An Inquest of Infidelity by Jeremiah Dotson - HTML preview

ONE FINAL NOTE ABOUT INFIDELITY:

Note: when you treat a significant other less than respectful, and by this I mean hitting them, cursing at them or just generally equating them with shit, and they do not respond, believe me when I tell you that there is a very good to excellent chance that he or she is cheating on you.

When it comes to what causes infidelity, the true but disheartening thing is that no one answer will ever suffice in a way, which is acceptable for everybody. And an even more disheartening thing is the fact is that many people in relationships who have had to deal with or who are dealing with an infidelity situation really don’t desire one answer for the reason why transgressions of this type occur. Most people want to hear what sounds pleasing and acceptable to their specific situation. Some people will surmise that the reason for infidelity’s existence is completely based on gender – as in; he’s a man, he’s going to cheat just because of that fact. Now while everyone who possesses even the most basic level of common sense will easily be able to see that egregious generalizations of this type are for lack of a better word, wrong, others will assume that they are right due to society’s sometimes overwhelming peer pressure effect on the thinking of much of this world. There are some people who will surmise that the reason for infidelity’s existence is based on experience. This means that if there was a prior act of infidelity and it worked out in the guilty parties’ favor, in other words, that party never got caught, they would more than likely be under the impression that their way of handling things is the correct one. And there are still others who believe that infidelity is around because of upbringing. In other words, if a parental figure has instructed someone under their care that it is or was okay to be unfaithful as a way of handling problems or desires, then more than likely, that individual would grow up believing that that solution for relationship correction was the correct or appropriate one. The list for what actually causes infidelity is long. I believe it is almost as long as the list of causes that any random person or group of people give to the made up reasons for infidelity’s existence. But there is a special reason that many people often overlook when it comes to why cheating sometimes occurs and this is the one of accepted emotional abuse. One of the things people in relationships do is get comfortable with one another after a certain period of time. This is good in most respects and it is what is commonly expected but the bad part about getting comfortable is the fact that many people do not know when enough is enough. Many people will get so comfortable in their relationships that they tend to let that level of comfort overshadow respect for the significant other. One of the ways this is perpetrated is by people in relationships occasionally cursing out one another or if not one person occasionally cursing out each other, then one person consistently cursing out the other. Sometimes this scenario is not at all as bad as it seems and this is because people will use a profane moniker or title as a replacement for the significant others’ actual name. In other words, if the name of the significant other is Jeremiah, the other in the relationship may substitute that name with asshole, jackass, motherfucker or any garden variety term, which may happen to flow through that significant other’s feeble little mind. The thing, which makes this scenario seem not so bad, is the fact that often the name calling is accepted as a term of endearment or basically something that the other party ‘just does.’ Now while on the one hand, this situation may not bother the one perpetrating it, it may cause a sometimes silent firestorm of hatred for the one on the receiving end. Instead of people in relationships saying things to the effect of ‘come here, honey’ and the like, they say things resembling ‘come here fuckface’ and worse. People on the receiving end may or may not object to the name calling and that is not a reflection on whether or not they like or dislike it. Sometimes they do object to the disrespect but it is to no avail because the other really does not care about that person’s feelings. Sometimes they do not object because they are in a relationship where physical and emotional abuse is the norm and they are scared to. Whatever the cause for this type of disrespect and abuse, there will be those who will not tolerate it and who will not allow it to be tolerated. These are the people who the emotionally abused and disrespected people very often gravitate to and eventually end up having affairs with. A lot of people in this world are under the impression that just because a person stays around and does not complain about something, that means that that person is enjoying what the other is doing to them. This is wrong. This has always been wrong. This is mistaken interpretation and lack of communication at its finest. What so, so many people do is allow things to go on in relationships that they do not like in the silent hopes that they will change. When they don’t change by themselves, many people feel that they will never change because they are not capable of being changed. I have seen and experienced so many episodes of people in relationships telling one another to shut the fuck up or calling them every profane name in the book and it being accepted by the other party that it made me wonder how deep does this complacency thing really go?

            A few sentences above when I mentioned that the ones in relationships who get verbally and emotionally disrespected are the ones who gravitate toward others who do not treat them that way, I was attempting to emphasize a point about the importance of communication. When people do not communicate to one another, there will be problems. When people in relationships do not communicate to one another, there will be relationship threatening problems. In a situation such as this, the most thought of reason for the accepted emotional abuse is the simple fact that it was accepted from day one. Think about something; if a couple were in the new stages of couple hood and one of the two called the other a profane term of endearment, if that person to whom the profane term of endearment was bestowed would have said something to the effect of hold up! Wait a minute! Do not use that type of language around me or when referring to me, there would never have been a thing of the situation becoming accepted. The main reason that people do things to us that we do not like is because we allow them to.

            When a child for example, is called all types of negative and derogatory names, very often that child will grow up believing that those labels he or she was given actually apply. The hell with all of the positive reinforcement to the effect of sticks and stones may break my bones, names do hurt – and not only do they hurt, they often have the tendency to stick with a person for many years. Now here’s my question – if name calling and incorrectly labeling a child is so damaging and long lasting, why isn’t the same understanding given to adults? Is it because as adults we are supposed to have ‘thick skin’ where things such as this are not supposed to bother us or is it because name calling is supposed to be accepted when it comes to relationships? This emotional abuse thing is much more than profane language between couples. Sometimes it does not involve a profane word at all. What many people who are the perpetrators in emotionally abusive relationships will often do is attempt to break down the other’s spirit. They will say things to the effect of ‘you’re nothing!’ ‘You will never be anything!’ You’re stupid! You’re always doing something stupid! And self esteem stealing things of that nature. See, no profane words at all – but the impact of these words is what causes damage. People begin to believe the hurtful and destructive things that the significant other says and they begin on their downward emotional and mental spiral until someone outside of the relationship tells them the opposite of what they are used to hearing, thereby bringing a positive light into their life. This positive light is often all that’s needed to start the emotionally abused people on the road to infidelity. This does not mean to say that just because a husband treats a wife bad and another man comes along and treats the wife good, that she is instantly going to sleep with the new man. What this is saying is that when somebody is broken down, when they have no positive outlook in life and little happiness and someone makes this person happy in ways that the significant other can’t or hasn’t, the abused person will find it easier to connect with that person. The significant other will have an attraction, maybe even a dependency on this person’s positive vibe that he or she provides. And the more this person is around, the more comfortable the significant other will feel. And this is just step one on the road to infidelity.

            There are many people who will take advantage of people who have suffered a certain kind of hurt. In fact, there are some people who will only look for people who have been hurt because they will already know how to manipulate the relationship. People who are abused whether emotionally or even physically cannot usually defend themselves against the one hurting them, so all the outside influence has to do is say or do the exact opposite of what your average, garden variety, emotional or physical abuser would and he or she is in - so infidelity is not always only perpetrated by the one who is abused. Sometimes it is a cleverly crafted plan perpetrated by the one who is playing Mr. or Mrs. Helpful.

End 2