IV. VIRILITY PROBLEMS

A number of factors conspire to challenge the rules of the game in the discourse of cacherismo. By promoting changes, these factors undermine physical and spatial temporality, practices, sexual definition, and social attitudes towards cacheros.

FANTASY AND PLEASURE

The young men are well aware that to be cacheros they must feel desire only for women. Vernol says that he has to think about a woman he likes a lot to be able to get turned on and go with a man. Hugo agrees and says that he imagines he is with a woman and concentrates on that idea, because if not, it would be a disaster Miguel cannot get an erection easily unless I've met and dealt with the client, and I start dreaming about breasts Harold has to force himself to think “that this penis is a vagina, that this man is a woman. If not, I couldn't do this job”.

Although, in theory, cacheros should not think that they are with men, but rather imagine themselves with women, the relationship between imagination and reality is not so clear-cut. They think and fantasize in their heterosexual relationships as well as in their homosexual ones. In fact, we all learn sexual scripts for our relationships and cacheros are no exception. These scripts are little discourses that tell us what to do and how to do it. Even our own fantasies depend upon them, because, in order to have them, we must use people from real life. These scripts contain both dialogue and images, and it is impossible not to think of anything, as Mono says, when they are with women or only think of women when they are with clients.

In practice, cacheros do not think only about women when they are with clients. Furthermore, during the first years of prostitution, it would seem that the imagination is absent. They admit to having had periods in their lives when they "only thought about the sensation", as Pablo says. Those who began at a very early age, such as Guido, who started at 10, were not mature enough to use their imaginations. “ I didn't know anything about sex when I was ten, and when they sucked me off, I didn't t know what to think...It wasn't 'til I reached puberty, like around fourteen, that I started thinking about women”. Others like Carlos admit they have never needed fantasies to enjoy sex: “Why should I think about something else if I like what I'm doing and it feels good?” he asks.

Many confess that, for certain sexual practices, they do not need to fantasize. In the case of oral sex, they enjoy it without having to think about whether it is a woman or a man doing it. “Why would I want to imagine anything if I'm getting a blow job?” asks Mono. Luis says the same thing: It's easier not to think about anything when they're sucking you. During penetration is when you really need to fantasize Cerebrón shares this feeling and says “it's not necessary to fantasize when you're getting oral sex, whether it's from a man, woman, queer, or the neighborhood calf “. Lila explains that the pleasure the guys get from oral sex makes them end up doing everything:

In the case of passive anal penetration, cacheros who admit to doing it say that they do not fantasize at that point either. The few times I've done it, what I do is disconnect, let my mind go blank so it goes by quickly, says Carlos. Others like Guido have had experiences that make them do without imagination: I went with a guy who was handsome and had a nice body. He asked me what I thought about when I was with him, and I told him that I thought about women, and he told me it wasn't worth it, and said I should think about what was happening between us.

Finally, fantasies are not always ongoing. As we have seen, during oral sex imagination is not as necessary, and sometimes it is not necessary at all. During active anal penetration, there are moments when you just think of how good it feels to be coming, and not about who you're with, confesses Mono. At certain points during the sexual act, cacheros enjoy the moment without having to think about women. Cerebrón is convinced that active anal sex is better with men, even though he does not like men. “You come faster in a tight ass. When their ass-hole tightens, you don't care if it's your own grandmother's.”

In practice, it is impossible to only think about women. “There are times when the imagination pauses and you are aware of your sexual partner. In many cases, it is not even necessary”. According to Luis, “it is a lie to say that you always think about women when you're with men. Since women don't give blow jobs, you can't imagine a woman when a man is doing it”, he adds.

However, this does not mean that imagination does not play an important role in prostitution. It is important in the sense that it provides the "cacheros" with scripts to do their job. The fact of having sex with people they do not know or, in some cases, do not even like, means the imagination becomes the instrument that allows them to "function", as Mono says. The only thing that matters to the client is that you have an erection, not what you'rethinking about, he confesses. In order to function, he, and most cacheros turn to pornography. This is where they find the images that they use most in their erotic dreams.

Since pornography plays a role in "educating" cacheros, this medium is where they learn their sexual discourse. Instead of seeing cacheros as divided between imagination and reality, we could see them as practicing a pornographic discourse, with a mechanical sense of sexuality. Both pornography and prostitution emphasize the body and its mechanical functioning. As Mono says, “the important thing is doing it, not what you think about”. Pornography is similar: actors and actresses portray sexual fantasies, but they do it in a believable and mechanically real way. In men, this reality is expressed in their erection and ejaculation, while in women the equivalent expression of pleasure is not so visible or obvious.

The fact that cacheros' identify with porno actors makes them turn to pornography to have an erection. This identification, in turn, makes the cacheros' sexuality more impersonal and mechanical. They themselves admit that they “have become sicker and more sadistic,” as Luis confesses. Their pleasures have turned more violent both with men and women. Mono has taught his lover to do everything: “I've learned through pornography. Before she wouldn't kiss my anus, but now she does it and she loves it. “ Harold brags that he has done many things with his girlfriends that he never even dreamed of. José admits that over time, my fantasies have changed. “They are becoming more and more sadistic and with more women. Before I only thought about one woman. Now I need more to get a good hard-on “. Mono realizes that different practices are entering into his sexual fantasies. “I imagine them licking me from behind, biting my ass, screaming, things that I never did or thought about before”. Pedro admits that “ now I'm more sadistic in sex”.

Pornography also influences the participants in these fantasies. Some cacheros realize that, although they prefer women, clients enter into the fantasies once in a while Guido imagines that he is with two women and a man. “The man is effeminate and I screw the woman in front and do him in the ass”. Mono sometimes thinks “about an American that he liked licking me from behind while I do it to my girlfriend”.

Practice, in turn, affects fantasy, and vice versa. Pedro realizes that, at certain times, a client is so good that “I start to imagine sex with women and getting more sadistic fantasies”. Mono, on the other hand, have his turn on more related to touch. He reveals that his secret for getting an erection is kissing his own forearm, where it's soft and “this eminds me of a woman's breasts.” This helps him to give free rein to his imagination.

The impossibility of always imagining a woman when they are with men, and the influence of pornography, helps cacheros learn to enjoy sex with men and change their minds. A case in point is Noé, an attractive bricklayer. He confesses that he started because a friend invited me to this bordello, and “that never before had the thought of going to bed with a man entered my mind”. Although the first time he had homosexual relations he felt dirty and ashamed, he slowly changed his mind. “I have to be honest with you. There is nothing better than sticking your penis in a rectum. Women, when they get wet, are so wide open that you don't feel anything. An ass is tight, so you feel more.” Mono agrees, saying that homosexual sex is better and more satisfying. “Women are like a bottomless pit, but there are guys who are so tight that you come much better”. Carlos feels the same way. “I'm not attracted to men, but physically it feels better to penetrate a man than a woman, That'sthe truth “. Luis confesses “that the contractions of the sphincter make you enjoy your orgasm more”. Gerardo says the same thing:

Oral sex is also a source of pleasure. The fact that their girlfriends, wives, or lovers do not want to do it means that sex workers enjoy their clients. Some of them get so turned on that when no clients show up, Marco, for example, says I jerk off thinking about the blow job this client usually gives me Some give each other oral sex when no clients show up, because you start to miss it.

The pleasure that many of them feel provokes an identity crisis. Rodrigo admits that he has come to enjoy sex with certain clients so much that he feels he is becoming homosexual. Carlos is also having a crisis because he does not enjoy sex with his wife as much he used to. He finds sex with men kinkier. Tomás has stopped having sex with women since “I've been involved in male orgies. Imagine what it's like to have someone sucking you in front and in the back, and another one nibbling you all over”. Miguel thinks that prostitution “has brought out in him, the homosexual that all men have inside”.

Vernol is an interesting case. His relationships with men get him into situations where the line between heterosexuality and homosexuality becomes blurred. A gay man once invited him to his house for sex, and, to his surprise, had also invited a lesbian and her partner. “The more feminine lesbian took off her bra and threw herself on the bed with her nipples erect”. The client asked him to do her, ”while the more masculine one wanted to do me with a dildo I refused to let a dyke dominate me, but I had to go with the prettier one first and later the other one said I could fuck her, too. I went from one to the other while the guy waited for me to come only in him”, he said. With this range of possibilities, Vernol admits that “I had a great time...it was a sexual frenzy that night. I didn't even know who I was hot for I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to become gay,” he concludes. “These orgies confuse me”.

Prostitution then, has an impact on both fantasy and pleasure. Cacheros should only think about women, but reality makes their fantasies become more complex, more diverse, and more bisexual. The actors in their imaginations, whether men or women, become more "masculine", and they become more impersonal, distant and mechanical in their sexual relations. For example, when Mono draws a woman, he puts a thought-bubble over her head that says generally thinking about pleasure and sex Jorge also sees women as eager for sex: “...in bed they're the worst”. Pedro considers that "being a slut" is a female characteristic.

When the interviewees were asked to imagine themselves turning into women, the issue of prostitution also came up. They were treated like sex objects by other men. As women, the cacheros were harassed by men who yelled obscenities and abuse at them when they walked down the street:

Harold imagined workers yelling at him: Hey, sexy! How much do you charge? Come over here and spend some time with us. Luis imagined that a guy had touched his backside. This guy came up behind me while I was walking and he touched my ass in front of his friends.

Cacheros not only experience sexual harassment in their dreams, which are totally linked to sexuality, but their relationships with women also become more violent and impersonal. Many admit that they have begun to fantasize about other women when they are with their girlfriends or female lovers, or that they imagine men joining in their sexual relations with the girls, either as participants or observers. This invasion of prostitution into their sexual fantasies is another way in which homosexuality influences their lives. Cacheros may continue having their main relationships with women, but these women have become "masculinized" in their desires and their perceptions. The idea that you close your eyes “and think about a woman while you'redoing a man,” as Jorge says, is not completely true. Cacheros may close their eyes and think about a woman, but this woman of their imagination is only a woman in terms of her sex organs. In this subtle way, homosexuality creeps in.

FLIRTING

Cacheros tell us that they do not care which client chooses them, as long as he pays. However, when we sit with them and a client comes in, there is a logical reaction of satisfaction and pleasure when one is chosen over the others. On one occasion, we could see the disappointment on Mono's face when a client preferred Luis to him. One might argue that joy or disappointment has more to do with the possibility or earning money or not. However, the cacheros' psychological reaction is more complicated.

When they are sitting in a row and someone comes to evaluate them and see how attractive they are, is it almost impossible for them not to be affected by these decisions. The more popular ones have their self-esteem increased and they feel superior to the less popular ones. Cerebrón is among those whose self-esteem has been boosted by his popularity with clients. “I can't deny that I feel great satisfaction knowing that they choose me more often”, he confesses. Luis also admits he likes them to have a preference for me. “Women never let you know how great you are”, like men do. Erick says he had never paid much attention to his buttocks and his penis before.” I've learned to check out not only other men's butts, but my own as well. I've also realized that I have a big, thick dick. No woman ever told me that. But the clients go crazy for it”.

The most popular cacheros are treated better by Lila and other brothel and sauna owners. They are considered little gold mines because of their earnings and therefore merit more consideration and better treatment. According to Lila, some of the hottest guys are usually the most arrogant. They demand better conditions and show up for work when they feel like it.

In their efforts to attract clients, cacheros are eager to display their attributes. Cerebrón, for example, wears tight jeans that subtly show off his package, as he refers to his penis. José sits with his legs open to achieve the same effect. Carlos usually smiles provocatively. Pedro displays his rounded buttocks when he turns on the radio. Others make an effort to seem nice. Although all this flirting goes on in a masculine context, it is still a way of attracting men.

The desire to be chosen puts an end to the cacheros' supposed indifference. The line between client/money and client/acceptance becomes thinner. Since they are at the mercy of the clients' taste every day, being chosen represents a source of income and is also a statement of their worth. José confesses that sometimes “I don't even want or need the money, but it still affects me when a client doesn't find me attractive”. Mario believes his popularity has helped him with women, as “I feel sure that I'm nice-looking and sexy”. Ernesto feels that he has lost his shyness and his shame: “Before, I'd turn red if I had to talk to someone older. Now, after so many clients, it's easy for me to have a good conversation with anybody” he admits.

Seduction and flirting become a part of life for cacheros in many of their relationships outside the brothel. Mono confesses that when he is out in the street, he likes to look at attractive guys, and he loves it when they look back at him. “ I don't know, it's like a habit. It's not that I want to go to bed with them, but that I've learned to pay attention to the things that make a man attractive “. This happens to such a degree that Mono also tried to seduce one of the interviewers:

MONEY AND DRUGS

One factor that destabilizes the discourses of cacherismo is addiction. Another is money. Many "cacheros" admit that they have no idea where their money goes, and that it is like a drug for them. José confesses, “I get turned on just thinking about the 5,000-colon bill I'm going to earn”. Luis says he never regards a man with money as ugly. “It's not just personal interest... money makes them seem more attractive”. Mono admits he has earned hundreds of thousands of colones and has lost them just as easily by gambling -- one of his addictions. Arnoldo confesses that he never has enough money to buy the things he likes, and that buying them is as good, or better than sex. “ When I buy a shirt that I like, I feel really good”. Noé has no idea where all the money he has earned in this business has gone: “It's like water -- it runs through my hands without my even realizing it.”

The need for money drives them to sexual practices that are theoretically not acceptable in cacherismo Gerardo, for example, confesses “that clients offer cacheros more money to have sex with each other”:

Money is also used to buy something else that has the interviewees trapped: cocaine and crack. Of all the interviewees, only one said he had not used these drugs. The vast majority also smoke marijuana and drink a lot of alcohol. Many admit to feeling prematurely aged and skinny because they do so much crack. In more than one interview, we witnessed the guys doing drugs for hours. Arnoldo admits to having stolen and pawned his mother's clothes to buy crack. Mono confesses that the first thing that entered his mind when he was paid for the interview was to go smoke it Noé says the same thing, and admits he has been addicted for years and is unable to stop completely. He says he even took food from his children's mouths to buy drugs. Edwin prostitutes himself to support my habit. Hugo believes that he is not completely hooked on crack, even though he knows he cannot quit. Rodrigo thought that it wouldn't happen to him, “ but now I'm hooked”. Gerardo describes his addiction and how easily he fell into it:

Guido describes how difficult it is to quit crack, once you are addicted. At the time of the interview, he had been smoking crack for forty-eight hours non-stop. We interviewed him when he took a break for dinner:

Sometimes, let's say, when you're addicted to drugs, umm, there are days and moments when you do them all the time, it's really hard to stop. The more you do, the more you want, so you don't care if it's three or four in the morning, you'll go out on the street to buy two or three more hits and come back again and then stay up for eight hours... In my case, I come here and smoke a basuko (cocaine or crack cigarette with other additives), and it's not 'til eight hours later that I can sleep peacefully, because it affects your nervous system.

Guido knows that crack is bad for him:

Well, crack is a drug that destroys people. It's the most addictive drug there is, and whoever does it gets wasted in a couple of weeks, hooked on it. I used to weigh 69 kilos, now I weigh 62... With the first hit, I get a great high for a few seconds. Your ears get blocked up, what they call“ringing”. It sounds like ting, ting, ting, and then your heart races, it starts to beat faster, and it's a great feeling... The first hit is as good as an orgasm; you'recompletely spaced out and floating on air. After those first five or ten seconds you start to get paranoid.

When we paid Guido for the interview, we asked him what he would do with the money, what the first thing that came to mind was. His response was unequivocal:

What I should do with the money is pay off a jacket I have in the pawn shop. I pawned it to buy drugs, and yesterday I went to leave two thousand colones in payment. I still owe two thousand, so I'mthinking about going to pay that off. But, I also want to buy more drugs... An addict always thinks about the possibility of buying drugs. When you see money, you automatically think about drugs. You think, ”Man, how great a (crack) joint would be!”

However, on another day, when he had not used drugs, Guido denied being addicted to crack:

Well, there's a big difference because, well... let's say maybe I have a broader view of the scene, of drugs, because you have to be in control, and not let the drugs con