The Green Scapula by Denise Doherty - HTML preview

Preface

“Why me?” Marie asked with an abruptness and

 

intensity that stunned the old priest. “Why was I chosen for

 

this, for any of these things that have happened in my life?

 

I’m nothing special. I’m no different from anyone else who

 

has just come by,” Marie continued to demand through

 

clenched teeth as she gestured toward the many people

 

walking by on the ocean path before them.

 

“I can’t answer that, my friend,” the retired priest

 

feebly tried to answer the woman beside him, a woman he

 

had known as a friend for many years.“Only God knows

 

the answer to those questions. I’m just an old priest. I don’t

 

have the answers you are seeking.”

 

Marie’s intense gaze finally softened. She looked

 

down and away toward the ocean before them. Fighting

 

back tears she was finally able to regain her emotions in spite of her intense physical and emotional fatigue. In a

 

softer voice she continued.

 

“My life has been filled with such extremes. I’ve

 

known extreme poverty and neglect as well as

 

extraordinary wealth and attention. I’ve achieved success

 

on a level others could only dream about. My life has been

 

filled with repeated abuse and violation on one hand along

 

with worldwide adoration and love on the other. It has been

 

such an extraordinary journey. The hand of God has been

 

all over my life since I was a child. I’ve never questioned

 

that. God has been physically and spiritually present and

 

active throughout my life. Others actively strive and seek a

 

connection to the divine for years without success. My

 

connection was simply there. Throughout everything that

 

happened to me I knew, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that

 

God was by my side. Through the assaults and violations

 

He was there. In the lonely years He was there just as He was through the extraordinary wealth and the highest of

 

spiritual giftedness.”

 

Finally Marie seemed to be without words. She

 

looked down to the scars still visibly present in the open

 

palms of her hands. She slowly turned them over to see the

 

scars that broke through on the other side. The depth of

 

sadness on her face deeply troubled the old priest sitting

 

quietly on the bench beside her. He had no idea what to

 

say. Her questions were ones he had heard so many times.

 

Yet never had he heard them from someone with a

 

background and life history as extraordinary as this present

 

woman sitting beside him.

 

“Why me?” Marie weakly continued. “I just don’t

 

understand why it was me who was chosen to live this life.”

 

In quiet surrender the old priest simply and silently

 

prayed, Dear Lord, Please grant me Your gift of words. I
don’t know what to say.

 

***

 

Marie could both feel and hear her friend Pam

 

approaching the hospital business office area where she had

 

been working for nearly a dozen years. It seemed as if Pam

 

lived to be noticed while Marie tried always to be invisible.

 

Being invisible usually required little effort on Marie’s

 

part. It was often simply a fact of life for her.

 

“Hey, I have a great idea,” Pam abruptly stated as

 

she finally flew into the crowded office Marie shared with

 

several other workers.

 

“I’d like to go to the beach Sunday afternoon. It’s

 

supposed to be a nice day. I’ll pick you up at 2:00,” Pam

 

further stated obviously quite pleased with herself.

 

Marie simply closed her eyes and looked away.

 

“I’m practicing some of my music with that new

 

band,” Marie finally replied in slow deliberate words. You
know that, she disappointingly thought to herself. “OK, no problem. I guess I’ll see you on Monday

 

then,” Pam swiftly uttered as she flew off, stopping to talk

 

to as many as she could before leaving the office area.

 

“I’m fine today, thank you, Marie thought to herself

 

as her feelings of worthlessness and insignificance began to

 

rise up once again.

 

“Why do you take that from her,” Marie’s angry

 

coworker and semi-friend Rachel abruptly voiced from the

 

desk next to her.

 

“She knew perfectly well you were doing that on

 

Sunday afternoon. That was a bogus invite. She had

 

promised to take you out on Saturday night for your

 

birthday. She must have gotten herself a better offer. That’s

 

why she was fishing around just yesterday trying to find out

 

what your plans were for the weekend. You already told

 

her what you were doing. Now she pretends she doesn’t

 

remember and changes her invite to the time she “knows”

 

you are not available. Can’t you see that?” By this time Marie had withdrawn into herself.

 

Rachel’s continuing words were beginning to fade as she

 

thought back to how little sleep she had the night before.

 

I could use a weekend to myself without this
aggravation, Marie forced herself to think as she tried

 

desperately to eliminate her rising feelings of

 

disappointment and hurt. A nice quiet meal and some sleep
would be nice.

 

The moment she thought of the word sleep the

 

memory of the previous night’s vision was brought back

 

into her consciousness. Marie could still see in her mind’s

 

eye the woman standing at a kitchen sink area. Marie had

 

not seen what the woman looked like. She appeared to be

 

bending slightly over the sink as if in great despair. Marie

 

had only seen her from behind. With long shoulder-length

 

blond hair and a slight build she appeared to be somewhat

 

young in age. As if in slow motion Marie saw the woman

 

finally reach over for a large kitchen knife on the counter to her left. Again in slow motion the scene changed to a large

 

drop of blood as it splattered onto the white tile floor.

 

Marie was suddenly overcome by the blackest and

 

most intense feelings of despair and hopelessness. She

 

fought to remain in control as the emotional weight of her

 

previous night’s vision threatened to overwhelm her. She

 

could feel her insides beginning to shake, often the first

 

sign of an approaching anxiety attack.

 

Dear Lord, please pray for, bless, and heal this
woman. Wherever she is please surround her with many
angels to both protect and encourage her.

 

As Marie continued to pray this prayer again and

 

again she could feel the emotional and spiritual weight

 

beginning to lift.

 

Why me, she thought. Why do “I” get these visions?
I’m nobody. I’m not really that religious or spiritual.

 

“Are you listening to me,” Marie finally heard

 

Rachel say from the next desk? A simple look in Rachel’s direction caused her to

 

continue her opinion about Marie’s current state in life.

 

She should have been the one to get these visions,

 

Marie continued to think. She practically lives in church.
Rachel lives, eats, and breathes church.

 

“After all you’ve been through, Marie, with your

 

mother just dying. You took care of her for years. You

 

deserve to be able to go out now and have some fun. Now

 

you also have to start thinking about trying to sell that run

 

down house. You’re in debt with your mother’s medical

 

bills. You’ll be lucky to break even. And for God’s sake

 

it’s your birthday. She could at least put her selfishness

 

aside for one day and take you out like she promised.

 

That’s all I’m going to say!”

 

Thank God, Marie thought as she reached for the

 

morning paper that had just been put on her desk. Her eyes

 

were drawn immediately to the small summaries in the left

 

hand column. “Dear God, no,” Marie whispered out loud.

 

Marie quietly turned to an inner page. Two nights

 

before, her nighttime vision had been brief. It had not

 

contained the high degree of emotion that had accompanied

 

her vision of the woman. It had been simple, brief, and

 

rather unbelievable in nature. Marie had merely passed it

 

off as a false manifestation, one that sometimes occurred to

 

throw her off track to the possibility that she had somehow

 

been chosen by God to intercede on behalf of the people

 

she saw in these nightly visions. At the time of this last

 

vision, that she only now saw evidence of in the newspaper,

 

she had briefly prayed and then gone back to sleep, not to

 

think about it again until now.

 

The picture and the article before her were of a

 

dozen or more children who had perished in an earthquake

 

in Turkey. More than a hundred children had been crushed

 

when their school had collapsed. This was the vision Marie

 

had seen. This was the vision she had not believed to be true and had quickly fallen back asleep upon. The full

 

impact of the children’s fear and plight suddenly and with

 

full force came rushing back upon her. As they could not

 

breathe, neither could she. The shaking inside her chest

 

threatened to choke off every last breath from her body.

 

She could only vaguely hear others around her inquiring on

 

her behalf.

 

***

 

“Marie, Marie, what the hell did you do?” Marie’s

 

friend Pam wanted to know. “Did you take something?”

 

“She didn’t do anything,” Rachel, Marie’s office

 

mate abruptly answered back. “Can’t you see she’s had

 

some type of anxiety attack? You are a nurse, aren’t you?”

 

“Yes, I am. Maybe you should wait outside and

 

leave these medical issues to people who know about these

 

things.” “I’ll be outside, Marie,” Rachel softly spoke as she

 

tried to put a reassuring hand on the arm of her co-worker.

 

Marie visibly stiffened at her touch.

 

Rachel was barely out of the emergency examining

 

room when Pam continued her usual self-involved

 

rambling. Marie as usual merely rolled her eyes while she

 

continued to try and breathe normally.

 

“I’ve been on for ten hours straight. This place is a

 

mess. I bet I get caught in a lock-in again. When that

 

happens I’m in here for another shift and I can’t possibly

 

even think about getting out. The people who come in here

 

have no idea how short the nursing staff is around here.

 

They think we have all the time in the world just for them.

 

Their families are the worst. They have no patience at all.

 

We never get our breaks. Our paperwork is beyond belief.

 

I’m just not staying this time. I’ll just walk out and they can

 

fire me if they want. I’ll go up and get one of those nice

 

desk jobs they have upstairs like you have. You can leave anytime you want. You never have to go through what I

 

do.”

 

Marie had listened to her friend’s tirade as she

 

usually did, in silence. This time, however, it was with an

 

oxygen mask over her face. She wouldn’t have been able to

 

talk even if she had wanted to, not that she ever did. She

 

knew from significant experience that if she did try to get a

 

word in Pam would have either talked right over her or

 

abruptly walked away. Marie had learned long ago that she

 

simply did not exist within this friendship. It was a

 

friendship of one.

 

By now a young intern had come into the

 

examining room reading Marie’s chart. Pam had still not

 

stopped talking. When the doctor finally tried to listen to

 

Marie’s heartbeat with his stethoscope he gave Pam an

 

exasperatedlook that suggested he couldn’t hear with her

 

talking. When Pam finally quieted he only abruptly attempted to continue. At the merest touch of his hand on

 

Marie’s back she stiffened and began chocking for breath.

 

“She doesn’t like being touched, Junior,” Pam

 

impatiently blurted out as she grabbed the stethoscope from

 

around his neck. The snap of the rubber startled him. Marie

 

looked away in embarrassment.

 

Pam immediately took over the role of doctor. She

 

checked Marie’s pulse as she also began checking her

 

heartbeat. She finally slowed down and stopped talking

 

when she heard what was physically occurring within

 

Marie. Pam finally looked at Marie in a puzzled way. She

 

softly put her other hand on Marie’s upper chest below her

 

throat. Marie was finally able to catch her breath.

 

“How can someone who is so annoying have such a
healing touch,” Marie wondered?

 

“Why are your insides shaking,” Pam quietly asked.

 

“I can feel it and I can hear it.” “That always happens when I have an anxiety

 

attack,” Marie was finally able to get out in between gasps

 

for breath.

 

“You never told me that. Since when have you been

 

having anxiety attacks? What do you have to be anxious

 

about? You’re not married. You have that nice little desk

 

job.”

 

I’ve tried to tell you many times, Marie

 

disappointingly thought as she looked down. I don’t exist in
your world.

 

“She needs a sedative for now and some anti-

 

anxiety meds for after that, Junior. Do you think you can

 

handle that? I’ve got to go check and see if my replacement

 

is here. Shebetter be here because I’m not staying,” Pam

 

rambled as she tossed the stethoscope back at the intern and

 

walked away.

 

“I don’t want any meds,” an embarrassed Marie was

 

finally able to gasp. “I have weird reactions to things.” The intern was already beginning to fill out a

 

prescription from the pad he had slowly pulled from his

 

pocket. His shell-shocked expression suggested he had not

 

even heard what Marie had said.

 

That’s typical. Just pretend I’m not even here,

 

Marie thought.

 

***

 

Marie had no idea how long she had been sitting

 

and staring at the morning paper when the telephone

 

startled her. She briefly wished she had an answering

 

machine. Then she wouldn’t have to get up and answer the

 

darn thing. Shedidn’t have the energy. By the fifth ring she

 

knew she wouldn’t be answering it. By the final seventh

 

ring she had already begun feeling guilty. What if someone

 

had needed her for something? Marie took a deep breath and tried to refocus on the

 

newspaper. She looked over at her supposedly already done

 

pile to her left. She couldn’t remember a single article she

 

had read. Her coffee was cold and was full of grinds. She

 

must have been careless when she was making it again. A

 

brief thought about making a new pot in a vain attempt to

 

revive herself also was simply too much to consider. That

 

combined with the unanswered phone call threatened to be

 

more than she could handle for this day that had not yet

 

even begun.

 

Marie finally put the newspaper down and forced

 

herself to look through a pile of mail on the table. There

 

were so many bills that she knew had to be paid. Her

 

elderly mother’s long term illness and recent death had

 

more than depleted the household finances that were

 

meager to begin with. One more thing on her very long list

 

of issues that she knew she had to begin dealing with. With a heavy sigh Marie began trying to put the

 

bills in order of due dates. That familiar panic began to

 

overtake her again. Suddenly she remembered why she felt

 

like she had been hit by a ten ton truck. The anxiety attack

 

she had experienced at the hospital the day before came

 

rushing back to her. It had been one of the worst attacks she

 

had ever experienced. Usually she just had them and dealt

 

with them and no