Chapter Four. Antonio
Antonio felt like he had been given another chance at life. He no longer felt that lingering, all pervasive feeling of loss, and despair. Ever since Valeria had died, he hadn't really been able to function. The only happiness in his life had been when he would see little Alex, but even then, he always felt a bit sad that Valeria hadn't had the chance to know him. She would have been ecstatic about how fantastic he was. As grandparents, they would have been able to babysit Alex all the time, their lives would have been dedicated to little Alex. Together. Much as he loved Alex, and being with him, it did little to alleviate his sense of sadness, sometimes it even increased it. His life had been more about just going through the motions. Pretending to live, while really feeling dead inside. Although the years seemed to fly by, each individual day was long, and unbearable. His only release was going to bed, and hoping the next day would be better. It never was. He had been led to believe that time heals everything, but in his case, it didn't. He felt like he had been cheated out of so many good years with Valeria. All because of his spoilt brat of a son. He could never forgive him, for having taken Valeria away from him for so many years. And for what? Antonio just couldn't come to terms with any of it. What had it all been for? Why had any of it happened? Now that he had found Nastya, he didn't feel at all like he was betraying his love for Valeria. He knew that she would be happy that he had found someone to share his life with. In fact, she had told him to do that, when she knew that she would no longer be able to be there with him. Over the years, when he would visit Valeria's grave, Antonio would tell Valeria all about Alex's progress, and how he was growing to be a fine boy. He never told her about his loneliness, and suffering. Even in death he didn't want to give her bad news, he always tried to put on a brave face for her. Now, he had so much to tell her.
On Sunday morning, after the first night he had spent with Nastya, he decided to go to mass, something he hadn't done for many years. Nastya had gotten away early, she had her cleaning job, and Sunday was a big day for her. The company she worked for had contracts to clean a lot of offices, and with them being shut on Sunday, that was a big day of work for her. They had barely seen each other that morning, Antonio had still been sleepy, and Nastya was up, and away, early. There had been no embarrassment between them, neither of them regretted anything. They just had time for a quick kiss, and Nastya was off. Antonio lazed in bed for a while, thinking about this massive change in his life. He wanted to know everything about Nastya, but she was very reluctant to give away anything about her past. He could tell that she was a strong woman, used to hard work, and probably, a hard life. With time he was hoping to break down her barriers, but he would do it gradually. He didn't want to pressure her, or force her to relive upsetting episodes of her life. It would be her who knew when it was time to share it all with him. He would just guide her along, letting her know that she could trust him, and that he would stand by her, no matter what.
During mass he wondered if there really was a plan for everyone, or if it was all just haphazard, with luck playing more of a part than any Divine intervention. It was good to be back in a church, but really, he didn't have much faith in God anymore. The priest gave a sermon about how everyone had his path guided by the almighty Father, and how people just had to trust that there was a reason behind it all, even when bad times were set upon you. Antonio found it all very sanctimonious, and decided that from then on, he would visit the church when there was no service, and just sit and think quietly about things. It didn't seem to him that priests really understood life any better than he did, probably even less, truth be told. In any case, it felt good to be back in a church, there was a strong feeling of, well, he wasn't really sure what it was. It was a sense of something bigger than man, an elusive sense. It was hard to fully understand, but it felt good. He left the service early, and went across to the cemetery. He had so much that he wanted to tell Valeria, but when he got to her grave, he just broke down in tears. He wept uncontrollably. All sorts of emotions were flooding through him. He wanted to relate it all to Valeria, but he didn't have the words for it. Everything that he had held inside all these years came flooding out. He stood there crying for some time, until he managed to bring himself under control. Antonio tried to tell Valeria all about Nastya, and how good he finally felt, but every time he would start a sentence, the tears would come flooding out again. He stood there in silence, he felt that probably Valeria had understood it all anyway. She had always understood him well, probably better than he did himself. He hoped she would be happy for him. He was sure she would be. He silently promised her that, now, even though he had Nastya, he would never stop visiting her, and would keep her updated on everything. As he was walking back to his car, he felt happiness, sadness, joy, and pain, all mixed together. He knew he had turned a corner, but he promised himself he would never forget the past. None of it, the good, and the bad.
That which followed was an incredibly happy period for Antonio. Nastya worked most days, but they would always meet in the evening, and she would stay over at his place at least a couple of times a week. Nastya was a big woman, but Antonio found her to be so delicate, and beautiful. Antonio had a lot of spare time, he had been on the pension since just after Valeria had died. The days now passed rapidly for him, knowing that in the evening he would see Nastya. He kept himself busy, going for walks, and reading, something which he hadn't really been able to concentrate on for many years. The two of them loved walking in the park, especially in the evening.
'Don't you just love all the colours, Nastya?'
'Yes, it is all so beautiful. And peaceful. I love park, it helps me to relax after long day's work.'
'You are a very hard worker, I hope they appreciate all you do for them.'
'Don't worry. My boss is my friend's sister. They are good to me. We are all from Moldova, and Romania, so we have lots in common. We all get along well.'
'Do you speak both languages?'
'Same language, just a few words are different, but is much the same.'
'Right, I guess in the past it was all one country. I will look it up, I would like to know more about the history of Moldova. Here in Italy, we don't really know much about east Europe.'
A young couple walked past them, in the other direction. As usual, there was a lot of sniggering, and exchanged smiles. Antonio didn't care, not in the least. He knew what most people thought about them. The old man falling in love with the much younger woman, just after his cash. He knew that wasn't the case. Unfortunately, It always made Nastya feel uncomfortable.
'Antonio, I don't want...'
'Now, you shut up! I don't give a rat's arse what those idiots think, and neither should you. We know how we feel. They can think what they like, smart arsed twats! Nastya, I don't doubt your feelings, not for an instant. Don't bother with those idiots. We know what we have. I feel so good with you. I want to be with you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.'
'I want to be with you, also. You very good man. I feel so safe, and protected with you. When I am with you, I know no one can harm me.'
When Nasty spoke like that, it sent shivers up and down Antonio's spine. He knew that her life hadn't been easy, and that she must have been hurt by someone. Hurt badly. He wanted to know all about it, but didn't want to push her. He just put his arm around her shoulders, and kissed her on the cheek.
'If those two twats come past us again, we will stop and kiss in front of them. What do you say, Nastya?'
Nastya laughed, and kissed him back, on the cheek.
'You so funny! Where I meet a man like you?'
After just a few months together, Antonio wanted to put it all on a firm footing. He knew that they both loved, and cherished, each other, and that this was the right thing to do. Nastya shared an apartment with three other women, colleagues from her cleaning job, and money was tight for her. He was all alone in his relatively big house, so it seemed like the right time to make a big change. He would ask Nastya to marry him. Lurking at the back of his mind was the reaction of his son, Marco. He knew full well that Marco would see the negative side of it all, but now, he just didn't care anymore. He still blamed Marco for having taken Valeria away from him for so many years, so he wasn't going to let him interfere in his relationship with Nastya. He hoped that Paola would continue to let him see Alex, but he needed Nastya in his life, no matter what. He loved her, and it felt so good to not have that constant feeling of loneliness. That sense of despair that had dogged him from morning to night, never leaving him. He had felt it like a tension gripping his stomach. A pervading sense of sadness that, in a weaker person, could have led to suicide. Sometimes, when he had been overwhelmed by that feeling, he had thought about killing himself. Antonio had realised that it would have been a way of stopping the total sadness, and despair, of his life, but then he would think about what Valeria would have thought about it, and he would fight his way through it. He couldn't do that to her. It would have been a betrayal to Valeria's memory. He had continued with his lonely life for her, for his Valeria. Now, he had Nastya. He was pretty sure that Nastya would accept his proposal, so he started to think about how to break it to his son. Probably, all things considered, it would be best to just tell him shortly before the wedding. That way he wouldn't have much time to try and ruin it all. Hopefully, Paola would see it all differently. In any case, it was her that really mattered. With her approval, he would still be able to see Alex grow up. It was time to pick his moment, and ask Nastya. This was all pretty new to him, so he wasn't really sure what would be the best way. Should he organise a special dinner, with flowers? Or maybe a picnic in the park? He knew that these things mattered to women, although, on the other hand, Nastya wasn't like other women. She didn't seem to care about all the usual trappings of life that mattered to most women, so maybe she would forgive him if he wasn't very romantic about it? In the end it all took care of itself, without any big plan needed.
One Sunday evening, after Nastya had worked late, they met in the park, for a quick bite to eat, and their usual walk. Antonio had bought some filled rolls from a nearby shop, and they were seated on a park bench, eating. It was a pleasant evening, there was a bit of a chill in the air, as spring hadn't yet turned to summer.
'It was very busy today. Hard work. Sunday is always big day for us. But we have lot of fun, too. It is just us in the offices, so we can talk about whatever we want.'
'It's good that you get on so well with the other girls. It makes it easier when you work with people you like.'
'Oh, yes. They are good girls, you would like them. Why you not meet them?'
'I would love to meet them. You know, why don't we have a bit of a party, we could invite them.'
'Party? What party?'
'Hey, Nastya, you know what? There's something I have been meaning to ask you. We love each other, and we get on so well, that I was wondering if.......well.... Nastya, will you marry me?'
Nastya threw her arms around him, with a big smile on her face.
'Oh, you lovely man! Of course I marry you! Antonio, what a surprise! I love you very much.'
'That is so fantastic, Nastya! I'm sorry if I wasn't very romantic about it all. I'm not really a big one for that sort of stuff.'
'What you talking about?This is very romantic. Us, here, in the park. This bench will always be my favourite place in the world. You are very romantic, Antonio. For me, this is my dream come true.'
'I would like to ask a big favour of you.'
'Sure, what you want, Antonio?'
'I haven't really told you much about my wife, how she was as a person. If you don't mind I would like you to come with me to the cemetery, so I can introduce you to her. I know she would like you, and that she would give us her blessing.'
Nastya had tears streaming down her face, and, in reply, threw her arms around Antonio, and hugged him tightly. Antonio hugged her back. Tears were streaming down his face as well.
'I don't know what I have done to deserve two such fantastic women in my life. I will cherish you forever, Nastya, and love you with all my heart.'