— There's no place like home actually, there is, or rather, there are: Beverly Hills, San Jose, La Jolla, just to name a few, but it's still good to be back in Irvine. My parents planned for us to stay at Uncle and Oldest Auntie's until the weekend, but they had to rush back to work,
— —Jordan had to rush back to study the nerd that she is and I had to rush back against my— — “own accord to prepare for every pre-med student's worst nightmare , the MCAT. The”
MCAT, Medical College Admission Test, is a standardized examination, also known as the “ ”test of death for those who put their entire life's meaning into it; if you're a pre-med student, it will make or break you. And if it breaks you, then you're...broken? Alright, maybe it's not the end of the world, but if you have Asian parents, it's pretty much the end, unless you settle for being a lawyer. Now I have nothing against lawyers, but all Asian parents know that it's second to being a doctor. Anyway, preparing for the MCAT isn't as easy as just cramming the day before. In fact, you'll have to prepare as early as freshman year, by maintaining an exceedingly high GPA. If I have any hope of getting into a good medical school, I'll pretty
— —much have to get above a 3.8, which don't tell my parents I don't have, with only a 3.7. The MCAT itself is a grueling day-long examination that covers physics, chemistry, biology, as well as reading and writing comprehension. I really have to do well on my MCAT to even have a chance of getting into medical school. And if I don't do well...I don't even want to think about it.
Now that I'm back, I have to make a few calls. But whom should I call first? my — incorrigible best friend Gabriel or my soon-to-be hot girlfriend Emilie? As the judiciously wise Michael Scott, from the American TV series TheOffice,once said: "Bros before hoes." But then again, Gabriel can wait, since he doesn't exactly have the nicest ass and sexiest pair of legs like Emilie.
I'm so nervous that I drop my cordless phone on the kitchen floor, right as I'm dialing Emilie's number. What do I have to be so nervous about? I like her and she likes me at least——
I hope she still does. Gabriel's right I really need help with my social life.
I decide to go to the refrigerator to get a drink of distilled water, to soothe my parched throat and ease my nervousness. Perhaps I shouldn't call her since I'll just see her in class; or perhaps I should let her call me; or perhaps I'm just being an idiot for thinking too much into this.
As I go back to my room to get the phone, I just now remember that I dropped it on the kitchen floor. What's wrong with me? Why am I so nervous? I'm just glad I'm not on candid camera or else I'd be a complete laughing stock. I head back to the kitchen, picking up the phone. I look at it, staring at the numbers, taking a long, deep breath and exhaling slowly, slow enough to be inaudible. I gently press each number, thinking if I should back out by hitting the cancel button. The first ring comes, then the second, then the third. Maybe I'll luck out with just leaving a message.
"Hello?" an unrecognizable voice gently mutters.
“ ”Emilie? Maybe I dialed the wrong number.
“ ”Johnson? It's Emilie's voice.
“Hey, yeah, it's me. You sound sleepy. Did you forget whom I was? I should stop”
“Hehe. No. I just woke up and you sound...different. Maybe you're finally going through
” “puberty, Emilie teases, giggling. You sound just like my little sister.”
I tease back, imitating my best Michael Jackson impression, Do I, baby?“ ” “Hehe, that's pretty good. So what's up?”
“Nothing much. I just got back. I wanted to call and check up on you to make sure
you're not violating your probation, I continue teasing. ”
“Well, if I'm on probation, then I guess I'm stuck at home, and I'll never have to see you ”again, Emilie shoots back. I don't like where this is going.
“You're not getting off that easy. As your newly appointed parole officer, I'm requesting
“ Hehe. Pretty smooth but I think I'll pass. Let's go out tonight instead. I don't have any ”plans. What about you? Emilie asks, her lack of plans being music to my ears.
“None at all. What do you feel like eating?”
“Being that I'm Korean, let's go eat some Korean food. Maybe we should go to ”Koreatown. I haven't been there in so long. For Emilie, I'll go anywhere, even ethnocentric Koreatown.
“Sounds like a date. What time should I pick you up? I ask, jumping up and down in”
excitement, like a kangaroo shot in the ass with a tranquilizer gun.
“Well, as my newly appointed parole officer, you should know my time schedule and ”curfew, right? Emilie jokes, her sense of humor even more resplendent than her beauty. “Haha...pretty funny. Alright, how about five o'clock? I need to get my nails and ”makeup done, I joke reciprocally.
“ ”Seriously? Emilie gasps.
“No...not seriously. I'm not Gabriel.”
“Haha. Well, if you were, you'd be very pretty like him.”
“I don't want to think of him as pretty.”
“Alright then, five o'clock. Let me give you my address.”
While I'm writing down the directions, I display an ineffably big smirk on my face, as if I've been daydreaming about Emilie all day long. Jordan walks past me and gives me a queer eye, the same eye at Grand Ma's funeral.
“
—speaks as always.
“
hand.
”Johnson, why do you look like an idiot? Jordan dares to ask, not thinking before she
“
start a fight. ”Who the hell would want to date you? Jordan persists, looking as if she's ready to
“Why do you have to be so negative all of the time, Jordan?”
“ ”Because you're a loser. Jordan walks out of the kitchen and back upstairs to her
— room. I don't understand her sometimes hell, all of the time. She never use to be like this. We use to be able to talk without being at each others' throats. But now, something has changed. She's completely different now that she's going to Stanford. Is she stressed out from all of her studying, so she has to take it out on me? Or is it because she thinks that she's better than me since she's going to Stanford and I'm not, thus, giving her the reason to be so indignant with her affronts. Whatever the case may be, she's really starting to get on my
—nerves. I'll have to deal with her later at least before I take my MCAT, or else she'll stop at no end with her insults if I perform miserably on it.I have about four hours before my date with Emilie to prepare for my usual get-readyfor-a-date routine, which isn't really a routine because I hardly ever go on dates. First, I pick out my wardrobe: a Banana Republic stretch polo with matching indigo, boot-cut jeans wait— —I've worn all this before when Emilie saw me at Auntie's church in Palo Alto, so instead, I'll just put on a blue Salvatore Ferragamo dress shirt with matching boot-cut, beige chinos. Second, I take an hour shower, carefully lathering, scrubbing and cleaning every crevice of my body, like I'm at a car wash, being detailed by a lineup of illegal immigrants. I soap myself up
—from head to toe, but I don't rinse right away no need to rush. I let it all soak in, marinating and tenderizing my body like a glazed sirloin steak ready to be grilled. After several minutes, I rinse off all of the suds and get out to dry myself. But it doesn't end there oh no! I get some—
of my favorite organic cologne, Herban Cowboy Organic Cologne Dusk , and spray it all™ ™
— over my body like it's water the scent so strong that you can taste it; that's one way to eat organic. Afterwards, I gel my hair so stiff that a jackhammer won't be able to chisel it. I complete my hygienic marathon by putting on my outfit, to ultimately become the superhero known as "Ordinary Asian Guy." Last but not least, I look at a full-length mirror and picture myself with the body of a Greek god. Actually, this isn't usually what I do, but I might as well since I have lots of time to spare.
With more than two hours left and my routine completely done, I'm good to go! Maybe I'll get a head start and study for my MCAT before my date. What the hell am I thinking? Why would I want to do that? Studying for the MCAT would make me miserable, too miserable before a date. I have to get my game face on. All this time left is a killer. Oh crap! I totally forgot to call Gabriel. I'll have lots of time to chat with him, plus, he can tell me what to do on my date with Emilie, since I need all the advice that I can muster.
I dial Gabriel's number on my phone and after four rings, he picks up. “ ”Hey loser, Gabriel opens. Why does everyone call me that?
“Hey man. I just got back. And guess what? I have a date tonight with Emilie, I”
announce excitedly, hoping for some praise and acclamation.
“ ”Alright! Dude, that's awesome! Gabriel replies with the praise and acclamation I was
hoping for.
“I know, right? I can't believe it. I'm going on a date tonight with Emilie.” “I can't believe it either, Gabriel teases. Maybe she's on crack.” “ ”
“Who isn't? We're in LA. I can't believe I'm going on a date tonight...with Emilie! I”
repeat.
“ ” “Yeah, I know, Gabriel replies, so you want me to chaperone, newbie?” “Screw you. I think I can handle this...I hope, I confess, not really sure if I'll screw this”
up or not.
“ ”Don't worry, bro, Gabriel says comforting me. Just be cool and be“
yourself...wait...don't be yourself. Just be cool and you'll do fine.”
“ ”Gee, thanks, I reply sarcastically. You're a big help.“ ”
“Well if you screw this up, you can always go on a date with her little sister, Gabriel”
kids, knowing that she's only fourteen.
“How 'bout instead I chaperone the both of you, Captain Statutory? I return jokingly.” “Just get through tonight first, Gabriel advises, and then we'll see. Get off the phone” “
with me so you can do your thing. By the way, in the event that you get lucky, which is next to
hell freezing over, leave a pack of condoms in your car and say that they're mine, so that she
doesn't think you planned it.”
“Gabriel, you're a genius! I knew there was a reason for your existence.” “Yeah, yeah, to serve you, Johnson. Now get off the phone, good luck, behave, stay in
school, don't do drugs, and tell me all about it tomorrowbecause tonight, you'll be doing you”know-what! Gabriel hangs up the phone, finishing his statement with a bang.
I arrive at Emilie's house, which is also here in Irvine, right before five o'clock, not too early and not late. She lives in Shady Canyon, the most affluent part of Irvine, in a commodious two-story, French-provincial styled house with a white-picket fence surrounding the capacious yard and a black metal security gate in front of the long driveway. I pull up to the gate intercom to press the talk button. The gate opens, without me even saying a word, and I park my car near the front door. As I get out, I'm careful not to step on the wet grass and all the shoes and sandals outside the doorway of her house. I press the doorbell and soon after, I can hear rapid footsteps coming down the stairs thump, thump, thump, thump,—
thump. Within mere moments, the door opens and I see Emilie, showing her magnificent smile which pierces through me with ineffable waves of joy and delight. I just stand there, staring at her remarkable presence; she is the consummate female. Emilie is truly the most beautiful girl that I've ever laid my eyes on. "Hey, gorgeous," I greet her, forthright with conviction.
"Hey yourself," Emilie cheerfully replies. "Should we go or should we just stare at each other all day?"
"The latter definitely sounds fine."
"The latter? I don't feel like going on a date with a dork."
"Do you feel like going on a date with a future doctor?"
"Yes, Dr. Johnson," Emilie quickly answers, laughing.
"Well, let's go then. I'll write you a prescription for a good time." I really am a dork.