“Yes, Adulfus E. Gary was a good man! A giving man!” the preacher called from the pulpit, voice full of righteous vibrato. From the front pew, Richard Gary could see the droplets of sweat beading on the pastor’s brow. Every time the short, pudgy man raised his hands towards the heavens to emphasize a point, the yellow sweat stains in the armpits of his white Oxford shirt became visible. New perspiration now filled the yellow rings.
Adulfus E. Gary? Can’t use street names at funerals, I suppose.
Had the funeral not been for his father, otherwise known as “Big Wine,” Richard never would have known whom the pastor was speaking of, but he had to admit that the government issued name made things easier. It gave the funeral an impersonal feel. Impersonal kept Richard from crying.
“Psssst!” whispered Alicia, Richard’s youngest sister. She leaned forward and waved her tissue in his direction, trying to catch his attention. Black mascara streamed down her face. The black rings around her eyes reminded Richard of a raccoon. “Boy, you a’ight?”
Her question resonated in his mind, took him back to a memory of his father.
“Rick-Rick! Boy, you a’ight?” Big Wine asked. Little Richard could tell that his father was searching his face, trying to understand what he might be thinking, or maybe feeling. Richard couldn’t understand, let alone explain the feelings swarming through his body then. He only knew that he felt sad, empty. Everyone around him cried and sobbed. They all looked so sad. Maybe they missed his Momma too. Where had she gone?
“Yeah, Daddy, but why everybody crying?” Richard asked, looking up at his father. Richard’s father looked away, his gaze distant. That big face, normally so full of happiness, looked so sad and lonely. Maybe he missed Momma too, Richard had thought. “Daddy, where my momma at?” Big Wine slowly brought his gaze back to Richard’s. No words were spoken as father and son sat in that church pew, but Richard understood the look in his father’s eyes enough to know his Momma was gone and she wasn’t coming back.
“Rich!” Alicia yelled, seemingly oblivious to her surroundings or the inappropriateness of yelling in the middle of a funeral proceeding; she only cared about grabbing Richard’s attention. Still seeing no notable signs that he’d heard her, she yelled again, “Richard!” Finally, she succeeded at pulling him back to the present. Unfortunately, her outburst had also fully irritated Richard, otherwise known as “Rich Kid.”
He turned and made eye contact with her, glare deadly. But the moment he met her eyes, his features softened. He thought how her eyes must look much like his own had on the day of their mother’s funeral: empty and dysphoric. There was one notable difference, however. Alicia knew their father was dead; Richard had been too young to comprehend death back then.
“What’s up, Sis?” Richard asked, still a little annoyed by his sister’s disrespectful behavior. While he wasn’t what one might call a “regular” attendee, he knew the place demanded a certain level of respect. To make matters worse, their behavior was on display for the rest of the attendees. Being that they were the next of kin, a higher set of expectations rested over the heads of the entire Gary family today. Being mindful of Alicia’s emotional frailty wouldn’t be easy, not when he could feel the eyes of everyone behind them searing into the back of his head.
“I sa-aid,” Alicia’s, voice thick with sarcasm, “ya a’right boy?”
What kind of question is that? Naw, I ain’t a’ight.
The thought sat at the tip of his tongue, echoed in his mind and threatened to release itself into spoken word, but he kept it to himself. His sisters needed him now; one look at Alicia emphasized that fact loud and clear. He needed to be strong, consolatory, kind, just like their father had been.
Richard closed his eyes and took a deep breath, calming his irritation. “Sis, you ‘member when Momma died?” He concentrated on keeping his voice just above a whisper - partly out of respect, but mostly because the grief brought on by the memory of his mother’s death threatened the strength of his voice. One crack would shatter his concrete façade.
“Yea…why?” Alicia asked. Her nose wrinkled and her eyes narrowed as she wondered why Richard would bring up their mother dying right now. Ain’t it bad enough dealing with Daddy dying?
“Well, ‘Boy, you a’ight’ was what he said to me that day when we was at gram’s house and y’all was crying. Now he gone.” Richard replied, dropping his gaze to the floor, hoping Alicia couldn’t see the wells of tears trying to surface.
A chasm of emptiness filled Richard’s heart. He missed his mother, and now his father. The man he’d adored and looked up to all his life was gone. Now he had to be the strong one. Fear, despair and grief all rolled into one overwhelming emotion. A hard lump formed in his throat, one so hard and large that he couldn’t swallow. His tears continued to grow, edging closer to his eyelids, but just before they’d had the chance to successfully spill over, Alicia’s voice cut into his dark pit of sorrow. He blinked hard a couple of times, trying to push the wetness back, hoping the action wouldn’t push his tears over the edge. Grasping the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, he pressed into the corners of his eyes, forcing all traces of wetness onto his fingers.
“Yea brah’. I’m gone miss daddy too,” Alicia replied. Sadness washed over her and filled her heart; its effect crippled the volume of her voice, bringing it to a shade above audible. She looked down at her hands, hands that now clasped her crumpled tissue. New tears pooled in her eyes and streamed down her cheeks. How we gone manage with Daddy gone? The thought brought on the heaviness of concern – concern for all of them, but mostly for Richard. He was the last man left in their family, and their father had left some big shoes for him to fill.
Alicia’s gaze drifted back towards her brother; he had returned his attention back to the pastor. Alicia only half listened to the final prayer as she analyzed Richard’s posture and expression. His tough exterior didn’t fool her; Richard was broken inside. How hard it must be to go through life pretending that nothing could break you, but everyone breaks. What if she lost Richard too? She couldn’t bear the thought of losing anyone else she loved. Not now.
“Richard!” Gina’s loud voice carried through the crowd pushing towards the door, jabbering on about how great the service had been. Alicia had been so engrossed in her own thoughts that she hadn’t realized the service had come to a close. She snapped her head in the direction of Gina’s voice, but Richard merely glanced at his older sister before turning back to the casket in front of him, silently saying his final good-bye.
Gina’s appearance was a little less disheveled than their younger sister’s, but the tell-tale signs of grief were still evident - red, puffy eyes, crumpled tissues in hand and smudged mascara in the corners of her eyes. Richard felt empathy for his oldest sister. Like him, she was trying to stay strong. Strong all ya can be.
“Rich Kid!” Gina hollered again, navigating her way through the crowd.
Richard took one last glance at the casket before turning towards Gina’s approaching form. Gina had never been good with patience; Richard could already sense the irritation in her voice. “Yeah, Sis! Wuz up?”
“Boy, ya’ comin’ to my house today?” Gina asked, now standing directly in front of him.
“Yeah, Sis, I’m gone be there. I just gotta get Skinny over at her gramma’s house,” Richard answered.
“Well, a’ight.” Placing one hand on her hip, Gina waved a finger at him. “But you best be there. Everybody gone be there.”
Richard rolled his eyes in response. “Yeah, Sis! I’m gone be there.” Gina’s face contorted into a sour frown. Richard could see new puddles of tears forming in the corners of her eyes. Ain’t that some shit? She the one bein’ rude.
He hadn’t meant hurt her feelings, but of all places to be bossy, their father’s funeral wasn’t one of them. Richard took in a deep breath and held it, trying to calm his irritation and soften his tone before finishing his response. “I give you my word, Sis. I’m gone be there.”
Gina replied with a weak smile before turning on her heel and disappearing into the crowd. At least she’d smiled. The thought brought a small smile to his own lips.
Richard watched as the rest of the crowd filed out the door. He couldn’t stop thinking of how he would never see his father again. The depressing thought trapped him inside the stained glass room.
A tapping on his shoulder pulled him out of his depressing thoughts. Richard turned quickly to see its source, bringing him face to face with his cousin Dwayne.
Dwayne’s brow creased and his eyes seemed laden with concern. His eyes were red from crying.“Boy, everything gone be ok.”
You ain’t fooling nobody nigga. Richard saw past the distressed look on Dwayne’s face. He knew the secrets hiding behind Dwayne’s look of sadness and concern; the deep, dark ugly truth. Being this close to Dwayne made Richard’s blood boil. He could feel the heat rising up in his ears as his grief gave way to anger. His fists clenched at his side as he envisioned Dwayne’s head with a bloody, gaping wound, his brains halfway across the room. Slowly, Richard’s hands edged towards his pants; he wasn’t thinking, just acting on impulse.
Dwayne nervously forced a smile, one that barely lifted the corners of his mouth. He didn’t notice Richard’s hand moving towards his gun. Dwayne’s only focus was convincing Richard of how genuinely sad he was for their loss. Dwayne understood the ramifications of his mistake, and he knew his actions were unforgiveable. If given the chance to change it, he would have done things differently. But what’s done is done. Dwayne understood what the consequences would be if Richard ever discovered his secret. The realization that Richard might already know sent a blood-curdling chill down his spine. His stomach knotted and bile rose into the back of his throat. Dwayne held his breath, forced the smile a little bigger, and hoped it hid his fear.
To Richard, Dwayne’s smile was insincere, and it only angered him further. The fact that he could smell Dwayne’s fear made the taste of revenge seem even sweeter. His fingers curled around the cold hard steel of his gun, his grasp tightened around it, but as his arm flexed in anticipation, Richard caught a glimpse of Alicia out of the corner of his eye. Her disheveled hair and grief-stricken face pulled Richard back from the angry pit he had started to fall into, headfirst. He relaxed his muscles, cleared his throat and forced the anger down into the pit of his stomach. After an awkward moment of silence, deadpanning his cousin, Richard finally replied, “Yeah, I know, cuz. I know.”
Dwayne’s heart fluttered with relief, the knot in his stomach dissipated. Maybe Richard really didn’t know, and maybe he would be okay after all.
“A’ight then. See ya’ at Gina’s house tonight?” Dwayne asked.
Richard forced a painful, superficial grin. “Yea’. Fa Sho’”
As soon as Dwayne was out of sight, Alicia stormed towards Richard. Please let me talk him out of doing anything stupid! She could still see the look of stifled indignation and sinister revenge in his eyes. As she approached, he attempted to cover it up with another painful smile.
Now standing in front of Richard, Alicia narrowed her eyes. “Rich, why you looking at Dwayne like that?” Her arms were stationed tightly over her chest.
“Ain’t nothing sis,” Richard replied. “E’rything’s cool.”
Everyone else in the room might have bought Richard’s lie, but Alicia knew better. She could read him like an open book, and everything about his conversation with Dwayne screamed retaliation. “Well, I know you like nobody else. Only one person knows you better is Daddy, and he gone,” Alicia said, dismissing her brother’s claim to innocence. “I know when you smile like that, you got something cruel and deadly on yo’ mind.” Alicia brought her face closer to Richard’s, making sure he couldn’t try to look past her. “Don’t you do nothing to him. Whatever he done, he done in the past, he family Rich.”
Damn Sis! Can’t ya’ leave well enough alone?! He done cause all this! Rather than yell at Alicia, Richard stuffed his frustrations and nodded, acting as though he were really considering Alicia’s words. He forced another smile. She wasn’t the object of his anger anyway; Dwayne was. He’ll get his.
“I just happy to know Daddy ain’t gotta go through no more pain, Sis. That’s all,” Richard lied, all the while, mentally picturing the look on Dwayne’s face when Richard could finally make him pay.
“Boy, I know what you thinking ‘bout right now as you talking to me. What you gone do to Dwayne.” Alicia let out an exasperated sigh. She knew she couldn’t change Richard’s mind, at least not right now. But she did have a plan, one she hoped would work. With a flick of her wrist, she shooed him away. “Just go get Skinny and meet me at Gina’s house,” she said, adding, “and whatever you do, don’t kill Dwayne.”She turned and stomped off and headed straight for the doors, her arms crossed over her chest and a deep scowl still on her face.
Richard narrowed his eyes as he entertained the thought of telling Alicia off, but then thought better of it. Shaking the idea from his head, he took several long strides to catch up to her. “Sis! Wait up!” Reaching her side, he placed one hand on her shoulder and waited a moment for her to relax. He reached his other hand out and gently grasped her chin and turned her face towards him.
“I got you, Sis. Just trust me this time. A’ight love?” His soft, gentle words wafted through her entire body. The softness in his eyes quenched her fears and worries. “See ya’ at Gina’s house, “He leaned in and squeezed her tightly, rubbing her back as he held her.
Alicia felt so safe in her brother’s arms. She felt like a little girl again, crying to her big brother after a bad day at school. He had always looked out for her, he had always protected her, been there for her. Everything really was going to be okay.
As she pulled away, Richard connected with her caramel colored eyes. Glistening puddles collected at the inner corners. He wondered whether it was the loss of their father or the fear of him killing Dwayne that had brought on this new wave of tears. He wrapped his arm over her shoulder. He hoped it brought her a little comfort.
As Richard walked Alicia to the limo, he weighed how probable it was that she knew that he still had killing Dwayne on his mind; he figured the odds weren’t really in his favor. Honestly, he couldn’t understand why she cared so much after what the slimy snake had done to their family. He really didn’t want to worry her; they had already been through enough, lost enough. But even Richard’s love and concern for Alicia couldn’t quench his thirst for revenge. Dwayne would pay for what he had done; Richard would make certain of it.