Through the Cracks by K J Tesar - HTML preview

 

 

 

Chapter Six: Where The Pieces Fall

 

 

With the coming of the new day, another upliftingly splendid sunny morning, I found myself to be in great spirits. I quickly rushed through all my morning routine, anxious to get up to the coffee shop. I got out into the brand-new day, and started on my way up to see my Valentina. As I walked past Rosa’s bench, the bench, I paused for a moment. I studied it, looking for clues. Trying to discover its secrets. After some great scrutiny, I could discern nothing out of the ordinary. In the end it was just a bench. A bench like all the others. It hadn’t been transformed by the fact that Rosa had selected it for her last stand. In any case, she had selected it purely for its convenient position. It was just over the road from where she had lived. It hadn’t taken on extra duties. It hadn’t been elevated to a higher calling by Rosa having chosen it. It was just a bench, where someone had sat, for a certain period. I was tempted to sit on it, but decided that, all things considered, given my recent fragile mental state, that might be tempting fate just a bit too much. I continued on my way.

I entered the coffee shop with great vigour, feeling like a king inspecting his realm. I felt like the world was mine for the taking. I could achieve anything I set my mind to. Valentina was mine. Our new life, together, was just starting. I was slowly, but surely, putting the Rosa tradgedy behind me, and I was moving on. Only good things lay before me.

‘Hey, good morning!’

Valentina beamed me one of her fantastic smiles. A smile that could uplift the dying, a smile that could warm the coldest, darkest of hearts.

‘Hi there, Valentina, how are you?’

‘Great. The usual?’

‘You bet. I was thinking, you know... ‘

‘Hey, Nigel, get over here!’

Robbie was in his corner, and beckoned me over.

‘Join me for breakfast. Hey, come over here, and sit down!’

I was slightly annoyed to be interrupted, while I had been talking with Valentina, but nonetheless I went over and sat down. After all, he was now a good friend. He was bubbling over with enthusiasm. He looked so much younger than he had when I had first seen him. There was a sparkle in his eye. He looked like a man with a purpose, not a lost soul, brooding in his endless glass of despair.

‘Listen, my good man. I want to thank you. I really appreciate the way you pushed me, pushed me to get back out there. I was depressed about how I had lost my family, and didn’t want to participate in anything.’

‘That’s alright, I was just being friendly.’

‘Well, I’ve been thinking. I know I don’t deserve my family.’

‘Shit, come on, don’t say that!’

‘Hey, no, listen! Where I was, the state I was in, I didn’t deserve anything other than what I had. Before I can expect them even to want to talk to me, I have to become a better person. I have to prove to them that I am worthy of them. I think I have found that path. Guess what?’

I looked at him, and smiled.

‘I think I may have an idea.’

Valentina placed my breakfast on the table, in front of me. I flashed her a smile, and she smiled back.

‘I’m going to open a practice, specialising in aiding foreigners to navigate the endless red tape that is put in their way. Plus, I will do it charging very little, whatever they can afford. Even for free, if they don’t have any money. Jana is going to volunteer as my secretary. Actually, I will make sure I pay her what I can. You know, with the kid, and all. What do you think about that?’

His face was beaming.

‘I think it’s a great idea. But what about the practical side? Have you thought that through? What about an office, paying rent, and all that stuff?’

He waved that idea off disparagingly with his left hand.

‘It couldn’t be easier. Quite simply I won’t have one. Valentina said I can meet with people here in the mornings. Also, down at the community centre I can set up a desk a couple of times a week. The rest I can do from home. That way my overheads will be negligible.’

He was a man with a well thought out plan. A man with a calling.

‘I like it. It sounds like you are on a roll. Are you going to tell your wife about all this?’

His expression turned serious, and he shook his head.

‘No, not yet. When it’s all up and running I will show her what, who, I have become. She needs to see the proof. Words alone won’t cut it. She has heard it all before, too many times.’ He stopped talking, briefly, and pointed a finger at me. ‘Nigel, let me make you a promise. You will never see me drink again!’

‘I believe it, I really do. I’m very happy for you, Robbie. This is a good thing.’

We chatted for a while. Robbie was in incredibly good spirits. He had re-established himself. He had pulled himself out of the gutter, and was happy for it. His resurrection was well under way. I kept sneaking glances over at Valentina. She was busy making coffees for a steady flow of workers, getting their caffeine hit before starting the day’s work.

‘Hey, what about Jana’s case? Did you sort that out?’

‘Oh yes, it couldn’t have been easier.’

‘That woman, Bergonzi, what was her story? Was she racist, or what?’

Robbie looked at me, and shrugged his shoulders.

‘It’s hard to say. Quite possibly. It’s equally possible that she just doesn’t like her job, or is totally incompetent. In any event, when faced with a lawyer holding all the correct documentation, she had no choice but to follow protocols, to the letter. Something she would appear to do very infrequently, I would say. Anyway, the incredible thing is that I can help these people, just by my mere presence. When that type of paperwork is filed by a lawyer, it is taken a lot more seriously.’

‘Jan and Nassim must be thrilled. They were really worried about getting thrown out of Italy.’

‘That’s for sure. I know she wants to thank you, for having put us together. Your afternoon tea party really kicked off a big thing. Who would have guessed? And, unfortunately, I was such an arsehole about the whole thing.’

‘I remember though that you were really impressed with Jana.’

‘I was, indeed. She has a great strength of character. She really fascinated me.’

I stood up, ready to leave.

‘Well, Robbie, I’m glad it’s all working out for you. No doubt I will see you soon.’

‘Pop into my office whenever you want.’

We both laughed. The new Robbie, the reinstated Robbie, had a good sense of humour. I could see that Valentina was too busy for a chat, so I said goodbye to Robbie, paid my bill and headed out, into the sunshine. I was disappointed that I hadn’t been able to talk with Valentina, so I decided that I would go back to the coffee shop that evening. After all, it was Friday, so a couple of glasses of wine on a Friday evening sounded like just the ticket. Hopefully Valentina would have time for a chat. Maybe the time had come to let her know how I felt about her? Maybe it was time to take it all to another level? Maybe I should pull out all the stops, really go for it. After my period of deep reflections, I was positive that she felt the same way about me. It was time to formalise the situation. Get it out in the open.

 

I wanted to look my best for her, so that afternoon I went to the centre, to look for some new clothes. Valentina always dressed very well, so I assumed that for her it would be important to be with someone who also looked stylish. Most of my clothes were more of a functional kind, having been chosen more by their practical nature, rather than their appearance. I needed to get a new look. A more fashionable look. Something that would make me look upscale, when I would take Valentina out for dinner. To be honest, I had never been much of a shopper. It was something I usually did with great dread. Going from shop to shop, trying on different clothes, was really like hard work for me. I had no idea how people could enjoy that. It really just seemed to give me a massive headache. However, to impress Valentina it needed to be done. Finally, after much effort, I managed to find a couple of new shirts, some nice trousers, and a light jacket. I knew I could really do with some new shoes, but by that stage I was too burnt out to look any further. Anyway, by my standards, that had been a very successful expedition. I had fought my way through the shopping jungle, beaten back the surrounding hordes of maniacal consumers, tirelessly seeking out the hidden treasure, otherwise known as some new clothes. It hadn’t been easy. I was absolutely worn out, but rather satisfied. I hurried home, had a shower, and tried out my new apparel. I admired myself in the mirror. How could Valentina resist me now? I was looking good. The new me, now had a new look. Things were just getting better and better.

It was time. I gave myself one last check over in the mirror, and left my flat. I hurried up the street, then, thinking about it, I slowed down my pace. I would take it easy, and just stroll along. It was just another evening. Don’t let your excitement get the better of you. Just act naturally. The casual man. I sauntered into the coffee shop, there were already a few people scattered around, having drinks. Valentina was at the counter, pouring out a couple of glasses of wine. She saw me, and looked me up and down.

‘Well, well, well. What have we here? A new look Nigel? You are looking good, my fellow.’

‘Thanks, I thought it was about time to adapt to the Italian way. You people have style in your blood. I’ve never really bothered much about how I look, but I decided that the time had come.’

‘I think you have done extremely well. You have good taste. Hey, do you want to try some Sicilian wine? Do you like red wine?’

‘Yeah, I love it. Let’s try some.’

‘Good, find yourself a table, and I will bring it over.’

She carried the glasses of wine she had poured to a couple, sitting by the window. I sat down at a table in the middle of the room. Shortly, she brought over my wine, and sat down.

‘Oh, I’m exhausted. I’ve been on my feet all day. By this time of the evening I’m a wreck.’

‘Maybe you need some wine yourself?’

She threw back her head and laughed.

‘Don’t tempt me! If I start down that path, I will never stop. It really is a long day running this place. If I could afford it, I would get in some help. But, with only the local trade, I don’t make enough to be able to do that, unfortunately.’

‘You really do work hard. Maybe, you could... ‘

‘Oh, sorry, duty calls!’

Off she went, to serve someone else. It had been so nice to have her confide in me. To share all her worries. It felt so good, to bond with her like that. Our connection was just getting stronger, and stronger. Then, looking across at her, a realisation came over me. I had fallen completely in love with her. I had never loved anyone as much as I loved Valentina, in that moment. Sure, I had been in love with Monica, but, in truth, that had really been more of a sexual attraction, rather than actual love. With Valentina it was real love. I could feel it warming every part of my body. I wanted to stand up and yell out how I felt about her. Not that I would, of course. I was far too restrained a person for anything quite so exuberant. Also, without a doubt, in front of her clients, that would really embarrass her. I would play it cool, waiting for the right moment. Maybe when were out for dinner? I would have to plan it carefully, make an effort, get some flowers, and do it all right. My heart felt so full of love for her. It was hard for me to sit still. I wanted to grab her, as she walked past my table, and kiss her, long, and hard. Finally, after so many difficulties, I had found something good in my life. I had found the right woman for me. In that moment, a sense of understanding came over me. I realised why my life had taken so many difficult twists, and turns. I had been on a path, a torturous, twisting, path, but a path that had been leading me to that place, in that time, to meet my Valentina. There had been a reason behind it all. It hadn’t just been a haphazard string of events. There had been a hand guiding my every move. Guiding me, leading me towards my destiny. Taking me to where I needed to be. Right there, in that moment. There, with my true love. It felt so good. The wine was warming my body, my love for Valentina was warming my heart. I was feeling exuberant. I called out to her.

‘Hey, Valentina, I love this wine. I’ll have another glass, when you have time.’

She looked across at me and smiled.

‘OK, I’ll be right there.’

She finished cleaning some glasses, and poured me another glass of wine. She came over to my table, but didn’t sit down. Probably she just didn’t have enough time. After all, she was really busy.

‘I’m glad you like it. They make this wine just a few kilometres from where I grew up. The family that makes it are old friends of my family. I come from a very traditional background, you know. I really miss Sicily.’

She went off about her business. Then the obvious plan struck me, I would take her on a trip to Sicily! What a brilliant idea. Plus, what a romantic destination. We would be lying on beautiful beaches, just the two of us. She could relax, and I would just look at her. I would amire her great beauty. I would be happy, just being with her. We would be happy, just being together. She would introduce me to her family. We would eat traditional Sicilian food, and drink local wine. I felt on top of the world. I had never been happier in my life, as I was in that moment. I had never felt so fulfilled. I realised that the wine was started to make my head spin slightly. I wasn’t a big drinker, and it was pretty strong wine. I decided that I had better get out of there, before the wine made me do something foolish. Something that I would later regret. I went up to the counter, to pay for the wine.

‘I’m so glad you came, Nigel. I’m sorry we didn’t have time for a good chat. Will you be in for breakfast tomorrow morning?’

‘You bet. I’ll see you then. Goodnight Valentina.’

‘Bye, Nigel. Thanks.’

I don’t think my feet even touched the ground on the way home. I was floating on a cloud of exquisiteness. I felt on top of the world. My former aberrations were by then far below me, and lost somewhere in the distant past. I was already looking forward to seeing Valentina in the morning. The following day was Saturday. I knew that I would have to devise a plan for Sunday, when the coffee shop was shut, and Valentina had the day off. I would ask her to go with me somewhere. But where? In the morning, with a clearer head, I would come up with a suitable idea. I would think of somewhere interesting to take her. Maybe out for lunch? Or a picnic in the park? I was too ecstatic to think clearly, and the wine had knocked me off my game a bit, as well. I would have to watch that. I needed to be very decisive, it was a particularly delicate period. I knew that I had better slow down on the drinking, probably just one glass at a time. When I got into bed, I lay there thinking about Valentina, imagining holding her in my arms. I would be kissing her, cuddling her. I loved her so much. She was all I wanted, all I desired. After a somewhat arduous, dfficult journey, life, and destiny had, in the end, been good to me.

 

Saturday’s arrival was somewhat bittersweet. I awoke with a bit of a headache. That strong Sicilian wine had really knocked me around. Maybe Valentina’s family’s friends weren’t really that good at making wine? Not that I was going to tell her that, of course. Next time I would ask for some Sicilian white wine, which would hopefully have been made by someone else. I sorted out McGinty’s breakfast, and cleaned out his litter box. I kept an eye on the clock, waiting for a suitable time to head off to see my lovely lady. It had taken a while, a long while, but, finally, life had really come through for me. Especially after such a difficult period. I hadn’t had an easy time of it for quite a long while, but I was back in the game. Things were looking up for me. For me and Valentina. I felt incredibly lucky. I showered, dressed myself in my latest finery, and casually sauntered up to the coffee shop. My heart was in my mouth as I opened the door, and walked in. There she was. As usual looking as fresh as a daisy. How did she do that? After working late the previous evening she looked so refreshed. How did she manage to always look so good? Instead of her usual jeans and a top, she was wearing a short yellow dress. He legs looked fantastic. Did she have that dress on especially for me? She looked up, and smiled at me. I was home. I was where I needed to be. I had found my place to be. My life was starting, right there, right then.

‘Morning Nigel. How are you? Did you sleep well?’

‘Hi there. Yes, I sure did.’

I thought it best not to mention the hangover from what I considered to be not very good wine. That would lead me down a dark road. Instead, I chose the better lit way, and decided to go for complimenting her on her looks. It was time. Time to get our feelings out in the open. It was time to express our feelings for each other.

‘My God, Valentina, you look stunning today. You look so lovely in that dress. What beautiful legs you have!’

‘Thank you, so much! You are always so kind. I wish my boyfriend was as attentive as you.’

The ground collapsed from beneath my feet. A chasm opened beneath me, swallowing me whole. Boyfriend... ? Valentina had a boyfriend? I felt like I had received a thundering blow to my head. I could barely stand. In my stupefied state, I tried to walk, but stumbled against something. How could this be happening to me? I had been sure that we had been made for each other. Couldn’t she have seen that? Through a blurry haze, I could see that Valentina was talking, but I couldn’t hear the words. I had a loud ringing in my ears. My head was thumping, I could hardly breathe. I tried to find the door, I had to get out. Maybe outside I would be able to breathe. Somehow I found myself out on the footpath. Why was this happening to me? I stumbled around. I heard a car horn tooting. I tried to focus, but my brain had ceased to be under my control. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking, my legs seemed to belong to someone else’s body. I had no control of my movements. Everything around me was out of focus. I couldn’t concentrate enough to see things clearly. I looked at my hands. They were shaking uncontrollably. They didn’t even look like my hands. They looked so strange. I rubbed my eyes, but still couldn’t see clearly. What was happening to me? Was I having a heart attack? I had read about people suffering panic attacks, but what I was feeling was far too strong to be just one of those. Something far more serious was happening to me. I tried walking, but the ground kept moving out of control under my feet. Everything was fluid, nothing seemed to be as it should. Even the buildings around me had taken on a strange menacing form. They were overpowering me, suffocating me. I was dying, there could be no doubt. Something had happened to me, and I was dying. I wanted to call for help, but when I opened my mouth, no words came out. The power of speech had been ripped from me. Stumbling along, not understanding where I was, I came to a bench, and collapsed down on it. I tried to sit up straight, but wasn’t able to. I had no power over my body. With my head resting on the armrest of the bench I tried to understand what was happening to me. The last thing I remembered was Valentina telling me she had a boyfriend. Had the shock of that been too much for my heart? Was I suffering a heart attack? My stomach was in a knot. My ears were constantly ringing. I looked again at my hands, they were sweaty, and still shaking. I knew that I would die there. Whatever was happening to me was obviously fatal. No one could recover from that, whatever it was. I tried to grip the armrest of the bench. I tried to hold myself steady. My muscles didn’t seem to be able to support my weight. All my strength had been drained from me. My life was finished. It would soon all be over. I looked at the sky, seeking some form of equilibrium. The clouds had a strange dreamlike aspect to them. They didn’t seem real. Nothing seemed real. My world, as I had known it, had crumbled, and everything around me had disintegrated with it. My whole body was shaking, I could hear my heartbeat pounding. I knew that shortly my heart would buckle under the strain. It couldn’t sustain that amount of pressure for much longer. The thought of dying there, in that moment, became almost welcoming. It brought me a sense of comfort, release. I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t take any of it anymore. I had lost everything I had ever wanted. My life was over. I couldn’t start over again. The new beginning that I had thought I had discovered had only given me groundless hope. It had been nothing but a false dawn. There could be no new beginnings. The cracks in my life had become gigantic crevices, that swallowed me whole. It was too late for me. Breathing was becoming more difficult. The end was not far off. I had obliterated everything I had ever touched. I deserved to die. I wanted to die. I had nothing, nobody, to live for. The hope of rebuilding my life, there on Dante street, had just been a lie. It had been doomed to fail right from the start. My old stable life had been ripped from me, all my certainties had been shattered, and it was too late for me to find a new way. None of it had been my doing, but fate had decided to stack the cards against me. My head was pounding, my body was sweaty. Had I really asked for so much? Why had life held so little in store for me? I had tried my utmost best, and had failed. And now I was about to die.

‘Mister, are you alright?’

The words rang in my ears faintly, as if they came from a faraway place. Through the fog that had enveloped me I could tell that it was a woman’s voice. I tried to look up, but wasn’t able to move my head, which still lay resting on the armrest.

‘Do you need some help? Has something happened to you? Can I help you in some way?’

In a last, brief, moment of clarity, I realised that I had come full circle. From being the one wishing to help others, I was now the one needing help. My deconstruction had been completed. I had hit rock bottom. From there, I could fall no further. There was only one possible outcome remaining for me. The thought of my approaching death brought a welcome feeling of relief.