for your support.
Lily: You’re welcome. I’m always here for you! =) Your mom wants me to come down soon. I think I will.
Me: Really? Are you going to finally tell me where you’re living at now?
Lily: Max, please not now. I can’t. My students are beginning to arrive. TTYL!
Staring down at her cell number in my phone, I lean back in my leather chair with a smirk on my face in spite of my current circumstances. She cut off all contact with me and refused to tell me where she moved to, no matter how much I begged. Three years later she decides to call me when my life makes a turn for the worse.
Maybe I will use this number to track her down.
I glance back down at Isabel’s letter.
Would she really leave me when everything was just beginning to blossom for us?
To be fair to myself, I am not ruling anything out. Scrolling through my contacts, I find the head of my security team, Tie. “Hey, Tie. I want to get an envelope tested, maybe for prints too. And I have a number here. I need to know the location of its origins.”