As a writer, words are important to me. Because of that, I find myself longing for one and only one thing this Xmas: I want the “P” in pterodactyl removed.
It should be a fairly simple request, but the grinches at Webster’s won’t return my calls. I explained the pterrible consequences of Ps just sitting idly in front of words but to no avail.
The mystery of the pterodactyl deepened the more I looked into it.
Pterodactyls were any of various pterosaurs of the group Pterodactyloidea, including the pteranodons.
Exactly what the pfuck was going on 200 million years ago that required all the silent Ps?
The word ptooey begins with a P but has the good manners to be pronounced as (pəˈtuːɪ). On the other hand, pterygoid (tĕr′ĭ-goid′) barrels ahead without the least concern for the P. And wouldn’t you know it, it means resembling a wing. Coincidence? Just like pteryla, I suppose.
I think not.
I don’t believe in coincidences. Ptooey, which is the sound of spitting, is fine and dandy, but you know what’s lurking in that spit? Ptyalin. Pronounced, of course, (tī′ə-lĭn).
The P and the T are obviously mixed up in something that nobody wants to talk about.
Think I’m just being paranoid? “What’s the problem? Pterodactyls are long extinct. Whatever danger he’s concocted in his head has passed,” I can hear you saying to yourself.
Think again.
Do you know what a ptarmigan is? It’s a grouse. A bird that is alive and well today. Haven’t heard of them? Of course you haven’t. They are tucked away at the Arctic Circle. Sitting in the snow with their white plumage. Camouflaged. Hiding.
Waiting.
“For what?” you might be asking yourself. Exactly.
Pteropods? A group of gastropod mollusks having a foot with wing-like lobes used in swimming. Feet for heaven’s sake! Wing-like lobes used for swimming. A swimming mollusk. Sound like a damn underwater pterodactyl to you?
I don’t have to have a degree in pteridology to know that pteridology is the study of ferns. Ferns!
Convinced yet?
I hope all the pteridologists get swept away by an enormous tidal wave caused by an undersea earthquake.
That’s right, tsunami, I’m coming for you next year.