God Boy was looking down upon his specimen with interest,
he didn’t know how long it would be before the test was over but
he knew that he would probably lose marks for his choice of
habitat. The sea may be many things but it couldn’t conjure up a
burger or ready meal for Derek, the only hope he had was if he
made it to the fourth experiment.
There were a couple of Boys neck and neck with him by now,
according to the Visioneer, the brightest out of the two of them had selected a strange creature called a Gloopbilge; it was shaped like a long centipede, each section of the slimy grey beast contained a
stomach and there were fifty such sections, as soon as a morsel
entered its dribbly mouth it was sent on a long gastric journey of approximately two years. There was no chance it was going to
starve even if it didn’t find any food.
To God Boy’s dismay even the pheromone experiment had
gone well for this crawling piece of bile, all the musk in the world would have had no effect as it was so ugly. It relied on its own
sections to break off after a new one was grown, to eventually turn into a new Gloopbilge.
He eyed his own creature amongst the crowd and wondered
what he was doing, whatever it was it didn’t contain anything for
him to eat, no matter how hard he smashed his tool down onto it.
Derek was looking up at the sky cursing his God for the
umpteenth time, he was hoping he would transport him back like
before, he knew it had to be a God by now as nothing else but
divine intervention could do such a thing.
He raised his pickaxe once more and brought it down heavily
onto a piece of stubborn rock, large splinters came off and he could feel the vibration in his wrists as it rebounded back.
Next to him, and forming a long line of equally futile rock
breakers, stood about 80 prisoners of the state of North Korea. All of them were Korean who may have just managed to get lost
across the border like himself. There must have been the same type of camp on the south side of the border too. They looked up
occasionally with interest at this white faced big eyed man, he
looked odd to them but they all came to the same conclusion, he
must be a spy.
Every so often a Guard would shout orders at them to continue
digging the foundations for a glorious new road connecting a
northern town to Pyongyang.
Derek was sure this was his final card dealt from the pack and
what a pathetic card it turned out to be. He could be here for years with no hope of escape, crushing rocks until he keeled over into
the dirt. Some of the prisoners were crying because, like him, it
was their first day on the job but Derek was used to monotony, he
had been trained in the art of it for 15 years at Supersuds, this was a bit of a holiday compared to Mr. Driver’s line. If he managed to get back, he would take one of the big guard-hats back to present it to him, it would suit him.
Eventually a break was called in Korean, he did what everyone
else did and gathered around a large soup canteen. The food wasn’t that bad, mostly fish and rice, better than Honey’s cooking in fact and, if he had been Korean, he may well have wanted to stay.
The Visioneer came walking past God Boy and eyed the
efforts of Derek far, far below him.
“I can see your subject got into a bit of trouble at the outset,”
he said and turned to look at the nasty child sat close by, his intent made the boy shudder and look away, “but this particular specimen
has adapted to his challenging circumstances, he has learnt the
trade between work and food, albeit forced. Well done.”
God Boy smiled again, he may well keep up with the
Gloopbilge after all.
Derek was exhausted and bewildered after a tortuous 10 hour
rock breaking day; he shuffled in line with all the others to climb aboard the heavy lorries for transportation back to the detention
camp. There was no one to talk to, everyone spoke only Korean.
This would be hard on any man if he thought he would be here for
a long time and Derek certainly felt it.
The convoy bumped and jolted along the dusty track, it
stretched for miles and must have taken a lot of manpower to
build. He thought back to the Second World War and the
conditions they had to live in when building the Burma railway, it was nothing like this, it gave him some comfort. Eventually the
trucks made it back to the large barbed wire enclosed compound,
all along the fences were watchtowers and machine guns trained on
the occupants.
He got off the back of the truck and looked around to see if a
notice had been posted up declaring the new summer acts at this
holiday camp, it was sure to be the Chuckle Brothers or even Chas
and Dave, maybe a surprise appearance by Emu.
He was ordered to shuffle quick time back to his hut and as he
got inside he noticed it was some sort of bed rotation system, the next shift got off and the exhausted ones flopped onto them. He
had heard of double bookings before but this was ridiculous.
Derek dropped down onto his bunk within the dilapidated
building and began to sob.
“Please God, save me from this hell, let me go back to my
home, I won’t complain about another reject again, I’ll order the
conservatory and religiously take my daughters wherever they
want to go.”
Derek fell asleep after his bedtime prayer and was so tired he
didn’t dream of a single thing.
It was already coming up to 3pm and an angry sweaty man
was seen to be pacing around looking for something or someone.
His pin dot eyes glanced at the telephone number in front of him
and he began furiously pressing the buttons. He had tried several
times to no avail.
“Where the hell is Derek? He had better have a good
explanation for this absence!”
It was Mr. Driver again, he was fuming and everyone on the
line was in no doubt that Derek was in serious trouble by now, it
was a capital offence to even phone a minute past 9am to say you
were ill, the declaration of rigor mortis had to at least be 30
minutes prior to allow for a replacement operative.
Mr. Driver knew this fact very well, he had even sent someone
around to knock on Derek’s door but no one had answered.
Everyone on the line were keeping their heads down, they
hoped Derek would return sometime soon, they knew Mr. Driver
would no doubt hire someone as equally zealous as himself. Since
his transfer from feminine hygiene products to this line almost a
year ago, he had led a campaign of terror against Derek.
It was probably his kindness towards others that was seen as a
weakness in the boss’s eyes. The man commanded authority to
bully and harass for no reason other than for sick pleasure. It
would be his downfall before long and the two written warnings
were a testament to it. Derek would have some serious questions to answer when he finally did arrive back.
The hours passed quite quickly for Derek and he was stuck fast
in the land of slumber enjoying his sleep on a cozy mattress with a plush pillow. He could feel the sunlight filtering in through the
curtains and heard the sound of birds chirping outside, like he
always did when snuggled up in his bed for the remaining hour
before work.
The alarm went off. It started off quietly and grew to a strong
warble, he couldn’t remember owning one so loud, eventually his
senses started to wake up and it was his hearing that climbed out of bed first. This was no ordinary alarm, however, but the sound of a humungous bugle outside!. A strong arm grabbed him and started
to shake him like a salt cellar, he peered through his half opened eyes to see he hadn’t arrived back in his house in Runcorn after all, it was the last shift worker telling him to get out so he could climb back in.
Derek gave out a terrific scream, it was blood curdling like the
ones you hear in 50’s B movies, he was in one right now and there
was no escape. He was pushed outside still wearing his overalls
and thrown onto a lorry, this camp was certainly relentless in its efficiency.
Derek watched despairingly as the truck motored its way back
to the construction site, he silently prayed again for deliverance, he hoped he would be heard this time.
Honey was sitting in her mother’s conservatory looking across
the brightly lit green expanse of a finely tended garden. She had
spent the evening fighting off arm tugs from her three children.
Jack was too young to make much sense but she knew he was
missing his Daddy’s leg to cling to when his sisters became too
much for him. Ella and Citron were more inquisitive but Honey
had told them he had gone on a work trip and wouldn’t be back yet
so they were spending the time with their Nan.
If truth be told, she was missing him herself, but in front of her domineering mother she couldn’t really show it. Her past gripes
and moans about his inability to function like a normal husband
had become concentrated over time, so much so that he had been
tainted as a cruel heartless monster, tight with his wallet and
clueless about his family’s needs.
It didn’t matter to Gloria anyway; she compared Derek against
her late husband, Ralph, who was a shining star and never put a
foot wrong in her eyes, a model husband. She thought Derek
matched his Montego perfectly, it summed up his aspirations.
Gloria came in with two cups of tea. “Here you are, dear. I
wish you wouldn’t keep staring off into the distance.”
Honey thanked her mom for the cup of tea. “It’s not that. I love
being here and the kids love their Nan, but we are a family unit. I know Derek is there, just staring into his bloody telescopes,
wondering when I’m going to call.”
“Honey, you’re not the one in the wrong, he acted
outrageously and it’s him alone that is at fault here. I don’t know why you didn’t go out with Brian when he asked you, before that
wimpy man was ever on the scene!”
“Mother! Derek isn’t a wimp and I didn’t like the look of
Brian, he had shifty eyes and funny hair. I don’t think I could have trusted him and besides, he always used to wear a silly cravat.”
It seemed that men needed a lesson in appearance if they ever
were going to be successful in mating.
“Nonsense. Brian was a lovely man, he reminded me of a
young Clark Gable.”
Honey sniggered at the comparison, “Clarke Kent at the Daily
Planet more like!”
Her mother was alarmed that her own daughter couldn’t see
that Brian was, in fact, his stunt double.
“Anyway I saw Brian outside the gents’ hairdressers in town.
He looked as lovely as the day I first met him. He asked after you, I said you were on the hunt for a proper man.”
Honey’s temperament changed from longing to enraged,
“Mother! I am not on the lookout. All I want is my Derek back.
His hair may not be as bouffant as I’m sure Brian’s still is, he
might not look the dashing prince but he cares for me and the kids.
I won’t have anymore talk about it!”
Honey stormed off to hide the fact she was starting to cry. Her
mother knew it was only a matter of time before she caved in,
besides, she had invited Brian for Sunday lunch so they could get
reacquainted again but that fact could wait for later. What Honey
didn’t know was that Gloria had been on very good speaking terms
with a certain Mr. Driver and had been plotting Derek’s downfall
for quite some time; sooner or later she would smell victory.
The rhythmic hum of metal against rock was heard all along
the line of glorious workers for the people’s transformation of
North Korea. Derek would soon look like a Muscle Beach regular
before long. He lifted up his pickaxe for the umpteenth time to
make waste to some stubborn rock when a shard came splintering
off and sliced some skin off his hand. Derek yelped at the pain. It was only a flesh wound but he wasn’t a DIY enthusiast and had
never had the misfortune of witnessing the saw of death or hitting your finger on a cold day with a hammer trying to drive a nail in.
He almost fainted at the sight of his horrific one centimetre by
one centimetre gash. It was far worse than a paper cut and he
screamed for help. One of the guards came running over to inspect
and started laughing and ridiculing Derek in front of his comrades.
He didn’t know what they were saying but ridicule is indeed a
universal language; Derek turned back to his rock splitting. He
didn’t know how long he had to live, it could take months before
he succumbed to his injuries.
A fellow prisoner heard his plight and made a mental note to
speak with him later. He were curious about his circumstances, he
sure didn’t look Korean, he was definitely European and they all
looked the same.
The sun carried on its relentless pursuit of Derek’s remaining
pasty white patches; he would be unrecognizable before long. He
remembered the scene in City Slickers when Billy Crystal referred
to Jack Palance as a ‘saddlebag with eyes’. He was heading the
same way but the memory made him laugh and forget about the
misery of his injury.
The guard called for chow down and everyone dropped their
tools to see what was cooking. Derek was dreaming of a Sunday
roast and herb mash, he took his dust covered bowl and stood in
another line awaiting his spectacular portion to be served.
Fish and rice, it was all the same and his heart despaired again
at the thought. He’d heard of people living on beans for years, but it was unlikely they had ended up floating in the sea miles from
home before being sent to work in a mine.
The guard slapped the gruel into his bowl and Derek sat down
on a rock. He was aching already and it was only midday; another
four hours to go, they had started at 6am.
A tired looking Korean man walked over to him, “Can I sit?”
It was music to Derek’s ears; he never expected any of them to
speak English. He nodded his head in agreement and the man
plonked himself down on the same rock.
“You speak English?” asked Derek.
“Yes, a little. I watch you over there. I am Man-Young. Why
are you here?”
It felt like everyone wanted to know why he was there.
“Derek Hill, I got a parking ticket and I failed to pay it on
time.”
The man responded with a dumb look, these English people
were very strange. “Are you a collaborator with South Korea?” he
asked.
“No, no, I have no clue why I am here. One minute I was
sitting in my bath …” the words were cut short, it was a ridiculous story. “Why are you here?”
The man gave a big sigh, “I am a fisherman. I make wrong
turn and end up here. I am South Korean.”
Maybe all of the work crew whacking rocks with metal were
fisherman thought Derek. “You should all sue the SatNav
companies for bad maps!”
Man-Young clearly didn’t understand and, standing up,
prepared to walk off.
“No wait, sorry, I don’t know why I am here. Like you, I
drifted off course and now I am in the same boat, excuse the pun,
Sir. Were you picked up a few days ago like me?”
The Korean gave a grave shake of his head. “No, I have been
here for nine months, like rest of them. I don’t see my family for while, wait for prisoner exchange.” The sad man nodded to Derek,
“Enjoy stay here; we make friends, you teach me English, I teach
you navigation!”
Derek smiled back at him, he looked a kindly soul. They could
have been friends but he was hoping he wouldn’t be here for that
long, no one was about to come and rescue him. He could see a
bleak future ahead of him and the worst part of it was that Gloria would be itching to file a missing persons report, hoping it would stay that way.
Daybreak had finally arrived and Derek’s nemesis was indeed
plotting his demise. Her mental cogs had started to whir and she
was busy thinking of a way to extract her precious daughter from
the arms of a man with no backbone. She likened him to a box
jellyfish that had washed up on a beach waiting for inevitable slap of a child’s spade.
Knowing that the slimy creature would be round anytime soon,
Gloria felt it was high time she put the wheels of action in motion.
She would go to see Derek before he came here, tell him some
tales of woe and to stay away from her daughter as she had made
up her mind and was leaving him. She would make up a few things
for theatrical impact.
The phone rang in the lounge and she hurried to answer it,
hoping it wasn’t him. Pleasingly, it was someone else, the very
person she was expecting to call.
“Hello Gloria, how are you this fine morning, any news on his
whereabouts?”
“Not yet. I’m going round to investigate today. Has he not
turned up at work yet?”
“Not at all and you know I like efficiency. I have an official
letter ready to give to him when he does show.”
Gloria grinned with satisfaction. “Oh poor Derek, whatever
will he do? There are always jobs at the council; I hear they’re
recruiting for road sweepers at the moment.”
The man replied in a military tone, “Quite right too, all he’s
good for. He was never very good on my watch. Same time
tonight, dear?”
“Of course, how could I resist such a handsome man such as
yourself?” she replied trying to make it sound convincing.
“Good, well let me know if you see him and tell him to come
straight back to work. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.”
Gloria put the phone down; Mr. Driver was easily pleased and
catered for she thought.
A dog tired, depressed and bewildered Derek was dropped
back off by truck at the compound. He was so exhausted he had to
be escorted by his new found friend to the correct barrack room.
“You be fine, we have Sunday half day, Derek.”
It wasn’t something he wanted to hear, that meant almost a
seven day working week; this was taking monotony a bit too far.
Derek was beginning to lose it. “Man-Young, I am tired of
rock breaking and the soup already, I need to get out of here.”
His sympathetic friend couldn’t say much. “Maybe you out
here ten month Derek; prisoner exchange like I said.”
He couldn’t wait that long but Derek had his immediate needs
to think of first. He eyed all the beds, there seemed to be more
sleeping in them than there were the day before. He looked over at his friend. “They’re sleeping three to a bed! Where do we sleep
now?”
His confidant didn’t even raise an eyebrow at Derek’s concern.
“We share, it like this all time. You get used to it. Yesterday one bed, you lucky man, work party on late night trip, many rocks
break, sleep by roadside.”
If it could get any worse, now was the time. Derek was a mere
shell of suffering but he couldn’t complain anymore, he had to
sleep. He walked over to the best bed in the whole room, which
had only two occupants in it and began to wake the men from their
slumber to begin a new shift.
Derek climbed in tentatively with his new friend, he knew
about personal space boundaries and this was taking it too far. He adjusted himself a little and was almost hanging out of the bed. He could sense Man-Young next to him; it was going to make for a
really uncomfortable night. He really was taking a break at a
British holiday camp.
“I have wife, Derek, she hog bed just like you.”
Derek prayed for Honey’s anti-spooning pillow but there
weren’t any about. He then fell asleep trying hard not to
contemplate the next day.
“I’m just nipping out, Honey dear, I won’t be long,” called
Gloria.
The kids were running rampant again; Jack wanted his
breakfast and was making quite a racket. Ella and Citron were
chasing each other through the bedrooms and landing, screaming at
the top of their voices.
Honey was trying to hear over the top of the noise “Be quiet
girls!” shouted their mother, it was like a circus. “Sorry Mother, where are you going?”
“If you must know, I’m going round to yours to check if he’s
still alive.”
“But why? Let him come over under his own steam.”
“Honey, men are all the same. They all have to be hand walked
everywhere they go, clueless the lot of them. He must get it into
his thick skull how upset you are!”
Ella piped up, “Mummy, who’s upset? Where’s daddy?”
Honey glared at her mother. “Now look what you’ve done.”
“Ella precious, me and Daddy had an argument, he hasn’t gone
away. We’ll make it better again soon.”
Ella and Citron, being twins, shared a special bond and began
to cry simultaneously.
“Mother, now look what you’ve done! Just go, tell him to
come over quick.”
Gloria waved her arm and walked out the door. This was going
to be harder than she thought, but she had to get something on him.
She knew what Mr. Driver had in store for him but was that
enough ... jobless and spineless? Honey may even take greater pity on him then. Gloria couldn’t think of anything just now but
something would turn up.
She was about to get in her car when she heard a voice calling
her from the window. “Mother, I’m coming with you. I don’t want
any arguments, I don’t want a scene and that’s that. I’ll be down in ten minutes after I get these ready.”
The new arrangements meant Gloria couldn’t pack up any of
Honey’s stuff anymore, it was a wasted journey.
The kids eventually came screaming out, happy that they
would be seeing Daddy again. They had missed pulling at his arms
and the stories he told them at night.
Gloria rolled her eyes, Brian’s lunch date may well be off.
The car slowly took the short drive over to Honey’s house.
Gloria knew it was only a matter of time, Honey would fall into
Derek’s clutches once more and job or no job, she would still have to endure seeing him again on painful visits at her house or theirs.
Pulling her Mercedes onto the drive, the kids jumped out in
expectation of seeing their Dad again. Over the road, the same
sinister looking Sedan was still parked but they were all unaware
of its reason to be there.
Honey wondered if Derek may be sitting in his observatory in
a depressed mood … it was best they came in slow and quiet.
“Pipe down children, Ella, Citron, take Jack into the living
room and wait there, I need to speak to your Daddy first, if he’s
in.”
They did as they were told and hid behind the sofa in a made
up game of ‘let’s surprise Daddy’.
There didn’t seem to be any activity downstairs. The place
looked like it hadn’t been occupied for the last few days. There
were several bills on the mat and it felt cold. Honey looked at her mother with curiosity and gestured for Gloria to follow her
upstairs.
Reaching the landing, Honey peered into Derek’s sad little
room like a professional burglar but he was nowhere to be seen, it looked just as he had left it.
Derek was sleeping rather uncomfortably and could feel an
arm draped over him but was too tired to move. He didn’t wake but
in his slumber he knew it was only a matter of hours before the
gong would go again for another day of relentless slavery, every
minute counted.
“What’s the point of pussyfooting around, Honey, he’s
obviously at work!” cried Gloria in a rather loud voice. “Just check the other rooms then we can all go back to mine.”
They both looked in to the master bedroom, pushing the door
wide open.
Derek could hear a commotion; it could only mean the other
prisoners were starting to rouse. They had obviously got used to
the routine, no one wanted to be ruled by the gong anyway.