The turmoil of that time is still a strong memory. I felt both fear and anger, so much so that as that year continued, the silence faded to nothing at all.
Tong was no help to me, as I did not wish him to know of the guard and my troubles. I was afraid that if he knew, he would involve himself, increasing his difficulties along with my own. As a result of that concern I withdrew even further.
I took walks by myself and thought of what I knew. I remembered the old man, and the teachings of the woman who spoke to the dead. The hope in what they had offered seemed far away.
Every moment of every day I heard a dim roar, as if there were a fire inside my head. Each day, each week, that roar grew more pronounced until I was utterly and completely emptied of joy-a condition I had never experienced before.
As that emptiness gained ground, the guard seemed to notice. He visited more frequently. His beatings increased in frequency and intensity. One day he said to me:
“If you had any courage in you, you would fight, like a man.”
I said nothing, but he smiled with contempt and said :
“I know you want to. I can see the burning in your eyes”
The next morning I woke, and there was a thought in my mind. It was a thought so terrible I could not look away. I walked all that day, trying hard not to give it a place in my mind. But by the time night came and I went to bed, I knew. The next time the guard came to visit I would kill him.