overflowing with cases. Depending on the jurisdiction up to 90
percent of criminal cases are plea bargained. It’s at least that high for civil cases. But don’t let that dissuade you. You have a right to be treated fairly, justly and are ideally guaranteed due process in your case.
-Understand that if the case goes to trial you may have to face your ‘former abuser’. You may also have to relive what you’ve been through on the witness stand. Your abuser’s defence attorney may be a man or a woman. His/her job is to defend the defendant and to try to poke giant holes in your testimony or to obliterate it. If you go this far, be brave, forthright, honest tenacious and unrelenting.
-If there are witnesses including neighbours tell the
police.
-Request a personal copy of the police report for future reference.
-If the police see no proof whatsoever, there’s a chance your abuser may not be arrested but just told to leave your domicile.
Laws
vary
from
one
jurisdiction
to
another.
Furthermore, due process applies to accusers and the accused, otherwise, ever single accusation even bogus and preposterous ones may result in arrests and convictions. Due process is for the greater good of society. Nevertheless, never be dissuaded from calling the police. They’re trained to observe body language and behaviour relevant to crime. Domestic violence is a crime.
-Policewomen can have a calming effect on domestic abuse victims. They’re often called in as part of a pair or team in many domestic abuse 911 calls.
-Even if you don’t or can’t get yourself to call the
police, if things get out of hand one or more of your neighbours may call the police, as happens on countless occasions. They don’t need your permission to call for help.
-Your neighbours may call the police because of the raucous
too, not realizing or maybe in some cases not caring what happens to you and your partner.
-Remember, physical, sexual and mental abuse is a choice.
There are domestic abuse cases that are peculiar and
sensitive. You may have to take extra measures or circuitous measures to ensure your safety and to see justice.
Policemen are not immune to being abusers:
27
-Abusers often come home from work pissed off as hell and with an attitude. But this category of abusers carries a gun, a badge and can arrest people, even his partner.
-Domestic abuse amongst police families is less often
reported than in non-police families. Wives or partners of policemen may be more inclined to fear the law.
-The victim likely assumes that the officers who show up may personally know her partner.
-The victim may believe that the case will never go to court; the ole boys network.
-She may feel that the main players (in particular at the police level) of the criminal justice system will be hostile and antagonistic towards her.
-Many police departments don’t have a specific policy for dealing with domestic violence by their officers. Often, the
‘punishment’ may be counselling.
-Policemen who abuse their partners know how to intimidate a person. They know how to appear menacing without striking a person. In their line of work they deal with many common criminals, and some are tough. They need to hold their ground.
-Policemen carry firearms, know how to properly use a night
stick and can painfully restrain and/or take down a person without leaving any marks, bruises or breaks. They’re trained to take down dangerous criminals; in comparison taking down a defenceless woman is a breeze.
-The abuser may be well-versed in the loopholes of the
criminal justice system.
-The abuser has a good knowledge of the law regarding
domestic violence. Chances are the victim is at a loss in this arena.
-A very hostile abuser may threaten to seriously harm his wife and claim that the law won’t help her.
-He may remind her that the same officers who work the beat
are his beer or bowling buddies. He knows them quite well; ‘they won’t betray me because I’m one of them’.
-A police officer is thought to be a trusted and
respectable member of the community; hard to believe he beats his wife or partner.
-The loss of a single policeman is a loss to the community.
-Neighbours may be apprehensive about calling the police.
They may believe that the police will reveal their identities to the abuser, who happens to be their neighbour.
-The courtroom work group has likely seen the offender as a
witness; they know him they don’t know her.
-The abuser may get ‘inside information’ on his partner’s case and how it’s proceeding.
28
-A wife or partner may be weary of calling the police and filing a criminal complaint against her partner; she may not want him to be suspended or lose his job.
-If a woman is forced to stay in the town or city it’ll be difficult to hide from her abuser. As long as he carries a badge this is likely so.
-The jurisdiction of a police officer does not extend
state-wide. If you fear for your safety and nothing concrete has been done to protect you leave the city; go to a trusted family member or friend.
Regarding police officers, the aforementioned basic facts
are referring only to policemen who abuse their partners. There are countless policemen and policewomen who risk their life and limb to help protect our communities. They have a very stressful and dangerous job to do. As a whole, they keep their stressors at the workplace. When they come home they’re good partners.
Most policemen would never abuse their partner. They’re
outstanding members of the community and rightfully so. We need them to help maintain order, when we want protection and when we have a complaint; something as trivial as a loud neighbour keeping us up late at night.
-Go over the head of the district attorney by contacting the governor, state’s attorney general and the mayor of your
‘former city’. Contact victim’s organizations both within your state and on a national level.
When and if the smoke clears and you’re up to it convey your story through the means you feel comfortable with (if you choose to); internet, website or blog, newspaper, television, write a book, etc.
As a general rule women who kill their abusers are not treated fairly in the criminal justice system.
Although she’s supposed to be innocent until proven guilty she must clearly show or prove that she was systematically abused with documentation and often through photos and she may have to prove that she was in imminent danger at the time of killing.
Some victims are so demoralized, put-down, beaten down,
terrified of their abusers, and at the time of the abuse are enraged they kill their abuser while he’s asleep (non-confrontational circumstance).
Killing an abuser while he’s sound asleep or not attacking or threatening a victim at the moment will likely make her case more difficult.
By chance, if she’s a primary beneficiary to an insurance policy this too can make her case more difficult. Unfortunately, 29
there are women who murder their husbands or abusers for unjustifiable reasons.
The weapon of choice of killing a sleeping husband tends to
be a gun. Bludgeoning to death takes more time; there’s always a fear that the abuser may awaken and be able to overpower the attacker.
But most killings of abusers (75 percent) occur during
confrontational periods. The kitchen is the most dangerous room to be in during a serious domestic violence incident. Weapons are within arms’ reach, anything from a kitchen appliance to a scolding pot of boiling water or worse yet oil.
A documented history of violence, a noticeable size and
strength differential and proof of a dangerous confrontation where the abused person’s safety was in jeopardy work to her advantage.
Every state in the union allows the defendant to bring
forth evidence of past abuse. Battered woman’s syndrome is real.
But not all women kill their abusers. Statistically, the number is insignificant. During
most
domestic
confrontations
the
abuser wins.
In the mid-1990s in Kansas a woman fought back against her abuser. The fight got very ugly. As the confrontation ensued a vicious struggle for a gun developed.
The abuser somehow got hold of the gun, placed it into his partner’s vagina and then fired. Miraculously, the woman didn’t die. Unfortunately, she ended up with massive wiring in her body. She was literally mutilated from within.
The judge ruled that time already served for the defendant was sufficient. It was a vicious fight and things got out of hand.
But as I see it, as soon as the abuser got hold of the gun he didn’t have to shoot his partner, let-alone shove the gun and then shoot her in the vagina.
Marva Wallace, a 44 year-old woman (in 2002) was released (pending a new trial) after serving 17 years in a California prison for fatally shooting her abusive husband in 1984.
Prior to 1992 expert testimony concerning battered woman
syndrome was not submitted at trial.
The 1992 California law allowed for women convicted and
serving time prior to this date to use the battered woman syndrome defence.
There was no doubt as to Marva’s enduring horrible abuse by
her husband. It was documented that she was beaten on numerous occasions with visible injuries and bloodied.
In addition, her husband (a drug addict) was a control
freak; he didn’t allow her to work and grossly ‘detached her’
from her family. He neglected her, didn’t help her out
30
financially. Worse yet, he forced her to perform a sexual act in front of their toddler daughter. Marva shot her husband a short while later.
Marva received a new trial and testimony from her battering
was allowed to be introduced. Shockingly, she was permitted to plead guilty to a lesser charge (voluntary manslaughter). She was sentenced to 8 years of time served. So in a sense, her criminal record wasn’t cleared; justice in this case wasn’t served.
Lesbian couples aren’t immune to domestic violence. The
statistics pertaining to violence in domestic settings is 25 to 35 percent; it’s the same for lesbian couples. Lesbian domestic violence cuts across all racial, economic and social strata.
As with heterosexual relationships one partner is usually the
dominant
one
the
other
recessive.
This
ensures
a
relationship where one of the partners is emotionally and often-
times economically more powerful than her partner. But with lesbian couples, physical strength and size doesn’t guarantee safety. Many lesbian abusers are physically smaller and weaker than their partners.
Power is a trust, regardless of whether we’re referring to a relationship, work or other situation.
In lesbian domestic abuse one partner tries to gain or
maintain control of the other partner through abuse and/or intimidation; physical, emotional and/or sexual. Economic (money and finances) coercion may be used against the victim also.
The
abuse
cycle
is
usually
the
same
as
that
for
heterosexual abuse; escalation or tension building, abuse or battery and then resolution or I love you stage. Violence in lesbian relationships is a serious issue in the lesbian
community.
Women can hit and harm other women; they can get really nasty with each other. Have you ever seen two women fight? No wonder they’re called cat fights.
When both partners are of equal or similar strength and they often quarrel or fight, this can be referred to as a violent relationship or a violent couple. However, when one of the partners is obviously weaker than the other and is being hurt at a disproportionate level and is walking on eggshells much of the time she’s a victim. It makes no difference that her abuser is a woman like her. Her body doesn’t know the
difference.
In other lesbian relationships both partners appear to be of equal physical strength, however one of the partners may have a nasty/aggressive personality. The ‘butch’ does not necessarily have to be the aggressor. Furthermore, money and ownership of the domicile can also be used as a weapon.
31
A woman who hasn’t ‘come out’ will likely be apprehensive about calling the police. The victim may want to keep her relationship a secret at all costs, even if it means being abused every so often.
Initially, some women get into lesbian relationships with the belief that it’s unimaginable that a woman could ever abuse another woman that she loves. Many of these women are caught off guard. Furthermore, some of these same women can’t fathom being viewed as a sex object by a woman partner.
Abusers in lesbian relationships have learned to be
aggressive or to deal with frustrations through acts of
aggression, directed at their partner. Victims may have learned to seek out aggressive woman as partners.
The level of harm done to a victim can be equal to the harm
done in a heterosexual relationship. The weapons; physical, psychological, sexual and inanimate objects are the same and in the case of the latter are within reach.
One lesbian partner can rape another:
-She can pin her down or restrain her and force her partner
to do what she orders her to do.
-She can use a dildo or other ‘surrogate penis’ to punish her partner.
-She can force her partner to touch her wherever she wants to be touched.
=She can touch her partner wherever she wants to.
-She can force her partner to perform oral sex in one or more places.
-She can perform oral sex on her partner by force.
-She can force her partner to perform unnatural and
degrading sexual acts.
-She can talk dirty and say horrible things to her partner during the act.
-She can threaten her partner if she doesn’t obey her every
command.
In cases of heterosexual domestic violence the police have the option of arresting or asking the male partner to leave the domicile. In lesbian domestic violence cases things aren’t that clear cut unless there are visible signs of injury.
Furthermore, the police are generally not trained to
intercede in lesbian couple violence. Even the policewoman at the scene will likely be a heterosexual. If not, she’ll probably keep her mouth shut; stay in the closet.
An aggressive partner may or may not have a substance abuse
problem. Substance abuse is often an aggravating factor but not a cause. The underlying personality is of prime importance.
32
If the victim has kept her lesbian lifestyle a secret the abuser may threaten to ‘out her’. This is a weapon that’s not available in a heterosexual relationship.
Outing can occur after calling the police, filing a
criminal complaint, going to court, seeking a restraining order, being sent to the emergency room or escaping to a shelter.
Most social services for domestic violence are geared for heterosexual women. Furthermore, there’s much denial and silence in the lesbian community about the problem of lesbian domestic violence.
But as horrible as domestic abuse can be, for the most part, the vast majority of marriages and partner relationships are of two individuals who initially decided to get together.
Sometimes there is deceit though.
But this doesn’t negate the fact that many marriages around
the world aren’t the result of two consenting persons, or even adults for that matter.
Forced marriage is a sad phenomenon in our world. Many
young girls, sometimes pre-teens are set up by their families to marry men who are often decades older or guys who are white-haired. The girl or young woman’s permission isn’t sought.
This is a problem in Africa, especially sub-Sahara, parts of the Middle East and also Asia.
A case in point involves an 11 year-old Malawi girl named Mwaka whose father Mapendo Simbey sold her off to pay a bill.
Mwaka first became a servant to her new husband’s first wife. Mwaka was to be his bed partner (second wife). Her parents didn’t console her. Her husband was 30 years older than her.
Mwaka was one of the luckier ones. She fled her husband’s home and was miraculously taken back by her parents six months later.
In February of 2005, a 23 year-old Turkish woman who
divorced her husband by a forced marriage was shot in the head three times by her brother. This is an example of an honour killing.
This practice tends to occur regularly in remote villages.
Pakistan’s remote villages are one of the hotspots for this area. Sometimes, young women who are citizens of western nations are also forced into marriage.
I personally knew an elderly man who aimed a rifle at his daughter because she refused to marry the man whom he had chosen for her. It was an arranged marriage with a dowry and other transactions and agreements; without her being present and her consent given of course.
This young woman was perhaps in her late teens. Regarding the rifle her enraged father gave her two choices, ‘marry him or I’ll kill you right here and now’. She accepted the marriage. As 33
far as I know she’s still married to the same man. This event occurred over three decades ago.
In arranged marriages there’s generally more leeway for a woman to say no. Things are generally calmer.
In forced marriages extreme violence, verbal reprimands and even honour killings can occur. The female involved is thereby considered a piece of property, a bargaining chip of sorts.
If she’s forced to marry and never loves him and doesn’t like ‘his touch’ it’s safe to assume that every time he fondles or makes love to her, it’s sexual assault. This of course is assuming that the woman involved is an adult. If she’s a pre-teen it’s child rape.
Problems with forced child marriages include:
-Obliteration of her childhood
-Destruction of her education
-She must grow up really fast.
-Bleeding, losing one’s virginity and not understanding
what’s going on.
-Crying and pleading to no avail.
-Initially, some kind of force and/or intimidation is used.
-Serving the first wife (if applicable) who’s older than her, or becoming a servant to the family of her new husband.
-STDs (HIV is prevalent in sub-Saharan Africa)
-Painful, dangerous pregnancies
-Vaginal injuries as a result of being penetrated or raped at such an early age.
-Being tossed out of the house at a later period. Virginity
is a prize, when she loses it and has been broken in a replacement may be sought after.
-Many men in these same cultures will only marry a virgin.
It’s usually no consolation that she broke her virginity in marriage. Sometimes even if she’s raped, she’s still blamed.
-A lack of national and international help. World leaders don’t consider this a problem to tackle. The vast majority of the victimized females are from Third World countries.
-Even females who are citizens of western nations generally
do not receive the help they need. Most go undetected.
-The husband is often decades older; sometimes he is of senior citizen age. There have been cases of men over 80 years-old ‘purchasing’ child brides.
-If she struggles, the new husband may become violent or tell her father. Either way, she’ll likely be harmed.
-Refusal or being a bad wife may lead to familial or worse yet village ostracism; in many cases even the older women will turn against her.
34
-Her father may sell her off to guarantee chastity (purity and no premarital sex).
The Government of Britain is trying to combat this problem at home. As of September of 2007 the Forced Marriage Unit has rescued 60 children (under age 15) from forced marriages. Almost certainly, this is the tip of the iceberg. There are likely many more forced child marriages in the country. Citizens abroad are more difficult to rescue and repatriate.
Forced marriages are very common in Saudi Arabia. Although in 2005 Saudi Arabia’s top religious authority, Grand Mufti Sheikh Abdul Aziz al-Sheikh banned forced marriages within his country it is still widely practiced.
Although forcing a woman to marry someone or for a woman’s father to force her into marriage is against Sharia (Islamic Law), this horrid practice is based on old cultural practices.
Many of the participants ignore their faith or try to twist their beliefs to justify their actions.
These forced marriages are causing a spike in divorces in Saudi Arabia, no wonder.
Many aspects of the culture of the country consider women as sub-human, sometimes at the animal level. One man therein told an acquaintance of mine that women were like slippers (put them on when you need them take them and toss them when you’re done).
A child or a woman forced into marriage usually has no recourse.
The
authorities
work
in
an
extremely
misogynistic/sexist/racist environment.
Honour killing of a recalcitrant child bride or young woman
bride may go unpunished.
Fathers of these child brides may claim that they have the best interest for her at heart. He wants to keep her chaste and in-line regarding her behaviour. Never mind the monetary or economic gain that he may acquire.
As soon as the husband gets sick of his wife he can toss her out or send her back to her family.
Sustained abuse can wreak havoc on a person. Post Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
(PTSD)
can
result
in
physiological
and
psychological
responses
that
are
unpleasant,
outright
terrifying, antagonistic towards the everyday activities of the person and/or can create additional problems.
Below is a list of some problems and thoughts that a
seriously abused woman may have to face. Some of the symptoms and behaviours contradict others. It depends on the particular case and situation:
-Heart palpitations
35
-Jitteriness
-Excessively jumpy (exaggerated startle reflex)
-Shortness of breath or hyperventilation
-Overly anxious
-Excessive number of bad dreams, nightmares