The rhythmic drums beat on into the night as Derek and Chin’s
legs finally decided to pack in after jiving for hours with the
petally natives.
“I’m done in, Chin, I need to take a rest, these plants must be
drinking something strong to keep going like that.”
Chin nodded his compliance and they both sat down to feast
some more on the delicious fish that had been prepared and also
some strange fruits that resembled white bananas but tasted acidic like oranges.
What happened next was a marvel as the drums faded to a faint
rumble; it appeared the locals had waited for their guests to finish prancing around to allow the next floor show to commence.
The great chief stood up on his gnarled stumps and clapped his
bushy hands together to welcome in a group of male and female
plants to gather opposite each other in a long line.
There they stood, in complete silence, before the first male in
the line rushed headlong at the female and, with a great crash of
flowery heads, they emerged to cough and splutter seeds as if they were suddenly attacked by hay fever.
The others followed suit and before long all suitors were
wheezing, bent double by the effort they has just made.
“Blimey, Chin, look, that’s how they pollinate, they just head
butt each other until they’ve mixed, and that’s evolution! That’s
because there were never any insects, ingenious.”
“I could have given wife head butt, may have fixed problem
from start,” sighed Chin.
Derek looked over at his melancholic friend. From the sounds
of it, he was glad that he hadn’t had the misfortune of meeting
Chin’s other half, but it suddenly brought him back to earth with a shudder when he thought of his own Honey, the woman he so
desperately wanted to kiss once more.
“Chin, I have no idea how we got here but I feel very
sorrowful right now. I wish I could get back and start again with
my wife. I would give anything to be back at the Supersuds’
Factory. I would love to go home to my problems and my kids
screaming and wish this was all a big dream.”
Derek looked down at the soft creamy ground and hoped that
his prayers would be answered like they had been in Korea. He
couldn’t envisage the thought of spending the rest of his life on this planet eating fish and watching a violent daily mating ritual.
“It’s not enough, Chin, I want to go home.”
His friend thought for a moment before replying. “Not me,
Derek, I like here, build big fishing boat, do what I please.”
Derek stood up and walked over to the chief who raised
himself on his rooty stubs to greet his visitor. “Your Highness, I wish to go back to the beach and look up at the stars now, through my telescope.”
The wizened old bush hadn’t a clue what he was talking about
as he possessed no ears and could only feel the rumble of sounds.
He just stood there perfectly demonstrating how proper plants
should stand.
Derek bowed and turned to make his way back to the beach,
the crowd of demanding plants stood there for a little while before parting in a flowery wake as he strolled despondently past to the
amazement of his friend.
“I see you later, Derek, eat more fish, then join you.”
It took an hour to get back to the beach where it had all started
and Derek knelt down to slurp some more of the delicious water.
The stars were out in the unpolluted heavens and he assembled his
telescope to see if he could glimpse anything that could be
familiar.
There were definite formations twinkling up overhead but as
he zoomed around from section to section he came to the
realisation that he was definitely sitting on a planet in a distant galaxy that had been untouched by any earth bound observers.
“It’s remarkable, it really is, not a single constellation is
known, how can this be?”
The silent mass of pin pricks in the black velvety sky could
offer no answer. They were who they were and that was that as far
as they were concerned.
Derek had seen enough after an hour of gazing and decided it
was time to turn it in, so he made his way back to his wooden igloo to lie down on the soft sand cooled by the warm balmy breeze that
constantly wafted overhead.
“When I wake up, Lord, please let it be Runcorn or even
Widnes, at a push.”
“Thank you for a lovely evening, Brian, the show was
amazing,” cooed Honey from the comfort of his sports car.
“Don’t mention it, Honey, we should have done this a long
time ago when we were teenagers.”
Honey quickly replied, “Let’s … let’s not think about the past
and just take each day as it comes.”
Brian nodded his approval which made his hair brush the roof
of the low seated pocket rocket as if he was valeting it. It was
quickly picked up by Honey who was coming to see it as an
impediment, much like a stammer.
“Brian, can I ask you a personal question?”
“By all means, anything you like.”
Honey shifted uneasily in her seat at the mere thought of
asking, it seemed too early in their relationship to say but it had to be said. “Have you ever thought of, well, you know, ermm, well,
it’s hard to say really.”
Brian was already formulating the idea of the awkward
question being something more intimate. He had chased the ladies
for years but somehow Honey had always slipped the net and now
it was time to close in.
“Don’t be shy, Honey, I know what you’re getting at.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I get asked it all the time, it’s black and white with me,
you’re entitled to ask so go ahead and say it.”
Honey smiled back as Brian thought it was about the time he
got asked in for a discreet coffee. He leaned over with a quizzical expression to hear her say it … he loved the chase as much as he
loved the chasing.
Honey couldn’t hold it in much longer, “It’s your hair, Brian,
ever since I’ve known you it’s been quite high, I thought you
might have something a little cropped and manageable by now?”
Brian’s whole world came crashing down, all the mirrors in the
world shattered and the narcissistic minions rushed in wild panic to the sanctity of their bathrooms after hearing that statement.
“Wh ... wh ... what’s wrong with it, it’s my crowning glory,
Honey?” he feebly offered as a reply.
“Well that’s just it, Brian, it is a crown, it sits aloof on top of your head. If we’re to date more I think you should get it cut. I
can’t keep my eyes off it. I’m sorry, we could never visit the
cinema or other gathering for fear of upsetting other visitors. I
hope you understand?”
Brian sat wounded in his two seater as Honey planted a kiss on
his cheek as a thank you for the evening and made her way up the
driveway to Gloria’s. She turned to wave goodbye but was met
with a cloud of smoke from the screech of tyres as Brian raced
away, his wounded pride seeping all over the floor of the cockpit.
“Cow,” was all he could say.
He screeched into Blossom Meadows at a rate of knots,
repeatedly glancing in the rear view at his so called ‘crowning
glory’ and failed to see the metal skip that had been placed just
outside Derek’s property for the final clean up.
He slammed on his brakes at the last minute before careering
left up the mound and into the metre deep depression that formed
the base of Derek’s house.
“Damn this to hell!” he cried as he tried to reverse the BMW
Z3 out of the ditch but it was no use.
“How am I going to explain this to the boys at the station?
Ridiculous, I’ll be the laughing stock.”
He could imagine them making all sorts of tongue in cheek
references to holes, dips, depressions, chasms and the like and he tried to conjure up a plan of action that no one would know about.
A thought popped into his head that he could get the vehicle
reported as stolen but that wouldn’t work as it had happened only
five minutes after dropping Honey off. The only solution he could
think of was to find an out of town tow man to take it away but it would cost an arm and a leg.
He stepped out of the car and could see no visible damage,
only his pride was damaged and he quickly lit up a cigarette and
stood in the hole contemplating Honey’s last comment.
“I never did rate you anyway, Honey, I just wanted to conquer
you.” he crudely remarked as he took a large puff on his Marlboro.
He reached for his comb and stroked his bonnet back into
shape before looking over at the road to see if anyone has noticed his Evil Knieval stunt. Luckily no one had except maybe for one
bystander who had been watching him intently the minute he had
clambered our of his car.
This particular resident didn’t care whether his reputation was
at stake or even the height of his barnet … it was hungry and
wanted a feast.
Brian had almost smoked to the end of the cigarette when he
heard the low rumblings, a gurgle that stirred a kind of primeval
terror within his very core, something he had never experienced
before.
He turned quickly to see what the source was and was greeted
with the most hideous sight imaginable, its rows of menacing
uniformed teeth and dripping saliva were but a few inches from his face.
He didn’t have time to scream, the only sound that could be
heard was the faint plop of the cigarette butt as it hit the soft dirt below, audible only to a worm that happened to be passing.
The night air returned to normal in Blossom Meadows, the
only clue that something was amiss was the red flash of the rear
tail lights sticking out of the muddy trough at number 42.
Derek woke up between crisp linen sheets in the most
comfortable bed imaginable. He couldn’t believe his luck, maybe
there was a god after all and he’d answered Derek’s prayers. He
took in the soft furnishings that definitely had a feminine touch and although he didn’t recognise his surroundings, it was
quintessentially English and he let out a big sigh of extreme
happiness.
“If someone comes screaming at me through the door I don’t
care, I’m just glad to be back,” he muttered to himself.
There was no sign of Chin, which was a big shame, but he
knew that his friend would probably be as carefree as the day they had met, living on that island with the myriad of plants and of
course, his favourite creature, the fish.
He could hear the sound of sizzling downstairs and the smell
of bacon had wafted itself through the bedroom door, enticing his
nostrils, so he got up to investigate. He was tentatively making his way downstairs when a female voice called out.
“Derek, your breakfast’s ready.”
Instantly he froze, the voice sounded so much like Honey’s but
the house wasn’t his. It had a grand air to it as if it was a vision of Derek’s success in another life … somehow it just didn’t feel right.
He reached the hallway and could see the back of a figure
standing over the cooker. The hair and the curves told him it must be Honey and he ran towards her in sheer joy.
“Honey, oh, Honey, I can’t believe it’s you, I’ve had an awful
time …”
She turned to face him and Derek let out a scream … it was
Honey’s body but with the face of Chin.
“Arrrggghh!”
Derek awoke drenched in sweat and felt the soft sand pressed
against his face once again, it had all been a horrific dream.
“Why you scream, Derek?” asked his familiar friend who was
busy constructing something outside of the igloo from a large
gathering of wood.
He just lay there cursing his god and his misfortune yet again;
there was no escape, no transportation, nothing.
“We’re doomed, Chin, we’re never going to leave this island!”
sobbed Derek.
“You calm down, my friend, we leave island as soon as boat
built.”
Derek crawled out of the narrow opening to be greeted by the
sight of Chin’s frenetic activity while he had been asleep.
A big smile lit up on Chin’s face as he gestured towards his
creation, “Wood good for boat, easy make, we fish.”
The same wood the igloo was built from had been collected
and laid all around in various states of construction as Chin worked feverishly to build a rudimentary half raft/half boat.
“No sail so we make paddle, wood over there like bamboo,
make good spears, see what we find.”
Derek shook his head and flopped down into the sand, if he
had a single coin in his pocket and a phone line the only call he
would make would be the Samaritans. It was just too much, he
could see no future, just bleakness, as much as the island dazzled like a jewel in the South Pacific it didn’t help his predicament.
“I want my family back, Chin, I can’t spend the rest of my
days fishing and watching floral dances!”
Chin nodded but he wasn’t really listening as he laid the
foundations of the hull with the interlocking pieces.
A small flower came scurrying over and stared at Derek in
wonderment. He reached out with his leaves and touched his leg as
if he was offering sympathy. Derek reciprocated and held the faint blue bushiness in a kind gesture.
“This reminds me of Jack, my youngest. I really miss him and
the girls.”
The infant plant ran off and joined another group of plants
further up the beach for playtime.
Derek started to cry, it was impossible not too.
“Happiness is mind state, Derek, help build boat, we find
happiness.”
He wiped the tears away with the palm of his hand and slowly
stood up to join Chin.
“Nothing else to do, Chin, may as well occupy my time.”
Chin laid a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “Derek, you
complicated man, I teach you simple life, simple mean happy,
Chin say that.”
“You’re a ridiculously simple man my friend and I don’t know
what I would do without you, let’s build.”
They worked tirelessly for hours in the hot baking sun
stopping only for drinks from the shore and eating offerings of fish by the locals who would come scampering down to the boat to take
in the wondrous sight.
The Sun beat its relentless retreat into the horizon; after a
while a thought popped into Derek’s head as he passed sections of
wood over to his friend. “Chin, we’ve worked relentlessly for what seems like ages and there’s one thing I’ve come to realise as we’ve been working.”
“You not notice much, Derek, but what you notice this time?”
“Why the heck are we building a boat when every hour, on the
hour, we receive fish from the locals, what’s the point?”
Chin stood up from his work and scratched his face as if to
ponder the question.
“Good point Derek, stupid idea, put tools down, have wash
then eat?”
As there were no tools it was easy to put them down and they
both abandoned the almost complete ship on the shore and
wandered back into the clearing to take their seats at the next feast.
“I must congratulate those of you who have managed to
persevere with the very same specimens that embarked on the first
experiment.”
All eyes were fixed on the Grand Visioneer as he strode with
authority around the ginormous sizzling globe that dominated the
lecture room. Each God Boy, even the ones that were not in the
running anymore, stopped to will their best wishes to each other.
Of course there was always one, no matter what plinth you
happened to be sitting upon. It was clear that envy lurked behind
every nook and cranny and God Boy’s nemesis was indeed venting
his anger at him for his lucky lottery choice in the form of Derek Hill.
The Visioneer continued. “A most marvelous group of pupils
this semester and I must announce that we have two clear leaders
within this competition. I cannot tell you who, of course, and I can feel some of you have already attempted to will this information
from me, but you will fail.”
Several God Boys gave up the attempt sensing they had a lot to
learn; the Visioneer would make an excellent poker player.
“Now, listen very carefully, class, the Cross-World Habitat test
experiment will end very soon and for the two pupils who have
raced into the lead, I will only hint that it is important that your specimen survives to the end. The very best of luck to you both!”
It was clear to all who the two leaders were and there was
really no ill will towards either of them. For one of them it was
plain sailing all the way, you couldn’t really kill a Gloopbilge,
there were far too many sections to them, each capable of growing
again if the need arose.
The specimen couldn’t have been anymore placid and non
aggressive either. It was so dull and non descript in fact, that your mind would simply forget it had seen it in the first place, much like looking at a piece of grey cardboard or trying to remember a
musical talent show hit.
An idea formed deep within the evil boy’s mind, one that
could not be accessed by any of the others. Perhaps the Visioneer
had sensed it but if he did, he showed no reaction.
Derek Hill had made friends with the flowery inhabitants but
there had to be a way to dispose of him before the experiment
ended. He eyed the largest natural feature on the island and
wondered if he could will it enough to spring into action; did he
have enough strength?
A couple of weeks had passed quite uneventfully for Derek
and Chin. The only benefit of their incarceration was the superb
tans that now donned their bodies, sort of a castaway George
Hamilton. Their diet had been simple and it reminded Derek of a
certain pub in London he had once visited on a day trip to London
Bridge that displayed taps such as Beer, Lager and Wine.
It proved to them both that monotony had its benefits but for
Derek his life remained unfulfilled and it was clear to Chin that as the days rolled on, his friend was becoming increasingly
depressed.
They were sitting on Nelly Beach yet again watching a fire
flicker away and illuminate the dark, starry surroundings. Derek
was perched on a piece of flat pack furniture Chin had fashioned
from the same boat material but such creature comforts had failed
to assuage his mood.
“You no talk, Derek, your friend very lonely,” said Chin.
Derek turned sullenly to his confidant and with a shrug of his
heavy shoulders declared, “I miss my family, I like you, my friend, but it’s not enough.”
If Chin had been westernized he might have thought he was
stranded on the island with only a copy of REM and a tape player
with a short battery life that warped the sounds into a slow deep
tone.
“Life strange, maybe we go back again like before, Derek?”
A big sigh released itself into the night, “Fat chance Chin, the
labour camp was a couple of days but this time I’ve lost count of
the days. I think this is it, I can’t go on anymore.”
His Korean friend had heard enough, “You stupid man, Derek,
you laugh, I laugh, simple life or we die from boredom.”
“Death sounds like a holiday, my friend.”
Chin had heard quite enough and shot up to kick his seat into
the fire, “You stupid, stupid man, I go and speak to flower, make
more sense than you.”
Derek watched as his aggrieved companion stormed up the
beach and into the clearing with a wave of his arms in frustration.
“You’re better off, Chin, I don’t think I will be good company
from now on.”
A thought flashed across his mind as he watched the dark
lagoon gently sway to and fro, it was only about three hundred
metres to the outer wall of the coral; he could just simply swim out there until he could swim no more.
For once there was wasn’t any hint of evil will from his
unknown watcher from the heavens, this was almost free will and
Derek rose from his chair and slowly paddled out into the balmy
waters to meet his fate.
It seemed so natural to him now but once again he was robbed
of any inspiring last words, all he could say was a very clichéd,
“Goodbye, cruel world!” it was the same tired words from his
earlier attempt.
Suddenly the sky lit up with an intense flash followed by a
huge explosion and Derek was propelled head first into the water.
For a millisecond he thought that maybe it was the start of a great journey but as he surfaced, he turned to see huge flames of molten red shooting out of the great volcano that dominated the landscape of this small island.
“Bloody Hell, it’s another Krakatoa!” he screamed and could
hear the sound of breaking foliage as his partner raced back
through the undergrowth to appear again on the beach.
“Volcano! Derek, quick.”
“Oh, my God. Quick? What do you mean?”
“Make boat, gather wood, finish, we paddle away.”
Derek was panicking now as the thought of instant death had
lost its appeal, especially death by barbecue. He could see the boat lying there in the flickering glow of the dying fire and Chin’s
frantic efforts to build a makeshift Meccano set.
Another almighty blast erupted from the dark shape above and
plumes of lava shot high into the sky, the shrouded scenery was lit up all around from the spew of its hot contents as it slowly
streaked down the volcano’s flanks and consumed all that lay in its path.
Suddenly the undergrowth was yet again alive with noise and
the sound of scampering was heard from all directions as their
flowery friends shot out from the treeline in wild panic. Some
dived into the sea and just lay there like pond lilies but it didn’t offer any relief.
“Derek, I say again, quick, gather wood, help make boat.”
As always Chin remained quite calm but even he was showing
signs of strain.
A multitude of plants noticed his efforts to construct the
strange shape and decided to scurry back into the bushes to help
retrieve the materials he so badly needed.
Derek started gathering odds and ends and handing them to the
feverish worker, a few plants had made it back with the
interlocking parts to drop them at his feet before running back into the dense blanket of green.
The nasty God Boy sat sniggering from above at the
specimen’s plight; He had taken the advantage of a recess to stay
behind to see his plan unfold, although to the departing pupils it had meant an Earth week had already passed. This particular boy
had wanted to explode it as soon as he had conjured the thought,
such is the impulsive power of the scheming wrong doer.
“Blimey, Chin, I can feel the heat already, it won’t be long
before this boat is burning too.”
The smoke, by now, was intense and flames could be seen in
the background as they continued their fiery path towards the boat builders.
“Keep build, Derek, important.”
The boat was close to completion but there was no certainty
whether it would float at all. It wasn’t very big either, definitely not on the scale of Noah’s, but perhaps he had wanted to scoff at
the plans of his poorer neighbours who could probably only afford
to take a single badger or a scrawny fox.
Hundreds of panic stricken plants had descended on the beach
in formation. Derek could see that the chief who had entertained
them on the first night was busy trying to keep order for the full scale evacuation but didn’t have a clue what to do.
“Even if this boat floats we can’t take them all Chin, they
might even hijack the vessel and throw us overboard.”
Chin looked up at his friend who was sweating like only Eric
Roberts could do and scratched his chin, “You make good point,
Derek, but they feed us, we help them.”
Derek ran off to gesture to the chief who, without any form of
clipboard, could not count his flock or create any order. He flapped his a