This and That by Tom Lichtenberg - HTML preview

 

[FUNNY]

Rosie B: My first thought when they told me I had cancer was 'great, now I don't have to worry about flossing my teeth anymore'. My second thought was, 'why the fuck am I taking proper care of this cast iron skillet?'

 

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: You are fucking kidding me, right?

 

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: I am going to be 60 years old this year if I make it to November.

 

[PHOTO]

An extraordinarily large purple succulent in front of a restaurant called Rosie's Cantina, probably in Arizona or some other warm locale.

 

[CAPTION]

Jim Y: Thinking of you (heart emoji)

 

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Are you okay? Call me!

 

[ANGRY]

Rosie B: I love it when my ex sends me a reminder that he yes he is still out of my life except for whenever the fuck he decides to drop right in. You are so blocked, mister. So, so blocked.

 

[FUNNY]

Angel A: Jodie's little niece said it was the best thing since telepathic toasters.

 

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: They have those, right? You don't even have to talk to it. It just knows what you want. Looks at your eyeballs or whatever.

 

[SURREAL]

Angel A: I had a locomotive once.

 

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: The doctor told me that everything could turn out fine but there's no guarantee. Plan A will either work or it won't, he said, and if it doesn't, then Plan B, then Plan C, and Plans D, E and F and so on. Basically I'm going to spend the next years of my life sitting on my ass in hospitals waiting for doctors and technicians. I said cancer can only kill you, but cancer treatments will definitely ruin your life. I thought I was being funny, but I said it all serious and such. Nobody laughed anyway.

 

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Do you need a ride? Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?

 

[PHOTO]

This is a small child perched on top of a large unicycle, sometime in the nineteenth century, looks like Alexandria, Egypt. A rare, bizarre old photo.

 

[NEWS]

Lagos, Nigeria: Massive explosion burned down a residential neighborhood, followed by most unusual once-in-a-hundred-years flood. Former houses and shops are now but charred ruins floating away.

 

[FUNNY]

Kim S: I saw a pony once that was so gosh darn smart it could play the piano but only once because it smashed it to pieces.

 

[WISDOMS]

The only things that never end are the things that never begin.

 

[SERIOUS]

Karen A: I went to church for the first time in many years. It didn't feel right, like God knew I was only faking it. I don't know why I think God's that much smarter than my husband, who never knows.

 

[MESSAGE]

Jeanie K: You sure you want that on here? Doesn't he ever look?

 

[REPLY]

Karen A: Sheesh. Did I type that out loud? Deleted!

 

[VIDEO]

Famous musicians on stage for a reunion concert, playing one of their classic hits. The bass player comes up to join the lead singer up front and the singer decides he's hated that guy long enough and whacks him on the head with the mic. Hilarity ensues.

 

[WISDOMS]

You can never look both ways.

 

[REPLY]

Rosie B: Just saw this. No thanks. I'm good.

 

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: And then I just wanted to drop everything, run away, and why not? George could easily carry on with the data analytics work solo. I've already taught him pretty much everything, and he might even prefer it to working for a "girl" (more than twice his age). He worries about his "career". Let him wait until he's near the end of the line to find out how much stress and anxiety he's been wasting all those years, because it does all come to an end and then it turns out to have been nothing all along. That's how it seems to me right now, remembering all the nights I stayed up struggling to get this or that project done, when the weight of the world seemed to be riding on it all. The bosses wanted their numbers, their projections, they wanted everything in the slides to be green, no reds, not even yellows even when a little caution is always warranted. Can you believe I spent all this time predicting the future based on "information"? Even harder to believe how damn good at it I am. But now. My sister's always there for me. Maybe she's been secretly waiting for this day so everyone can say look, it's Karen, that wannabe do-gooder is actually doing good for a change! But my friends, where did they go? Angel? Not a peep. Tony? Hello? So on the one hand I want to drop everything, and on the other hand it already feels like everything wants to drop me too.

 

[INFORMATIONS]

There is something called the Mind-Object Identity Theory which suggests that everything we are and everything we do are inextricably connected to and inseparable from everything we sense and experience from the so-called outside world. There is no self, no "I", just a lifelong complexity of action/reaction forming our lives. This makes a lot of sense to me. The neurons firing in my brain are not a "source of truth", they are part of the dance. What we like to think of as "free will" is us being who we are and doing what we do in the context of where we are and what is all around us existing and happening. Life consists of an increasing accumulation of what I like to call "waxy buildup".

 

[PHOTO]

What appears to be two dogs inspecting each other, sniffing each other's noses (ha! not what you expected is it?), and on closer inspection you notice that one of the dogs is not a dog but a fox, and the look in both their eyes suggests they are thinking, what the heck is this thing?

 

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: So I read your [FUNNY] and agree, so cosmic! We go around acting like we're all going to live forever. But seriously, tell me about Plan A?

 

[FUNNY]

Rosie B: The last time I said "never" was never.

 

[NEWS]

Two ships collided in the dark off the coast of Liberia. This has happened many, many times over the past several centuries. Most of those ships and the people on board them remain completely unknown and lost to history. This time, however, the ships were called 'Funny Girl', and 'HR-XB7869P' and the people on the yacht were related to the president of Sierra Leone and all died. Those on the navy cruiser suffered only minor injuries.

 

[FUNNY]

George N: Two computers walked into a bar. It was a Foo bar.

 

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: A lot of what we know about the Stone Age is based on stuff found in caves. I don't know about you, but most of the places I've been in the world there are no fucking caves. Never saw one in the Amazon. Never saw a decent one in the whole Midwest. Never saw one in all of Saskatchewan. Does that mean there was never any history in any of those places?

 

[REVIEW]

Anon: Rosie's Cantina is your basic crappy faux-Mexican joint in the middle of nowhere good. The food is lousy, the service sucks and I should know. I worked there.

 

[EMOJI]

It looks like doll parts but not sure which, brownish as if to connote mixed race perhaps?

 

[PHONY]

Turns out it was the CIA all along who not only killed Kennedy but also dumped all that fluoride into the water.

 

[INFORMATIONS]

Researchers believe that population density acts on people, rats, and cancer cells in similar ways. Too much of it makes them want to get the fuck away. In people this led to suburbs. In cancer it leads to metastasis.

 

[TRAFFIC]

At this hour it's going to take forty seven minutes to get to the office via the fastest route possible despite some delays.

 

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: You libtards are so fucking dumb I hope you vomit in a pool of puke and then choak on a bunch of old rutten eggs.

 

[WISDOMS]

Zen is the art of the hole in none.

 

[DATA]

Sixteen of the largest multinational corporations.

 

[WEATHER]

Partly cloudy with a chance of showers. Highs in the low to mid sixties. Winds out of the Southwest.

 

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: So, Plan A is something kind of new called immunotherapy. Basically it weaponizes your immune system to fight the cancer cells. The cancer cells are tricky and latch on to something on these immune system T-cells to prevent them from knowing they are really bad guys. These new drugs kind of un-latch that connection, so the T-cells can see the cancer cells for that they are - trespassers who don't belong. There's some statistical chance it will work for me, and also some numerical odds about the side-effects and whether or not my body will take to it. My doctor is optimistic, but that's his job, so of course he is. In my job I would never be that assuring. I always tell my clients exactly what the data indicates. I guess there are way too many unknowns in this case.

 

[CONNECTIONS]

John R: Hey, so I saw your profile on GreaterGreeter.com and wanted to introduce myself. You can check out my profile if you want. I'm not very good at this, I guess.

 

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: When do you start? Is it going to hurt? Does it hurt already? So many questions!

 

[FUNNY]

Kim S: Some quantum particles got all mixed up and accidentally partner-swapped, leading to some really spooky negative-on-negative electron action.

 

[INFORMATIONS]

Most experts believe that America was first populated by humans through the land bridge connecting Siberia to Alaska about thirteen thousand years ago. This theory completely neglects the fact that early humans were building boats and sailing the oceans long before that.

 

[SERIOUS]

Rick A: Karen what did you mean by that? Of course God is smarter, He's smarter than anyone, and I think he knows what's in your heart so you don't have to worry. The church is always there for you, for both of us. We can work this out. I believe in us.

 

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Dear Rosslyn, why aren't you answering me? I know we've had our differences, not only of faith but also of course that thing with Jim. Will you ever find forgiveness in your heart? Know that Rick and I, and of course the girls, and THEIR girls TOO, have you uppermost in our thoughts and prayers.  Please call me!

 

[NEWS]

The cascading glasstrophe across the Wide Scope solar array has left forty-nine acres melted as of 5 pm this afternoon, Electrica Unlimited reports. Crews are on scene and emergency drones have unfurled reflective sheeting up to a hundred meters above the scene in an effort to ward off any further damage caused by this morning's flare.

 

[FUNNY]

George N: All things considered, a ninety percent chance of a bad thing happening is less emotionally resonant than a one percent chance of a good thing. In scientific terminology, this is known as the definition of 'hope'.

 

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: After a number of scans and a lot of blood removed from my body for various tests, it was determined that of the several subcutaneous tumors, the largest measures about 6.2 by 6.4 cm. I started on Plan A yesterday and so far so good. I don't feel anything at all.

 

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: I have not heard anything from Tony either. Maybe he's out of town? Have you told George yet? What did he say? Did you see the pumpkins I left on your front stoop?

 

[INFORMATIONS]

As political scandals go, this one seems to be a yawner. Don't you ever yearn for the days when we had genuine and massive corruption going on? Nowadays it's hard to get worked up over such a little thing as a campaign contribution from some roofer's union. Senator Brawn probably has nothing to worry about.

 

[CONNECTIONS]

Bill B: Hiya. Bill here. Saw you on GreaterGreeter.com. You seem very nice and you look way younger than it says you are. Are you really anyway?

 

[REVIEW]

Anon: I would give this website zero stars if I could give it zero stars. I did not meet any single worthwhile person on this so-called Meet site. Most of them were total you-know-whats looking for exactly you-know-what. You know what? I wouldn't even bother.

 

[TRAFFIC]

You could get to work in forty two minutes given the current traffic conditions. I would not wait but go now. It's only going to get worse, until later in the morning, when it gets better.

 

[VIDEO]

Three small children, ages four to six, are jumping on a trampoline. The trampoline is enclosed by a tall net all the way around. A man, probably the father of one or more of the children, is throwing brightly colored plastic balls as hard as he can in the direction of the children. Of course, all the balls are hitting the net and the children are in no danger of getting hit, but they don't seem to know it. They are only children. Or maybe they do know it and are only playing along, but every time he throws one they all flinch and jump out of the way. They are all laughing hysterically. This video has a two thousand to one likes versus dislikes ratio.

 

[FUNNY]

Rosie B: I'm calling it the drip factory, where I go to get the Plan A infusions. The nurses are all very nice, of course, and I'm lucky to have some good insurance of course. Plan A costs an incredible amount of money - something like twelve thousand dollars per session - and I have to go every three weeks for I don't know how long. I sit in a comfortable chair with an IV stuck in my arm, and I'm there for about a hour. They have televisions and chairs for guests. One old man had three guests sitting all around him. One of them was talking super loud (this was in the 'quiet room' of course) all about some problem she was having with a rooster.

 

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: Rosslyn I have not heard from Tony in more than a month. Sorry I can't be of more help.

 

[EMAIL]

Crystal V: (Legal Disclaimer in Subject Line) Hello Rosslyn, I am with Human Resources here at AllDat Corporation. Certain allegations have been brought to our attention concerning you and a colleague at AllDat. Please let me know when it would be a good time for us to have a private conversation.

 

[FUNNY]

Angel A: An odorless, colorless gas was released from our office building today. Bye, Erika, it was nice working with you, not!

 

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: Carbon monoxide can be deadly. I would not mark this entry as a [FUNNY]

 

[DATA]

9 out of every 10 women has experienced this at least once on the job. On any job.

 

[MESSAGE]

Rosario R: Rosslyn, I consulted with my psychic friend Amy about your situation and she said not to worry, there are other planes of existence besides this one.

 

[NEWS]

The wreckage found off the coast of Honduras is believed to have belonged to billionaire fugitive investor Benjamin Cripes. Cripes, known for his collection of high-breasted maidens and his expertise in matters pertaining to cocaine and its ingestion, has not been seen since the day those tigers escaped from the carnival around sunset.

 

[DATA]

The same four out of five dentists continue, after all these years.

 

[EMAIL]

Rosie B: Can you believe that little fucker after all I've done for him? Check it out, Ainge, you are not going to. (Attachment). Says I'VE been inappropriate! This is the same guy who sent me his dick pic of course by accident so he said, that he really meant it for MacKenzie the admin but still. Says I'VE been inappropriate, and now it's HR and now it's lawyers? They've even moved my desk and put me on this bullshit beepers thing.

 

[PHOTO]

It's a very large shark that seems to be stranded in shallow surf, giant mouth wide open and body bent with thrashing. Nothing else in the picture but waves.

 

[FUNNY]

Angel A: Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a while. Set him on fire and he'll burn for the rest of his life.

 

[ITEM]

At several large companies, employees are skipping breakfast tomorrow in order to ease world hunger.

 

[EMOJI]

It looks like a partially opened can of tuna with something like a spork sticking into it?

 

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: I burned my elbow once on the edge of a stove? It really hurt a lot.

 

[REVIEW]

Anon: The castle is a derelict old relic from a long time ago and you should see the bathrooms. Like pathetic! Otherwise kind of boring. I wouldn't bother.

 

[MUSIC]

Just now in the background from a passing car it was a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.

 

[INFORMATIONS]

Cancer is a pitiless life form that may or may not serve as the basis of all those alien invader allegories. It's growing there inside you and you don't even know it until one day there's a visible little lump that your friend notices and you didn't even because it's on your back, and you go to the doctor to have it removed, thinking it's nothing more than a cyst, a bit of fat and the doctor snips it out and then no worries. A few days later you're sitting in the cafeteria complaining to Marie about the stale bread that's your sandwich when the phone goes off and it's that doctor and she tells you, well? The autopsy, sorry, I mean the biopsy came back and yeah, what do you know, it's metastatic. Sorry.

 

[ANGRY]

Angel A: That piece of shit. That whiny, tiny-putzed asshole. I'm going to kick his ass. Just wait. Just you wait. I am going to be so surreptitious he won't even know what hit him.

 

[FUNNY]

George N: And THEN Frodo said fuck it. I'm outta here.

 

[CAPTION]

Jim Y: I was thinking of you when I saw this.

 

[CONNECTIONS]

Arman Z: I'm a part-time body-parts installer and full-time body-parts inspector - I really know my way around a chassis if you get my drift!

 

[EMAIL]

Crystal V: (Legal Disclaimer in Subject Line) Thursday at 10 am will be fine. Please bring any relevant materials as we discussed. I look forward to meeting with you.

 

[RATED]

www.be-rated.appspot.com: Chicken Soup - 2.7 stars

 

[ITEM]

If you were a bird what kind of a bird would you be? Take our quiz and find out!

 

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: So the side effects of Plan A are underway. Before I woke up this morning I felt my legs tingling but at the same time they felt heavy like fallen timber. I didn't know if I would be able to move. Then when I did stand up an overwhelming dizziness and I almost fell down. There's a fog in my brain like a, well, like a fucking fog! I'm not thinking that good. I saw a commercial for Plan A on the TV last night and can you believe their slogan is "you might even live"? What kind of a slogan is that? Angel keeps sending me links to these articles about successes and survival rates and she's come up with some hopeful anecdotal stories about people who have even lived, at least a couple of years which is only how long Plan A has been approved by the FDA. You don't read survivor stories written by people who did not survive. I keep seeing articles that the average life expectancy from what I have used to be only eight months a few years back but now with things like Plan A it's up to twenty four months and that is supposed to be awesome but to me it's either this year or next. That's what the numbers all come down to. Unless and except I turn out to be one of the lucky ones and then Plan A could mean five or even ten years, nobody even knows yet. I was going along thinking about retirement at sixty eight because let's face it I've been working since I was seventeen and I don't know any other way to live. Sixty eight still seemed like a lot of productive years ahead of me but now, all of a sudden, it's like will I even make it to sixty eight? The data analyst in me says the existing data says no, but it also says that's a small sample size, honey, and those people in those clinical trials were already dying and already tried a lot of those old user chemotherapies and radiations and such, so the sample is not only small but skewed and basically statistically worthless when it comes right down to it. So I'm left with "I might even live" and that is really all I know. Meanwhile I'm wondering where my brain has gone and my body just wants to lie down. I am so, so fucking tired all the time. I'm beginning to think I understand why zombies walk that way.

 

[INFORMATIONS]

Earthworms are not native to the Americas. Since their arrival from Europe they have completely transformed the soil in this hemisphere, and now account for a significant percentage of the overall mass of living animals. Earthworms, flies, ants, mosquitoes and spiders combined weigh far more than all the dinosaurs in China ever did.

 

 [MESSAGE]

Karen A: Rick and I met with Pastor Bob on Sunday and told him all about your condition. He remembered you from the time you and Jim sought custody of cousin Heather's secret love child. You guys were going to adopt that little guy, remember? Of course you do, I'm being silly, Anyway, the pastor wants to get in touch with you. I gave him your email so if you do hear from him that's why. Call me!

 

[WISDOMS]

One crow alone can fight off a hawk, but many crows together can also get the job done.

 

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: If you think those cheaters won't do anything to get their unfair shares off of my unpaid labor then you haven't even been around the block.

 

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: The more I think about it, that thing about fire wasn't even that funny.

 

[FEEDBACK]

ManAtWork: @GirlInATentCity are you really that dumb or do you just play stupid on TV? #chickssuck

 

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: @ManAtWork you are so blocked - like a butt plug, asshole.

 

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Rosie I found some excellent dirt on our little boy George. Now I am only thinking about the means of deployment. I won't do anything without your say-so of course but I am licking my chops baby girl.

 

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: You know how in all those movies the good guy with the ninja moves takes out all the bad guys who for some reason always attack him only one at a time? And how he never really gets tired or even seriously hurt but they all end up dead or lying around groaning all over the place? Of course we know it's never really like that in real life, where the bad things come at you all at once, and as good as you are at your skills they are going to kick your sorry ass all up and down the street.

 

[INFORMATIONS]

We are not only conditioned by skin color but by specific facial features as well. A man can be as black as pigmentation goes but everybody seems to be able unconsciously to determine if he's truly what we call "a black man" or just some guy from maybe Bangladesh or wherever and in the former case it's watch out! and in the latter case don't worry about it. It's been drilled so deep down into our skulls that we can't even root it out, that shit is in there and it's staying put. Sometimes you want to rip those parts of your being right out of your soul but you can't.

 

[VIDEO]

I think it's that shark that was stuck behind the sand barrier and couldn't get back out into the open ocean. It thought it was going in for a tasty little Surfer Snack (TM) but all it got was trapped and what now? They're going to kill it? I can't watch this anymore. How come those videos start playing automatically when you're scrolling through the feed? Oh it's in the settings? Right, got it.

 

[REVIEW]

Anon: (This review has been deleted for reasons of obscenity)

 

[FUNNY]

Angel A: Tao point Oh. All a fish needs is to get lost in water. All a driver needs is to get stuck in traffic.

 

[NEWS]

The powerful AllDat Corporation, sole proprietor and owner of nearly all the world's data, has encountered some turbulence from the Central Bloc of Nations, which is demanding payments in excess of thirty seven trillion euros or, in other words, as much money as there is pretty much. The Bloc is demanding full read/write access as well. AllDat responded through their attorney that the Bloc would do well to double-check the fine print. Also that they do not negotiate with terrorists. The Bloc, however, was not amused.

 

[VIDEO]

There's an autistic kid in the swimming pool, approximately twelve years old, shouting little known facts about The Dark Knight to anyone who cannot help but listen.

 

[WISDOMS]

Everyone belongs to the church of "raising kids my way".

 

[FUNNY]

George N: When we last left our heroes, they were reconfiguring the database servers to support Codename release version 12.2.1.

 

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: I think you meant Two point Oh.

 

[PHOTO]

This street is literally melting in the heat. Its surface is some kind of tarry black dirt now become liquid and oozing down the hill. Pedestrians are inspecting their shoes with disgusted looks on their faces.

 

[MESSAGE]

Marie: We were at this show last night and we could not figure out why this one guy was even in the band. He was just standing up there on the far end of the stage. Once or twice he picked up a tambourine but I don't think he even shook it. Evan thinks he was somebody's brother. What a doofus.  The guy in the band. Not Evan. Evan's sweet.

 

[PRIVATE]

Angel, get this. George is actually telling people that I asked him for that dick pic. He's saying I kept on him about it for weeks, teasing him about the size of his member and demanding proof. He says I told him to take his pants off in the office so I could see for myself. He says I told him I just wanted to see it, that I didn't want to touch it, but that maybe, depending, I would. And maybe even, no, I can't even write that down in words. He's claiming that he has witnesses who will back him up but the HR woman wouldn't tell me who that was. She says there may be depositions. She's saying he might take it to court unless. Unless means they want me to admit to everything. It would make their lives so much easier. But they will pay for my legal counsel if that is what I want. You bet that's what I want. I told them straight up he's a liar, and they should move him out to that stupid beepers thing not me. I have seniority after all. Everything he knows is what I taught him. Can you believe this shit? She said it's already decided and it's beepers or nothing and it's totally up to me. Right. I take their shitty assignment or I'm out on my ass? Yeah I'm taking it. The bastard!

 

[VOICEMAIL]

Pastor Bob: Hi, Rosslyn, Pastor Bob here, from Hibjulackawanna Methodist Central. Your sister Karen asked me to call. She told me about your situation. I want to let you know that I am here for you. We are here for you. All of us at Hibjulackawanna. We offer a variety of solace services that you can find on our website, hibjulackawannamethodistcentral.com. Also you can call me personally at any time, day or night, except Tuesdays and sometimes Sunday mornings of course. Ha ha. Blessings be with you. Did I mention? This is Pastor Bob from Hinjulackawanna Methodist Central. Bye.

 

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: I would never give my personal data to any stupid ass corporation. I am totally one hundred percent off the grid accept right now I guess. Dammit.

 

[MESSAGE]

Marie: Oh and I forgot to tell you. Evan says he went to high school with Tony's daughter Samantha. So I asked him if he could ask her if she knows where Tony got to. He said he would but I don't know. Evan's sweet but he's kind of a flake.

 

[FUNNY]

Kim S: From now on I'm just going to call everyone by their initials, like in those stupid books where no one has a real name.

 

[MUSIC]

This song has about a two-minute maraca lead-in. There must be at least five maracas going at times. It's also incredibly boring.