Today is the greatest day in the history of the world! It's good to be alive! It's good to be me! “ ”When people say, Stop and smell the roses, I now know what they mean, because I'm
stopping at every flower that I see, taking in all the sweet aromas as I walk over to Gabriel's
house. I don't even care that I'm suppose to drive just because I'm from Irvine. I feel like
taking a walk and enjoying the fresh, open air because I got laid last night! Today is the
greatest day in the history of the world!
I turn around the corner to see Gabriel sitting outside on a bench in his front patio, his
feet resting on a pile of MCAT preparation books the best footrest money can buy! Hey,— “ ”loser! I yell from a distance.
“ ”Hey, winner, Gabriel yells back, his clairvoyance impressing me. I can see you“
dancing and prancing so I know something goodhappened between you and Emilie last
night.”
“ ”I hit it! I reply, as Gabriel's next door neighbor looks at us, obviously overhearing our
loud conversation.
“ ”So how was it? Gabriel asks, with a smile bigger than a birthday girl given her first
pony.
“Let's just say she won't be walking for a while, I brag with intrepid confidence.”
“ ”You dog! Gabriel yells again, his neighbor drawing in closer to our conversation. “Actually she was the dog, 'cause I canine-d her from—“
“ ”Let's get out of here, Gabriel interrupts and quietly whispers, since my neighbor is a“
”nosy gossipmonger. We get into his mom's car (Gabriel completely wrecked his car two days —ago from racing big surprise) which is also a BMW 550i, completely shocking that Asians
drive luxury cars I love sarcasm.
Gabriel drives us to the Barnes and Noble bookstore right off interstate 5, so that we
— —can study diligently, of course for the MCAT. Gabriel loves coming here because there's a Starbucks inside. Asians in Irvine and the rest of Orange County love to congregate at Barnes and Noble and Borders, since they can study and get high on caffeine, America's favorite legal drug. Whenever Gabriel drinks just two cups of coffee, he acts like a monkey on crack— and on coke mixed with crystal meth and while we're at it, throw in a bottle of Prozac. That's why I have to limit his caffeine intake, just like what a bartender does for alcoholics drinking beer. Maybe it's not such a good idea to come here after all; I wouldn't want Gabriel starting a Starbucks bar fight with the other coffeeholics. Anyway, we need to get studying or else we'll both do miserably on the MCAT.
After only about an hour and my brain fried like an egg, I decide to quit studying, as I get up to take a walk around the bookstore. The good thing about studying here is the myriad — —of magazines including adult ones that I can read whenever boredom strikes me at its —hardest or whenever studying for the MCAT strikes me at its hardest.I decide to skip the magazines altogether and go over to the graphic novels section. I love reading the latest collections of DC Vertigo and enjoy checking for new works by Neil Gaiman and Mike Carey. While I'm going through each shelf of books, I see an Asian kid about a few feet below from me sitting on the floor, with piles of comic books next to him.
—There are also two plastic cups with straws probably iced mocha judging from all that —whipped cream next to him as well. He reminds me of a little version of Gabriel, a
precocious young lad getting all his daily vitamins and minerals from highly caffeinated, highly
sugary beverages. Maybe I should introduce the two so that they can be brothers—
hyperactive brothers addicted to legal drugs.
I finish looking through all of the shelves for new graphic novels and I see the kid, from
the corner of my eye, getting up and taking off, leaving the pile of comic books and two empty —— —Starbucks cups what a lazy little shit! That's the fourth no, thousandth time I've seen that,
spoiled Asian kids coming in here and leaving their crap for someone else to clean, like
they're at home and their mommies look after them. Asians take everything for granted
because they figure that they'll become doctors or lawyers one day, with people having to
serve them, when in actuality, they're the servants to their parents when they retire. I know—
that picking up after yourself isn't an Asian thing, but you'd be surprised at how many Asian
people don't do it.
I walk back to the table to tell Gabriel about the little bastard, and he immediately — —waves me over to show me a very detailed and very good drawing of a giant penis with testicles, obviously not his own because Asians have small...anyway, I'm pretty sure his drawing won't be covered on the MCAT.
“Gabriel, you're supposed to be studying, not drawing dildos, I scold, hoping that he'll”
grow up, at least before next week's exam.
“ —First of all, it's a cock with balls. Second of all, why are you walking around then instead of studying?”
“Because I'm done studying, I arrogantly reply.”
“Done? We've only been here for an hour. There's no way that you're done.” “I studied before today unlike you, nimrod.”
“ ”I'll show you a rod, Gabriel smirks, pointing at his obscenely distasteful drawing. “Well, if you do bad on the MCAT, you won't have a rod anymore because your parents will chop it off.”
“ ”You know why I'm not laughing? Gabriel asks moronically. He points his left index finger at me, holding a stern look in his eyes and exclaims, Because you're right.“ ” “And if I do bad, my parents will chop off my rod and balls, so I'm in the same shitty—
boat as you are. That's why we have to study or else we're screwed.”
“Alright, alright. Don't get your panties in a bunch.”
“I got panties in a bunch last night at Emilie's, I say boastfully.”
“Har-har. Well, don't worry about the MCAT. Because if you fail, you can always be a ”comedian, Gabriel advises sarcastically.
“Gabriel, why do people make such a big deal about scores? I find myself changing”
“the subject. I mean, seriously. Getting straight A's, high test scores it's not like they ask you—
for your SAT score when you check in a hotel or board a plane. Everyone makes such a big deal about scores but in the real world, no one gives a shit.”
“Hey, bro. You're preaching to the choir. For most Asians, school is life and life is school. For us Japanese, work is life and life is work. We excel in the classroom and in the office but in the real world, we are outcasts. We are minorities, not just because of the yellow color of our skin, but because of our beliefs and our way of life. We're so focused on money, status, and power that we don't care about anything else. That's why no one cares about us,” Gabriel finishes saying.
“Your philosophy ranks up there with Kant and Rousseau, I snicker, half-lie and half”
truth.
“You know that I'm right about the money, status, and power obsession, Gabriel” persists, advocating his tenets.
“Of course, you're right. Actually, I'm right since I'm the one who came up with the Asian Pride Theorems, remember?”
“Yes, Professor Small Johnson.”
“Yeah, that's really original, GAYbriel.”
“Your mom's original.”
“You've used that before, you unoriginal prick.”
“ ”I'll show you a prick! Gabriel points at his drawing yet again.
“You've used that before, too!”
“ ”I've used your mom before too. Gabriel won't be stopping anytime soon. We've been here for only an hour, studying for the damn MCAT and neither of us has accomplished anything. We're so screwed.