I’m
turning 22 in ten days.
And where am I?
What’s my life situation? Well, I’m a freshman in
university, so that’s one thing. In fact, my first year is
practically wrapped up now. Only waiting for the few remaining credit
points to show up in my student “profile”. And praying to
every deity ever worshipped (despite personally believing in none)
that I passed the entrance exam for the pedagogical studies. And
still desperately trying to take it upon myself to finally do that
health survey thing I’ve been procrastinating for two months.
And waiting to hear back from the rest of the places I submitted a
summer job application to, half-eagerly and half-afraid.
I’m also
still living at home. With my parents. In a sense, I don’t
really feel bad, since I haven’t felt entirely ready to move
out yet. But at the same time, I do feel bad, but not because of
societal pressure or anything of that sort. Rather, I feel bad still
living at home because my mother won’t shut the fuck up about
my sense of responsibility, even though I’ve made it clear that
she doesn’t need to be worried.
Or does she?
I
will hand it to myself that I can
be responsible when I actually want to be. The dog needs to be taken
care of, and I happily oblige to that. If the dishwasher needs to be
emptied, I’ll do it without complaint. If the laundry needs to
be done, I’ll get the laundry done.
But
for some reason, when it comes to responsibilities involving social
communication, I feel as though my will to take care of them has seen
a steady decline in recent years. I should contact my godmother about
whether she can arrange me some work or not, but I keep failing to
bring myself to pick up the phone. I always feel like it takes a
punch on the cheek - a punch,
not a slap - in order for me to initiate anything that involves
social interaction to any extent.
Even worse than
my sense of responsibility, though, my mother won’t shut the
fuck up about my screen hours. Yes, I acknowledge that I spend almost
every waking hour of my life sitting at the computer. What she fails
to realize, however, is that I also spend every single one of those
hours productively. Well, more or less anyway.
The computer is
essentially my central “hobby hub”. Whichever of my
hobbies I choose to spend time with at any given moment, it houses
all of them - video games, music, level design and writing, not one
any less dear than the other. There is one thing it can’t
house, though: traveling.
I love traveling
to new places. Hell, I love almost anything new, be it a place, an
experience or a technological innovation. Alas, as much as I would
like to travel more, it’s only a dream at this point, because
not only is my financial situation at an all-time low, but two of the
other hobbies I mentioned eat up most of my money.
I wish finding
work was easier. I wish things were cheaper. I wish the office that
provides me with my monthly student’s paycheck gave me more
money. But above all, I wish my hobbies would make me money,
especially my music.