I'm living in Paradise with a bunch of other escapees from the mainland. We're at the end of a seven mile dirt road on the south east side of Maui on a beach called Little Makena. It's not easy to get to either. In fact, the rental car companies pamphlets say, "Do not go! You are NOT insured."
After the dirt road, there's a quarter mile dirt track then you have to walk another quarter mile down the big beach, next up and over a 50 foot high lava tongue and Viola, there you are. It's such pain to get here that even though it's illegal to go naked, and everyone here does, that the cops only come a few times a year, mostly in the summer, almost always on a weekend so they can arrest the tourists, taking them to jail. There they book them just to embarrass them then take them before a judge who soaks them $25 for a fine, so we always wear our cut offs or shorts on Saturdays and Sundays, at least until 4 p.m. About the only bad thing here is no water, you have to haul it in. The closest source is a cattle trough a half a mile away that’s not always turned on. The next is a church over two miles away. Sometimes the Christians let us drink from their tap, sometimes not, which ain't very Christian if you ask me. After that the next tap is 8 miles away at a county park that's always on. I've hitched with a five gallon jerry can the 8 miles each way plenty of times and have always gotten rides. But it's still got to be carried that last half mile through the sand then up and over the lava however, it’s a small price to pay to be living in Paradise.
Little Makena is a pure white crescent of sand stretched between two black tongues of lava, surrounded by a huge Kiave forest that was planted by the Christians missionaries because it has really long vicious thorns so the natives would have to wear shoes, another very unChristian act. We all have to wear shoes too but it does make excellent firewood. It doesn't rain much on this side of the island so no mosquitoes and you don't need a tent. Just sleep on the beach watching the stars spin around the heavens and when the Navy's bombing the goats on Kawolavi at night, an island about 30 miles from here, it's quite a light show. The ocean is crystal clear with waves just big enough to be fun and good enough form to body surf with a water temp of 80 degrees year round. The tourist come mostly in the winter and summer, the locals only on weekends so on week days especially in the spring and fall, which is actually the best times of year, we have the beach pretty much to ourselves.
There's always a few extra folks here but the long time residents stay pretty much the same. The official leader of this motley crew is Power, a really fun on the go guy whose main mission in life is to not work and to drink as much tequila and smoke as many unfiltered Camels and pot as much as he possibly can. He likes the beach crowded so he can meet people, get their story’s and make new and interesting friends.
Next is KB as she's known. KB escaped the mid west where she was a wife and mother with a good job. "One morning," she says, "I woke up and knew that I just had to get out of there or die, so I kissed the hubby and the kids good bye, told them that I loved them, but I just couldn't be their mother any more and went to San Francisco. I heard that Maui was really bitchen, so here I am."
KB is lots of fun and the most trouble makingest of the group, she always up for anything. Some days you'll look at the beach and there's KB screwing some guy right at the surf line just like "On the Beach." She's the reason I'm here. We met at a party and she told me that I should check out Makena. I did and here I am. KB likes having lots of boyfriends and she goes through them pretty fast, they just don't understand her brand of fun.
Then there's Annie, she likes to drink, smoke and party. She has a regular boyfriend named Amos who she stays with in Lahina when things are good between them. They're quite a famous pair under the Banyan tree, a park in the center of town. She 5'4", he's 6'2" and they both weigh about 140. They both love booze and when they get enough money together he buys a bottle of Jim Beam and she buys a bottle of gin then they start drinking. Amos always finishes his bottle first then starts bugging Annie for some of hers. She tells him to lay off and pretty soon Amos is trying to take the gin away from her, then a no holds barred brawl begins with yelling, cursing, punching, kicking and rolling around in the dirt, generally making a spectacle of themselves. The dealers, drunks and dopers, including me, always root for Annie. After all, he's already drank his and should let her be so we all shout encouragement to her, "Kick his ass, Annie." "Bite his ear off." "Gouge out his eyes, Annie." and similar expressions of malicious glee. The haole tourist see this and can't get out of there fast enough saying, “Despicable”, “Disgusting” “Disgraceful” and other “Dis” words. The Jap tourist whip out their trusty Nikons and start snapping away to show the folks back home. The Hawaiian dudes are the only decent ones.
After a few minutes of watching this shit, one to them will come over, kick and pull them apart telling them, "Cut the crap. Have you no shame? You're in the middle of town in broad daylight. Can't you do this at home?”
Amos will then go and sulk while we congratulate Annie, who still has her bottle and hasn't spilled a drop.
Next is Chaz, a 15 year old runaway from where and what he won't say, he won't say even when he's high or drunk. He's got a false ID saying that he's 17 but if the cops ever really card him then he's gone. He's a good kid, though young and dumb, but hey, we all were. At least he's not wasting his time in high school like we all did and wished we hadn't.
Before we get to the last two loony tunes, there’s Black Dick, a true escapee and true leader of Makena. He got caught up in the riots of the mid sixties in the course of which he was beaten, shot, stabbed and slashed, and has all the scars to prove it. After a stint in the hospital where he almost died, he saw the light and got off the mainland. He moved to Maui where it's always warm and they’re plenty of red hot babes running around half naked. He found Makena and has been here ever since.
We're the semi-sane regulars, for now anyway. We only put our clothes on and leave when we have to, like for food, water, booze, food stamps and checks in the mail, the pakalolo comes to us. Almost everyone brings some and they’re always glad to share it. So now we're down to the final two homeboys, both true nut cases, both certifiably insane each in his own quirky way.
Silent Sam's not too bad, at least he’s quiet. But if you see Krazy Ken coming, avoid him, ignore him, tell him to shut up and go away. Because Krazy Ken never shuts up, and his rap, like most nuts, is always the same and it's not even interesting to hear once. It goes like this: He's a New York Jew, and he's all fucked up, and it's all his parents fault, his Rabbi's fault, his teachers fault, the city of New York's fault, the Presidents fault, societies fault, etc., etc., etc... In fact, it's everyone’s fault, including ours, except it's not his fault, he's just a poor innocent victim.
Now I've known lots of cry baby’s in my time, Inner Wounded Children come to mind, with the same rap. They just don't want to accept responsibility for their lives because it's always easier to blame someone else. But this is all Ken talks about and we don't want to hear it. Also, Ken not only doesn't bathe but he only wears one article of clothing, white boxer shorts. He wears them until they're filthy and in shreds never taking them off until it's time for a new pair. Although how he gets a new pair is kind of cool. He walks into Sears, his favorite store, goes to the men’s section, open a package of new white boxers, takes off his old pair and drops them on the floor, puts the new pair on then walks out the door. As far as I know he's never been hassled for doing this, but then again, who'd want to touch him. Even the cops leave him alone.
Silent Sam on the other hand almost never talks except occasionally and then mostly to himself, and then quietly. If you ask him something, maybe he'll answer, maybe not and then maybe he will but only much later. He's an innocent soul who doesn't understand that you need money to go shopping. He just goes to the store, takes what he needs which isn't a lot, then walks out. It's not really shoplifting because he doesn't try to conceal anything. In a market he'll stand in the aisle and eat what he wants. Sad to say, Sam goes to jail quite often but he likes it. The cops all know him and since he's no trouble, treat him well, and as he says, (sometimes) "The foods real good and they give ya lots."
In fact, Sam will come out of jail 20 pounds heavier that when he went in. But Sam's real claim to fame is the way he watches nude girls sunbathing on the beach.
Sam, like Power, likes crowded days. When Sam sees a cutie he likes, he'll grab a towel, any towel will do, then put it about 10 feet from the babes feet, lay down on his belly and stare up at her hairy crack. Sam likes the babes lying on their backs with their bushes in the air and their legs spread apart. After a few minutes if the girl doesn't notice him, he'll move himself and the towel a bit closer. A few minutes more, a little closer and so on until his head is right between the babe’s legs. Then he'll stare right into her hot pink slit until she notices this shaggy fur face looking longingly and lovingly into her grand whazoo. The girl’s reaction always varies and we try to predict them. Will she jump up screaming and run away, or jump up screaming and kicking Sam, or lay there screaming kicking Sam, or just quietly get up, pick up her towel and move away shaking her head and silently cursing Sam? We've always wondered what would happen if some girl had smiled at Sam and spread her legs wider. The bet is that Sam would be the one to jump up and run away.
Now you might think that Ken and Sam being so different wouldn't get along at all but in fact, they hang out together a lot. One day while they were buddies Ken comes up to us with great news: His evil parents have sent him $2,000, something they do twice a year but what Ken does with it is a mystery since he lives on food stamps and shoplifting like the rest of us. He's going to throw us a big party and buy us whatever we want to pay us back for sponging off of us for the last few months. So, what’ll it be?
We're not too hopeful knowing Ken, but what's to lose so we tell him, beer, bread, steaks and cake. That'll cover the 4 basic food groups and oh yeah, a bottle of vino to have with dinner with and a carton of Camels for after. Okay, he says and he and Sam are off. About six hours later we see Ken and Sam coming down the beach with two big bags of groceries and we're saying, "All right!" but our joy is short lived.
Ken starts pulling stuff out of the bags, a carton of Kools. Yuk, no one here smokes menthols, a bag of jawbreakers for desert, two 6 six packs of warm generic root beer and a loaf of squished Wonder bread. The other bag contains a 5 pound box of frozen beef suet and a half gallon jug of warm Sangria. We look at this and ask Ken what happened to the stuff that we ordered and who does he expect to eat this crap? Ken explains this was the cheapest in the store and is as good as anything else. And that not only should we thank him for being so generous, but we should thank Sam for snagging the wine on the way out of the store because he had forgotten all about it. And, if this "Crap!" ain't good enough for us, why then he and Sam would have a great party all by themselves.
We say that even he would not be crazy enough to eat the frozen beef suet. He says that Bar-B-Que'd it'll taste just great.
He and Sam build a fire and put a grill atop of it, chip the frozen fat into chunks and throw them on the grill. It starts popping and crackling with a great deal of black greasy smoke that goes rolling upwards. When the chunks are totally black and crispy, Ken takes them off the fire and he and Sam start eating them, washing them down with warm root beer. Ken says, "Pretty good, huh Sam?"
Sam ain't talking, but he is eating that burned to a crisp beef fat with the squished Wonder bread. Unbelievably they eat the whole 5 pounds. Of course, a lot of it went up in smoke. Then they have desert, jawbreakers, warm Sangria and Kools. When they're done they pat their stomachs then belch and Ken says, "Now that's what I call a meal. Right Sam?"
Sam still ain't talking.
We tell Ken to get the hell away from us and until he goes and gets what he promised us, to stay the hell away! And why is he being so fucking cheap anyway? He's got $2,000.
Ken says, "Not anymore. Me and Sam spent it all.”
We want to know what the hell did he spend $2,000 on in six hours and has absolutely nothing to show for it.
Ken says that since we're being so rude that he's not going to tell us. He then turns to Sam saying, "Come on Sam, let's go." and walks away.
We ask Sam just where the two grand went, but Sam, he still ain't talking.