Chapter Twenty-Three
They walked together into her little house. Julie flipped on the television, so they could watch the second half of the Superbowl. “You must be famished,” she offered. Danny said he was. They had been out all day without lunch. She quickly put together a couple of sandwiches and set some snack foods out on the counter. Then, with the halftime about to climax, she sent Danny down the street to the local market for some beer. He came back with six bottles of Olympia. “When in Rome,” he said, when she commented on his choice of brands.
They spent most of the evening catching up on the past year-and-a-half. She probed into his private life until Danny felt like the subject in a biology experiment. He did not shade the truth, though, which made him justifiably proud of himself. Then again, he had nothing to hide. There really was no other woman, hadn’t been since Lisa broke off with him.
He eventually got around to telling her how Bobby Brooks had tried to fix him up with his sister-in-law, Michele Sullivan. Julie laughed at that. “I can just picture you trying to handle her kid. He’s a hellion. Michele always claimed he had A.D.D. But if you ask me, all he really needed was a good swat across the backside.”
“Well, it didn’t work out,” Danny said, adding that being alone has been hard on him too, especially since his job falls way short of taking the place of a personal life.
She wanted to know what had brought about all the changes in him — he seemed so very different from when they were married.
“I’ve got a friend named Valerie Robinson to thank, mostly. She’s about Daniel’s age and she works in my building. We met one night in the parking lot when her car needed a jump. She helped me put my life into perspective. I never would have written that first note to you if it weren’t for Valerie.”
“So I have her to thank then?”
“You do. And I’d like you to meet her someday.”
“Is that right?”
“Jul, you don’t have to worry about Valerie. There’s nothing between us but friendship.”
“Just friendship?”
“Honest.” He didn’t have to equivocate with his response.
“Why do you think I divorced you, Danny?”
The question landed on him like a safe, instantly flattening him. Julie always knew how to cut to the heart of a matter. It took him a moment to gather himself sufficiently for a response. “I guess because you were upset over my affair with Lisa.”
“That was certainly part of it.”
“What was the rest?”
Her eyes widened. “We had nothing left between us, Danny — no love, no sex, no mutual interests — nothing.”
“Well...I know what you’re saying, but it wasn’t as bad as all that.” She had made it sound even more hopeless than he could recall.
“Even so, what’s changed now? You say you love me but those could just be empty words. And how do I know it’s not just a matter of you being lonely and me being available. It’s all very convenient, you know, us being together again. Why would things be any different between us this time around?”
Danny wished he could honestly disagree with her appraisal of the situation, perhaps offer some kind of argument which did not make him look like jerk in the past or such an opportunist at present, but unfortunately, nothing convincing came swiftly to mind.
“I can’t say exactly why, but I feel it in my heart, that’s all. Besides, I don’t believe love can be defined in tangible terms.”
“But you can love someone without really liking them, don’t you think?”
Danny considered her point with a furrowed brow. Julie nibbled on the end of her little finger for a moment, before making it personal. “And you may not want to be around someone either — take the way I’ve felt about you for the past couple of years, for instance.”
“So you never really stopped loving me then?” He was reaching, but it was a logical question.
“No, not completely, but I hated you all the same.”
Danny regarded her answer as a revelation of sorts, possibly the break he had been looking for. Leaving his chair, he walked over to the snack bar to conduct an animated appeal.
“Julie, I don’t have any defense for the past. What I did was stupid. I don’t think I’ll ever stop regretting it. But, on the other hand, our time apart has helped me get a grip on my true feelings. So now I can honestly say that marrying you was the best decision of my life, and what I did to drive you away was the worst. Losing you was the biggest loss I’ve ever suffered. It was worse than if I’d cut off one of my arms or legs because, unlike your limbs, you only get one mate, someone who becomes as much a part of you as an arm or a leg, and when that person’s gone there’s nothing left to take their place.”
He paused a moment, hoping for a response. None was offered.
“I’ve discovered in the past year-and-a-half that there is a considerable part of me missing without you, Jul. I am absolutely convinced that no other woman can take your place, not in this life anyway.”
Julie remained skeptical. “That may just be the way you feel until the next large-breasted Lisa comes along.”
He walked over to her chair and crouched down beside her. “Look, when you divorced me and moved out here, I found out what life was like without you, and I’m here to say that I didn’t like it. And I didn’t like myself in that kind of life either. So I changed everything, or at least everything I could think of to change. And I’m willing to keep on changing. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. Besides, if I could live as a single man for over a year without having sex, I can get by without another Lisa, large breasts or not.”
“You’ve had no sex for a year?”
“Over a year.”
“How many different women?”
“Just Lisa, that’s all.”
Julie turned her face away for a moment. This was all so ironic, she thought. The score had been evened, although she felt a twinge of conscience over regarding their affairs in such cold-hearted terms, as if they were both involved in some kind of sport. Turning back, she reached out and took one of his hands. With her free hand she patted the seat cushion next to her. “Come sit beside me. Tell me something.”
“What’s that?” He squeezed in next to her.
“Did you ever get a blood test afterward to see if, well...you know...”
“Yes. And no — I didn’t catch anything from her.”
“Well, that’s one good thing, anyway.”
“Right. I’m the poster boy for secondary virginity.”
She looked into his brown eyes. They appeared innocent and doleful. “What would you do if I told you to ‘get lost?’ That I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”
“I wouldn’t have come out here if I thought you were going to tell me that. But, to answer your question, you can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m in love with you, Julie. And I think I heard you say you loved me too.”
“Not so fast. I did not say that.”
“You implied it though.”
“But I didn’t say it.”
“Well I did.” He lifted both of her muscular legs over his and put his arms around her neck. She did not resist him. “You are the most beautiful woman in the world, and I don’t want to live another day without you in it. Nothing else matters to me, Julie. Honest.”
She was beginning to cry again.
“Julie, please don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry.” She sniffed. “I’m just a little vulnerable right now.”
Danny stroked her hair. “I’m not going to hurt you again. Ever.”
“I wish I could believe you, Danny.”
He pulled his handkerchief from his pocket and used it to dry her eyes. Then, with the backside of his fingers he began exploring her features. Her face was soft, just like he had remembered it. He traced along her hairline, stopping to play with one earlobe for a moment. Julie cocked her head in response to his touch. He silently admired her delicate and beautifully shaped nose, the very same nose their daughter Clarrie inherited from her. Though unlike Clarrie’s naturally smiling mouth, Julie’s lips were solemn by nature. For another few moments, Danny sat there holding her, drinking her in, satisfying himself with their closeness. It seemed like a dream-come-true that they could be together again, sharing the same chair, hemmed in as close as two people could be. He longed for her to open her lips to him, yet she remained cautiously aloof. Finally, he gave her a little kiss on the cheek and then lifted himself up and out of the chair, pulling her up with him.
He held onto both her hands and, with all the sincerity he could muster, he said, “If you give me a little time, I’ll prove my love to you. For now, all I can give you is my word.”
“And your word is...”
“My bond.”
“Uh-huh.”
At a little past nine, Danny noticed Julie’s eyelids beginning to droop. “You look tired,” he told her.
“I guess I am, a little.”
“Maybe I should be going. You need your rest for the job search.”
“I’m sorry I don’t have a couch, or you could sleep here tonight.”
“That’s okay. I’ve got a room already paid for up in Anaheim.”
Had she offered him the vacant side of her bed he would have gladly agreed to stay the night. But she deserved some time to sort out her feelings, and he was willing to wait a little longer — he owed her that much.
Before going out, however, he gave her a warm hug and a generous kiss on the cheek. She offered no resistance this time. In fact, if his senses could be trusted, she seemed to welcome his embrace.
After a fitful sleep, in which her mind whirred half the night, Julie awakened with a new perspective on her future. In her mind’s eye she beheld a tranquil vista of hope, dotted with sparkling possibilities like a regatta of bright, white sailing ships on a peaceful sea. And, in contemplating the panorama, she sensed exhilaration. She appeared to be on the verge of arrival at that elusive place called happiness, a state she had coveted for a lifetime, one that had consistently evaded her over and again. Now, fortuitously, like on those rare occasions when Neiman’s puts its good shoes on sale, happiness seemed within her grasp.
Thinking back on the years when she was both mom and homemaker, she remembered feeling cheated. Of course, no one had deliberately denied her happiness and contentment. But neither had she ever truly experienced the personal satisfaction that comes through interaction with one’s adult peer group in an occupational setting. Consequently, she longed for what she lacked — a full-time career — and for adults with whom to relate. More recently, of course, she got a taste of the career-oriented life and, like most things, the reality of it came up far short of her glamorized ideal. Just like in her marriage and family, flaws appeared in the fabric. To say the least, this was a major disappointment. But then again, she was definitely learning how to cope with such let downs. She’d had her epiphany. And woven into the whole cloth of her discovery, in twisted yet recurring fashion, was the black thread of disappointment. Seeing it in her work situation, so plainly recognizable, so tightly integrated with the product of her life, Julie recognized that failures and setbacks were not anomalies. Nor were they cruel punishments for her attempts to extract happiness and satisfaction from this life. Nor was she being unjustly singled out as one who should suffer more grievously than anyone else. On the contrary, disappointments, like rainy days, were merely a part of the natural order of things.
Fortunately for Julie Baker Predmore, her life — going all the way back to childhood — had prepared her quite adequately to deal with the difficulties and setbacks that came her way. So it was not surprising that she suddenly felt good about taking Danny at his word. Not because he had proven trustworthy in the past, although for the most part he had always been honest with her. And neither was it because she had acted rashly and prematurely when she cast both him and their marriage aside, even though she probably had been somewhat impulsive in that decision. And it was certainly not because, with his new-found charisma, Danny suddenly appeared more charming than she could remember. But rather, it was for the happiness and contentment that she somehow sensed there for the taking with him in her life once again.
Plus, she wanted the shaking to stop and the ground to become solid under her feet once more. She wanted one person to depend on, and when she thought about all the people she has ever known, she could not remember anyone more dependable than Danny. Sure he has his faults, but who doesn’t? And even so, after she divorced him and left him in her dust, here he was — back again, right when she needed him the most.
Suddenly, she had a second chance at him, and she did not want to blow it, especially since she was discovering all over again how deeply she loved him. The simple truth of the matter was — though she had not realized it until just yesterday — her feelings for him never died out at all. They had just gone dormant for a season. And now, after being with him for only two days, they were back, warming her from the inside out.
In addition, she perceived that she had just arrived at a crucial fork in the road of life. Fortunately, she knew instinctively which way to go. Only one clear choice lay before her. It was the same choice she had made all those years ago when she was still too young to know anything with certainty. But this time she had a much better reason for making that choice. Considering all the anger and frustration she has directed his way, her incessant moodiness, her many faults, known most eminently by Danny, he still loved her, and he had come all this way to say that he wants her back.
In retrospect, perhaps she should never have let him go in the first place. Thank God, he, at least had come to his senses before it was too late, and one or the other of them got sucked into another ill-advised but committed relationship. She could very easily have made such a mistake, having been in too much of a funk lately to see anything with objective clarity.
She now recognized that neither of them had a ghost of a chance to succeed by starting over with someone new. They weren’t starry-eyed teenagers anymore. They had poured half a lifetime into each other, invested themselves heavily in their marriage until it was worth more than either of them dared to calculate. They had already climbed many of life’s heights, achieved more milestones than most — making a home, raising their kids all the way up through school, building a decent family life, keeping the bills paid. They’d had a good partnership, but somehow she had missed the most obvious point — missed it until now, that is. After coming so far together, it was ludicrous to go back to a zero-balance situation with someone else.
After he left last evening, she cried yet again, but the tears came forth from a well of happiness and relief this time, not from despair or regret. She was thinking about how lucky she was that he had come back to her now, when she was at her lowest emotional ebb. She could just as easily have lost him forever.
She tried to remember what she had been thinking two years ago, although naturally those thoughts were long gone, having evaporated along with her anger toward Danny. Nevertheless, upon hearing about his affair with Lisa, she should have taken him by the hand and led him into the bedroom for the best time he’d ever had in his entire life, though admittedly, that had been out of the question in the face of such an insult. Still, she knew what he liked. She could have stopped his restless wandering in a heartbeat, turned him around, and eventually won his affections back. She just did not feel like it at the time. She was too tired, too worn out from life and raising kids, then teenagers, and too angry with him for neglecting her. But mostly, she had been oblivious to what they possessed together, to the real value of their relationship. Although their walk through life had not been without its uphill climbs, it was nonetheless a good land where they put their roots down to dwell together, one that neither of them should have been ready to abandon.
But alas, they now had a second chance. Danny was back, and this time she was not going to let him slip away again. She whispered a prayer as she thought about going to the health clinic later this morning: Oh God, please let everything come out okay. I’m sorry I messed up so bad. I just couldn’t handle some kind of incurable disease right now, even though I probably deserve one. And thanks for bringing Danny back to me. I hope you can work something out to get us together again. I guess I’d move back to Michigan if that’s what it’ll take. But, isn’t there some other way? I’ll leave it one up to you — you’ve done a good job so far.
When Danny awoke, the message light was lit on his telephone. His mind flipped through the possibilities as he dialed the number to connect to his temporary voice mail. Only a few people knew where he was staying, among them were Vic, Gillian and his staff at Base Line, Valerie, and Julie. Who would be leaving a message this early on a Monday morning? He hoped it wasn’t anyone from work. On further consideration, he decided it could only be Julie.
But, as the message began, he was arrested by Gillian’s resonant alto voice, “Danny, sorry to bother you out there, but I wanted you to hear it from me first that one of the candidates we hired for the Chrysler job backed out of his offer over the weekend. This puts us in a real bind. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like we have anyone to replace him. Naturally, we’ll be going over the possibilities at the meeting this morning, but I’m not real hopeful. Cook is going to be very upset, and Vic, well, what can I say about him?
“Anyway, I thought you should have a head’s up in case Vic decides to get in touch with you. If you get a chance, maybe you could call me later. Hope you’re having a good time on the ‘left coast.’ Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. See ya.”
“Shit,” Danny said to himself in a half-whispered, fully aspirated fashion, though no less harshly than the message had struck him. But then, there was another message. He continued listening.
Julie’s voice smiled at him over the line, sounding surprisingly cheerful for six-thirty on a Monday morning, “Hi, Danny. I hope you slept well even though it’s hard to get a good night’s rest in a hotel bed. But, well...I woke up this morning and remembered I owed you an answer on Las Vegas. I’ve never been there either, you know. The problem is, I’m supposed to be in my sociology class Thursday evening. But I’ve thought it over — and call me crazy because I’m going to have to make up a lot of work to get through this class — but I would love for you to take me to Las Vegas. Especially since it will give me something to look forward to while I’m out job-hunting. After three days of pounding the pavement, I’ll definitely be ready for a break. Oh, and one other thing: When you make the reservations, I don’t think we’ll be needing more than one room. I love you, Danny. I’ll be looking forward to seeing you tonight. Bye.”
Danny hung up the receiver and audibly let out a “Yes!” He was nearly there. And it had only taken him two days. Someone must be smiling down on him, clearing away the barriers from the road ahead. He knew there was no way he could have gotten this far on his own.
There was just one little hurdle left to jump — the matter of their homes being half a country apart. Well, on second thought, maybe that wasn’t such a little hurdle. Too bad he was the only one with an income.
He wondered if she really meant what she had said yesterday: I’m not moving back to Michigan! Maybe it was something spoken out of frustration, or merely a reflection of her sense of loss, evidencing itself in the form of predictable, Anglo-Saxon obstinacy.
He could, however, sympathize with her need to grab onto something for security, something that had not already failed her. He was doing the same thing in his attempt to win her back. Besides, it was well within the margin of plausibility that she would choose to take her stand right here, with her feet planted firmly on California’s sacred ground, however prone it may be to shaking from time to time. For as long as he has known her, she has fantasized about this place, building it up in her own mind into something more than it could possibly be, a kind of utopia, heaven on earth, so to speak. To her, California’s myriad of problems — the over-population, the high real estate prices, the traffic, the bad air, the mudslides, wild fires, and earthquakes — were as much as invisible. She could simply ignore them along with their potential negative impact on her quality of life. Her love for this place seemed so vast that even if a quake swallowed half of Newport Beach, she wouldn’t leave. No, she would be one of those who stayed on to reconstruct her life and existence. Resolute in the aftermath, she would appear on the evening news, “You can shake the ground, but you can’t shake me.” Clearly, it would not be easy to tear her away from the place she now calls home.
So, where did that leave the two of them? Danny was having difficulty imagining a solution. Perhaps he would have to be the one willing to relocate. Yet, such an option was laden with uncertainty and sacrifice, and probably lots of other baggage he had not yet taken time to consider. Besides, it was much too soon for him to offer an opinion on Southern California living, even to himself, having less than forty-eight hours worth of experience under his belt. If pressed, he felt he could admit to one thing, however, maybe even two. There was a certain mystique about the Southland. And the climate seemed every bit as pleasant as Julie had advertised over the years; something even he could get used to.
But clearly, two thousand miles was too far to commute.