My heart was
broken today.
Someone I had feelings for told me she wasn’t ready. Someone I had feelings for told me she preferred to keep me as a friend. Someone I had feelings for went ahead and broke my heart - and now, there it lies, pieces of the poor, shattered thing all over the floor.
And yet, my feelings for her remain. I can’t even think straight right now. My writing is slower than usual. My thoughts are less coherent than usual. I feel the least like myself in years.
All of this because my heart was broken. I’m not surprised, though. After all, this was the first time I actually had real feelings towards someone. And of all instances, this has to be the one where she tells me she wants to keep me as merely a friend.
I keep telling myself to cry. I keep acknowledging that I want to let it all out. But nothing’s happening. Even if I try my hardest, the tears refuse to be shed. My heart is crying, but why not my eyes?
Devastated. That’s how I’ve felt since I woke up. But I was too shocked to be entirely honest to her. I told her I understood - and I do in a sense - but that was only half of the truth. A part of me still doesn’t want to believe what happened. A part of me still has feelings for her.
No. Not only a part of me. All of me - I still have feelings for her. I was wrong to not ask for further reasoning from her. I was wrong to settle for her wanting to keep me as a friend.
But at the same time, I don’t want her to feel bad. If I did ask her for further reasoning, would she give any? Would she be able to? Would she feel too bad to answer?
In any case, she did break my heart. And it’ll certainly take longer than ever before to pull myself together. Do I really deserve this bad luck? Do I really deserve to be left alone unloved?