Alan loves his girlfriend. A lot. While his girlfriend loves him as well, he feels that he loves her much more. Not that it’s a competition... but if it were, he feels he would win handily. That it wouldn’t be close. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 to 4.
A month after they met, he climbed to the top of a nearby mountain just to announce his affection for her- which he did at the very top at the top of his lungs. He wanted to climb Everest to make this pronouncement but he has a touch of asthma and couldn’t get that much time off work so he had to settle for a more moderately-sized gesture.
It was still large enough that there was an echo.
Luckily for his family, friends, and new girlfriend, he captured the event on video and shared it on all of his social media sites. Again and again. Often times with bits and pieces of poetry he’d come up with on the spot.
Given that he only had a week’s worth of vacation to work with, he thought it best that the next step in the burgeoning relationship would be to fly to Kansas City, Missouri.
“Why Kansas City?” inquired his girlfriend.
“You’ll see,” was his reply.
“Am I coming with you?” she asked.
“Nope,” he said with a knowing smile. She also thought she saw an attempt at a wink.
Kansas City, Missouri. Home of the Hallmark Corporation. The retail chain responsible for an endless number of sappy greeting cards on the topic of love.
Alan walked back and forth at the entrance to the facility holding a sign that said “You Don’t Know” in big red letters.
Employees of the company assumed he was there protesting where they sourced the lumber for their greeting cards or some off-gassing infraction in some far-flung country associated with the inks they use and paid him no attention. If they actually knew what his sign referred to, they might have had more interest, given their appreciation for sappiness.
But his family, friends, and girlfriend did not get off so lightly. He streamed most of his pacing back and forth, sometimes referencing Hallmark’s quotes on romance followed by an explanation as to why their pithy citations fell short in accurately capturing the size and scope of what he was feeling.
The next day, he returned with a larger sign saying “You Can’t Possibly Know.” He’d hoped that a news crew would show up to do a human interest story on him but they never materialized. This despite the healthy number of hints he’d dropped to every news outlet in the city.
If the general public wasn’t going to see his antics outside Hallmark though, his family, friends, and girlfriend had no such worries. Once again, he was streaming most of it. Although viewership had dipped from the previous day as many of his family, friends, and girlfriend had blocked him on their accounts.
When his friend picked him up from the airport the next day, he felt compelled to confront Alan about his over-the-top behavior.
“You realize you’re only doing this because you think she’s so much better looking than you are, right?”
Without missing a beat, Alan replied, “Well… clearly. She’s at least a 7.”
He did not yet know that his girlfriend had blocked him.
He did not know his friend would soon be buying him a sympathy card from Hallmark.
He couldn’t have possibly known.