The Best Love Letter Ever
Kira picked up her laptop. How long had it been since she had fallen in love with Sam? It was a ridiculous scenario, the man was merely a picture on a page, a voice in a video, a figure who did not even identify with his own public image. She had avoided even looking at him for years, and yet, he still dominated her thoughts, her actions, her mode of being. She did not blame him for this. She had chosen it. Even as a form of madness it had surpassed her life as it had been before. She felt, in short, better about her repressive obsession that she had ever felt about her suppressed reality.
It was time, however, to release herself from at least part of it. She had to break out of it to become the person she needed to be. She needed to fledge her wings, and so she sat down to tell him, for good or ill.
Dear Sam,
As you may or may not know, I have struggled for many years with my feelings for you. I never intended to explain this to you fully, but I now find that if I don't I will continue to make myself ill under a variety of alternative pretexts. I am tired of doing this. I have no idea quite why you are my Achilles heel, but I am past caring. You are welcome to keep my heart, as I believe that you are the safest place I could put it, but I do need my brain back to progress the project from this end. Therefore I am going to go through this point by point, not in an effort to capture you, but in an effort to free me. The 'play space' that you occupy in my brain has been a source of great comfort, great anguish, great delay and great inspiration, so this is a risky move, but I fear it may now be necessary.
As the years have gone by, I have gone through a number of phases in terms of my thoughts. I am aware that as a gratificationist you will find this unnecessary and a fine example of overthinking, but I am your opposite, and so I like to savour and celebrate life's moments, good and bad. My bittersweet regard for you has been the very finest of those. I shall go through the phases one by one, and hopefully this will explain the reasons why:
Cynicism – the Hedonistic Utilitarian
You may remember my comedy sketch from years ago in my highly critical and yet complimentary moment of creative movie madness. I spent six weeks making this film, and even I had no idea why I was doing it. For the benefit of the audience, the sketch goes thus:
A lady, tired of being single, invites all of her single friends to her house for a party, intending for them all to bring a male friend. Only one of her friends brings a male with her. He is the most beautiful man she has ever seen. They get to chatting. They get on well until she tries to invite him on a date.
“No, he says, I cannot get involved with anyone.” He looks upset. She asks him why? “ I am a hedonistic utilitarian.”
“I am sure we can work it out?” she persists.
“No,” he is almost weeping “You don't understand. I am a Hedonistic Utilitarian.”
He then stands up, calls the ladies to attention, pointing to his groin. “Hey ladies, I have something here that will maximise the pleasure for the greatest possible number of people in this room.”
This is a philosophical gag which basically insinuates that you are rather over-generous with your affections. Whilst your reputation would indicate that there is some truth in this, it also indicates that I am too inadequate to regard myself as standing up to the competition. I am however, amazed that I had sufficient confidence to put that together with my extensive critique of the raw food 'counter culture' and my edited criticism of your book.
So then, I wanted your attention, but I was damned if I was going to be disrespected as I got it, no matter who you were. Amazingly assertive for somebody with no real hope of ever having the confidence to see you in person, never mind make my case as the most stimulating nobody you have never met. This act of creation was nothing to do with conscious thought and everything to do with a strange and wildly strong physical attraction based on nothing more than instinct and a few exchanged words. I am still astonished at this to this day. Clearly I am stronger and yet weaker than I think.
Abstraction – the Birth of the Artist
On my inevitable rejection at the hands of the 'Redwoodess' and the rest of the stable, apparently (none of them seemed to be able to check a facebook profile which makes me wonder about your IQ selection) my 'useful repression' kicked in and I started to work. As you know, my work very quickly got into some of the major magazines, so there is something to my father's 'don't work unless you can't help it' approach. Personally, I think they are still very much in development, but without further stimulus and space to work, perhaps the artwork element should run secondary to future non-fiction writing. In any case, I was so upset that I could only create artwork, and so I have the website as an example of the time wasted on nurturing imaginary relationships as a form of self-development. It is gratifying to know that even when I can barely speak with misery, that I can still work, however.
A point to note here is that the ego is essential to well-being, and essential to the creative process. Subverting the ego is a dangerous thing, and leads to anger in people who do not understand what has upset them. Perhaps you should rethink some of your techniques, as this is costing you money commercially. I chose to turn my energy to creation, others decide to make efforts to destroy – therein hangs a problem which has dogged you for some years.
Analysis – the Birth of the Author
As I have mentioned in previous work, love is, when intellectualised, a lack of something. A form of penis envy, if you want to look at it that way. So, I had to run through the things I did not have to figure out why I needed you so urgently. Confidence, fearlessness, selfishness, reckless drive in the face of endless opposition were all features that I had some reason to perhaps be jealous of?
Many of my companions at the time were jealous of those things without further thought, leading to more expressions of their anger. I, meanwhile, considered why I would criticise someone so much more than I? How would I rebuild myself to develop these things? How would I feel when I did so? I concluded during this period that if I wanted you, I had to develop all these areas in order to meet you halfway, rather than be yet more detritus in an already over-cluttered life. How long will this take? I still don't know, but I work hard at some of the more important internal elements.
Will there ever be an outcome? Probably not, but on the way to my idea of precious happiness I believe that the benefit is all mine anyway, regardless of my hopelessness in terms of making money. As allegories go, the labours of Hercules have sprung to mind a lot, Dionysus. I must point out, however, that my restraint and absence have produced more than any one night stand you have ever had.
Rationalisation – the Fatal return to Reality
And then I made the fatal mistake of letting someone back into my life to distract me. This irritates me. I thought my melancholy was alleviated, but instead it was compounded by fear and the depressive elements of allowing reality to stop the flow. Let this be a lesson to me. If fantasy and imagination beat reality, there are times when you should not allow reality into your life at all.
Loving you has by far surpassed any real relationship I have ever had. It has been the best insanity ever, in terms of developing me, and beginning the process of becoming me, rather than allowing my compassion to hide me from the world. For this I must again say thank you. I would never have been forced out of my shell if it had not been for this irrational and very silly period of my life.
Denial – the Decline of my Health
People can be very cruel, and very manipulative. Again jealousy reared its ugly head, my friend making food the issue preventing my moving on. Having indulged this idea by playing the gracious host, nearly destroying myself in the process, I can verify that food is no substitute for love, and no panacea for expressing emotion you do not wish to feel. Nor is simply shutting the door on your feelings.
I have never been so instantly on fire as I was when I discovered that you were married, and rarely been so inspired. You, unfortunately, make me feel. Not good, not great, not special. Feeling at all is apparently something I have delegated to you as your department. I am forced to admit defeat. You apparently don't need to do anything. I am at your mercy. You are welcome to keep my heart, I am sure it is extremely safe, as you don't even know you have it.
The Future
For my next trick, given your 'busy' state, I must repair my wound in the course of healing yours. I must finish this project, and I must follow a path I never expected to have to take. I wish you well with your family. Love is about adding, not taking away or giving ground.
Kira put down the laptop. She knew she must never send it, but she was glad that she had said it, even to herself. She had a lot of work to do. Life was short, and there was so much still to do....