Paul has been our friend for over 15 years and is the most honest person that I know. I could give Paul $1000, come back a year later and he would still have $950 to give me back with the other $50 coming shortly. This may not sound like a big deal to you, but Paul is very poor. He lives mostly off food stamps and collecting cans. He may have a broken down barely running junker of a car and he usually lives in a tent. Almost all the clothes he owns are ones that people gave him. His only real possession is his .22 rifle, for Paul is a hunter. In the desert he shoots and eats rabbits.
However, in the spring he will take his rifle, 500 rounds of ammo, some food plus, a bag of his best pot seeds. Then he’ll go up onto the mountain to grow dope and to live off the food he has with him, which he liberally supplements with any game that comes into his sights. He’s the only person I’ve ever known to has eaten an owl and a bobcat. We won't see him until fall when he reappears with some of the finest weed I have ever smoked. Unlike most dope growers, who are rip offs because they keep the best for themselves or to impress their friends with then sell the rest at outrageous prices with the excuse of "Well it is illegal", Paul grows simply because he loves to smoke. He will only sell enough, at a fair price, to support himself in his very modest lifestyle then smoke up all the rest, sharing with anyone who's around.
Paul is the biggest pothead I have ever met. He smokes from the time he gets up in the morning until he falls asleep at night and he is always smoking something, if not pot then it's tobacco. He is famous for his deep hacking cough. Hear someone coughing their lungs out, that's Paul right before he takes another hit. Before Paul started growing he was really poor because given the choice of buying pot and buying anything else, well, there was no contest, but he and our friend George had a deal. If Paul supplied the weed then George would supply breakfast and dinner. A good deal for both since George hated spending money on anything other than beer and food but loved smoke grass. The only trouble between them was the amount of food that Paul can eat, he's a big guy 6 foot, 220 pounds. When George had a dinner, everyone else brought a plate or a bowl but Paul would bring his fruit bowl, which he'd fill to the brim, eat then come back for seconds. Paul was known by all his friends as ‘The Eager Eater.’ There were never any leftovers when Paul was around.
Once Kelly and I had rented a small apartment. Whenever she baked anything, cookies, a cake, a pie, brownies, it didn't matter what or even what time, morning or evening, just as it was coming out of the oven, Paul would pull into our driveway in his current death trap for a visit. It got to be a joke, if we wanted to see him for something, Kelly would just have to do some baking. How he could smell her cooking from 6 miles away is still a mystery
Paul is by far the luckiest person I’ve ever met when it comes to getting caught by the cops with pot. This is largely due to his being extremely poor because as soon as the cops find out that he, as he tells them, lives off dumpster diving and aluminum cans, they don’t want anything to do with him. After all, they would lose money by putting him in jail because he can’t pay any fines and since it always involves real small quantities it ain’t worth their time and effort. Paul’s been caught with roaches in the ashtray of his car, with a loaded pipe on his dashboard and he’s even been caught with a quarter ounce in his glovebox. However, they have always let him go after a stern lecture about the evils of marijuana. Sometimes they don’t even bother confiscating the grass. Then they tell him to get out of their sight and don’t ever let them see him in the area again or he will be going straight to the pokey.
His funniest adventure with getting caught went like this: He and his friend Andy drove to town to do some shopping and have dinner. Of course, after dinner as they were driving home they smoked a fatty to help with the digestion. Since it was December and real cold outside they had all the windows rolled up. What they forgot about was there was a Border Patrol stop on the highway a few miles out of town checking for those insidious American job stealers, the Mexicans.
When Paul pulled up to the stop he rolled down the window to talk with the officers. When the agent leaned down to check Paul out he took one whiff and that was all it took. He told Paul to pull it over because he was under arrest for possession and transportation of the deadly weed. Paul pulled over and got out of his car. Paul then got all indignant with the officer telling him that all he and his friend did was smoke an after dinner joint. And there certainly wasn’t anything wrong with that, was there?
The cop couldn’t believe his ears. He told Paul that marijuana was illegal so it was totally wrong for him to be smoking it.
Paul just said, “So what? As far as I know pot ain’t never harmed a soul so the law’s both wrong and stupid.”
According to Andy who told me the story, Paul and the cop argued like this for awhile until the agent got tired of it and told Paul to shut up. Then while one officer guarded Paul and Andy, two other agents tore apart Paul’s vehicle looking for more contraband. But of course, Paul is lucky, the hooter they had smoked was the only one Paul had brought with him. The cops then searched Paul and Andy finding nothing incriminating. Since they couldn’t bust him simply for smelling like dope they, after a stern lecture, had to let him go.
When I asked Paul about the story, he just shrugged and said, “It was no big deal. They let me go and I certainly ain’t gonna stop smoking pot when I want to.”
Like I said, Lucky.
Paul is also one of the most moralistic guys I've ever met. He is flatly against sex with "children" which is Paul's definition of any one, boy or girl under the age of 18, and he's against sex with the retarded. If anyone he knows has sex with somebody under 18, even if they were 17, he'll get so indignant that he will not speak to that person for a week. I've asked him if he doesn't think that people under 18 should have sex and he'll say, "Not with adults and they shouldn't even with each other."
Anyone having sex with a retard is just as bad. There's a mildly retarded girl in the desert in her 20's who just loves having sex. Even though she has boyfriends who are always fighting over her and who all hate each other, they just can't keep her satisfied so she'll have sex with anyone who wants to. When Paul finds out that someone had screwed her, he'll go on a rant about the filthy pervert.
I've asked about should the retarded be able to have sex.
He'll say, "Yes, but only with each other or only with a normal person they're married to."
It's not that he's against sex, he has had a few girlfriends, it's just casual sex. He's about the only non gay, non crazy guy I know that will not fuck all the sexually liberate women that will have sex with anyone who wants to. He's even kicked some of them out of his camp if they come onto him and won't take no for an answer because to Paul sex is a scared thing and he doesn't partake of it lightly.
Paul’s only vice is cards. He loves playing and winning but he hates losing even though there’s never any money involved. If he was losing, he would never cheat but he has been known to bend the rules.
Like once when a bunch of us were playing Hearts he accidentally threw down the wrong card. I snatched it up and crowed, "Ha! That's ten points for me!"
He said, "Wait a minute. I didn't mean to throw that card away so give it back and I'll lay down another one."
I laughed and said, "No way."
He says to me "Look, it was an honest mistake, so let's be fair. Just give me the card back and we can go on."
I tell him tough shit, he's not getting it back.
Everyone agrees with me that it was his mistake so he has to pay.
Paul gets really mad, stands up and shouts, "If that's the way you're going to be then I just won't play!” then throws the cards in my face continuing, "Not only that, but I will never play cards with any of you again!"
We all laughed like hell at him as he's glaring at us. Then watch as he stomps out, slamming the door. Of course, we were all playing cards again together by the end of the week. Paul is slow to anger and quick to forget, a good combination, but if he does really get mad then watch out.
He had decked quite a few people since I've known him. He doesn’t do it without provocation and he always warning the offending party before hand. He will tell them more that once quite clearly to get out of his face or they are going to get hurt, but some folks just don't listen or don' believe him so they end up on their backs looking at the sky wondering what the hell just happened.
Only one person ever hit him more than once before being decked and that was the Buffalo Dyke, a woman about 40 called that because she was big and she always wore a fringed leather jacket, whether she was a lesbian or not no one knew. She showed up at the springs broke and mean, not only did she mooch food off people but she bitched at them too, "Don't smoke around me, I don't want cancer!" "Don't drink around me, I don't like drunks!" "Don't even think of trying to touch me or you'll really be sorry!" In a very short time no one liked her.
One day Paul got into an argument with her about him smoking a cigarette in the hot pools. She told him to stop. He told her to fuck off. The argument got heated and they stood up yelling at each other. The Buffalo Dyke slapped Paul in the face. He slapped her back. She was stunned, she couldn't believe he had hit her back so she screamed at him, "You coward! You hit me and I'm a girl!" and slaps him again.
So he slap her back again.
She’s outraged! She bends down, grabs a shovel that's lying there and raises it over her head.
Paul hit her square in the jaw with an upper cut, his favorite punch, and laid her out cold.
A minute later she comes around, looks up, then starts screaming, "How could you! I'm a girl!"
Paul says, "I ain't letting anyone hit me with a shovel, and if you get up then I am going to knock you right back down again."
She screams "I'm going for my gun and I am going to kill you! You Bastard!"
She gets up and sprints for her car.
Paul runs for his gun.
George who has watched all of this goes for his 30-30. When all three of them are armed and back to the pools, George yells out, "If you two don't cut the Shit! And I mean Now! Then I am going to shoot that both of You!" then points his rifle right at them. The Buffalo Dyke stops and looks, two armed males against her and every one knows that you do not fuck with George because you will get hurt.
She cries out one last time "But he hit me and I'm a Girl!"
George looks at her like she's stupid and says, "Did you really think that he would just stand there and let you bean him with that shovel?"
She yells at them, "Well, I am going for the sheriff!" She runs over to her car jumps in and goes roaring down the road. George tells Paul that they should put away their guns because the cops will be there shortly.
The cops and the Buffalo Dyke pull in.
The cops ask George what happened and he gives them the skinny. They ask Paul if that's what happened and Paul tells them, pretty much. The cops ask the Buffalo if she slapped Paul first, she says, "Yes, but he wouldn't put out his cigarette."
They ask if she threatened him with the shovel, "Yes" she answers "But only because he slapped me."
Did she tell him that she was going to shoot him, she says, "Well sure, because he punched me so hard that it knocked me out."
The cops ask Paul if he wants to press charge against her for assault with a deadly weapon.
Paul says that if she leaves and never comes back that will satisfy him.
The cops ask her if she will leave.
The Buffalo Dyke is aghast and says, "But, I'm a girl!'
The cops say they don't care if she is The Holy Mary Mother of God, that you cannot hit people and threaten their lives and not get hurt. She’s lucky Paul don't have her ass thrown in jail. Will she leave or not is all they want to know. She mumbles something about all males being pigs who always stick it to poor defenseless women but says she will pack up and go and not come back. Which she does.
As a sidebar, the same thing happened with Dana the Dyke. She threatened Jeff while they were arguing again about smoking in the pools. She then attacked him, hitting him real good. He told her quit or he would hit her back but she was too mad to listen so after he had had enough, he beat the shit out of her. She went for the cops and Jeff got arrested because they said he beat her more than he had to to stop her. So they took him to jail but told her that she had caused enough trouble out in the desert and it was time for her to leave for good. Dana was mean but not stupid so she packed up and was never seen again. Jeff got out of jail a few weeks later and received a hero's welcome.
It's always amazed me how some people, bully's really, think they can use physical violence on somebody else then cry like babies when it’s them who ends up getting hurt. I've seen it a lot from men, women and large children and I think they are nothing but cowards. Anyone, except small children, who hits another person should be hit back and hard so they too can experience the pain and humiliation of being hit and know what it feels like. Anyway...
Paul has a girlfriend Lea. She's in her mid 30's, blond, nice figure and works in Real Estate in LA, is straight, dresses very neatly and drives a hot little red 300Z. They met at the springs and even though they have nothing in common, fell in Love. Paul, being a bachelor isn't the tidiest person and owns nothing while she is immaculate and loaded, but then love is strange. She has been visiting Paul at his camp every weekend for the last month. They hold hands, go for long drives in the desert, kiss, hug and look longingly into each other's eyes. We are amazed. She's even asked Paul to move in with her at her place. Paul says that he will think about it. He loves her but he also loves the free life and anyway, what would he do all day in LA when she was at work.
One day just as we're pulling into George's camp, we see the red Z go roaring out. We hop out and George says "Man, you guys really missed a good one."
There's a half dozen folks sitting around and Ron, a speed freak who's married to a Jesus freak, says, "I guess you saw Paul and Paulette (What we call Lea) go tearing out of here? Well according to Paul, they ain't never coming back here again because we insulted them so bad."
We ask George for the story, which he is happy to give, "Paulette showed up here last night (Paul always camps next to George) and we had supper together then they went to bed. This morning Paul says that they will be going for a ride later so watch his camp. A couple hours later I notice that the little red car is gone and figure they've left. Ron and the crew come over about an hour ago with a bottle of schnapps and we sit around tasting it and discussing the Paul and Paulette situation."
Ron breaks in "The consensus was; what the hell did she see in him and that she must be insane to want to have him move in with her in LA. Can you imagine The Eager Eater near a grocery store. Man, there'd wouldn't be no food safe from that Hungry Hogan. He'd eat her right out of house and home."
George says "That's right, plus he smokes like a fiend and she don't. We were all sure she wouldn't support that habit, and just forget about the pot he smokes. Anyway, we all talked this way for a hour or so, then Ron says to cool it because here they come."
"As the red car pulls in we see only Paul in it. We ask him where his Honey is?"
"He says, "Lea wasn't feeling well so she took nap and I went for a drive myself." Ron says, "So I say “You mean she's been in your tent the whole time?"
"And Paul says, "If you ain't seen her, then I guess so." and goes into his tent. We just sit here and wait to see what happens."
George laughs and continues, "Well, it don't take long. We hear them talking and pretty soon here comes Paul bust bursting out of the tent, his blue eyes flashing, there’s smoke pouring out of his ears and he’s breathing fire. He's so mad he can barely talk, just kind of snorts, "How Could You! I Thought You Were My Friends! How Could You Talk Like That Behind My Back! I Would Never Think You Could Do Something Like That! And What About Lea! How Do You Think She Liked Hearing You Talk Like That About Her!" So I break in on his ranting and raving and say, "Shit Paul, if she didn't like hearing it, then why the hell did she listen to us?"
"Anyway, you know we all talk about each other and don't says you don't." (Which is true. We don't have TV and all the radio stations out here are either C&W or eazy listening. Our entertainment is drinking, doping, running wild through the desert on our dirt bikes, laying around the hot pools naked in the sun and discussing each other's foibles, bad habits and any good or misfortune that we've recently experienced. I myself have heard myself described as, "a belligerent asshole who likes to stir up the shit just for the hell of it." and, "an arrogant son of a bitch who thinks the rest of us are just a bunch of fucking dummies." among other things. However, they always end with, "but Kelly's nice." George told me once when he was mad at me, "Tai, if it wasn't for Kelly, nobody would want you around." Which is probably true, but I say, what the fuck, nobodies perfect.) Back to George, "Paul says that even if he does talk about someone he never says anything bad. We all laugh out loud at him for that one which only makes him madder. He says then that if that’s the way we really feel then he is taking Lea up on her offer and moving in with her in LA. We tell him that we bet they won't last a week but hey, Good Luck! He calls Paulette out of the tent and tells her to wait in the car while he packs up his stuff. It don't take him long before he's ready to go. He jumps in the car with her, then as they're leaving, he shouts out the window, "You'll never see me again!" and tears down the road."
We all sit around discussing what has happened, smoking a joint or three.
George says, "He'll be back in a month. That's about how long it will take before Paulette gets tired of his smoking, eating and laying around. He'll be back with his bowl in his hand looking for some chow.”
We all pretty much agree.
When Kelly and me get back to our place there's the red Z sitting in our driveway.
Paul gets out and says, "I've just come to get my stash. I am leaving the desert for good with Lea. You wouldn't believe what just happened."
I tell him that we've just come from George's camp and know the whole sordid tale.
Paul asks me, "Can you believe the things they said about me and Lea behind our backs?"
I say, “Paul, why didn't Lea just tell them to shut the fuck up?"
Paul looks at me then says, "You mean you're taking their side!"
I say, "I'm not on any ones side, I am just saying, why did she sit there for a hour and listen to that crap."
Paul says, "I can't believe you're on their side. I thought we was friends?"
I say, "Paul we are friends but..."
But Paul interrupts me, he's on a roll, "Because if that's the way you feel then I'll just collect my stuff and get the hell out of your life! I don't need any of this bullshit! And what do you think, Kelly?" he asks her.
Kelly just shrugs and Paul knows what she thinks. His last friend, a traitor!
Paul gets his stuff and is so mad that he doesn't even tell us good bye, just gets in the car and is gone.
Two months later Ron drives up and guess who he has with him. We ask Paul what happened with him and Lea, he tells us "We got tired of each other so I moved out. You know, it just didn't work out." We all harassed him a little but being good natured Paul just laughed it off. Paul, Kelly and I are still good friends to this day.