Inspired by my recent rereading of Ambrose Bierce"s marvelous „The Devil"s Dictionary"
At play with words in the Fields of the Lord.
What follows is written with the complete misanthropic understanding that very few of the readers of this set will have the broadband frame of reference that will, perhaps, make certain portions of it comprehensible. In other words, illiterates will not benefit from it.
Semi-literates, on the other hand, may just have a great deal of fun. Hence, the title, The Dumbbell"s Dictionary.
Please do not infer from this opening that the person of average or above average intelligence cannot profit from what follows. That profit is but one of my many goals in my having crafting this admittedly very poor follow-on to Bierce"s magnificent work.
And just in passing, I readily admit to an animus, or should it be animadversion, against contemporary American liberalism, in all of its wondrous manifestations.
The English language has been, from to time, described by so-called „experts." such as Noam Chomsky, as being even more difficult to master than, for example, Chinese. I, as an admitted non-expert, beg to differ. We have an alphabet of only twenty-six letters, not thousands of pictographs or pictograms. The burden of proof, therefore, as regards complexity, rests on the experts, not on rank amateurs such as yours truly.
True enough, English has many, many rules of grammar, punctuation, and spelling; enough to cause the neophyte heartburn, especially as the language has so many instances of violating those rules. That said, one can wonder why English (American or British) has now become the Lingua Franca of the world. To be frank, letters are easier to deal with than are pictograms
Finally, lest I be accused of being an elitist, allow me to deal with that question from the outset, for I am indeed an elitist, having spent the great majority of my life surrounded by dumbbells.
The discerning reader will note, I suspect, that my series of definitions is not, perhaps, what could be called „neutral." As a matter of fact, most of them could more properly be called explications and perhaps commentaries with an agenda rather than definitions. The 2
criticism could be that herein are some areas/attributes/subjects that, when encountered, will leave the moral reader to think that something is amiss. (I could, I suppose, extend these definitions/ explications to present a follow-up to Emmett Tyrell"s „Liberal Crackup," but I remain completely unqualified to make the attempt.) And again, that said, some of my definitions are indeed whimsical, while others are not, far from not. As a matter of fact, some are downright philosophical, dealing with both history and reality, which does, of course exist, contrary to the teachings of all too many modern American liberal philosophers. There are even a few autobiographical discursions.
But please bear in mind that, as little as my erudition may be, it is there, along with the plays on words. Therefore, liberals and illiterates beware. I take no prisoners. I would, however, hold out welcoming arms to any of you who are like-minded. There is, I firmly believe, a benevolent universe inhabited by thinking beings. And please be aware that, by mentioning thinking beings, I mean to stress that there are those of us who are able to think logically and realistically, to think; which of course excludes most modern American liberals.
If these definitions come across as somewhat acerbic, I hereby confess to having imbibed some of the writings not only of Ambrose Bierce, but also those of H. L. Mencken, to say nothing of the wonderful world of Albert J. Nock. I could, I suppose, mention the works of such as William F. Buckley, Jr., and of course, Thomas Sowell. And, given the enormousness of the task I have set myself, they do in fact appear in due time. And believe me, they do appear.
Let me, however, be absolutely clear about one thing. And please bear with me on this.
Truth be told, as I said above, the entries that follow could, in most instances, be more properly classified as explications rather than definitions. Any errors, And I have not doubt that there are some are of course, mine. In any case, happy reading. I could, I suppose, revert to the Latin „Mea Culpa." But I will not. I am fairly proud of what I have put together here.
These definitions, explications, commentaries, have of course been influenced by far too many inadvertent contributors for me to be able to list them here. That said, I have, where appropriate and where I could, given attribution to especially significant sources. I perhaps should note that the majority of these definitions/discursions are topical, but that there is always room to delve into the historical, which I have had no hesitation in doing.
I consider the following, at least on one level, to be a many-layered essay on „Civilization (especially American) and Its Discontents." (Pace Freud.) I have thrown in just enough sillygisms from time to time to, I hope, lighten the load.
Finally, it should be recognized that I am no avatar of Garrison Keilor. Truth to tell, I did not think that much of his „Lake Woebegone Days." Please do not see this work as an attempt to follow in his footsteps.
Enough said. Let us proceed.
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Aardvark, n. Aunteater, but not an uncle eater.
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Abatoir, n. In the usual sense of the word, a slaughterhouse. Now, however, it is most appropriate to use the word in the description of the American economy, especially in the case of small businessmen, who in their earnings will bump up against the magic number of $250,000, decreed by Obama and his minions. If we lose them, what do we have left?
They are the job makers of around 80% of the new jobs in our economy. Obama is, as he so forthrightly put it, out to „radically transform America," meaning to completely change us, and to have everything be controlled from Washington. God help us!
All is not lost, however, to this teen-aged community organizer cum professor? of Constitutional Law? – not quite yet. He who supposedly edited the Harvard Law Review without contributing a single article, is going to serve a single term. Period. And by the way, one has to wonder just what kinds of courses and what kinds of grades he ended up with at Columbia University.
Abbot and Costello, n. Renowned holy men of mid twentieth century America.
Peter Abelard, n. Perhaps should not have gotten involved with Heloise to the extent that he did. Now why is that, you may ask. Well, he ended up castrated and she ended up in a convent. There is not much more to say.
Ablative, n. Who the world would know that it is one of the tenses of Latin nouns?
Aborigines, n. Considering their morals, just about what we currently have inhabiting the White House.
Abomination, n. Exactly what we currently have (early 2011) in America. And here"s the follow-on. Barack Obama and Eric Holder hold the same world views (zeitgeists). Thus, the Black Man has finally come up to bat. Problem is, neither of these neophytes could even hit a grounder, much, much less a home run. They only know, a la Jeremiah Wright, that the white race is doomed forever, by its viciousness. And further, guess what? These two prophets of doom are only half black. Whatever happened to the white half?
Above the Law, n. Position which pretty well describes the general attitude of the Obama administration. Not only above the law, but above the Constitution, which Obama claims is only a negative factor on our behavior and thus, not provide for enough entitlements.
Absence, n. Supposedly makes the heart grow fonder. Seems to me that it would depend on who you are absent from.
Absolutes, n. The person who has the combined temerity and idiocy to tell you that there are no absolutes has just uttered an absolute.
Abstemious, adj. Tending to keep oneself from the clutches of degenerate liberals.
Acerbic, n. The condition I find myself in every time I slip and give any thought to our current national administration.
Dean Acheson, n. Secretary of State in the last years of the Truman Administration.
Swore that he would never abandon Alger Hiss. Also, perjoratively known for his infamous statement that South Korea lies outside of our boundary of protection, and therefore was of no consequence, therefore, the Korean War. Beware those devils in pin-stripe pants, better known as denizens of Foggy Bottom.
A.C.O.R.N., n. Nut that doesn"t fall very far from the tree.
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Accountability, n. Precisely what every national government of America should have, and precisely what is wanting with the current administration.
Adam, n. If clothes do indeed make the man, what in the world could Eve have seen in him, the fig leaf being excused? In addition, not perhaps the sharpest knife in the drawer, for the apple he partook of was a crab apple. And to make matters worse, the first words he uttered to Eve went something like this: „Better stand back, for I don"t know just how big this thing is going to get."
Adamant, adj. Not, please, to be confused with the rock group of similar name. I wonder where, oh where, do these people come up with these names.
John Adams, n. Second President. Reminds us in no uncertain terms that a Constitution, as well as it may have been drawn is, unless grounded in the religion and morals of the people it purports to govern, no more than a memorable piece of parchment.
Samuel Adams, n. One of the earliest and most radical of our Founding Fathers, cousin of our second President, John Adams. He had this to tell us about government. We should pay him more heed than we have to date. Thus: „If ever a time should come, when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in Government, our country will stand in need of its experienced patriots to prevent its ruin."
Addadicktome, n. Sex-change operation that supposedly turns a woman into a man.
Adipose Tissue, n. Fantastic phrasing of a concept occurring in a novel by Myron Kauffman that I read in the mid „60s, in which, upon breaking up with his girlfriend, the protagonist, who was a jerk of the Hasty Pudding and Harvard Crimson cast, accused her of having „an excess of adipose tissue about both her cranial and gluteal extremities."
Need I say more?
Admonish, v. Directly from the Latin. From the Latin verb, moneo, monrere, monuni, and monitum. All these, in their various translations, mean in effect, „be warned."
Advise and Consent, v. (1) Authority given the U. S. Senate by the Constitution in the matters of approving treaties and Presidential appointments. (2) Title of a 1961 political novel by Allen Drury, dealing in gruesome detail with the underhanded ways in which Washington politicians treat each other. Senator Barry Goldwater, after having read it, was said to have told folks that if they knew what actually went on in Washington, it would make „Advise and Consent" seem like „Peter Rabbit" in comparison.
Affluence, n. State, not of being wealthy, but rather having all that you need.
Afghanistan, n. An Asian country, yes. What else? The right war? The wrong President?
The wrong time? It is the summer of 2011, and I suppose the situation on the ground there could be more mixed up, but my imagination is too limited to come up with a
„how."
Obama, with the support of popular polls, but in direct opposition to his military and intelligence advisors, is moving ahead with his drawdown of American forces in this beleaguered country, beginning this July. This is not so hard to understand, for although the drawdown in no way comports with America"s national security, it certainly does conform to Obama"s 2012 political campaign agenda. He foolishly continues to believe that concessions will inspire our radical Islamist foes to go home in peace. Wrong!
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Concessions are, and will ever be seen by them as a sign of weakness, or at the least, irresolution.
This action or lack thereof on the part of this administration has caused Secretary of Defense Robert Gates to resign. Said he of his
decision: „I"ve spent my entire adult
life with the United States as a superpower, and one that had no compunction about spending what it took to sustain that position…I can"t imagine being part of a nation, part of a government …that"s being forced to dramatically scale back our engagement with the rest of the world."
And as to American officers on the ground in Afghanistan, oneMarine put it this way:
“When I hear Obama say that „the American people want me to end this war, and I am responding with an exit plan," that"s the antithesis of leadership. President Bush, against the popular will, surged forces there, and that was the right policy and the required leadership.” The rhetoric regarding timelines and drawdowns is surely counterproductive, due to the fact that our Afghan and Pakistani allies have concluded that we are, or soon will be, abandoning them. I"ve got an idea: Why don"t we take another poll? Just to see which direction the wind"s blowing today.
The Age of Aquarius, n. As nearly as I can remember, it never materialized.
Agripinna, n. Murderer of her husband Claudius, mother of Nero, and perhaps the most powerful woman in all of Roman History. Perhaps the most evil woman in Western Civilization, until the advent of Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton.
Agronomy, n. Needed to sustain any civilized society, even while being disparaged by the hoi polloi.
Aircraft Carrier, n. The ship that eventually replaced the battleship on the conclusion, or close to it, of WWII. It"s planes could far outfly the shells of the battleship"s 16 inch guns, which happened to be a miracle in their own right.
Ajax, n. A large foaming cleanser that was of inestimable value to the Greek armies in their siege of Troy.
A la mode, n. Location where Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, and Colonel Travis were killed.
Alamo, n. Pie with ice cream of any flavor.
Alcoholics" Creed. „God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Here"s my take on the problem with that. Some things, irrespective of your courage and wisdom, should not be changed.
Alaska Pipeline, n. This venerable engineering marvel, 38 years old and 800 miles long will, if the eco-fascists get their wish, soon go the way of the Dodo bird. Why? Oil reserves from Prudhoe Bay and other north Alaska sites have dropped off recently. The resultant decrease in flow through the pipeline has resulted in clogs and corrosion. The only way to fix the problem is to increase the oil flow, especially by drilling in ANWR.
The problem is that Obama and the radical tree-huggers won"t have any of that.
In the worst case, if the pipeline is shut down, by law it must be taken apart, thus killing permanently any hopes of renewed Alaskan drilling. This of course dovetails perfectly 6
with Obama"s stated policy of independence from foreign oil. Sad to say, however, he most definitely doesn"t want to replace foreign oil with domestic oil, but seeks to cover the country with solar and wind farms. I suspect he realizes, but doesn"t care that these
„earth-friendly" energy sources can do nothing to provide base load needs for industries and homeowners.
Ale, n. Maybe I should run out and buy a six-pack. After I drink it, perhaps I will be able to figure out just what"s aleing me.
Alea jacta est, v. The words Julius Caesar uttered when he and his army crossed the Rubicon, separating Italy from Cisalpine Gaul, in his 48 B.C. march on Rome, where he in short order became dictator for life. Unfortunately for him, that dictatorship lasted only four years, due to his assassination in the Forum in March of 44 B.C. The morning he was killed by Brutus and others, he had been warned by a haruspex to „Beware the Ides of March." He told her that that day was the Ides, and he was ok. She replied that the day was not yet over. It would seem that she had a crystal ball of some sort.
Alexander the Grape, n. Round and purple and conquered the world.
Algorithm, n. What the world discovered when Clinton"s Vice-President decided to dance the Macarana.
Alice in Wonderland, n. Perhaps, looking through the mirror, she could mirror events in the modern world. Lewis Carroll had it right, in regard to Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. There is a real world out there. Sad to say, she doesn"t seem able to recognize it.
Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, n. I can"t help wondering whether he would have needed only thirty-nine, had he included his kinsman Barack Obama.
Allahu Akbar! n. Arabic for „God Is Great!" What an American Army major (and
psychiatrist) of the Islamist persuasion yelled as he proceeded to kill a lot of innocents in Fort Hood, Texas, not so long ago. Why has there been no mention of his outburst by Eric Holder and his minions? How about applying the law? Just how deeply has Islam sunk its claws into the current administration? You will not hear any top level officials of Obama"s group even mention the term any Muslim connection. All"s Well That Ends Well, v. Are we so sure about that?
Alpha Male, n. A sub-mortal species that seems to occur in Western societies more often than not, especially in males holding political power. Could be compared to the 500
pound silver back male gorilla of the Congo. Compare the concept, then, with Bill Clinton and his many sexual transgressions, thus: He took it because he could. And yet, much to the embarrassment of civilized people both here and abroad, he is considered to be an elder statesman, making millions of dollars per year in his many self-aggrandizing speeches, to say nothing of his non-self revelatory memoirs. He is a shame upon America. Problem is, there are too many out there infatuated with the idea of celebrity, that they, even if aware of them, overlook his transgressions.
Altruism, n. Doctrine that says in effect that you are a creature of greater moral standing if you give your bread to another as opposed to eating it yourself. Well, what about the moral standing of he who eats the bread you give him? It seems to me that the ultimate logical consequence of this concept is to force your self-immolation, and require you to build the furnace you will cook in.
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Further, the moment you decide to live your life entirely for the sake of another, at that moment do you become a fool, an empty husk to be filled by and tasked with all the wants and needs of any one, anywhere, any time, provided only that the beneficiary of these wants and needs is not you. .
Amarillo, n. Funny looking animal found mainly in Texas.
Amazon, n. Female warrior of Greek mythology who, after having cut off her left breast (radical mastectomy?) was able to bring her bow to a better position, much to the detriment of her male foes.
Ambidextrous, adj. Able to lie from both sides of the mouth at the same time.
Ambiguity, n. This, from one of my earlier writings. “The most pernicious fraud ever perpetrated against the culture of the mind in America is the dictum that the hallmark of intellectual maturity consists in the ability to tolerate ambiguity.”
America, n. What follows in this entry is from an essay I wrote half a dozen years go. It will give a pretty good of how I feel about my country.
Before America was America, she had men to match her mountains. It has ever been the men, and not the mountains, that have made America good in order that she may be great.
Both John Winthrop and Ronald Reagan spoke of a „shining city on a hill." Abraham Lincoln called America „…the last best hope of the world. He also, in his first inaugural address, reaffirmed his faith that right makes right, and that we Americans would always be able to summon „…the better angels of our nature." Such sentiments will forever transcend mere material wealth.
America is a cultural and social synergy, the whole being much greater than the sum of its parts. Granted, America is a place. But, much more than a place, America is an idea: an idea new in human history. This country is, in Ben Wattenberg"s stirring title: „The First Universal Nation." Our history as a country is the history of a unique experiment in the human spirit. America was founded on the basis of a belief in community, a community based on and buttressed by an underlying understanding of the inherent dignity and worth of the individual. We are the first country whose documents of incorporation recognize the unalterable fact that rights inhere in the individual, that those rights are recognized by, and never granted by government, that our government exists to serve its citizens, not the other way around.
America is a land of many political persuasions, and of more than a few differing religious beliefs: the point being that, as individuals in charge of our own destinies, we are possessed of the unalienable right to pursue these various politics and religions. We have no need for an English King, a French Emperor, a German Kaiser, or a Russian Czar, for we Americans are citizens, not subjects. Americans have no use for titles of nobility, with this one, enduring exception: the nobility of achievement. We and our ancestors arrived here from every area of the globe. Once here, we and they became Americans: not hyphenated Americans, as Theodore Roosevelt so trenchantly put it, but simply Americans.
None of this is to say that there are not blots, warts if you will, on the American character. Residual racism raises its head all too frequently. Women, on the verge of achieving complete economic and social equality with men, still have a ways to go. That 8
said, however, the American corporate glass ceiling has developed more than a few cracks.
Crass commercialism and consumerism seem to some observers, both foreign and
domestic, to be all that there is to American culture. And yes, the depravity envelope continues to be pushed in our popular entertainment. American tourists abroad, all too often wearing baggy shorts, Hawaiian shirts, and straw hats while bragging about this and that at the top of their lungs, epitomize for some the continuing „Ugly American." There are those who would maintain that the majesty of Mount Rushmore is more than
counterbalanced by the tragedy of Wounded Knee. Be it known, however, that each and every one of the above types of criticism can be applied not only to America and Americans, but as well to each and every Western industrial democracy.
We would do well to remember the sentiments enshrined by Emma Lazarus at the base of Lady Liberty. The worlds „huddled masses, yearning to breathe free," would not continue coming to America in wave after wave, year after year, if our country"s land and natural resources were the only things they were interested in. The typical stranger migrating to our shores yearns to better himself not only materially, but spiritually. It bears repeating that this is the only country in which an itinerant rail-splitting country lawyer could become President.
America the Beautiful, n. Or should it be America the Decrepit? Why not deport Jeremiah Wright into a country he could be more comfortable with? Or is his „God Damn America" a sort of fifth column, with the ultimate goal of destroying these United States of America? His so-called Black Liberation Theology has no place in a free republic, and Barack Hussein Obama should know that. Or, maybe he does, with his promise to transform the United States of America. Into what?
Well, thus far he has saddled us with debt which even the seventh generation will never be able to repay. He has also managed to turn more than half of us into wards of the state, inasmuch as less than fifty per cent of us pay any federal taxes, with the majority getting rebates on money they never paid. Political correctness is rampant, with the ensuing dumbing down of our schools and colleges, and the continuing weakening of our military, coupled with the refusal by the administration to recognize the continuing threat the Jihadists pose. Welcome to the nanny state. How much longer America can remain beautiful under these conditions is problematic.
The American Character, n. Title of a fifties pro-America book by noted British historian D. W. Brogan. This book is a must-read if one is to understand how America was viewed half a century ago from across the pond. Here"s my take on the American character as it once was, before it became corrupted with the advent of the nanny state, and all that the nanny state represents.
One of the key elements in the collective character of the American people is a certain stoicism, as exemplified by Rome of the Republic, versus the rapacity of Rome the Empire, for America is, in Pat Buchanan"s words, „A Republic, Not an Empire." Another is subsidiarity, as stressed in Catholic social doctrine: let that social or governmental unit closest to those who will be affected do the job. Another is the ever present inclination to root for the underdog, no matter the nature of the encounter. And yet another is 9
generosity, whether that generosity be manifested in sending disaster relief to earthquake victims in Iran, or re-building war-torn Europe with the Marshall Plan.
As witness America"s involvement in World War II, we as a country to anger, but will not be deterred in our quest to right a wrong, to see justice prevail. Indeed, our judicial system (when it is functioning within the bounds of the Constitution) recognizes that there is no such thing as social justice: there is only justice for the individual, who remains innocent until found guilty by a jury of his peers.
It is worth pondering why, in view of the existence of countries with greater land areas, greater populations, or greater natural resources, no country in the history of the world has achieved what America has achieved, in so many areas. We have not been afraid to plumb the ocean depths, as well as to reach for the stars, for as Ronald Reagan reminds us: America is too great for small dreams." And in matters of the spirit, we American"s have taken to heart Robert Browning"s immortal „Ah, but a man"s reach should exceed his grasp, else what"s a Heaven for?"
The American character is manifest in the westward trek of the pioneers from St. Louis to the Oregon Country. It is manifest in the barn-raisings of the nineteenth century. It is manifest in the urge to help thy neighbor, not to beggar him. We are a new nation with an old government, a harmonious mix for the enduring development of a national character.
The American character is simultaneously continuous and ever changing. It is continuous in that we recognize, with Edmund Burke, that we have obligations to our ancestors, as well as to those yet to be born. And again with Burke, in that we would rather see our
„little platoons" do for themselves, rather than have others, especially the state, do for them. But our national character is also ever changing, in our recognition of the continuing transformation of tradition within our culture.
Recalling the glory that was Greece and the Grandeur that was Rome, it is not now and never will be enough for any American to recognize and glory only in America"s greatness. What we should be proudest of, and ever willing to reaffirm and display to the world is America"s goodness.
American Exceptionalism, n. See Seymour Martin Lipset. The belief that America is indeed exceptional, and just perhaps the last, best hope of the world, as described by both Lincoln and Reagan. Problem is, liberals equate that exceptionalism with racism, poverty, abuse, and unfair advantages bestowed by capitalism upon the few at the expense of the many. This is especially true of Barak Obama who, when recently asked whether he believed in American Exceptionalism replied that he believes in it the same way Britons believe in it of themselves, or Greeks believe in it of themselves.
American Presidency, n. Please, let us not be confused. The Constitution did not inaugurate a King, but rather a Chief Executive who was tasked with enforcing the laws.
How, oh how far have we strayed? Seems to me that, under the current administration, we have a King. Washington refused the crown, considering such a title not in the constitution of republicanism. Why then, has Obama embraced it? I heartily recommend the book „Reassessing the Presidency" to all and sundry.
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Ambrosia, n. In Greek mythology, the food of the Gods. Probably comparable to the dinners served on Air Force One, and perhaps on Air Force Two, when Michelle Obama and cohorts decide to spend a couple of expensive weeks on vacation in Spain.
Amnesia, n. Disease the affected the Clintons whenever they were questioned about Bill"s sexual conquests, or Hillary"s round about legal left turns and u turns in the Rose Law Firm, whenever the subject of Whitewater came up. (Remember: She said that the proceeds were to facilitate Chelsea"s college education.)
Amniocentesis, n. If you"ve already decided to abort, why bother? It occurs to me to wonder just how many expectant mothers in a waiting room would, feeling a kick, say that their fetus, rather than their baby, moved.
Amoeba, n. The amoeba reproduces asexually by fission (the psuedopodia), and in a sense never dies. Humans reproduce sexually, experience both birth and death. It therefore seems to be a matter of fact that sex will kill you.
An affair of the heart, n. Myocardial Infarction.
Anathema, n. Let me be perfectly frank about this. If a liberal/progressive professes to advance human life, he or she is a liar. If the N