There once was a man from Nantucket- stop me if you’ve heard this one - who built a marionette to keep him company. He named the puppet Pistachio. The man, named Gazpacho (not an ideal name, I’ll grant you, but the only other word that sounds similar is Gestapo and nothing brings a story to a screeching halt faster than having one of the main characters named after the secret police of Nazi Germany), was lonely and made a wish before going to bed that his creation become a real boy.
When he awoke, he saw that the Fairy with Green Hair had granted his wish and Pistachio, although still a wooden puppet, was alive and running around the workshop (for the record, I originally mistyped workshop as workship, my subconscious obviously eager to get this story out to sea). Pistachio then declared his wish that he become a full-blown human boy and the Fairy with Green Hair showed up again to tell him that if he proved himself to brave, truthful, and unselfish, she would grant his request and assigned a cockroach named Jesus, who had been lurking under the floorboards, to be his conscience.
As will be illuminated later on, this was a poor decision on the part of the Fairy with Green Hair and shows why insect buddies in stories such as these really need to be vetted more carefully. Had she recruited the cricket that was just outside the front door, this tale might have ended very differently. As it was, Jesus had a serious drinking problem and quickly convinced Pistachio that in order to prove to the Fairy with Green Hair that he could be brave, truthful, and unselfish, he would need to venture out in the world.
Jesus suggested they start at a nearby tavern.
It was in this tavern that Pistachio realized he could earn money by performing for the locals. They hooted and hollered for the marionette with no strings to sing and dance for them on a tabletop and Pistachio obliged. It was only at the end of the night when he was about to leave that Pistachio realized that the bar owner was not going to allow him to return home to Gazpacho and Jesus was not going to be able to help because he was passed out in a corner in a tiny pool of his own vomit.
For three weeks, the cruel bar owner kept Pistachio prisoner and it was only when Jesus started a barroom brawl, by suggesting to one of the local sailors that his mother was a toothless whore, that the two of them were able to make their escape.
But Pistachio, arriving back at the workshop, found it empty. Gazpacho had gone out looking for his beloved puppet.
This sent Pistachio and Jesus back out into the world trying to find the kind man that Pistachio considered his father. Their search ended up at the docks where they learned that Gazpacho had boarded a vessel headed out to sea in order to continue his search for “his boy.”
Eager to pursue Gazpacho, Pistachio and Jesus signed up to be crewmembers on a whaling ship called the Peacock that was just about to set sail. For long weeks, Pistachio entertained the crew with his singing and dancing and Jesus entertained them with a seemingly-endless string of filthy jokes. I will not dignify the foul-mouthed cockroach by telling one of those jokes in its entirety, suffice it to say that one of them involved a man who had lost his penis in an accident and a shifty doctor had replaced it with an elephant’s trunk. When later asked by the doctor if he was happy with the outcome of the surgery, the man replied that he was, although he was sick of his new member shoving peanuts up his ass.
Finally, after being at sea for over a month, Pistachio got word that Gazpacho’s ship had been sunk by the notorious white whale they called Monstrous Dick (as bad as the name Gazpacho is, or even heaven forbid Gestapo would have been, Monstrous Dick is on the other hand box office gold) and that his father had been swallowed whole. Distraught by this news, Pistachio implored the captain to head south in pursuit of the whale so that they might save Gazpacho. The captain, in the most understanding way he knew how, explained to Pistachio that people can’t actually survive in the belly of a whale and that his father no doubt suffocated when the whale’s digestive enzymes filled his lungs.
Overcome with grief, Pistachio killed the captain, took control of the ship, and ordered the chief mate, the unfortunately-named Queefer, to steer the vessel to the last-known location of the murderous leviathan.
For weeks, they combed the seas. (No less than ten minutes of stock ocean footage will be required for the movie version of this story - fifteen in the Director’s cut, not including the additional bonus outtakes involving seaman... no, I’ll leave it at that.)
Finally, they came across the beast and Pistachio lowered himself and a group of seasoned harpooners down in a smaller boat and rowed out to meet Monstrous Dick. The whale, after feeling the sting of numerous harpoons, struck the boat with his mighty tail and sent all the men into the water. Not content to swim back to the Peacock, and in order to prove his bravery, Pistachio struck at the whale as soon as he breached. The whale, seemingly oblivious to the puppet’s efforts, began to swim away. Pistachio tried to extricate the harpoon, so that he might get one final chance to inflict a mortal wound, but instead got tangled in the many ropes and lines attached to the whale and was pulled under the water, never to be seen again.
The Fairy with Green Hair then arrived and decided that Pistachio was beyond help and instead decided to turn the Peacock into an enormous boy. Unfortunately, skin and bones aren’t as buoyant as wood and the ship drowned, killing all aboard.
Everyone except Jesus because it’s nearly impossible to kill a cockroach.