My true love Kelly and I are sitting in a Hanuman temple (The warrior monkey god and Rama's sidekick.) in a small village in northern India with about a dozen of the local Indian males, drinking chai and smoking chillums of ganja and tobacco. We’re all watching a Hatha Yogi run through the positions, and man is he good! He’s the best I've ever seen. He does all the Ashanas from the simplest like the cobra, to the toughest like the rooster. This Sadhu’s a real human pretzel. He's so good that even the Indians are impressed applauding him after he does a really hard one. Kelly and I have been hanging out in this village for a couple weeks now so we're real well known. We've met a lot of the villagers and the whole time we've been here they've been telling us that we have to see this guy in action because not only is he a Hatha Yogi, but he’s also a Nega Baba. Nega Baba's are the most famous Baba sect in all of India because instead of wearing any clothes they simply cover their naked bodies in ash, have long uncombed dreadlocked hair, daily smoke as much ganja and charras as they possibly can. Plus, they make lots of trouble wherever they go especially when they're in big groups. Like when they have their Nega Baba parade in Barnares where once a year over 20,000 of them show up to party for three days and three nights, laying around naked and stoned and all right on the city streets.
Mr. Singh, a friend of ours, told us of a time when ganja was legal a few years back and a Nega Baba came through the village carrying a kilo of ganja with him. He packed his chillum and started smoking it right in the center of town.
The police came up to the Baba and said to him, “Sorry Babaji, but the law says that you can only have as much ganja on you as you can smoke in one day. So we're going to have to arrest you."
The Baba looked up at the cops and told them, "This is my days supply."
He then proceeded to smoke the entire kilo by dark. The cops asked for the Baba’s blessing and let him be.
The other things Nega Baba’s are famous for is Lingum Yoga, and now the Baba we're with is going to show us his. First, he shows us a slender bamboo stick about five feet long. He whips off his lunghi (loincloth), rolls his flaccid penis onto that stick, twists the stick, puts it between his legs tucking it up underneath his butt cheeks behind his back. He then invites everyone there, one at a time, to stand on the stick and he will hold a person up with just his dick. After everyone who wants to stands on the stick is finished, he untucks, untwists and unrolls his cock then again shows us the stick.
He asks me if I’d like to try it.
I ask if it hurts.
He tells me, "No, not at all." But I don't believe it.
"Go ahead, try it." he taunts.
Our friend Mr. Singh says to me, "Watch out! That's Indian family planning."
Meaning that it makes you sterile so you can’t have any family and everybody laughs.
I point to Kelly saying, "She’s all the lingum yoga I can handle."
Everyone laughs again thinking this is quite funny because she’s here with us and no Indian women are ever allowed to see any of this.
I asked the Yogi what it’s good for since it doesn't involve any stretching of the muscles, the bones or the ligaments.
He tells me, " I'm a Nega Baba and my Guru taught it to me. It's part of being a Nega Baba. All Nega Baba’s do lingum yoga so we won’t get an erection and ejaculate. That way we keep all of our precious fluid inside of us until we become so potent that we sweat semen. Also, any time the police give me any trouble, I just show them my lingum yoga and then they always let me go in peace."
I wonder what would happen if I did learn it and showed it to an American cop the next time that one hassled me. I just wonder.