I saw her face. It was weak and pain was fully written all over it. She closed her eyes and bit her lower lip to take in another rush of pain.
I looked at her closely and wanted to help but I couldn't. All what I could do was to watch
She opened her eyes and looked at my direction and said two words that always jolted me back to reality "Help me"
She was coming more frequently lately. She needed help. She wanted me to help her and she doesn't care whether I was awake or asleep. She came whenever she felt like. Sometimes, I told myself that it wasn't real but I couldn't even believe myself.
It felt real. It always felt real but it felt more real than how it was before. There was life in her eyes. There was life in her voice. Baby Joan was alive. She wanted help but I had no idea of how to help her. I heard her screams on my way to lecture rooms. I heard her screams even when I was chatting with friends. It felt as if she took over seventy percent of my brain and was working her way on how to take over the remaining thirty.
I would hear her screams in the cars, in examination halls, while reading and always talked to her whenever I couldn't take it in any longer. She would talk to me, told me what I had to do. Asked me for help. She was making me go crazy.
My friends got worried. I became inactive in activities. I moved away from everyone. I wanted help but I couldn't tell them what really happened.
It felt raw and made me shed hot tears at night. I couldn't even sleep at night, he turned me nucturnal. How could a living being do something as painful as that to another living being? And that question brought up other questions like - what did males really thought about themselves? Special
To me they were not. To me, they were just another specie of human. To me, they don't deserve the power God gave them because they misused them.
They don't deserve to be called Kings but animals because to me that was what they really were. They felt as if they were on top of the world because they were males.
Was it my fault that I was born a female? No. Was it my fault that I don't have enough strength to defend myself against a male? No
We were created differently to continue life. The males were suppose to protect us but ninety eight pecent of them don't or let me say from my own point of view, I wasn't protected at all instead I was abused. Both from my neighbor and my dad
His one night with me destroyed my future generations.
I sat in my room for the last time and wondered what my kids would have looked like and my grandkids and my great grandkids but came up with nothing because all what I saw whenever I closed my eyes was her.
I thought about how everything might have changed if my dad was the opposite of the dad I had. I thought about my gentle mom and my beautiful two sisters.
I stopped thinking and got up. I wasn't going to accomplish my mission if I continued thinking.
The room was dark. I went to the window and dragged the cotton to the right side and allowed the half moon to come in.
He was there when it all started and I thought he should be there when everything ended.
I looked up the ceiling and saw the cold looking rope which I had knotted in the afternoon and beneath it was a chair. With one last look at the half moon and my environment, I turned and started walking toward it. It was the only way I could save baby Joan.
She said she needed rest. She said she was tired. She said she had been in pain for years. She said she had been crying for years. She told me this was the only way if truly I wanted to help her. And I promised her. I promised her I was going to help her. So here I was, helping baby Joan.
I climbed the chair and put the rope around my neck. I closed my eyes in order to take in long breadth but instead saw baby Joan painful face. It broke my heart apart to see that beautiful young girl in so much pain.
I opened my eyes and knew there was no turning back from this. This was what I had to do if truly I wanted to save her.
I tightened the rope and pushed the chair away from my foot. The rope tightened more. I held on to the rope to lessen the pain but it wasn't working. I closed my eyes and saw my mom's face "I'm sorry" I said under my breadth.
I thought about how heartbroken she was going to be when she heard what I had done but I knew she wouldn't be that heart broken if only she knew the reason why I did it.
I did it to save a life.
I did it to save a young girl.
I kicked my legs in the air and held on tighter to the rope around my neck with my two hands. I struggled for breadth and looked out of the building for the last time. I took my last breadth and took baby Joan out of her misery
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To baby Joan