Soma by Vinay Palsamudra - HTML preview

Soma

(noun: the body as distinct from the soul, mind or psyche)

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. “Ten, nine, eight, seven..” and it ALWAYS ends the same way!

“Hmm.... Alright, Can you help me with more details?” asked my shrink, slouched on her comfortable ‘antique’ recliner, never looking up to see me, laying square on my back on the mattress that was surprisingly very soothing.

Well, it’s a dream Doc, and I don’t exactly recall anything more specific. We have spoken about this, haven’t we?

“Yes, we have indeed Mr. Niketan Rao and we didn’t exactly have a complete session yesterday, if I am right!” my shrink Dr. Alice O’Hanlon politely retorted. She was suggested to me by my boss at work, Mr. Kevin Decker and apparently she had about half a dozen of my colleagues as her client, all referred by Kevin of course. Sadly, I had later found out that she was in no way related to Virginia O’Hanlon.

It had been only my second year at our Texas ODC and perhaps being away from home and family was affecting the way I performed at work.

I had come highly recommended by my manager back in Bangalore, Mr. Padmanabhan Nair and I had finally completely understood the meaning of ‘Windfall’ when ‘they’ slowly broke down the details of the compensation and the perks I would be getting if I accepted the big move to the Land of dreams and opportunity, the Mecca for all techies like me.

It was all going fantastic! The usual long weekend trips to Universal Studios, Hollywood – Sunset Boulevard (yay! I even held my hand next to Arnie’s Star! And of course how could I forget Sin City!) with my ‘desi’ buddies kept me fairly occupied and I had felt so glad that I took the decision to move. Of course, I was also particularly proud that I could sponsor Amma and Appa’s first overseas trip and they were so very happy to see their son having ‘made it’.  The only thing Amma complained was that I had to share my apartment with this ‘North Indian’ which she said as if she was subjected to a dose of a pungent concoction of hot bell peppers and garlic paste. She was referring to my roommate Arjun Jaisingh who was from Udaipur and it wasn’t even that much to the north.

Trouble in paradise started just about 3 months back when I had to move out of the apartment when Arjun got married and had to get his bride. I got a fairly good deal on this cosy yet modern studio apartment that I had looked up on the local classifieds. The studio was about 5 blocks away from Arjun’s apartment but was a little closer to work. The studio didn’t have a view to brag about but it had running water and a decent middle class mixed neighbourhood. The landlady granted me parking space for my Prius, all inclusive in the modest rent, maybe she liked my sweater or the fact that my name rhymed with Nicotine! I should have guessed it was the latter, when I had noticed the patch on her arm. 

I had never been alone my whole life. Throughout my school and college and right until I moved out for America, I always had my parents for company and there was Arjun here until he decided to ditch me for his wife!

Guess I was confused and ignorant and didn’t quite understand what I could do with so much time on hand. I was still too young to be married and I didn’t have the courage or the patience to go girlfriend hunting in redneck land.

Setting up the studio kept me occupied a couple of weeks and I was finally able to conjure up a decent bachelor’s pad, cable TV and all.

The neighbourhood gets eerily silent by the late evenings and I still haven’t been able to get used to it. All I could hear through the evening and the night was the sound of a few cars driving by and the occasional woof of the dogs in the neighbourhood. My old apartment with Arjun was in a semi commercial district and was much more lively and noisy late through the nights.

“Man, how I missed my old apartment!” there wasn’t a day I didn’t lament over the loss.

“You say it’s a recurring dream, Mr. Rao. Would it be possible for you to recall if you see the same exact details, I mean, the same door, the same watch in your dream or are they different each time?” My train of thought was derailed by Alice’s poser that really put me into a quandary. 

“Well I suppose so, I mean, they might have been the same every time”. I could hear Alice scribble down something on her pad. Perhaps she was recording a medical term for ‘on the verge of a mental breakdown / possibly trying to seek attention’.

I wasn’t exactly lying to her.

Since our work place was full of desis I never felt the need to socialize with our fair skinned brothers and ‘their’ sisters. On the flipside, most of my Indian friends were married and older and were here to save and send back the money to their folks. My part time ‘job’ was being Arjun’s wingman and help him ‘win’ a couple of desi girlfriends including the one he ended up marrying.

“Talking about the dream; more a walkthrough -  like a first person shooter like in say – Half Life. I am pretty confident I am very much part of the dream, like an important character with a role to play. But each time I wake up startled after the countdown”

“How have you been spending your free time lately Mr. Rao, have you been watching TV a lot? Movies perhaps? Or reading up on a lot of books?”

“I watch a lot of TV, dozens of movies but I have not been able to finish reading any book that I started since moving in to the Studio.”

“Mr. Rao; about the procedure that we had spoken about yesterday; Are you willing to take it further? You will be required to sign a few papers. I hope you have made your decision”

“Oh I shall be getting the results for the samples we had taken last week. Expect a call from me Mr. Rao” said Dr. O Hanlon as I walked towards the exit.

Alice was referring to the procedure that she was going to perform. It involved inducing me to forced sleep, put me under an MRI to study brain activity and maybe find an answer. Fortunately my insurance paid for psychiatric evaluation.

I drove my Prius back to my studio, waved hello to my landlady (I felt she was like my pet dog back at home, she would always be at her door to see me coming, whatever time of the day or night it maybe) and walked into my sombre studio, clean, well done but creepy calm.

I slouched into my couch thinking what all losers like me would think “Why me?” only to be interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Hi Niketan, you are so late today, I assumed you would be tired and hungry, I have got some leftover lasagne here, hope you like it” It was my landlady Mrs. Jane Walter with a large glass mixing bowl. She seemed like a nice lady, always smiling, speaking at a laid back pace with a slight husk in her voice. She wears these loose fitting sleeveless uni - colour tops with printed long skirts and on some days pants. She is always polite and had a palatable demeanour. Her stained dentures were a big give away that she had a history with ‘the stuff’. 

I turned on the TV and swapped channels to get Zee TV USA. The Saas Bahu routine was on and I slowly drifted away from reality.

And then it began, my recurring dream, my very own Half Life. Everything that was projected inside my brain was as if projected through my own eyes. I am walking through this endless open field, tall dry grass swaying around in the cool breeze. I guess it is sunny outside as I squint both my eyes. There is nothing else and no one else in the whole wide span and I just seem to be walking, that quickly turns to a light jog, then a sprint and to an adrenaline belching dash. It’s as though I am in pursuit of something or someone or the same something or someone is in pursuit of me!

I feel feverish as the cool breeze turns warm and cold alternately, being extremely capricious. By now I can feel my heart pound heavily, as if it’s going to lunge out of my ribs and even though I no longer feel my legs I keep on running, faster and faster.

I realize it is not just the weather that is acting like an octopus under threat, it is the view as well, the clear sky and the tall grass all disappear in a jiffy and I am inside a Kaleidoscope followed by an inverted yet unknown setting of what seemed like a deserted town all the while switching back and forth.

I never had thought that an experience so amazing can be equally nauseating.

Amidst my panting, huffing, heart pounding and running I fling open a door of an inverted house only to fall feet first like a cat on the floor once inside. Everything inside looked familiar, even the way the magazines and old tabloids lay scattered on the centre table. I walk around not cautiously but confidently as though I knew this place.

I walk on, ignoring a faint distant noise that seemed like a ring of a phone. The numbness in my feet fades away and I can feel the cold floor, my heart is less excited now not trying to hurt itself from the constant banging against my ribs.

I see a flash of the kaleidoscopic world for just a jiffy and I am back in the house again. But this time everything seems to be moving away farther away from me, the harder I try to reach out the farther they go. I catch my image on the mirror on the wall and I see walking backwards. Well that explained why things were moving away!

No matter how hard I try, I fail to correct my gait so I decide to adapt to my condition.

I feel the knob on the door behind me which I very slowly turn to hear the all familiar cocking sound much to my relief. As I step back exploring the familiar premise very dimly lit by little streams of golden light filtering through the window shades. I disturb the shades to see the large open field with clear blue sky with tall grass. I let go of the shades to turn back and see the space inside the house veiled in gloom.

I walk on and trip on an unfamiliar object. As I recollect my wits after the fall, I grab at the object that caused it. It looked like the big kitchen knife that Arjun used while he cooked. The golden stream of light from the window shone on the clean broad blade of the knife. The blade had caught me in a hypnotic trance and I could feel an uncontrollable emotion of rage building up inside me.

I take a look at my watch and it is almost 9. What I couldn’t understand was if it were day or night. It was bright and sunny outside and it was dark as coal tar inside saved by the little stream of light.

I lay squatted on the carpeted floor holding the knife in my hand. I do not fight this overwhelming emotion of rage building inside me threatening to lurch out and consume me whole like a demonic monster. I look at my watch again and the needles show 35 minutes past 9.

I hear the door crack open at a relaxed pace and I see Arjun walking in with his bride. They look happy, why shouldn’t they be?

Immediately as if retrieving a program, it became extremely clear on how I intended to use the tool I held in my hand. But burying the blade inside Arjun’s neck was going to be a huge challenge, not because he was a tall sturdy Rajput and I was a scrawny Southern Brahmin lad, but because I could only walk backwards. I had to think of some way to do it and fast, before he sees me.

Arjun turns back to close the door and I observed him carefully as he walked to the door.

The faint and distant ring that I had ignored now grew louder and louder and jolted me up from my deep slumber. It was my phone indeed flashing Dr. Hanlon’s office number. It was 30 minutes past 9.

“Mr. Rao, I am sorry to be disturbing you this way but Dr. Hanlon insisted I put her through to you. It is a matter of extreme importance, she asked me to tell you. Shall I put you through to her, Mr. Rao? I did try reaching many times before, are you alright?” chirped Dr. Hanlon’s desk secretary cum student intern, Justine.

“Well of course, I am sorry I must have dozed off”

“Mr. Rao, how are you? I mean how are you feeling? Is everything normal?” Dr. Hanlon spoke hastily. Very unlikely of her, I bemused.

“Yes Doctor. I am alright. I forgot you would be calling me this evening. I am sorry it had slipped my mind. Are my results alright? Am I going to be insane?”

“Listen very carefully Niketan, you must immediately leave your apartment and drive over to St. Baptists. I will see you there. I will explain everything to you when we meet. Call a cab if you can’t drive but leave now” asserted Dr. Hanlon.

Without doubting her I went ahead to pick the keys to my Prius when I heard a knock on the door.

It was 35 minutes past 9 and I could see the outline of the door filtering little golden streams of light.

“It’s Open” I scream still looking for the keys just when Arjun and his wife walk in.

“Surprise Bro!” Arjun shouted with joy as his wife giggled. He easily turned on the lights to the studio and turned back to shut the door behind.

My kaleidoscopic vision turns on and I see the keys to my Prius lying next to the kitchen knife I had bought from K-Mart today.

Samudra