PUSSY FOR POT
The longest continuous working weed dealer my love Kelly & I know is Dealer Dan who lives in the desert and has been there dealing pot out of his home for the last 15 years. It's not that he couldn't move up the ganja ladder if he wanted to, he's just happy and satisfied dealing grass to his friends, of which since he's been there so long, he has many. Plus, he's not greedy or dishonest. His weight is always right on which he sell for the usual dope dealer markup. Back in the olden days when Zig-Zags were cheap he would buy them by the case at Costco and put a pack in each ounce he sold. Also, if you don't have the bucks right now he'll front you a quarter o.z. Plus he'll always smoke a joint with anyone who drops by even if they're not there to buy but just to visit and then even if they do own him for the last fronted baggie.
About his only quirk is, though he has many friends and always has someone over at his place, he is basically a loner. In all the time we've known him he's never had a girl (or boy) friend. Not even an overnight spend the night with him short time long time fuck buddy. He's simply happy with himself. Something people who are addicted to the pussy or the dick (like everyone else) can't really understand.
When ever we live out here we'll drop by on a regular basis to kick back relax, smoke a “J” or 3 and catch up on the latest gossip. Some of which usually includes a story about how some chick we all know didn't have any scooties, had already been fronted her ounce but had what she thought was something better to trade for an o.z. of grass.
Most the tales are the usual pussy for pot deals that every single male dealer in the whole world has heard many times, “Hey , how about I trade you the ride of your life for a lid? We can go to your bedroom right now and you can do anything you like with me. I'm told I'm real good in the sack.” or something alone those lines.
For most horny single male dealers if the herb isn't too expensive and the babe is cute enough, it is a good deal. In fact, most dudes who deal pot, and especially coke, do it not only so they can smoke or snort for free but also, for the liberal amount snatch chicks will provide in exchange for a little high.
But not Dan. No matter how much a girl will beg, whine and cajole, or how cute and scrumptious she is Dan always refuses saying he only sells herb for dinero, no checks, no credit cards, no trades, just cold hard cash. But hey, he'll still smoke a fattie with her before sending her on her way empty handed.
Over the years Kelly & I have heard this same old story many time. Below are a couple of the more unusual and entertaining ones.
Crazy Katie, a cute blond vivacious 20 something year old who's married but whose husband works all day leaving her alone to entertain herself and who's been known to get a little on the side every now and then dropped by Dan's one day. As he tells it, it goes something like this;
“So Crazy Katie stopped here yesterday and tells me she has something new to show me and would I like to see it. I tell her sure, why not? Thinking it'll be nothing I ain't seen before. But man, was I wrong. She hops off the couch sashays over to my chair, puts one leg up on the arm, lifts up her skirt, she ain't wearin' no panties either, and says, “I just got my clit pierced! Wanna see?”
“Before I can answer she spreads her pussy lips with her fingers then says, “Can you see it?”
“Well, her slit is about 4 inches from my nose so there no way I can not see it. And there it is, a little gold bar with a ball on each end stuck right through her clit. I tell her yeah, I can see it just fine.”
“Then she start playing with it with one of her fingers saying, “So what do ya think, do ya like it?”
“I don't know what to say to that, so I just tell her it looks okay to me.”
“Then she asks me if I ever had sex with a girl with a pierced pussy before and I tell her nope, never have.”
“Then while still fingering it she says, “So Dan, how'd you like to take it for a test drive?”
“Now I look up at her and ask her what she means by that?
“She says, “Well, I don't have any money right now and I'm out of weed. So I thought that since you ain't never had sex with a pierced pussy before you might like to try one out and after turn me on to a little pot to take home for later”
“Still looking at her I say. “You still owe me for the last quarter I fronted you last week, don't ya?”
“She admits she does. So I tell her that she knows I don't trade herb for anything. I only sell it.”
“She asks if I can make this one exception?”
“I tell her that if I did then everyone would want to trade something I don't need for weed. And then instead of dealing for a living I have to find a job and go to work, and that just ain't happining.”
“Well, she lets go her snatch, drops her skirt and says, “Well, I just thought I ask.. No harm it that right Dan?”
“I laugh and tell her yeah, no harm askin'.”
“She goes back to the sofa and I fire one up to smoke before sending her on her way.”
“But can you believe that shit. A girl would have to be nuts to do something like that!”
Kelly says,” Well Dan, her name is Crazy Katie and for good reason too.”
Dan agrees then asks, “Have you guys ever seen anything like that before?”
I tell him a few years before he moved out here when the hot pools were really happening there was a couple who came out on a regular basis and the both of them had all kinds of genital piercings. The woman had her clit pierced her outer and inner pussy lips as well. The guy had a couple of ball piercings plus the head of his cock had one of them bars through it. They both had their nipples pierced. Not only did they love to show them off but talked about how great their sex life was because of the piercings.
Dan just shakes his head saying, “Man, you can just never tell about some folks, can ya?” And what can we say to that.
Another time he tells us this tale: There's a swinger couple, Gretchen and Skinny Bob, who've been in town for years. Now this is a small town and they are the only couple that acknowledge that they swing. But according to them there's a whole lot of in-the-closet swingers around the area who are too worried about their reputation to come out but who like to party discreetly after dark. Now since Kelly & I know the same is true with Indian Johnny, one of the towns very few open gay's. We have no trouble believing them.
Dan asks us if we've seen Gretchen and Skinny Bob lately?
We say we haven't because they very seldom party out at the hot pools.
Then he say, “Well, they were over here the other day with no cash but wanting some grass. So I told them they stilled owed me for the last quarter and Bob says he knew that. But maybe I'd turn them on to a bit of weed if they had a 3-some with me!”
Now, here I have to break in to this tale so I can describe the swinging couple to you. Skinny Bob is called that because he is really skinny. I've seen him naked and he is one of the thinnest guys I've ever seen who's not a crankster. Plus, he's tall, a good 6'3” or 4”. He's pretty old too, at least in his 50's. Now Gretchen by comparison is fairly young, probably in her 30's. She's tall too, a good 5'10”. But where as Bob is skinny, she has a really good body with long blond hair, nice sized tits and a sweet ass.
Back to Dan. “Man, I started coughing and asks him if he was nuts. I tell him not only do I not trade anything for pot but never in a million years would I have sex with another dude in the same room. Plus I would never fuck another mans wife even behind his back let alone in front of him.”
“Then Gretchen tells me to calm down saying, “We like you Dan so we just thought we 'd ask. It's no biggie so just forget about it.”
“I do relax telling them I guess it's okay but don't ever ask again.”
“They tell me they won't. So things a a little awkward until Bob ask if they can smoke a “J” before they go and they'll see me next week when they get some cash together.”
“I tell them sure and roll one up. We fire it up and smoke it down so everything's cool and mellow again. After we've finished it they say see ya later and split. Man, I can't believe some of the people out here”
Kelly agrees saying, “But Dan, that's what makes life so interesting here is there's so many freaks among so few people.” And Dan and me have to agree.
This next tale probable blew Dan's mind the most since other than smoking and dealing grass he is fairly straight. In fact, even thought the hot ponds were happening when he first moved here he never came out to party with the nudie's.
We arrive and after the first joint has become just a roach in the ash tray Dan say, “Man, you guys ain't gonna believe what happened her last night. Do you know Coleen and Bridget?” he asks us.
We say we don't.
Dan continues, “They are pretty new here. I've only seen around a few months and as far as I know, they keep pretty much to themselves.”
So with this statement I'm thinking lesbo's since they're are quite a few of them out in these here parts. I'm also thinking this should be good.
“Well, in the afternoon Coleen comes over with the usual sad story about havin' no money but needin' some smoke. Now right away she say she knows she owes me for a quarter but could I see my way to frontin' her another one and she promises to pay me this weekend. I tell her sorry but no way or I's have to give everyone the same deal and pretty soon I'd be out of both money and pot. She says she understands but maybe we could adjourn to my bedroom and she could persuade me for the front. I tell sorry but no. So anyway we smoke one and she leaves.”
Here I interrupt him saying, “That ain't much of a story Dan. It sound like the usual pussy for pot to me.”
Dan say, “Just wait, the weird part is yet to come.” and he continues,” An hour later Bridget shows up and after we burn one says, “Mom told me she was here earlier”
Now both Kelly and me interrupt him saying in unison, “Mom!”
Dan says, “Yeah, didn't I tell you they was mother and daughter?”
We tell him, no, he kind of left that juicy bit of info off and by the way, how old are they and what do they look like?.
“Oh, well yeah, they're mother and daughter. I don't know how old Coleen is but probably about 40. I do know that Bridget is 19 because she told me. And they look okay, you know not beautiful or ugly or anything. Just like a regular mother/daughter.”
“Anyway” Dan goes on, “Bridget says, “Mom told her about what happened and thought you turned her down because she was too old for you. So Dan, I'm only 19, how about you and me head to your bed and after we're done you can front me a quarter?”
“I tell her it had nothing to do with age, it's just my policy not to front anyone more than a quarter at a time. And she should tell her mother that.”
“But,” Bridget says, “My mom owes you so how about just fronting me some weed until the weekend?”
“I tell her that since she lives with her mom then it's the same to me otherwise everybody would send all the members of their household over and the result for me would be the same, no cash, no pot. So sorry, no can do.”
“Bridget smiles at me and asks again if I'm sure about the bedroom?”
“I smile back and tell her yeah, I am. So we smoke another one before she leaves, and can you believe it but on her way out the door she ask me again. I don't get it. What part of no don't she understand.”
Kelly tells him, “Well you know Dan, girls just aren't used to being turned down when it comes to sex. Most guys would've jump at the chance to bang a 19-year old babe and would have given her the quarter. And she was just asking you for a front.”
“I guess I ain't most guys Kelly.” Dan says, and we both agree, he sure ain't.
Now this last tale isn't about pussy for pot but it does involve a girl and a trade.
Kelly & I walk in to Dan's and immediately notice the place is considerably cleaner. Now I don't want to imply that Dan is a slob who very seldom cleans his house but he is a bachelor so his standards are not quite as high as a woman’s or couple. He does the dishes once a day, picks up the clutter when there's no more room, empty’s ashtrays when full, cleans the bathroom and vacuums once a month. But he never dusts and that's the first thing we notice, no dust. Also, there's a young couple sitting on the sofa who we've never seen before. So of course we want to know what's up?
Don introduces us to Doreen and Phil then says, “They're some friends of mine kids from back east who came west to check it out. I'm letting them crash here for a few days.”
We say “Hi” to them then Kelly says, “Looks like they've been doing a little cleaning for you too, Dan.”
“Yeah,, Doreen said as long as there here she'll keep the place tidy.” Dan says, then “They have limited funds so I told them I'd provide the food and smoke.”
Sounds like a good deal to us so we all get onto more important things like, fire up that hooter and pass it around.
A few days later Kelly & I are there for another visit and things seem to be going smoothly. Dan's house is cleaner than we've ever seen it.
But when Doreen and Phil leave the room for get something Dan tell us, “Ya know, it's nice having them here for a while but it's been 3 days and it don't look like their planning to leave anytime soon. I hope they ain't thinkin' about living with me here because I can't afford to keep them in food and smoke for much longer. If they don't leave soon I'm going to ask them for some money to help out with the bills.
Now it sounds like a little trouble is in paradise. They have stayed about as long as Dan likes anyone to stay. Kelly & I have stayed in his extra bedroom a day or 2 now and then, and he's good for 2 or 3 days for any of his friends but then unless you're completely clueless, after that it's time to move along.
Another few days pass before we visit him again and this time no Doreen and Phil are in sight so we ask Dan where they are.
“They're gone,and good riddance to um.” he says. We ask him what happened?
Dan tells us the story, “ Well, yesterday I told them if they were going to stay any longer then they'd have to contribute a little cash for food.”
“Right away Doreen says, “But Dan, I been doing a lot of work for you keepin' yur house clean and all.”
“I stop her right there and say, “First off, I didn't ask to to keep house for me. And, what about Phil? All he does is sit around watchin' TV, smokin' my dope and eatin' my food, what about that Doreen?”
“ So Phil breaks in and says, “So how much you want Dan?”
“I tell him at least half the food cost.”
“He looks at Doreen and says, “That seem fair, don't it Doreen?”
“After some hesitating she says,”Yeah, I guess so.”
“So Phil says to me, “Okay Dan we'll start paying half the food.”
“Although I hoped they'd have left instead I tell them okay Then I tell them they owe me $5 for today and they agree.”
“Next morning,” Dan continues, “When I get up there's Doreen standing in the living room with her hands on her hips glaring at me.'
“Before I can even say good morning she starts in on me with,”Now that we're payin' rent I expect you to help out with the cleanin'. Like doing your own dishes and picking up after yourself. Why just this morning I had to ….........” But I ain't listening to no more of her shit!”
“I start yellin' louder right back at her about who the hell does she think sh is bitchin' at me in my own house when I was good enough to even let them stay for a while. Let alone feed um and smoke with um. And I ain't listening to no more of her crap!”
“So I go into my extra bedroom, see Phil sittin' on my bed lookin' kind of sheepish and say to him, “Pack your shit, grab your bitch and get the fuck out of my house! And I mean right Now!”
“Phil looks up at me and say, “Aw come on Dan....”
“But I don't let him finish either saying, “Either you get out now or I'll throw you out. Start Packin'!”
Here I should tell you that Dan is in his late 30's, 6'3”, 200 lbs with very little fat and although usually really good natured, nobody ever fucks with him mainly because he is a big guy who seldom gets mad.
Back to Dan's tale. “Well now Doreen comes in the room so I tell her the same exact thing and she looks like she wants to argue with me about it some more but Phil knows I serious so he tells her to cool it and start packing so she shuts up. When I see them getting their shit together I leave the room.”
“About 20 minutes later Phil comes in the living room and tells me he's sorry about Doreen's attitude and even thanks me for lettin' them stay.”
“I tell him that's fine and good bye. So I hear them go out the door and that was it.”
So I laugh and say, “Well Dan I guess you learned your lesson.”
Dan says, “Your damn right I did. From now on nobody stays here more than a couple days, and then only as long as they're on their good behavior. And” Dan says looking at Kelly, “no offense Kelly, I like girls and all but especially no more women because they're just too much trouble.”
I don't say anything but I am thinking, 'How right you are. It's just that they have that pussy.'
Kelly says, “Come on Dan, not all women are trouble. Some of us are pretty nice.”
Dan don't answer her and instead says, “Let's just burn burn one and leave it at that.”