6. VIOLENCE AND PUBLIC SEX

There is an additional element that suggests that the body and its pleasures model includes other motivations aside from the satisfaction of the senses. It is violence.

Table 12 shows that there is a significant difference between those who regularly visit public sex places and those who do not, with respect to exposure to sexual violence. In other words, those who visit PSPs have been exposed to more violence than those who do not. There are important differences between users and non-users in terms of previous experience: 20.1% of users said they had been beaten, compared with 8% of non-users; 19.5% of users suffered insults compared with only 7.3% of non-users; 18.3% of users said they were forced to have sex compared with 9.5% of non-users. When it comes to insulting someone else — rather than being insulted — 14% of PSP users admitted to this behavior, compared with 6.6% of non-users. Moreover, 13.4% of users had engaged in violent sex games with their partners compared with 2.9% of non-users. In all these cases, PSP users had been exposed to more violence than non-users.

From this data we can draw two possible conclusions: that those who visit public sex places have experienced more sexual violence, or that visiting these places tends to increase sexual violence. It is more likely that the first hypothesis is correct.

Table 13 confirms our hypothesis: that those who frequent public sex places were more frequently punished and sexually abused as children or teenagers than those who do not. PSP users have been subjected to significantly higher levels of severe emotional abuse before reaching the age of 12: 42.1% of users compared with 27% of non-users. Between the ages of 12 and 18, 42.7% of users had experienced abuse as opposed to 27% of non-users. Current emotional abuse was also more prevalent among visitors to public sex places (6.7%) than among non-users (0.7%). Similar significant differences were found with respect to physical abuse: 22% of users experienced it before the age of 12, compared with 5.8% of non-users; 17.1% of users reported physical abuse between the ages of 12 and 18, as opposed to 5.1% of non-users. Finally, visitors to public sex places have more frequently been victims of sexual violence before the age of 12 (20.1%) than non-visitors (8.8%), and also between the ages of 12 and 18 (15.9% compared with 6.6%).

Men who visit public sex places have suffered greater violence and abuse in their sexual relationships. Apparently, they have continued certain behavioral patterns that they learned as children and adolescents. This pattern of abuse would also appear to influence their decision to visit public sex places. In order to understand this correlation, we brought together a group of gay men who visit public sex places and who also experienced sexual abuse and physical violence when they were children. We left out those who had suffered psychological abuse only, since it is hard to find gay men in Costa Rica who had not been exposed to this form of violence.

The 40 young men who were invited to participate in a total of four workshops for gay victims of abuse between September and November 1998 were asked, among other things, to complete three specific tasks. First, they were asked to write an account about the sexual or physical abuse they had suffered as children or adolescents. The accounts of the 23 men who had admitted to visiting public sex places were separated from the rest. Four weeks later, the same 23 men were asked to describe their most erotic experiences in public places. The reason for the delay was to ensure that the participants would not make a conscious connection between the two assignments. Once these tasks were completed, however, participants were asked to read both accounts, analyze them, and write in their own words the connections they saw between the two.

The accounts included below suggest some reasons why people are attracted to public sex. However, our intention is not to suggest that there is anything pathological about public sex, nor to create the impression that these interpretations can necessarily be generalized.

Instead of viewing public sex as the result of a childhood trauma, one could look at it rather as a kind of psychodrama that allows some men to re-enact some of their traumas in order to gain a greater measure of control or understanding of themselves. Perhaps public sex helps many of these young men resolve the effects of the violence suffered.

On the other hand, there is a clear need for further research on populations of men who have not been abused, yet visit public sex places. It would also be desirable to study a larger sample of abused men in order to evaluate how representative the following accounts really are.

Thou Shalt Not Communicate (Juan’s Story)

The Abuse

My relationship with the gardener began when I was six years old. I remember this because I hadn’t started going to school yet. He was a muscular man, a peasant, very masculine. I don’t have many memories, but I do retain certain images of what we used to do. For instance, one afternoon he asked me to visit him in the garden shed where he stored his tools. In addition to the gardening tools, there was a bed in the shed. He asked me to hide with him under the bed to play for a while. The game consisted in him touching my genitals and me touching his. I remember how frightened I was when I touched his penis and it was so enormous compared to mine. I couldn’t understand how there could be so much of a difference and asked him, “How come it’s so big?” He replied, “It’s bigger because my dad used to stick it up my behind, and that’s how it got to be so big. If you want yours to grow, I will have to stick it up you.” The truth is, he didn’t stick it in all the way, he would just push it around the entrance of the sphincter and make me move. I don’t remember anything else. However, I felt pleasure -- there was a lot in what we did. But there were also threats. The guy warned me I should never tell anyone, I should never speak. If I did, he would do the same to my mother and my sister. I could never say anything about what was going on. The relationship lasted for years. Although I tried to ask for help a few times, I was afraid that I would get punished, or that the gardener would leave me. There was affection between us, and also pleasure. But, why did we have to hide to do it? I always got the message that I couldn’t talk [about it] and that what we did was improper.

The Most Erotic Experience

A year ago I went to Pinochet Park at 9 p.m. I was walking around window-shopping, when a man in his thirties approached me. He was masculine, a rural type of guy, and he started staring at me. He asked me what my name was and asked me if I would rather not go to a safer place, like Monumental Park. While we were walking towards the park he hardly said a word. However, he was touching his genitals and staring at me. He wanted to show me that he had a large penis. I can’t deny I got all horny. I’ve always liked big penises. When we arrived, he started playing with my genitals and took me to the darkest part of the park. There, he pulled down my pants and started playing with my ass. He acted as if he was going to push it up me but he didn’t actually penetrate me yet. I must admit that I love feeling a penis on my backside, but I don’t enjoy penetration. My great pleasure is the foreplay. When he actually started penetrating me, the pain was very great. I wasn’t enjoying it. On a few previous occasions, I’d kept quiet about the pain. But this time, when the guy was trying to get inside me, two other men approached. One of them, when he saw the pain on my face, said to him, “Don’t be such an animal! Can’t you see it’s hurting him? Take it out and come outside him!” The guy obeyed and I enjoyed myself a lot. From that time on, I learned how to say exactly what I wanted to do.

Juan’s Analysis

Now that I read my sexual experience when I was a kid and look at my erotic tastes, I find a few things in common:

Invaded Bodies (Alberto’s Story)

The Abuse

When I was 10 years old, my uncle fucked me. It happened one night on a weekend, when my father and mother had gone to the movies. The only people in my house were my sister, who was eight years old, and myself. My uncle was around 25 years old and did not live in San Jose. He was still living with his parents in San Isidro de Heredia. He would sometimes visit us at our house in the capital and stay overnight in the guest room. I liked my uncle a lot because he was younger than my dad and he would take us to the movies and to eat ice-cream. He had a girlfriend, Anita, who used to visit him at home. That weekend, they were alone in the guest room and the door was locked. I could hear a kind of sighing in the room but did not understand what was going on. Now I think he was trying to fuck her in there. I only managed to hear that he said to her, “Let me do it, honey, let me do it!” and she said: “No, I can’t. Don’t do it. It hurts.” All of a sudden, Anita left the room and ran out of the house. My uncle followed her and they said something to each other outside, but I couldn’t make out what it was. It was dark by now and I was in my bed. A few minutes later, my uncle came into the room and asked me if I wanted to sleep with him in his bed. I said yes and did not think there was anything wrong, because I’d done it before. When I got into his bed, he started playing with me and I realized that he was naked. I asked him not to touch me anymore but he didn’t pay any attention. Soon he put some gel on his dick and he grabbed me and covered my mouth. I felt a horrible pain and tried to get away but couldn’t. I don’t remember anything more. I know he did it a few times and he always threatened to kill me if I told my parents. I never did. I was never able to sleep well again because I suffered from nightmares. I believed the devil was going to punish me for what I did.

The Most Erotic Experience

It happened two years ago at the La Llanura Park. I arrived and parked my car near the soccer field. I noticed a group of men in a circle. When I got closer, I could see a fairly attractive guy fucking this 16-year-old kid. I get excited when I see a kid getting it from behind. It’s a kind of sadism I have. Since the kid was complaining that it hurt, it made me feel even hornier. I got close to the couple and started kissing the guy who was penetrating the kid. I felt very attracted to him. After awhile two of the guys who were watching walked up to me and asked me why I didn’t give my ass to the guy I was kissing. Without giving me a chance to say anything, they tore off my clothes between all of them. I felt ashamed but I also felt great pleasure when they pulled down my pants and made me bend over. The guy took his penis out of the kid and started fucking me. I felt a lot of pain but also great satisfaction because I felt humiliated, used, treated like a whore. However, when one of the two guys tried to do the same to me I told him no, that I didn’t want to, and I didn’t let him. I didn’t like the guy and I wasn’t going to let him fuck me.

Alberto’s Analysis

What is similar about these two stories? Well, the first thing is that I like to be treated like a whore. My uncle came after me because his girlfriends wouldn’t give him what he wanted. And I didn’t have the power to say no to him. Besides, why deny it? I liked him. That’s why, when I get treated like a vulgar whore, I get really turned on. I realize that I like being the substitute. Just like I gave my uncle the piece of ass that Anita refused to let him have, I also like it when the guy who’s fucking someone else moves on to me and treats me like a substitute. Deep down, I guess I see my role as “the other”. It made me feel superior to Anita and to his other girlfriends.

Finally, I see that I like being told what to do, for people to take my body without asking permission. When the guys took off my clothes, it was a real turn-on. They didn’t give a damn what I wanted, they just wanted to watch a live porn movie. I’ve always responded according to what other people wanted from me. I guess I learned that from my uncle: my body can be invaded without my consent.

Even though I enjoy it, I feel I can stop when things aren’t going the way I want them to. I realize I felt a great satisfaction when I told the guy that I didn’t want him to fuck me. I may be a cheap whore, but I get to choose my clients!

The Eroticism of Danger (Pepe’s Story)

The Abuse

I don’t know if I should call my story “abuse”. What I do know is that when we were kids my cousins and I had sexual relations. Of the five cousins who took part, some were 15, 16, 17 years old. The other two of us were eight and nine years old. The older ones took advantage of us and made us suck and masturbate them. They would generally give us liquor to numb us. We never tried penetration. However, several times our uncles discovered us and gave us all a beating. One time, my eight-year-old cousin and I were sucking my 17-year-old cousin. We were in the bathroom; he would take us there on the pretext that he had to give us a shower because we were very dirty. Once we were inside, he would take out his cock and ask us to suck it. If we refused, he would whack us. If we bit him, he would do the same. Edwin — that was his name — was the one who forced us to do this to the other older cousins. Every time he said to us that Ernesto or Pedro were going to give us a shower, we knew what he had in mind. Well, one day we were with him and uncle Carlos, his father, to the bathroom and found us. He gave the two of us a real beating and I was terrified that he would kill us.

The Most Erotic Experience

I have fulfilled my erotic dreams in a public toilet. Toilets really get my hormones going. I always go there drunk. I need liquor to give me the strength to do what I’m going to do there. One day I went in and there were three guys pretending to pee. I started looking at their penises and one of them, without saying anything, grabbed my head and pulled it toward his dick. I sucked him off until he came. Then the other one gave me his and I started doing the same. At that moment, another guy came into the toilet. All of us had to pretend that we were peeing, but the guy must have suspected something because he left immediately. I guessed that he wasn’t a homosexual and that he might possibly report our activities to the police. I felt very frightened, because the police might burst in at any moment. I find fear very erotic. When I do things that are improper, I find them more of a turn-on. That’s why I like public toilets, because there’s always an element of danger. Well, that one time, the guy came and nothing happened. However, as soon as we’d finished a cop came along to see what was going on. Since he didn’t see anything suspicious, he left, and I ended up performing oral sex on the third guy. The more I realized that we had been under surveillance but we had not been caught, the more I enjoyed what I was doing.

Pepe’s Analysis

Hey, I’ve just understood where my cock sucking comes from! Also, the reason why I always drink before I visit public toilets, and that this business of drinking must have started early. It’s pretty clear that I learned to suck dick when I was little, and that I did it under the surveillance of my uncles who must have been at least partially aware of what was going on. I also realize why public toilets really turn me on. When I was a kid, I would have sex in the bathroom and now I go to public toilets. I like to make love in places where I need to be on guard. Even when I do it in the bedroom, I’m aware of the door and the phone, as if someone might come in or call.

However, my biggest insight is that visiting dangerous places is my greatest passion. I feel that my body needs a great deal of adrenaline to enjoy sex. When I have the chance of being in a public toilet with a man, there’s always the uncertainty of who might come in and what they might do to us. That’s just how I felt when I was in the bathroom with my cousins. But on those occasions I was really afraid of punishment. I thought they would kill me if they found out. Visiting public toilets now allows me to remember and re-live that fear. However, I feel a great sense of satisfaction when I have sex in a toilet and no one catches me at it. It’s sort of like telling myself, “Everything’s fine, keep on sucking, µcause you’re too smart for something bad to happen to you.”

Non-verbal Sex (Emilio’s Story)

The Abuse

The story of my abuse happened because of my own father. I can’t remember when it began, because my memory isn’t too good. I suffer from mental blackouts about everything that went on my childhood. I can only remember three occasions, when I was 12 years old, that my dad took me with him on a beach holiday. The two of us were alone in a room in some cheap hotel. You could hear everything that went on in the next room. Now I think that’s the reason he took me there. My dad was still a young man (he has since died); he was about 32 at that time. Well, we arrived in the morning and went swimming. I had a really good time at the beach, and then we went back to the room to change. I swear I had no idea of what was going to happen. A few times before, my dad had played with me and touched my genitals, but as a joke. Looking back, I recall him saying things, like, “How much you’ve grown!” or, “How large does it get when you get a hard-on?” But I didn’t paid any attention to that. Well, we got to the room, and he asked me to get undressed so we could take a shower. When we were naked, my dad showed me his penis, which was really standing up. I was afraid, but he said that was normal when he washed himself with soap. Then he grabbed mine and asked me if I had measured how long it got when it was standing up. I said no. He pretended that he was going examine it and he got his µmedical’ bag and took out a tape measure. By that time I was feeling scared and could not say a word. He came over with the tape measure and started rubbing suntan lotion on my penis and asking me to get an erection. Although I was petrified and sweating from fear, it gradually got harder, and he started sucking me off. I asked him not to do it, but he said to me, “Shut your mouth! The whole hotel will find out! Can’t you see, everything you say can be heard in the next room?” I was overwhelmed by fear. The fear paralyzed me, until I could not utter a single sound.

The Most Erotic Experience

It happened in a sauna. A kid of about 18 arrived with a friend of his. I’ve always been turned on by innocent teenage kids. This one was quite a little man, but he had the face of an angel. I believe it was the first time he had visited a sauna, and I was sure he was doing it out of curiosity. I noticed that he went into the steam room and I did the same. I went in and I saw that he was playing with his genitals. I came close and without saying anything I knelt down and began doing fellatio on him. It turned out that the kid was a Cuban and he talked too much. While I was sucking him he kept saying: “Enjoy it good, enjoy it!” When people are having sex with me and keep on talking, I get pissed. I can’t bear to hear words. So I asked him if he wanted us to go to a cubicle. When he got into one with me, I started kissing him to shut him up. The kid said he wanted me to stick it up him. I told him then, “If you want my dick, you’re going to shut up. Do you want the whole sauna to know I’m fucking you?” I spoke roughly. The little Cuban shut up and nodded that he wanted me to penetrate him. I did it but in the gentlest way imaginable: I rubbed his sphincter with a little coke that I had been hiding in my towel, so he didn’t feel any pain. He told me it had been the most painless and enjoyable fuck he’d ever had.

Emilio’s Analysis

I realize now that the gaps in my memory might have to do with my relationship with my father. There were other things that I don’t want to remember. I also realize that I like doing to kids what my father did to me. The fact that I forced the kid to shut up, and that I enjoyed it, shows me that I’m repeating my own story. For me, sex should be performed in silence, without anyone else finding out, the way my father taught me. If I have the chance to force someone to shut his mouth, I find that more exciting. It’s what my father did to me: he took me to a place where I couldn’t complain or say anything. I had to protect him, as much as myself. I realize that I go for sex in places that remind me of the cheap hotel where my father initiated me. Saunas with cubicles where you can hear everything are the closest thing to that hotel. Finally, I feel as if I am responsible for the welfare of the kids I fuck, doing things gently, not the way my Dad did it to me, sadistically.

The Need to Disconnect (Miguel’s Story)

The Abuse

My dad was an alcoholic. He had eight kids and could never support any of them. He couldn’t keep a job for very long, and the only thing he could do was jobs like mowing lawns. I can’t remember the first time he hit my mother, me and my brothers. I think it’s something that had always happened. He would come home drunk and take out his rage on her. He accused her of sleeping with other men, because he was very jealous. When he started hitting, he wouldn’t stop. Since I was the oldest, I had to defend my mother and stay with her. The way I managed to do this was by disconnecting myself from the situation. I didn’t feel the slaps or the howls; I didn’t see the blood. I would only become aware of all this the next day. It was like being on automatic pilot: I could speak, see what was going on, but I wasn’t there. My mind was somewhere in the clouds.

The Most Erotic Experience

I am a big movie fan. I love to watch a porn movie and let my desire carry me away. About three months ago I went to the Limon City Cinema to watch a hot film. The guy in it had a big dick and was fucking three women at an orgy. The guy was fairly rough and he liked to mistreat. The movie was at its hottest when I had to rush to the men’s room. I saw four men waiting in there. None of them was with any of the others. The four were very masculine. When I see a sight like that, I get carried away. I approached them and dropped my pants without saying a word and I started walking around with my butt exposed. I know I should have realized how dangerous it was, but I was overcome with pleasure. I saw one of them approach me and, without asking permission, he bent me over. Once I was bent over, he told me he was a cop, and that I was under arrest for public indecency. The other three also said they were cops. However, they locked the men’s room and stayed inside. One of them stuck his penis out and says to me: “So you want dick, you queen? Well, here’s what you’re looking for.”Another one said to me, “The four of us are going to fuck you, starting with the smallest and moving on to the largest, to see how much you can take.” Although technically I was being raped, I won’t lie and pretend I didn’t enjoy it. The four of them fucked me for about an hour. When they finally let me go, I was bleeding and in a lot of pain. However, I remember this incident and fantasize about it when I masturbate.

Miguel’s Analysis

Hearing both stories again, I feel that I have a problem of disconnecting myself when it comes to sex and in many other areas of my life. Watching movies makes me enter into a state of numbness in which I look for violent and dangerous situations. It’s like being in another world. Once I’m in one of these situations, my body and my brain drift apart. That’s probably the same thing that happened when my dad used to beat us: my mind would leave the room and not pay attention to the damage until later. I feel the same thing happens with violent sex scenes. I realize that in both cases I end up bleeding, though my body hasn’t felt the pain. However, I tell myself that I’m the one who willingly gets into these messy situations.

The Worst Nightmares

All the stories told above reveal symptoms that have been identified with childhood sexual abuse. In his study of men who have been abused, Mike Lew says that victims suffer from memory loss, excessive watchfulness, problems coping with boundaries, denial of abuse, addictions to sex, drugs or drinking to help reduce the level of pain, emotional numbing, and sleeping disorders.⁵³ Lew also believes that if a victim does not receive treatment for his trauma, he will be forced unconsciously to re-enact it in order to gain some control over it.

Some of our interviewees are aware that they re-enact in public places the difficult situations they experienced as children. It is likely that visiting such places has helped them to improve their sexual openness and ability to communicate. In this respect, the experience of “playing” and of meeting different men is positive. Re-enacting traumatic experiences allows them to “resolve” them, or at least experience them from an adult perspective, without the vulnerability associated with childhood.

However, as we shall see in the next chapter, these places are fraught with great danger. If gay men do not realize that the body-and-its-pleasures model is only one of several sexual models present in public places, they may find that their best fantasies can turn into their worst nightmares.

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⁵³ Mike Lew, Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse. New York: HarperCollins, 1988.