Chapter Ten
Just what I need, Julie thought, another best friend — and a presumptuous one at that!
Still, this letter made her wonder all the more about her ex-husband. Had he really changed or was he up to something? Possibly, she was seeing the results of some heavy psychotherapy. Some shrink could have easily put him up to this. Or maybe he went in to see old Dr. Griswald with a headache and was told he only had six months to live. Dreadful news such as that could have shaken him up, split his hard head open, and snapped him into a brand new frame of reference where suddenly everything appeared different, as though seen for the first time, like a brand new reality.
She knew one thing for certain though. However pleasant it was to imagine, Danny could not have arrived at this point on his own, especially considering where he was when she left him eighteen months ago. Or, could it be that, at long last, he finally jumped the last hurdle into adulthood, like the slowest man on the team, the one everybody waits for so the next race can start, and the coach only keeps on the roster because this guy’s parents are prominent in the community. Otherwise, he’d have been cut long before the season got underway.
It would be nice to think that he has changed though, however illogical and remote that possibility might seem. But, unfortunately, people just don’t change that easily, or that fast. She could, however, imagine him caught up in a whirlwind of nostalgia, pining for his youth again, trying to recreate the past, even though it was nothing at all like he presently recollects, his mind and the years having overlaid it with a whitewash of pleasant fantasies, obscuring the truth of how things actually were. All the more likely, she realized, that he hasn’t changed. He probably just thinks he has.
Stirred now by a combination of curiosity and caffeine, she decided to respond immediately. As she clicked on the reply button, she thought about how the men in her life had suddenly become so complicated. It never used to be this difficult, especially with Danny.
But she had figured him out once before and would again. Of that she was certain. And since she wanted to see where all this was leading, she wrote:
Dear Danny,
So you want to take me with you to the Caribbean. What on earth would we do there, just the two of us? Do you really think you could be alone with me for a week and not get bored or distracted or upset over one thing or another?
I’m not saying it couldn’t work, but, unfortunately, I still remember how you felt for so many years. It was as though you’d put me on a shelf. I was just the old homemaker, mom to your kids, getting thick around the middle. You hardly ever made love to me. Now, you say you’ve changed. So what I’m wondering is: What will be different? After all, a week on a small island is a long time. I wouldn’t want you to discover that, after a day or two, you didn’t care to look at me anymore.
She stopped for a moment and read what she had written. The words had poured out like rain from a storm cloud. Now, in an attempt to be objective, she sensed the hostility there, the taunting. Maybe she wasn’t completely over the hurt; maybe she still desired some retribution for all the years he took from her. What was she subconsciously trying to do: whip him with e-mail, challenge him to step up to a mature relationship, end their new found friendship before it got started?
It was the truth, though, every word of it. And if they were to have a friendship she wanted it to be based on truth — and honesty! That’s what friends were for, at least according to her way of thinking. So she decided to keep what she had and continued:
Don’t get me wrong, Danny. I’m not trying to make you mad. I just want us to be honest with one another. That’s what friends are for. As far as whether I’d actually go with you on a week’s vacation, that would depend on you (and my work schedule, of course). But, if you believed that you could treat me like an equal, and that we could do things together which we both enjoyed, I wouldn’t rule it out. And there’s one more thing as well. We’d have to go as friends, nothing more. We tried love and marriage once and, unfortunately, it didn’t work out too well over the long haul. I’m not interested in going through all that again. So our relationship will have to be purely platonic. Okay?
Once again, Julie appraised her writing. Now, it seemed she was adding injury to insult. But she wanted Danny to know unmistakably where she stood. She didn’t want him getting the idea that he could seduce her again, especially since he seemed to be leading up to something distinctly sexual with his last letter.
Over their years of marriage she could always tell when he wanted to get her into the sack. He’d start by being uncharacter-istically nice and considerate, all lovey-dovey, and then — wham! He’d be pulling her clothes off.
It wasn’t that she didn’t have feelings for him, or might still. After all, he’d been her only partner. All her carnal knowledge, all her experiences of intimacy, were connected to him. And tonight, sitting alone in her house, two thousand miles away from him, just thinking about their times together, she felt aroused. The involuntary stimulation struck her as peculiar since the love she once had for him had gone stone cold when she learned of his philandering, and she was definitely not of a mood to forget that and allow herself to be snared again by her own desires.
But there were many times when they’d had a good roll in the hay. Danny eventually learned how to turn her on, and occasionally, he spent the effort to take her to some new sensual height. But mostly he was just a selfish, sexually-driven, unromantic man. And as such, he was exactly what she wasn’t looking for in her next relationship. So he was going to have to come to grips with her feelings on the subject of sex. There wouldn’t be any! Unlike on that moonless night in June of ‘75, just after she’d graduated from high school, the next time he confessed his undying love for her, her pants would stay on.
Well, I hope I haven’t scared you off, but I wanted to get that straight. And I do hope we can be friends. At least we know each other well enough to be honest, and we have the kids in common. Perhaps there are some other things we can share. I’d love to be able to talk to you about what I’m learning in Sociology class. It’s fascinating. And in Business Ethics we’re studying about work-related problems. You’d be a tremendous help to me on that subject, for sure.
By the way, I like my friends to be healthy and trim so I hope you’re not just sitting around all winter drinking beer. You know what that does to your waistline. If you were out here I’d have you running on the beach at 5:45 with me. You’d be in shape before you knew what hit you.
Speaking of 5:45, it comes mighty early. So, I’ll close for now. Hope you don’t get too much snow, and as far as your dreams are concerned, may you only remember the good ones.
Your friend,
Julie
She reread the letter, spell-checked it and sent it. She’d been somewhat hard on him, but it was necessary. Time would tell if Danny could be man enough to deal with it. She’d see what kind of a friend he could be. Then, if he could rise to her expectations, he’d be welcome to, as he suggested, “drop by” anytime. Just like Trace.
Tuesday began in darkness for Danny, like every other January morning. But he couldn’t help noticing the immense ivory moon, hung like a Christmas ball in the misty, indigo sky. With visible assurance that the clear skies predicted had truly arrived, Danny felt a burst of new energy.
Once at work, he got his day organized on paper while sipping his first cup of coffee. Mostly he was thinking about his impending trip to California and seeing Julie again. In forty-two years he’d never been further west than St. Louis so he really didn’t know what to expect.
He consciously recognized that his image of California had been crafted artistically by Hollywood and the television studios. But at the same time it was like an unfinished painting. He assumed that the Southland, as Julie liked to call it, was something like Florida, except that she claimed the climate out west to be even more pleasant and the palm trees taller. He could envision the ocean, of course. But he’d also heard about the crime in L.A., the gangs, the overcrowding, the traffic, and the smog. These factors taken together were somewhat unsettling. As was the very real possibility of a mudslide or an earthquake, although he might actually look forward to experiencing a little tremor, just to see what it might feel like to have the earth move and the buildings sway, but not too severely, of course. What were the chances of the so-called “big one” happening while he was out there anyway? He wasn’t really worried.
He was also trying to picture his ex-wife as she now must be — thinner and happier than he’d seen her in a good long time. Her letter seemed to indicate that she was adapting well to her new environment, maybe a little too well when it came to relationships, especially with the opposite sex. She had also become one part, career woman and another, college student. And now, being honest about his feelings, Danny recognized that he was slightly envious of her for her lifestyle and for the fact that she had goals which were being accomplished. He, on the other hand, had neither goals nor a sense of accom-plishment, and this sad realization made him wonder if lack of ambition had been his problem all along. Still, he wasn’t totally lacking in ambition, at least where his job was concerned. He always managed to remain focused on work, and on his responsibilities as an employee of Baseline Technologies. All in all, he’d accomplished quite a few things over the years, doing pretty well for himself, career-wise. What was more important than that?
This flush of self-congratulation did nothing to allay his regret over the failure of his marriage, however. He wished he knew what had made him so callous toward Julie when they were married. Somehow, he’d gotten so wrapped up in his own problems at work that nothing she did seemed very important to him. If only he had those years to live over again. Knowing what he now knew about his tragic tendencies, he’d surely behave differently. He’d treat her in the ways she needed and wanted from him. No doubt he was capable of pulling that off.
And now, oddly enough, considering all the bad karma of their last few years, he wanted to try again with Julie. Also, he was convinced that this time he would go about things differently. He’d persuade her of his love. He’d prove his sincerity. After all, he was sincere, and he believed with all his heart that they could fall in love again. But there was still the dilemma of the two-thousand mile distance between them. He had no answer for that. Fortunately, he believed love capable of solving a multitude of problems.
Danny left off daydreaming for a few moments and made the rounds of his staff. Minutes later, satisfied that all four of them were hard at work in the business of recruiting, he returned to his office and punched up his e-mail, half-hoping there might be a note from Julie though not setting his expectations so high as to believe she might have responded overnight.
But sure enough, there was a note in his in-box from her, and it was entitled: “What are friends for…”
It looked promising; she started right off taking the bait. Danny read eagerly. But as he got further into the body of the letter, his countenance fell. Then his heart began to ache. Wow, he thought, she must be after revenge. What she’s suggesting would be a fate worse than death — being locked away in a beach hotel somewhere in the tropics for a whole week with no hope of having sex. I would never agree to something like that, and she knows it. Maybe she just wants to torture me. What kind of relationship is it if you can’t get physical from time to time? This is nuts!
He despaired. Then he wondered how he was going to respond to her letter without blowing off the whole friendship before it got beyond a couple of inconsequential e-mails.
After a moment’s consideration, he decided to call Valerie. He hated to think that she was his only hope, but it was only Valerie that came to his mind as someone he could trust, someone who wouldn’t laugh it off and tell him to “get a life,” someone who could actually give him concrete advice. His buddies on the other hand...well, they wouldn’t even have a clue.
Another day was underway for Julie, and, although she hadn’t felt much like getting up when her clock radio switched on, she somehow found the inner strength to stick with her discipline. For the second day in a row, she ran her morning circuit in a cold, Pacific drizzle. But she still managed to break a sweat.
Later, once at work, she broke a different kind of sweat as she tried her hand at PageMaker. She wanted to get about a half-hour’s worth of practice with the software prior to Allison’s arrival. But it was over an hour before her blonde mentor showed up wearing grunge clothing and her usual thick layer of eye makeup.
Clearly, Allison had already mentally checked out of her job responsibilities at SunBurst. When Julie asked her about the new look, she simply said she needed to pack her things and didn’t want to ruin any of her good office clothes. “But then why should I care,” she added. “I’ll probably just let Jerry knock me up once we get to Colorado, so I can turn into a mountain mama, barefoot and pregnant, just like all those Mormon women. It’s probably time to get started on the baby thing anyway. Jerry’s been bugging me for over a year now, and it’s true: I’m not getting any younger.”
Julie wondered what kind of mother Allison might make. But she realized that all mothers were something else first. She, herself, had been a teenager when she missed her first period. Expectant motherhood has a way of administering a suitable dose of reality.
Mike Tattersall called from Ventura County around nine-fifteen, anxious to learn how Julie was doing on her new job. He stated proudly that, with the way things were going on the road, it looked like they’d have at least two more proposals to write for opportunities in Fullerton and Garden Grove. There was also a presentation to prepare for a building contractor up in Thousand Oaks. Julie asked him if that wasn’t a little bit far away for SunBurst to have a client, but Mike said the opportunity was so perfect, he couldn’t pass it up. He added that he hoped she was a quick study because he wanted to bring her along for the appointment next Thursday. He ended the conversation by promising to check with her later in the week and saying that she could get him caught-up with the office “goings on” when they met for dinner on Friday. Julie said she hoped to be fully trained by then, but, with all she had to do, there wasn’t time to keep tabs on everything and everybody else. Mike responded with surprise and a little disappointment. After what Spence had told him, he thought sure he’d hired “Wonderwoman.” She elected not to challenge him further but did say that “those are some pretty big boots to fill.” And she was thinking, privately of course, that she couldn’t fill the “D” cups either. Not even close.
On her morning break she phoned her dad, down in Laguna, figuring that, with all the bad weather, he’d be moping around the condo and getting on Lora’s nerves. She was right. Lora answered the phone. She seemed glad to have someone to tell her troubles to. Jack Baker had gotten stricken with cabin fever Sunday evening, before the first cold and rainy day had ended. “You know your father,” Lora said. “He goes out on that boat in just about any weather. But it’s been so windy and cold. He’s been on the couch, channel surfing for three days now.”
Lora invited Julie down for Sunday dinner and Julie accepted, saying, “That sounds great. I’ll bring along a bottle of wine.”
When she went into the break room for some coffee, Julie glanced at the L.A. paper, spread haphazardly on the table there. There was a front-page story on the Northridge quake of ‘94, the first article in a series, titled: “Remembering Northridge,” in advance of the disaster’s anniversary date later this month. With a magnitude of 6.8, the ’94 temblor had been the second major quake to damage the San Fernando Valley in recent memory. Twenty-three years previous, a 6.5 magnitude tremor jolted the sleepy communities northwest of L.A. on an otherwise quiet February morning, causing widespread destruction to roads, rails, hospitals, and homes. And this historical fact may have given some residents of the Valley a false sense of security as they reasoned that, like lightening, disasters such as this don’t strike the same place twice. But that theory proved false when the Northridge hit, shattering the early morning peace in the Valley once again. It was four years ago this coming Saturday.
Julie marveled. What were the chances of that happening?
Back at her desk again, she buried herself in the proposal for Williams Industries. With Allison already a thousand miles off in the Colorado high country, musing over her fertility quotient and how she might look with forty extra pounds around the middle, the presentation for Williams, due Thursday, would be Julie’s problem, alone.
Her thoughts drifted to Danny and she wondered whether he’d read her note. I hope I wasn’t too hard on him, she thought. No doubt, that was the wrong approach. Now he probably thinks nothing’s changed “She’s still the old ice queen she used to be. You need a blow torch just to get close to her.” But she didn’t want to lead him on either. That would be an even worse strategy for trying to cultivate friendship. Oh well, what’s done is done. We’ll just have to see what happens. If he wants this relationship, it will have to be on my terms.
“Julie, have you seen my nail file?” It was Allison, experiencing another personal crisis, at least her third one this morning.
She’s beginning to get on my nerves, Julie thought before responding. “Sorry Allison, I haven’t.”
Danny and Valerie sat facing each other at a coffee table inside the Barnes and Noble bookstore. He called her early in the day and, trying not to seem too desperate, told her he had heard from Julie but needed a woman’s perspective to sort things out before responding.
He hadn’t thought beforehand how to present his dilemma, and now that they were together, he felt a bit embarrassed and somewhat at a loss for words.
“So...what exactly did she say?” Valerie was grinning, egging him on.
“I’m getting to that. Hold your horses. You said you weren’t in a hurry.”
“But a girl wants to know these things.” She sat up a little in her chair and sipped her cappuccino. As she removed the mug from her mouth, a thin arc of white foam remained on her upper lip. She gently blotted it away with her napkin. “Well, are you just going to sit there and watch me make a slob out of myself, or are you going to clue me in? You know what the Chinese chef said, don’t you?”
“What was that?”
“No talkee, no wokee.” She giggled. “I heard that on a Chinese cooking show once. It’s funny, don’t you think?”
“Hilarious,” he replied, sardonically. “It’s chopping me up on the inside.” Then he smiled at her and added, “Just don’t let one of those Chinese chefs wok your dog. It could be the last time you see him in one piece.”
She laughed out loud at this, as did Danny, although he was laughing mainly at the kick she got from the double entendre. He realized how much he liked this girl. She was so guileless, so much fun to be around.
“Well,” she said after calming down, “getting back to the subject of your wife...”
“That’s just it, she’s not my wife any more, and she seems to have gotten totally beyond our marriage.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know...I guess it’s a combination of jealousy and frustration.”
“Is there some other guy she likes?”
“It’s hard to say for sure. She mentioned another guy in her letter, but he may just be a friend. And that’s what she kept saying she wanted from me — just friendship.”
“Well, that’s a good thing,” Valerie proclaimed. “I wouldn’t be frustrated over that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, to me, any relationship that’s going to last has to start with friendship. So it sounds like you two are headed in the right direction.”
Danny remained quiet, thinking this over. Valerie slurped more of her drink. She reached over and took his hand. “You know, I think I understand how you feel.”
“You do?” He was motionless, though stimulated from her touch.
“Yeah. You’re feeling sorry for the way things didn’t work out, blaming yourself for the divorce and all. Now you wish you could wave a wand and make everything all right again, but it’s more complicated than that. Most of all, you’re afraid there’s no chance of getting her back.”
She took another sip. “How am I doing so far?”
“How’d you get all that from what I said?”
“It’s written all over your face.” She released his hand and gave it a couple of gentle pats. “And I’m a woman, just like her. So I can imagine just where her head’s at.”
“Where’s that?”
“It’s really pretty simple. She’s still hurting from your breakup, and she doesn’t know if she can trust you again. So she wants to take it slow, build a friendship, figure out what you’re up to.”
“You really think it’s that simple?”
“Yes and no. She’s probably going to say and do some unpredictable things as well, you know, to try and test you, to see if she can get you to slip up, or if you’re just faking it.”
“Do you think I could be trapped that easily?”
“Look, Danny, you’re a man, aren’t you? What you have to realize is that all men can be trapped. But the real problem is that she will most likely be acting on impulse, out of her defense mechanisms. So, half the time, she won’t even be conscious of what she’s doing to you, or how difficult she’s making things. The question is — how bad do you want her back? Because if you aren’t one hundred percent convinced, she’ll have your head on a plate.”
“Let’s say I am convinced, what do I do to avoid the traps?”
“I’m going to bill you for this, you know.”
“Don’t worry, I’m good for the money.”
“Okay, let’s see... First, you have to respect her feelings — don’t make light of them. Then, remember that a woman needs constant reassurance of your love and dedication. You can’t tell her enough. Next, don’t rush things; take it slow. Make the friendship work. Be a good listener. And remember that she’ll probably need some time before she lets you get close to her in certain ways, if you know what I mean.”
“You mean sexually.”
“Right. Boy, I can’t believe I’m telling you all this stuff. These are women’s secrets, you know.”
“I knew there was a reason I liked you so much.”
“One other thing. You’re going to have to be patient. If you don’t wait for her to be ready, she’ll convince herself that you’re only interested in one thing. And then you’ll be back to square one.”
Danny didn’t respond immediately. She had hit him dead center, as if she had been aiming. He was sure she didn’t mean to be offensive with her advice, but he still felt wounded somehow.
Finally, he spoke. “What kind of degree did you say you had?”
“It’s just an Associate’s. But I read a lot. And I’ve worked on the marriage counseling team at my church for the past year-and-a-half. You’d be surprised at how many people have the same problems in their relationships.”
“Well, you’ve certainly given me a few things to think about. And it’s not like I never heard any of this before. I guess I’ve never really looked at it from a woman’s perspective until now. Thanks.”
“Oh, you’re not getting off that easy, Danny. Now it’s my turn to ask you for something — a little quid pro quo.”
“Name it.”
“Well this is going to sound strange coming from me but…here goes. A week from this coming Friday is my twenty-first birthday.”
“Happy birthday. You want me to bake a cake?”
“No, don’t be silly. Maybe I should give you a little background first.”
“Go ahead. I’ll practice my listening skills.” Beginning to relax now, he raised his cup to his lips but the coffee was cold, so he set it back down. Valerie simply waited, watching him until he stilled himself and caught her eyes. They were a mysterious, deep brown.
“I’ve been raised in a Christian family. You know that, right?”
“So you’ve said.”
“Church three times a week, twelve years of Christian school, no drinking, smoking, swearing, the whole schmeer. I’ve lived in the same house with my parents all my life. My friends and all I’ve ever known are connected to the church. But it’s like living in a fish bowl. Everybody in my world knows everything about me, or so they think anyway. They figure I’m just like them; we’ve all been programmed the same way.” She paused to drink the last of her cappuccino.
“Now, this may sound crazy, but you’re one of only a few people I’ve met who I feel wouldn’t judge me for expressing something that wasn’t exactly biblical, if you know what I mean. It’s almost as though I’m not allowed to think for myself, at least not out loud, anyway. You following all this?”
“Loud and clear.”
“Well, I have been feeling stifled for over a year now. I’d like to experience something else out of life, but at the same time I don’t want to mess things up just to have a little fun. And there’s really nobody else I can trust not to betray me. Isn’t that amazing? But the truth is that anything I do will be common knowledge in the church before next Sunday. So here’s where you come in. To pay off your debt for this counseling session, I want you to take me out for my twenty-first birthday and buy me a drink or two. I want to have some fun without worrying who might say what to whom and without being afraid that, with one night on the town, I might be digging myself halfway down to my own personal hell. What do you think?”
“I only have one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“If your conscience bothers you afterward, you won’t blame me or tell me we can’t be friends anymore.”
“I promise.”
“Then you have a deal. You said next Friday, right?”
“Right. Next Friday.”
“I’ve got just the place. It’s in my neck-of-the-woods so there’s not much chance that anybody there will know you.”
“What’s the name of the place?”
“No, no. It’s going to be a surprise. You don’t have to dress up though. Office clothing will be just fine. In fact, we can leave right from the office if you want, and I’ll throw in dinner. Deal?”
“Deal.”
Danny knew the next ten days were going to sail by. He had some things to look forward to. He had goals. First, there was the night out with Valerie. He silently vowed to make that special for her. Then, the very next afternoon, he’d be leaving for the West Coast. In between, there were only two things to worry about: meeting the hiring deadline for the Chrysler project, and surviving his date with Michelle, during which he hoped to put their ill-suited relationship behind him. He would spend the majority of his free time getting ready for the trip. There was still a lot of work to do.
With his confidence lifted higher than it had been in months, Danny marveled at the reason why. Sweet little Valerie, dime store Freud that she was, had told him what he needed to hear — all was not lost with Julie. If he simply continued to build his friendship with her again, he might be able to win her back. Okay, it wasn’t exactly a lock, but with some effort, it could happen. Unlike his state of mind prior to their meeting, he now understood both himself and his game plan. It was just like hockey. He was going up against a team he’d faced before — and defeated. His instincts told him that winning was within his grasp.
With regard to Valerie and her desire to have a little common, ordinary fun, he was more than happy to oblige. But he swore to himself that he wouldn’t take advantage of her; she meant too much to him. There would be no indulging of his passions with her. He’d come a long way from when he first laid eyes on her, last week. Oddly enough, he now saw her as he did his very own daughter; only with Valerie he felt free to talk about things he wouldn’t dare share with Clarrie. He was equally protective of her though. The gall of those so-called Christian people, painting her into a tiny little corner of life, he thought. She is not just some kind of robot that can be programmed and controlled according to someone else’s rules! To him, Valerie was like a cool breeze in August, a diamond in a rock pile. One day, some young man would find her and see himself as the luckiest man on earth. And he’d probably be right.